Will my labour be like my mum's?

[JuniDD]

I'm only 18 weeks and generally get on well with my mum. But.
She keeps telling me to push my midwife for a c-section. She had forceps with me, and tells me my nan and my aunt had the same. She doesn't want this for me. She tells me I am very small (I don't think I am!) and will struggle with labour.

She works in women's health so does come across birth damage in her job and obviously it happened to her. I feel like she's disempowering me and whilst the idea of forceps isn't brilliant, I'm less keen on the idea of a c-section. Can you request ventouse instead of forceps? Plus, it might all go swimmingly, or any of the other things that happen around pregnancy and labour might come up and I end up with a c-section anyway.

I guess I feel that there's a lot more information and empowerment for women now than there was back in the 50's and 80's. I hope I'd be starting off in a "better" position that they were back then, but I obviously understand that you get the birth you get and sometimes all the yoga in the world can't change things if the baby decides to be breech/transverse or whatever.

So, did you have the same birth & interventions as your mum or other women in your family? Should I just ask her to stop going on about it and leave me to make my own decisions? Thanks.

Mine were nothing like my DM's. Hers were smooth without issue, I had 2 emc.

I know she thinks she's helping but she really isn't in this instance.

My mum, nan and aunt all had episiotomies and forceps. I didn't even tear. You may suffer exactly the same birth injury as your family or you may not.

Yes thank your mum for the info now ask her to let you make your own decisions.

Tell her to stop scaremongering, and fast!

I find it truly shocking that she actually works in women's health and is feeding you this crap

I've laboured 3 times. Each entirely different to the other, and nothing like my mum's.

Specific labours don't go down the generations.

Ignore the claptrap, relax, enjoy your pregnancy and go with the flow of whatever works for you during your Labour!

My Mum had two very easy labours, didn't hurt at all apparently, sneezed the babies out and was up running round the hospital within 8 seconds.

I had two very long and complicated labours ending in various interventions and eventual emcs with both.

Tell her you will do what is right for you and ask her to stop with the scare stories. Information and empowerment, yes. Scare stories and pressure, no.

my four births were nothing like my dms
my mum wouldnt dilate at all,not even with contractions off the chart so needed 3 cs
mine were normal ,fast and relatively painless (just needed a hand to get labour started ,had to be induced on all 4)

My mother had 4 children. All big babies. All "normal" normal vaginal deliveries.

I have 3 children and with each pregnancy and/or deliveries, there've been problems. None of them went smoothly.

DC1 - large PPH
DC2 - threatened preterm labour at 28 weeks
DC3 - placental abruption, emcs, huge APH and PPH

Your mother may mean well, but each labour is different.

I think she should stop going on about it and as you say what will be will be.
BUT my labour was almost identical to my mum's except she had high forceps and I had a EMRC, which I am very thankful for!
My mum on the other hand didn't tell me about her labours until after mine as she didn't want to worry me but my midwife and the midwife's in hospital told me I was small would most likely end up with a c section and they were right.
Obviously there are plenty of small/short people who have completely un complicated births, my SIL is the same height as me (5ft) and had two natural water births without pain relief.
What will be will be, I hope it goes smoothly for you.

Wow, thanks for the quick replies, feeling a bit emotional!

allthatglistens - she's "oldschool" NHS and was a midwife for a while in the 70s. She keeps going on about my perineum and all that (sickface). I think she's seen too much of the bad stuff and not enough of the good/ok stuff.

She is massively supportive and my whole family have been through a lot with me to get to this stage (previous molar pregnancy, some TTC issues) so it's difficult to feel like I am pushing her away about this, it does come from a place of concern, particularly as we feel that this pregnancy is massively lucky . But, I do want to be able to enjoy this as much as I can and make my own choices without little voices taking my strength from me. Also, "mother is always right" is our little joke so I feel like I'm not starting off from a good place.

Sorry to ramble on, just needed to get it out of my head.

My mother was told to have a caesarean because she "was small". I asked my midwife about this and whether I might be "small" too. She said that they no longer think in these terms and that it's now not a reason to consider a planned caesarean.

Ahh that makes sense

I think people can forget how frightening first time pregnancy and labour can be.

If she is supportive then you can tell her that you're really grateful for her support, but you want to concentrate on a positive pregnancy and labour and that you're more than happy to go with whatever is best for you and your baby when you are in Labour, but that it's a very unpredictable thing and of course she knows that, so you will be flexible and listen to the medical experts in the room with you at the time if they feel you may need any intervention or are happy to leave things progress naturally

Rubbish. If you take that argument to it's logical conclusion (?!) we would all have the same birth experience as somewhere back in time we must all have had the same ancestor......

