Partners wife has gone crazy...

(130 Posts)
Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 10:09:22

I've never posted on anything like this before - but guess I'm really after some advice from people who have been through this, thoughts as a 3rd party as to what to do here. My partner finally left his wife of 16 years in January after the marriage had broken down. For nearly 2 years previous they had had separate bedrooms. They had tried to separate before but decided to give it a try for the sake of the children (who are now 14 and 11) but it simply didn't work. I know I only ever hear his side of the story but it seems she is a bully, abusive, controlling and not very nice.. she told him time and time again that she didn't want him and were it not for the children they would not be together. Life is short and he finally found the courage to leave. This was in fact after he had met me.. so I have no doubt that this made leaving easier but I honestly don't think I was the reason he left his wife. We are now 7 months on and he has just told her that he is in another relationship. She has continued to make his life a misery, stop him seeing the children, keeps saying she doesn't want the children, won't proceed with the divorce etc etc.. but now .. on hearing there is another woman involved she has scaled up. She is threatening to find out who I am and to come and harm me (she stalked his girlfriend previous to her to the point where the police had to get involved... and this was someone he had left for her!!!!). I have a 5 year old daughter and live alone with her. I am nervous at the best of times living alone and do not want to spend my life worried that a crazy ex-wife is going to come and harm me and my little girl. I feel trapped as I love him dearly.. have never felt like this and we are so so happy. I dream of a simple life with an extended family..but she has already started work on turning his children against him, saying he would rather spend time with me than them.. which simply is not true. It's all such a mess. I do feel for her.. but their marriage was over.. they were not happy at all. I have a husband from whom I separated at a similar time and we are totally civil.. we still eat together with our little girl sometimes and he can talk to me about his new relationship. Has anyone else any similar experiences or advice?? Thanks for reading.. sorry it was rather long!

Feckbox Sat 01-Sep-12 03:28:08

I agree with Morris.

Those of you mentioning "the script" . Has it occurred to you that the reason so many people ( Men AND women) say their marriage is over , we sleep in separate beds, my ex is an unstable nutter, is because it's TRUE? I totally get that it's not always true , but it often is.

Just look round mumsnet. It's full of people saying this, who are still stuck with their partners. No one says " i don't believe you, you are just following the script"

I know a couple VERY well ( in my close family) . She was the most vile toxic person towards her husband that I have ever met. Anyone who knew them thought the same. She was actually a decent enough person to everyone else but was a demanding bully to him. He tied himself in knots trying to make her happy , to no avail. They were very religious and he vowed to stick it out forever for their kids.

They had been married for about 16 years when he met someone else at work, also in a very unhappy marriage , and got the guts to leave. Ex wife went into overdrive and did her very best to alienate their children from their father. It was a terrible few years for the husband. he eventually divorced her and has been married to his second wife for 5 years and is incredibly happy. Ex wife still tries to stick the boot in wherever possible.

On mumsnet you will find overwhelming criticism of a situation where a man leaves his wife for another woman. In this real life example everyone who knew them thought "good on you. About time too "

it can and does work out.

OP, proceed with caution and good luck.

EmmaNemms Tue 04-Sep-12 18:57:02

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and, according to received wisdom, did it all wrong. Both in unhappy marriages, both convinced we were stuck there forever. Met, thought we could just ignore it and carry on as though it hadn't happened. We couldn't. The fallout was awful but everyone is settled now, we moved in together immediately, i was pregnant (planned, because i was 41), 6 months later and now have a 5 year old daughter together and my older children have said to me (but not their dad) that they think it was the best outcome for everyone. Even their dad, they can see he is happier as a single man. My husband's ex wife has remarried happily. Perhaps we should have both separated, lived on our own for two years and then got together. It may have meant less criticism. But to be frank, I had spent enough of my life in an emotional wilderness and I didn't fancy squandering another few years to keep everyone else happy. My husband's ex-wife had been emotionally abusive to him, partly, I suspect because she was not happy either.

I don't feel particularly proud of how things happened but life is messy. I am apparently now likely to walk out on this husband in due course for an updated model but i can tell you that I have never felt so happy and totally in love in all my life. We put eachother first and guard our relationship carefully because we know how easy it is for things to unravel when you take eachother for granted.

That's all really.

MyNeighbourIsStrange Tue 04-Sep-12 19:03:20

Deluded.

MyNeighbourIsStrange Tue 04-Sep-12 19:04:31

oops. Deluded people can be abusive and deluded or a victim and deluded.

wilkos Wed 12-Sep-12 16:16:51

my stbxh told me that his first wife was a nutjob who had been abusive towards him and his DS, "poor man" I thought, "he is so lovely his wife has been so horrible towards him - I must marry him immediately!"

6 years down the line we are divorcing because of his unreasonable behaviour (financially controlling, violent, emotionally abusive towards me in front of our kids)

and guess what? he is busy telling all his friends and his new girlfriend that I am a nutjob who has been abusive towards him and our DC...

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