Put off Relationships.

(98 Posts)
Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 10:41:34

Reading MN is putting me off having a relationship.

I know it's not real-life but it must be some reflection.

The resentment on the step-parent forum is one of the things that has put me off.

Unless there is a woman out there who, won't object to my children coming first, and that I spend a lot of time with them, doesn't mind my love of beer, and my love of sports I reckon I'm going to be single for a bit longer yet.

The thing is, people will only post on MN if they need advice, right? And who needs advice about good relationships?? Me and my hubby get along wonderfully - he takes the kids out twice a week to judo sessions without me that take most of the night and I don't mind, and also he goes out once a week with his dad and some friends to play cards and I don't mind that either! Equally, if I fancy a weekend away to visit friends from University he has no problems and we both always put the children first.

Don't let this place put you off. Try online dating. A lot of stigma over it, but the fact is if you have any "quotas" (no children, must be ok with you being a dad first etc) you get to put it out there before dating someone and then realising you want different things.

And you should also keep in mind that anything worth having never did come easy smile

Good luck!

Oh, I should have said - I'm a step-mum, DH's second marriage and my first.

GetOrfMoiRing Fri 10-Aug-12 13:07:01

lolol at bugger that. grin

Does anyone else die a little inside at the mere thought of online dating.

Unless I meet the man of my dreams on a train, the tube, work or aimlessly ambling through Gloucestershire I am destined to stay single I think.

Never mind. I don't think I could be arsed with it.

BelleDameSansMerci Fri 10-Aug-12 13:07:06

Actually, before I had a child I would have been ok with your children first. Would have expected it. Wouldn't have expected to be further down the list than sport or beer though.

Now, my DD would always come first.

I pretty much expect to be single forever now. Which is a shame because I'm bloody gorgeous. grin

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 13:07:29

'Then you definitely need to make sure that you marry something who is has her own kids or who doesn't want any'

Something? I was rather hoping she'd be a woman.

Marry!!! I'll never do that again.

GetOrfMoiRing Fri 10-Aug-12 13:09:07

I totally agree that my dd comes first and foremost and that I don't want another child and the thought of marriage fills me with doom laden thoughts.

What wonderful rays of sunshine and hope we are. grin

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 13:10:28

Phoenix- good points, good post.

Internet dating? Hmmm my oddest was the racist South African. Wasn't racist at the start of the date. Three glasses of wine it was like being at a KKK convention.

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 13:11:06

Phoenix- good points, good post.

Internet dating? Hmmm my oddest was the racist South African. Wasn't racist at the start of the date. Three glasses of wine it was like being at a KKK convention.

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 13:11:53

Anecdote so good I told it twice.

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 13:14:33

Well I am keeping your options open. You know "something" means you don't have to be too picky.

I am sensing a potential match on here though

Two singles / hate internet dating / putting selves out there on an internet forum (totally different)

Get in touch, people!! And you'll like..."get" each other because you've both got kids who you put first

I met the man of my dreams at the turnaround on a triathlon. I was beating him because I am the better swimmer so I got ahead. I beat him by 15 mins overall (ha ha ha). Now he thumps me though.

He then stalked me on Facebook and Skype until I agreed to marry him grin

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 13:15:34

"Thumps me" in a sporting sense

Or if his dinner isn't cooked by the time he gets home from work hmm

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 13:18:30

PS You do sound like a decent guy though. Don't be put off by the stories on here.

Even I read them with a glass of wine and a spot of incredulous disbelief. I really, really don't understand how people can live through some of the shit they live through.

And another thing to remember is that the dynamics of step parenting is fucking hard. And there is always that fun "evil, step-mother" tag line. It's not that they are evil, but they will always be seen to be. Women are the most threatened by each other and they will get bitter and nasty.

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 13:18:33

'thumps me'

I think you're in denial. (or was it the Thames?)
Leave the Bastard.

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 13:19:19

You're a woman at heart!!!

A racist south african?? I've never met a South African who wasn't racist! It's just the way they're brought up over there, sadly...

FateLovesTheFearless Fri 10-Aug-12 13:26:35

Agreed, had a south African ex who was very racist. hmm

Numberlock Fri 10-Aug-12 13:29:44

Reminds me of the Spitting Image song I've Never Met a Nice South African smile

a woman out there who, won't object to my children coming first, and that I spend a lot of time with them, doesn't mind my love of beer, and my love of sports

Please tell me you're in Manchester/North West, OP?

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 13:29:52

I was chatting to someone the other day and I think it's a frustrated racism. There are so many undercurrents that I don't think any race in South Africa is actually NOT racist. Or xenophobic.

