Partners wife has gone crazy...

(130 Posts)
Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 10:09:22

I've never posted on anything like this before - but guess I'm really after some advice from people who have been through this, thoughts as a 3rd party as to what to do here. My partner finally left his wife of 16 years in January after the marriage had broken down. For nearly 2 years previous they had had separate bedrooms. They had tried to separate before but decided to give it a try for the sake of the children (who are now 14 and 11) but it simply didn't work. I know I only ever hear his side of the story but it seems she is a bully, abusive, controlling and not very nice.. she told him time and time again that she didn't want him and were it not for the children they would not be together. Life is short and he finally found the courage to leave. This was in fact after he had met me.. so I have no doubt that this made leaving easier but I honestly don't think I was the reason he left his wife. We are now 7 months on and he has just told her that he is in another relationship. She has continued to make his life a misery, stop him seeing the children, keeps saying she doesn't want the children, won't proceed with the divorce etc etc.. but now .. on hearing there is another woman involved she has scaled up. She is threatening to find out who I am and to come and harm me (she stalked his girlfriend previous to her to the point where the police had to get involved... and this was someone he had left for her!!!!). I have a 5 year old daughter and live alone with her. I am nervous at the best of times living alone and do not want to spend my life worried that a crazy ex-wife is going to come and harm me and my little girl. I feel trapped as I love him dearly.. have never felt like this and we are so so happy. I dream of a simple life with an extended family..but she has already started work on turning his children against him, saying he would rather spend time with me than them.. which simply is not true. It's all such a mess. I do feel for her.. but their marriage was over.. they were not happy at all. I have a husband from whom I separated at a similar time and we are totally civil.. we still eat together with our little girl sometimes and he can talk to me about his new relationship. Has anyone else any similar experiences or advice?? Thanks for reading.. sorry it was rather long!

wilkos Wed 12-Sep-12 16:16:51

my stbxh told me that his first wife was a nutjob who had been abusive towards him and his DS, "poor man" I thought, "he is so lovely his wife has been so horrible towards him - I must marry him immediately!"

6 years down the line we are divorcing because of his unreasonable behaviour (financially controlling, violent, emotionally abusive towards me in front of our kids)

and guess what? he is busy telling all his friends and his new girlfriend that I am a nutjob who has been abusive towards him and our DC...

MyNeighbourIsStrange Tue 04-Sep-12 19:04:31

oops. Deluded people can be abusive and deluded or a victim and deluded.

MyNeighbourIsStrange Tue 04-Sep-12 19:03:20

Deluded.

EmmaNemms Tue 04-Sep-12 18:57:02

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and, according to received wisdom, did it all wrong. Both in unhappy marriages, both convinced we were stuck there forever. Met, thought we could just ignore it and carry on as though it hadn't happened. We couldn't. The fallout was awful but everyone is settled now, we moved in together immediately, i was pregnant (planned, because i was 41), 6 months later and now have a 5 year old daughter together and my older children have said to me (but not their dad) that they think it was the best outcome for everyone. Even their dad, they can see he is happier as a single man. My husband's ex wife has remarried happily. Perhaps we should have both separated, lived on our own for two years and then got together. It may have meant less criticism. But to be frank, I had spent enough of my life in an emotional wilderness and I didn't fancy squandering another few years to keep everyone else happy. My husband's ex-wife had been emotionally abusive to him, partly, I suspect because she was not happy either.

I don't feel particularly proud of how things happened but life is messy. I am apparently now likely to walk out on this husband in due course for an updated model but i can tell you that I have never felt so happy and totally in love in all my life. We put eachother first and guard our relationship carefully because we know how easy it is for things to unravel when you take eachother for granted.

That's all really.

Feckbox Sat 01-Sep-12 03:28:08

I agree with Morris.

Those of you mentioning "the script" . Has it occurred to you that the reason so many people ( Men AND women) say their marriage is over , we sleep in separate beds, my ex is an unstable nutter, is because it's TRUE? I totally get that it's not always true , but it often is.

Just look round mumsnet. It's full of people saying this, who are still stuck with their partners. No one says " i don't believe you, you are just following the script"

I know a couple VERY well ( in my close family) . She was the most vile toxic person towards her husband that I have ever met. Anyone who knew them thought the same. She was actually a decent enough person to everyone else but was a demanding bully to him. He tied himself in knots trying to make her happy , to no avail. They were very religious and he vowed to stick it out forever for their kids.

