Partners wife has gone crazy...

(130 Posts)
Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 10:09:22

I've never posted on anything like this before - but guess I'm really after some advice from people who have been through this, thoughts as a 3rd party as to what to do here. My partner finally left his wife of 16 years in January after the marriage had broken down. For nearly 2 years previous they had had separate bedrooms. They had tried to separate before but decided to give it a try for the sake of the children (who are now 14 and 11) but it simply didn't work. I know I only ever hear his side of the story but it seems she is a bully, abusive, controlling and not very nice.. she told him time and time again that she didn't want him and were it not for the children they would not be together. Life is short and he finally found the courage to leave. This was in fact after he had met me.. so I have no doubt that this made leaving easier but I honestly don't think I was the reason he left his wife. We are now 7 months on and he has just told her that he is in another relationship. She has continued to make his life a misery, stop him seeing the children, keeps saying she doesn't want the children, won't proceed with the divorce etc etc.. but now .. on hearing there is another woman involved she has scaled up. She is threatening to find out who I am and to come and harm me (she stalked his girlfriend previous to her to the point where the police had to get involved... and this was someone he had left for her!!!!). I have a 5 year old daughter and live alone with her. I am nervous at the best of times living alone and do not want to spend my life worried that a crazy ex-wife is going to come and harm me and my little girl. I feel trapped as I love him dearly.. have never felt like this and we are so so happy. I dream of a simple life with an extended family..but she has already started work on turning his children against him, saying he would rather spend time with me than them.. which simply is not true. It's all such a mess. I do feel for her.. but their marriage was over.. they were not happy at all. I have a husband from whom I separated at a similar time and we are totally civil.. we still eat together with our little girl sometimes and he can talk to me about his new relationship. Has anyone else any similar experiences or advice?? Thanks for reading.. sorry it was rather long!

Dropdeadfred Tue 14-Aug-12 10:11:25

His last girlfriend ???? Whilst he was married?
Obviously you can report any real threats to the police

Dropdeadfred Tue 14-Aug-12 10:12:44

Okay reread your post and know he wasn't married with a girlfriend!! Report her to the police if you are really concerned

Portofino Tue 14-Aug-12 10:13:46

You do realise that he has probably fed you a pack of lies, about the marriage being "over" and how evil she is. There tends to be a script they all follow.

You do realise when he moves onto his next girlfriend, you will become the evil psycho bitch?

FiveMonths Tue 14-Aug-12 10:20:40

What are his own feelings about it? I think you should talk to him and ask if he would prefer not to continue your relationship, in the light of her reaction.

It's not your fault, obviously, and he ought to have the right to move on if he wishes to but this is very much a situation between him and her, and there's very little you can do other than to make a decision whether to stay with him or not.

In your position I probably would let the relationship go, at least until things have calmed down, and then perhaps take it very slowly and not inform her that you were seeing each other again.

Your safety and your little girl's are paramount, as is your peace of mind. He needs to sort out his life as best he can, but that's nothing to do with you, and shouldn't be.

fergoose Tue 14-Aug-12 10:21:13

I agree - police business aside, you have only got his 'story' - I bet any money the wife would have a totally different tale to tell.

RindersGoesForGold Tue 14-Aug-12 10:22:41

Exactly what 5months said.

FiveMonths Tue 14-Aug-12 10:26:21

in fact thinking about it, being in a relationship with a man who has previously been with someone this nuts (if she is) for 16 years is a really bad call.

How did he sustain it without being bonkers himself?

I would have deep reservations...I say this as someone who got together with a man in similar circumstances, he had been in a long relationship, not married, living apart most of the time, and fraught with arguments and volatility.
He met me, decided to leave the long term partner, and after about 3 months, maybe 4, I began to realise that their relationship was still paramount and that his problems were deeper than I had ever imagined. In short it takes two, very often, if a situation is as long term as this, and there will be huge issues for him to recover from, if it was that unhappy, but he probably never will.

Mine went straight back to his ex when I finished with him, and now all I get is threatening calls from her, she sees me as a mistress, he is still heavily involved in their arguments but now I'm used as the excuse for them to argue and I get the fallout when she calls me.

