Oh Shagging Gods Grant us our Wish, A Newborn so Tiny to Squish, By Shagging like Stars, Or with Jizz in our Bras, To the Disco in a Petri Dish...it's JS 53!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
   
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
   
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
   
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
   
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.
   

JSing lingo
~~~~~~~~~

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory, who wouldn't?)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 52 (The one where we recruited) is HERE

The current Grads Fred is HERE

The current Mumming Fred is HERE

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is HERE

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is HERE

Stats sheet is HERE and a bit out of date now La has done a baby.

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

[Keepatit]

Ain's post from this morning
Just want to say thank you to you lovely lovely viroids for all your kind messages today. smile flowers

I'm still feeling a bit shit, but considerably better than this morning. tink I hope you are right and it is a very light af with all the crappy feelings that go with it. If that's the case there is a reason for it and means my body is possibly moving towards some sort of normality...
Lil I haven't seen my counsellor for a while as she is linked to my school and it's been the summer holidays. I could have swapped counsellors, wanted to try without for a while knowing there was an appointment lined up for September... so kinda stopping but not stopping as have that safety net lined up for September (September 7th).

Currently awake at 3 in the morning. Can't sleep. Have heartburn and stomach cramps, but they are higher up this time. Sort of feels like I've done 100 sit ups (I haven't) and feeling a little nauseous. Emotionally I am feeling a bit better. Had to force myself to go out earlier as had an appointment at the bank. I think the forcing myself to go out was key in changing my mood today even though I really felt like I didn't want to move from under the duvet...

Nfmv: halfway through writing this post DH decides to wake up with a hard on and practically jumps me. Not sure where that came from. Think he will remember in the morning this time? Lol.

[jellypi3]

Great new Fred chat just checking in with stats!

Name: jelly
Age: 25
Dc: none (two cats)
Currently baking a 'dragon fruit' sized bean who currently is a girl-bee :)

[MrsKittenPie]

Morning viroids! I'm back, mumsnet wouldn't let me reset my password til today after all that hacking stuff - I have been lurking though.
Great title chat
Nfmv - haven't a fucking clue. Had a very strange week where the (contraband) clear blue opk decided not to give me any positives just those stupid flashing smilies - so I wanted to throw it through the window. Then my miroid had some kind of meltdown and said I was putting too much pressure on him - it's shagging for gods sake -and refused to give the jizz bombs!! All this coupled with I'm supposed to go for my day 21 bloods this month, I've decided to go on Wednesday which will be about cd24 as I've no idea what's gone on.
Sorry for the rant but during the whole miroid on strike thing I couldn't even log on to mumsnet!!
Hope everyone is okay and is having a far better month than me

[oneyorkshirepud]

Ha ha love the new Fred title Chat!

Old school stats! Probably a good idea with all the name changes and newbies, I have no idea who anyone is anymore!

Name: Pud
Age: 30
DC: 2 mental cats, just the one DH and currently baking a Cantaloupe Melon sized wiggly Xmas pud of unknown flavour.

[Tinktheterrible]

Boom! I'm in! Whattup shaggers! I have a slightly sore head and am mostly excited that The X Factor appears to be starting tonight!? Didn't watch it last year but have high hopes for Nick Grimshaw. Off to take the dog to the groomers and then for a walk in the woods Dh has made a return to twatsville so I will doing this alone. Wish we didn't fall out every damn weekend

[MrsKittenPie]

My stats:
Name: kittenpie
Age: 37
DC: 1 ds aged 3
Cycle: losing count (and hope) - 15
Af due: who knows? Although it's my birthday next weekend and no doubt the old hag will turn up then to spoil the day

[MrsKittenPie]

tink - twatsville - my dh is there too

[Keepatit]

Stats!

Name: keep (was Kez)
Age: 28
DC: 3 x rabbits (fluffy )
TTC: #1
Cycle: 12
AF due: Tuesday

[Keepatit]

Ffs I have 2 rabbits not 3. I do however, have long nails preventing me from typing correctly!

[Keepatit]

jelly! waves
pud! waves

[oneyorkshirepud]

[bellybuttonfluffy]

Name: Fluffy
Age: 25
DC: One almost two year old ball of fluff (officially a dog, unofficially my adopted son).
TTC: #1 since April 2015.

Posting this to add it to my I'm On, and I'll be back to lurking

[ChatEnOeuf]

Excellent Fred filling :)

Chat Stats:
Name: Chat
Age: 33
DCs: DD almost 4, DS forever 36/40