They had been married for about 16 years when he met someone else at work, also in a very unhappy marriage , and got the guts to leave. Ex wife went into overdrive and did her very best to alienate their children from their father. It was a terrible few years for the husband. he eventually divorced her and has been married to his second wife for 5 years and is incredibly happy. Ex wife still tries to stick the boot in wherever possible.

On mumsnet you will find overwhelming criticism of a situation where a man leaves his wife for another woman. In this real life example everyone who knew them thought "good on you. About time too "

it can and does work out.

OP, proceed with caution and good luck.

MrsJREwing Sat 18-Aug-12 11:09:28

I didn't know I had been abused either, others pointed it out to me and it took a couple of years to realise the full extent of the abuse.

mysteriouslady Sat 18-Aug-12 11:00:17

This has left other DCs cowtowing to her - the youngest puts up with all sorts and has Said she is scared - if she stands up to mum, mum will stop loving her too.

mysteriouslady Sat 18-Aug-12 10:59:15

TBF DH never said he had been abused, he was so down trodden - he didn't even realise it himself. It was only over time - seeing how she behaved, listening to DCs and observing his behaviour - emotionally he was terrified of her.

She had him visiting his DCs in FMH - while she sat in same room
with OM - when he said he'd like to see them alone - she had a hissy fit and started screaming at the dCs - threatening to throw them out (this was over phone - they were sobbing in the background).

I've never witnessed anyone be so cruel to their own children - but they didn't want to leave her - she's their mum and whatever she does they love her - the middle one did walk out, so she threw their be away and packed all their belongings in black bags.

Mysterious, good point. I would like to say that I was not negating that DV towards men happens, but just condsidering that the OP appears to be citing information given to her by her partner, or rather, is not clear that she is speaking from first-hand experience of the situation regarding his wife/children.

Unfortunately there are men (and women!) out there who will twist their version of events regarding their marriage/relationship in order to win the sympathy of someone, in order to enter into a new and more convenient relationship....until they get bored/feel they are not getting enough attention/feel that they are losing control, at which point, history repeats. Lila's post above illustrates this.

I am not saying that this is the case regarding this situation. I am saying that one of my friends has been in a similar situation. Sadly it appears, this is not uncommon.

Cappacino, please be careful. 7 months is not a long time in the grand scheme of things; I would suggest that you see if there is any way to confirm the information you're being given. Sorry if that sounds a little harsh.

lilachair Fri 17-Aug-12 17:33:16

Can I just add a 'run for the hills as fast as you can' please?

I fell for The Script. I was very young and just out of another abusive relationship. He was in a position of authority and also very generous.

My STBEx was married for 13 years to an 'abusive' woman who once threatened him with a knife (heard about that a lot). He was also sleeping in the spare room (he bloody wasn't) and the marriage was over (just his wife wasn't aware of this).

He moved in with me after just a few months. We were together 13yrs.

He slowly turned into the most emotionally abusive control freak you could imagine. I know why she threatened him with a knife. I wished I could sometimes.

He is now calling me a lunatic, (imagine his bad luck to marry TWO nutters, poor fella...) and has written such nasty lies in his divorce petition (yep, he is divorcing me for unreasonable behavior, namely finally telling him to fuck off...) that even my solicitor says he's rarely seen the like. So I am also the terrible ex taking him to the cleaners *ticks another box for him*

Please believe everybody that is shouting Red Flag at you? Save yourself and your little girl the heartache.

caramelwaffle Fri 17-Aug-12 14:40:38

Especially as the OP has a five year old daughter to raise and protect: excellent post Edith

EdithWeston Fri 17-Aug-12 14:00:04

I think I believe there are questions to be answered here because she only has his word to go on, and it is so easy to see why he might have other motivations.

It's not clear of OP has met his children, or has been to his mother's house, or has much to do with his family and friends. Any or all of those could provide an important cross-check on what he is telling her.

I think it would be useful to OP to know more about what she is dealing with. For if it is someone who poses a genuine threat, she needs to think about protecting herself. If it is not as presented, she needs to think about the future of this relationship before committing to cohabitation.

And the general wisdom, about establishing oneself independently, ending the marriage definitively and letting the dust settle, before moving on (and moving in) would seem to apply to his circumstances as described.

mysteriouslady Fri 17-Aug-12 11:21:57

Know what gets me about this thread - if a woman says she is a victim of DV/emotional abuse - we automatically believe - when it's a man, we automatically question.