I realised it was never, ever about me, and that his life was suiting him very well as it was, before I came along, however miserable he claimed to be. It was his lifestyle choice, to have that sort of volatile, crappy, destructive and violent relationship, and the freedom for a lot of affairs, which I didn't know about till she told me.

Be careful - very, very careful.

pinklantern Tue 14-Aug-12 10:26:55

He left his wife of 16 years for another woman but you think its her who has made his life a misery? I think you've got that mixed up.

You blindly believed the 'we sleep in separate beds', 'shes a bully', 'our marriage is over'? I mean those things could well be true, but as you point out, you only have his word for it. Surely any woman with a bit of self-worth would roll their eyes and swiftly move on upon hearing those immortal lines?

I totally understand your anxieites if you truly think she is a risk to you. And its admirable that you have a civil relationship with your ex, it would of course be best all round if DP and his ex could have something similar. You do make some very valid points but you need understand you are the OW and as such you chose this whole mess.

If you want a straightforward relationship go for someone unattached.

fergoose Tue 14-Aug-12 10:37:29

Also if his wife was so bad why did he stay for 16 years - I don't believe all this staying 'for the sake of the children' nonsense. He stayed because he wanted to, he could have left at any time, except he didn't until he had somebody else to run to.

Beckamaw Tue 14-Aug-12 10:49:04

Any man who claims that his ex is a mental case is prancing around with a red flag. In fact there are a lot of red flags in your post.
Can you not see it OP?

fergoose Tue 14-Aug-12 10:54:50

A whole bunting of red flags I reckon.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 14-Aug-12 10:57:33

Ok, so he was in a relationship and left that person for the woman he then married.

He has fed you a whole load of stuff about their marriage being dreadful etc, but you've only been together 7 months. How many mistresses has he had before you, OP, do you think?

Because you are a mistress. He isn't your 'partner', he is another woman's husband.

Has his wife been in contact with you, or has he just told you that she is going to stalk you and harm you?

How long do you think it will be before you are the evil witch at home and he is off shagging his next conquest?

For the sake of your daughter if not for yourself, run 100 miles from this man.

FiveMonths Tue 14-Aug-12 11:00:10

Exactly Fergoose - he stayed because it suited him in some respect. That's not to excuse the behaviour of people who abuse - and doesn't mean his reasons were healthy or right.

Just like the person my ex went back to, has been beaten up for years by him but still wants him in her life, I have no idea why - she could leave, but she chooses not to. It doesn't make him justified or her sane. But their relationship is clearly more important to them both than their own individual good health and happiness, which they somehow see as unfixable I think.

So he will still carry over his own needs from his marriage, into your relationship, just as mine tried to with ours - the abuse had already begun when I left him, it's just that his ex/partner accepts it as part of the pay off, while I refuse to live in that manner.

I think you will find out why his marriage didn't work, if you stay with him for longer, and it won't have everything to do with his wife's behaviour.

FiveMonths Tue 14-Aug-12 11:03:36

Btw I accept that this becomes a difficult issue if you turn it round and say, but surely a wife who has been abused by her husband, then moves onto another relationship, is not a danger to her new partner?

This may be very true but she will almost certainly have some deep seated issues which will not have been addressed in a short period between leaving an abuser of 16 years, and beginning a new relationship immediately with a non abuser. These do need to be dealt with and your bloke doesn't sound like he is dealing with any of his issues, either before getting involved with someone new (you) or concurrently to this relationship, which though not ideal would at least be something.

ArtexMonkey Tue 14-Aug-12 11:05:49

When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy...

What everyone else has said. It sounds likes whole load of trouble for the sake pf a relationship with someone who's not really the faithful type. Is he worth it?

Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 12:16:41

Yes sorry.. may not have been clear there. His previous girlfriend who he had finished a relationship with shortly before he met the woman who then became his wife. Thanks for answering.

Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 12:29:47

Well.. thanks every one for writing.. feel quite humbled that you have taken the time to read and reply. I do try and think about how I would respond if I were not involved here. I do totally see what points are being made here but I feel I know this man very well and tell myself why can't it be that she is nutty, he did stay because deep inside he is actually very loyal and did all he could to stay but finally felt for the sake of his own happiness he couldn't any longer. Can it not be that?? Does it have to be that he is fundamentally a man that cheats and will do so to me?? Does it have to be that the things he tells me about his relationship with her are not truthful? This is so not what I wanted for my life but I feel totally in love with him and the idea of not seeing him feels just too awful. So far the threats from her are just what she has said to him - so actually nothing directly to me as yet - I guess if that ever happens then I shall contact the police at the first instance. With so many divorces and separations out there this really makes me wonder how anybody gets to move on and just be happy again.

fergoose Tue 14-Aug-12 12:38:07

Honestly - I think you are seeing and believing what you want to believe about this man. You have only known him for a few months.

I separated from my ex this year after nearly 16 years - and I know for a fact that he has told people I am nuts and a crazy stalker. Both of these things are untrue. He was the abusive bully, but he refused to leave, and believe me I told him to leave lots of times (begged him actually). He told me he loved me, would never leave. Then finally when he did go it was to several other women - and you know I actually feel like I should warn them about what he is really like. He claims now that he only stayed for our child and didn't love me for years - well he told me a totally different 'story' for all those years, and reading what others have gone through it seems this is a common occurrence.

So my advice to you would be to run for the hills - but if you can't do that, please take a massive step back. Look at this man for what he is, and please do not believe everything he tells you. He will only tell you what he wants you to hear, please take it all with a massive pinch of salt. He will be on his best behaviour at the moment - the cracks will show. Please protect yourself and your child is my advice.

OhNoMyFoot Tue 14-Aug-12 14:04:31

So you only know of the threats from him?

Portofino Tue 14-Aug-12 14:25:49

No, no - run like the wind from this one. I am really sorry, but there are so many red flags in this one. Out of interest, you say you live alone with your dd. Where is HE living? You left your dh at a "similar" time? Does this mean you were having an affair? I would be thinking along the lines of - he hasn't left her at all, or he is planning to go back, but saying it is because he doesn't want you be hurt, or the ex really needs him or something, because he is a big cowardly custard. If he moved in 7 months ago and has never left your side since, then please ignore the bit above.

zippey Tue 14-Aug-12 14:41:40

People often say things they dont mean eg "If she does that again I will kill her" or "I could murder a sandwhich". Doesnt actually mean the person will kill the woman or the sandwhich.

Have tyou thought about coming clean and meeting the lady in a public place?

Portofino Tue 14-Aug-12 14:44:06

Zippey - WTAF? hmm

Capaccino Tue 14-Aug-12 15:54:11

Yes.. threats are just from him.. it's very recent that he has mentioned he has been seeing someone to her as he predicted she would not react well.. despite her not wanting anything to do with him for years. He currently lives at his mothers.. does spend a night or two at the house with me.. but .. despite what seems an utter mess, we were trying to do things as best as we could with regards to moving on together. I don't want another man moving in right away as I have a 5 year old and as I said, a good relationship with my ex.. just want to take things slowly.. but the plan is that he would eventually move in here with me.

I do have thoughts of meeting her in a public place. I don't think I am a nasty or unfair person... I don't understand why if 2 consenting adults want to be with eachother they should feel they are not allowed to. We are on this planet for such a short period of time and happiness is so important. Too many people stick with things that make them unhappy - only to probably wish they hadn't when they are on their deathbed.

Again.. feedback from him is that she is not of reasoned mind. Despite all you saying how there are big red flags, I have spent a lot of time with him and I do wholeheartedly believe and trust him.. he has never given me any reason to think otherwise. Sure there would be a different story from the wife.. and sure he gives a slightly bias view of certain scenarios.. he says himself that he is not perfect and has made mistakes etc.. but fundamentally I do believe him.

I just don't think I can stop seeing him without any evidence that he is anything but the man I've fallen in love with and him me. Guess I shall have to live and wait to see if the threats arrive and if they do act on them quickly.

Thanks again for reading.. What a great site.

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