Both my births were completely different, and whilst there were similarities between my first and my DMs with me, the second wasn't anything like. Also my DSis had completely different experiences....

In your mother's defence, I know quite a few obstetricians who would never, ever consider a vaginal delivery. It's having seen so much of what can happen. If she's not only seen this, dealt with the aftermath and experienced it herself, then in some ways I can see why she takes the stance she does. But that doesn't mean you should put up with it.

Her experience is just not relevant. There are so many variables that affect labour, one simply can't extrapolate from hers to yours. You don't inherit labour experiences. And obstetrics has changed a lot since you were born.

I'm one of three daughters. Of our many labours, only one bore any resemblance to any of our mother's three experiences (which were all different).

She's probably a bit scared for you, but you don't need to take on the burden of dealing with that. I think the key thing is finding a way to stop your mother telling you all the negatives from her experience. No idea really, but if you find a way, PM me, I can use the tactic on my own mother!

My mum had forceps with her first and I never did I had a ventouse but only in my first. You can request no forceps in your birth plan, I did Twice! I wrote it in capital letters so it wouldn't be missed. You'll be fine. Just don't push for labour to come on by taking drastic measures such as castor oil/cod liver oil can't remember which one.

No, DM & I both gave birth three times.

Her DC1 - 48 hour labour, forceps delivery.
My DC1 - 22 hour labour, 'normal' delivery (no intervention).

Her DC2 - Sneeze birth. Quote "I didn't know I'd had her".
My DC2 - 8 hour labour, no intervention. 'Normal' delivery. (But I definitely knew I'd had him!).

Her DC3 - 10 hour labour, 'normal' delivery with no intervention.
My DC3 - 2 hour labour, very speedy final stage, no intervention.

So, no, we were both very lucky - no major intervention (apart from my being induced early every time), but the births were not the same.

Can you tell your mum that you will discuss your mums experiences with you MW nearer the time when you are making your birth plan/preferences?
& that you want to find out a bit more about what options you may have in terms of birth. Sounds like your mum could have done with some counseling after her experience TBH.

Her anxiety is a reflection of how she has internalised her experience, not how bad/serious it was IYSWIM.

Also the size of your body externally really does not actually reflect the shape and size of your pelvis when you are ready for labour anyway.

My births were nothing like my mums, I had such easy births whereas my mum really struggled with a couple of us.

Yes, my tiny sister (wore my normal clothes as her maternity clothes, didn't even look pregnant from the back) popped babies out with ease and speed! She has muscles of steel though.

Oh and I am only 5ft 2 and weigh just seven stone. I weighed just under eight when I was pregnant. My first baby took just 4 and a 1/2 hours from first pain to last and my second 3 and 3/4 . I enjoyed both experiences so I don't think size has much to do with it.

Another to say my births were nothing like the family history.

I actually had a moment in labour where I realized 'shit, they aren't going to wisk me off for a C-section, I actually have to do this!' which was quite scary.

Tell your mum that you know she means well, but you want to be prepared for every possibility and that includes the ones where everything is fine! Because being scared of laboring is definitely not going to help.

Mine was nothing like my mother's. She had a 3 hour birth, no interventions. I had a 36 hour labour and a lot of intervention.

My mum had a c-section with me and an induced vbac with my brother.

I had three straightforward deliveries with no problems.

Also, she had a life of gynae problems leading to a hysterectomy in her early 40s. I've never had a problem with gynae stuff until I hit the peri-menopause, but that's another story

I understand your worrying as I was the same - though I'd encourage you to try and work on it. Hoping this will help.. my mum is v slim and gave birth as follows:
DC1 - forceps delivery
DC2 - emergency c section, both she and baby nearly died
third pregnancy - late miscarriage
DC3 - elective c section

I have slim hips like my mum and like you, I was convinced history would repeat itself. It didn't. Both my DC were straightforward births, with no interventions.

The anxiety was stopping me from enjoying my first pg so I did hypnobirthing which was fab.

Good luck!

Just remembered something else she told me about my birth. She was screaming and trying to sit up. The midwife pinned her down with her arm across my mum's neck and told her she should know better and to shut up. Not really surprising she wants a calm surgical birth for me. This was 1981.

your poor mum Juni. What a horrible experience.

My mum had pretty bad experiences too, she was really against me having a home birth because of it, but my 3 births were all pretty decent. I think care of women in labour has moved on a lot.