Cappacino - my friend's ex husband told his new partner a similar story to the account of details you are hearing. He told the new partner his wife was basically unhinged, wouldn't let him go etc.
The truth was that she wanted him out because he had been surfing and texting porn sites (and possibly more, she never did find out) whilst seeing OW.

I am not suggesting your partner is like this, but I would say, as many others have, keep your guard up.

Natashak Fri 17-Aug-12 11:05:55

also the person i am with now was a friend and he gave me the courage i needed to leave. i was a mess so if this woman is as evil as your partner says then he will need help. it took me a while to detach myself from my ex not becuase i loved him but i thought i did.

woman can abuse men but it seems this is sometimes forgotton. you dont have any reason not to belive him. people do go through the seprate bed stage ect before they break up.

just keep your guard up a bit give yourself a bit of security.

try and talk to the ex aswell as of cause there is always two sides to a story. my partner spoke to my ex he didnt addmit everything but he admitted some things. this may help but if she as the evil woman that he makes out she will have a script and she will try her best to stick to it. xx

zookeeper Thu 16-Aug-12 23:47:47

I think that whatever else is going on he remains far too involved with his ex for your relationship to have a healthy start. My advice would definitely be to run for the hills.

LineRunner Thu 16-Aug-12 23:42:14

I think in the OP's case, though, she hasn't seen it for herself. It has been relayed to her by her partner.

Natashak Thu 16-Aug-12 23:36:01

my ex used to hit me call me names i was with him 3 years i did stay because he is my daughters dad. he did say that he wont see his daughter unless i stay single ect. not long after i ended it i fell for someone who i became very close to we are now together and have been for just under a year so i did get with the other guy quickly. i know its not the same but its a bit simlar.
woaman can also be evil and abusive and men can be just as vaubrable as woman.

complexo Thu 16-Aug-12 22:52:34

So, any updates OP? have you been thinking and asking questions about your relantionship or has the wife threatened you directly?

Gunznroses Wed 15-Aug-12 22:53:28

Have Been following this very interesting and informative thread. Just to add to bloodyfurious last post, OP said this man is "wealthy" so definitely has many options of where to go.

I do agreed there is a lack of understanding when it comes to male victims generally but im finding it hard to agree alongst with others here that this man is indeed the victim, until this is established the advice can only be for OP to be more cautious and not to believe everything. The only victim so far sounds like the wife, with the OP being next if she's not careful.

bloodyfurious Wed 15-Aug-12 22:38:58

Dh left DCs because he had no money and nowhere to go - plus the girls had been conditioned to think their dad was useless. He also believed they would be better off with their mother because he was useless and they would be better off with their mother they would never have left her - see the pattern.

Dh was the house cashpoint.

There does seem to be a lack of understanding about the impact on male victims. Society does not support men who wish to leave abusive relationships.

Halfling Wed 15-Aug-12 22:26:52

bleeding and bloody, point taken. Many women on MN have been in abusive relationships for several years. But how many of them ran away from their abusive partners without their DCs?

If you are in an abusive relationship, the well being of your DC is your primary concern. Then why has the OP's lovely partner allowed his DCs to be in the care of an unstable and dangerous woman?

Instead he has had an affair while still married to his wife and living in the same house as her. And then left her as well as the DC to be with the OW. Doesn't add up.

I do wonder why he told OP about her threats. If he is a strong, alpha-type male, I would question his motives for doing so. But if he is the victim of domestic violence, it would appear he is genuinely afraid of her. I think Capaccino would really do well to find out. How could she find out from an independent source what the woman is really like?

bloodyfurious Wed 15-Aug-12 21:47:23

bleeding yes that struck a chord with me - dh didn't leave, he was emotionally and financially abused for a bloody long time.

When he did go it was with literally nothing.

bleedingheart Wed 15-Aug-12 21:44:51

Whilst I agree that the OP should proceed with caution and the script appears to be in evidence, I am a bit uncomfortable with the comments suggesting that the DP must be lying about the abusive behaviour because he didn't leave sooner. There are many, many threads on here where women have stayed in deeply flawed and abusive relationships and they don't get flamed for it, so why is a man expected to be different?
Like I say, the DP's story seems suspect but I think it is unfair to imply that men automatically leave abusive relationships.

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