Cats: One fussy tabby
Cycle: Depends how you're counting

[Mermaid36]

Wotcha Viroids!

Stats:
Name: Mermaid36
Age: 35
DCs: 2 x dogs
TTC: #1
Cycle: #3

[AreYouTheFarmer16]

Hello, please can I join? I've been lurking for a while, you ladies are hilarious!

Name: AreYou
Age: 34
DC: none (1 hound)
TTC: #1
Cycle: 4
AF due: no idea as I'm still wildly out of kilter since stopping the pill :(

[SockQueen]

Morning all! I'm writing this on the way to the airport, cos we're off to Rio! Aiming for lots of holiday shagging - would absolutely love to be able to cancel our fertility appointment of we get lucky on this trip.

Name: SockQueen
Age: 31
DC: 0
TTC: #1, 11 months, only about cycle 6 due to v erratic PCOS.

Not sure how much I'll be online for the next 2 weeks, so wishing you all good shags and BFPs!

[Tinktheterrible]

Name: Tink
Age: 34
DC: 1 dog, 2 cats
TTC: #1 for a very long time

Wow sock amazing!! Have a fab time, we'll miss you.

Welcome farmer, glad to have you aboard. Im so glad you think we're funny. Sometimes I read back and think we must sound like lunatics!

I just did a silent snotty cry in the corner of Costa I was reading an article about Jaime King and her infertility and forgot where I was. One man noticed and quickly looked the other way. Good Chap, silently sending him thanks for allowing me to pull myself together in peace. Mightily cheered up by the fact that Costa do toast!! Why did no one tell me this? It is a revelation! They should shout it from the rooftops! I love toast! Might open up a toast cafe somewhere trendy one day, like that cereal cafe in London, but with actual, edible food that you can eat

[Keepatit]

Welcome areyou - take a seat!

sock you have no idea how jealous I am - have a fab holiday and gx it's a holiday to remember in more ways than one

tink I get like that - in RL I put on a brave face but when on my own it makes me think more and more about it.

[jellypi3]

Welcome farmer

Have a great holi-bob sock I'm very jealous!

tink was it good toast??

[AreYouTheFarmer16]

Thanks ladies, I'm very new to MN and TTC really, I love this thread, you're all so down to earth, and it's nice to know that there are lots of other 30 something's trying for baby number 1 - I sometimes feel a bit like I'm like the odd one out as literally all our friends/family my age have at least one child/are preggo. Not that I'm cross about this (much)!!

[FeatheredTail]

Arrriiiiiiii shaglets?

Name: feathered
Age: 31
DC: none
TTC: in first full official post mc cycle. Mc at 8 weeks in June after getting upduffed in cycle one of trying.

Now in TWOT.

Ain how are you doing today? I was wondering if you took medication? I have a friend with depression/anxiety and so know how bad it can get, especially the insomnia. I hope you're ok.

Oooh Sock! Have an amazing time! Hasta la vista!

Tink hope things are alright with DH? I'm so jealous that you have a dog. I would do anything for a little dog. Such soul-lifters.

[FeatheredTail]

Hello Farmer!

[lildottie]

Name: lil
Age: 30
Ttc: #1 since Nov 12. 1st bfp from an ivf cycle in Feb ended in mc at 5wks, currently enjoying round 2 of endless injections, backwards hormones and wavering PMA. Depending on how chatty we are I might get my bfp on this Fred, but definitely think I'll make it to being pupo (pg until proven otherwise) on here :)

ain hugs for you.

Welcome to the new comers!

tink I think maybe you need to cut dh some slack and remind him that you love him. Sometimes we have to be the adult for the greater good.

[YogaPants]

I'm still here (new-be from recruitment drive that got booted out of mumsnet as part of hackergate but finally caught up with old thread).

Sorry to hear tink and ain had bad ends to last week.

I always think of September a bit like a new year - too long indoctrinated by the school system - a good time for new things to happen or exciting changed of direction. Gx for all of us on the thread that it will be our month!

[Ain626]

Morning viroids. Thank you all again for your kind words yesterday. Not sure why I suddenly had such a bad day. Possibly a combination of jet lag (being overtired is a trigger for me) and hopefully tink being right and all these cramps and spotting being some sort of af... I am actually feeling much better (not 100%, but much better) mood wise this morning which I'm taking to be a very positive sign. When my depression was at its worst a mood change like that would last days if not weeks...

Hello to farmer and to any other lurkers/newbies see this Fred is wonderful. The viroids are always on hand when you need them as my recent posts show! If you're lurking please come out and talk to us.

Stats...

Name: Ain
Age: 28
DC: 0. Just one little cute scruffball of a dog.
TTC: we've hit the year point now.
I have pcos, overweight (possibly as a result) and trying to lose weight to help with ttc, haven't had a natural cycle in years, but now have a consultant who I have my next appointment with in 3 weeks.