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 13:35:58

My dad once said to me that while he loved his children, he wanted to be happy in his old age.

He said that he would always be my dad but that he needed to make himself happy as well.

I completely understood that. My relationship with my dad will change as I get older and did from when I was born until the day he died. At the end of the day, I buggered off and saw him once every two years from when I was 18 years old.

I would never have expected either of my parents to "put me first" knowing that my time with them is limited. Knowing that my dad had every right to a relationship and my mum had every right to a relationship.

I've read a lot about what people here think raising children is about and I think there is too much emphasis placed on "I will PROVE I love you". Why don't you just show them? Surely it's stronger to be in a place where you love your kids and you're happy and they know you're happy and everyone can kumbaya around the Christmas tree?

I never understand the shortsightedness of "my kids come first". What if you suddenly realise you're all alone and you will be alone in retirement? Why don't you give yourself the right to be happy instead of punishing yourself for a divorce and daring to have children in this day and age.

Just my two pence. I think my parents did a fairly good job with us and they didn't stop living at all. They didn't stop moving cities or countries. They didn't not remarry or have kids. They didn't see each other or live within 20miles of each other so that the other could see us as per the court order. My dad lived in another country entirely and the effort he made to come and see us every month meant more than some "court ordered time" meant.

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 13:41:24

Midlands not the North.

I speak or see my Mum (and Dad) nearly every day, as do my siblings.

On MN I'd be classed a Mummy's boy. I'm not, we're just a close family.

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 13:52:26

I married my husband because he had a close family and thats something i wanted our children to have and see.

I agree you cant live your life thru your children, they have their onw and so do you.

I cant wait til my children have left home. Im already planning second honeymoon and dirty weekends away and winter nights snuggled up on the sofa blush

Numberlock Fri 10-Aug-12 13:54:57

It's a difficult one isn't it, Kick. Of course my first priority is to my children but this still leaves plenty of time to put me first too. They spend half their time with their dad and half with me so I have plenty of free time.

My view of relationships at the moment is that they will largely happen during my child-free time. My time with my boys is precious and I protect that fiercely.

It's worked well for me for the last ten years since I divorced. Maybe in the future I will want more but for now I have a full life and dating/a relationship is the icing on the cake. I've been single for a year but before that have had three happy relationships on the above basis.

At this point in my life, I can see no benefit to me or my sons on living with someone else, whether they have kids or not.

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 14:01:44

Numberlock I think that's perfectly put. My parents divorced when we were in our late teens so we did a bit of ferrying between houses and then my dad moved.

Don't get me wrong, I am close as anything to my family. My dad died but he chose his life with his new partner in a new country and I didn't think for a second to begrudge him that. In fact, my mother was convinced he'd had an affair with his partner and I chose to speak to her about it instead of hating her immediately.

All I'm saying is that you need to try and make your life for you. If you don't need a relationship, then that's fair enough. But passive aggressive "my kids come first" is a threat really. One would expect that you could maintain a relationship with your children and that you love them. But threatening a potential partner with it is enough to have anyone heading for the hills. Who needs a reminder that your heart will forever be split? Instead of imaging your love as a staircase, why not imagine it as a pie chart? smile

OP you're fortunate in that you guys all live close to each other. Every single one of my brothers married a girl from another country and moved to that country with her. My dad married a girl from somewhere and moved there with her too. My one brother and I are very close and have always lived close to each other. My mother and I BBM and my DH and I have chosen our lives not to get away from family or because we feel we have to be near family, but because we have grown up knowing that we are loved.

So we don't need to prove that.

PS My mother had one relationship after her divorce. She was more the one who relied VERY heavily on me. The amount that she "put me first" to get over her divorce and then the subsequent amount of "strain" I had to feel to be her companion. That was hard to walk away from and it nearly broke our relationship. She didn't want to get over the divorce and move on.

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 14:04:11

Changling Are your parents still married?

Numberlock Fri 10-Aug-12 14:14:01

All I'm saying is that you need to try and make your life for you. If you don't need a relationship, then that's fair enough

Agreed, kick. I make my life for me (as well as my kids of course) in all sorts of ways. I have a very interesting job and travel all over the world, a great set of friends and we have regular weekends away, and I have lots of other interests.

My life has always been like that, whether I've been single or in a relationship, married or divorced, so from birth my sons have always known that their mum and dad have their own time and space. And times when it's all of us together. This has nothing to do with being single, married, divorced or dating, this is my own personal philosophy for life and I think it's very healthy for us all.

Also, by making an interesting life for me, it makes life more interesting for my kids too and gives them more opportunities, if that makes sense.

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