Child birth humiliations(187 Posts)
Il start, after telling my midwife I needed to poop and her reassuring me that she'd checked and I was clear and it was a normal sensation. I did 1 il always remember that moment more than when DS was actually born. Worse still my dp had to clean me up. Soooooo cringe.
These are hilarious! Am crying with laughter!
Can I add my own tale? I originally posted about it on a different parenting site, under the name of bewilderedmum, and somehow, it ended up in classics on MN... here goes....
By Bewilderedmum, posting on Bad Mothers Club, 00:03 29/01/2007
After ds1 was born, I needed stitches. They removed the top half of the bed, and put me at the bottom half, with my feet in stirrups. It was a very small delivery room - in part cos I don't think they thought I was EVER going to give birth
Soo - am there, feet in stirrups, occupying the bottom half of the bed. The doctor was perched on a wheely stool thing, in this tiny delivery room, awaiting the passive arrival of my torn min-min, for his ministrations...
Aaanyway, cos of syntocinon drip, I was still honking like a good 'un, so some bright spark, propped me up on pillows , and raised the bottom part of the bed, so I didn't choke....
Unfortunately, because I am incredibly supple (tae kwon do) and had an epidural, which meant I had no feeling or control (or so I said )
I SLID down the delivery table, past the end, past the stirrups - my feet stayed where they were in the stiruups, but the rest of me carried on..) and into the face of the waiting doctor.
Cos it was a small delivery room, he was PINNED to the wall, by my savaged min-min - honest to god, it was in his face. he shouted "HELP" in quite a distressed tone of voice, but the midwives and dh were busy with the baby..
After 38 hours of labour, and a severe sense of humour failure throughout - it suddenly returned..
The Doctor looked SO panicked - like I was wielding a sub machine gun, not a savaged min-min.
I remarked to him "I bet you didn't think you'd spend your saturday night like THIS did you!!" Then I LITERALLY pissed myself laughing - in his face...
Dh turned to me, with some irritation, and said "FGS sober up - you're a mother now!" - which made me laugh even more!! and the midwives ran to oik me up the bed - but the doctor looked distinctly nervous - he did a FABULOUS job of my stitches - afterwards, I hardly knew they were there -
mind you - by this point, he was prolly so freaked out by my min-min, that he thought if he didn't do a good job, my min would find out where he lived, and would come and burn his house down....
I had an elective section so none of your poos. I did refuse to have the catheter put in the evening before though. The nurses on my ward must have been properly pissed off with me.
It didn't improve when I got to theatre, I'd rowed with the anesthetist the evening before about local versus general. He wanted to give me an epidural, I told him I wanted a general. He said 'there's more chance of you and your baby dieing' I pointed out that was down to his skill not me. Once we'd agreed it would be a GA, I got the oxymeter on my finger. He insisted that I got to 100% before he would start. I pointed out that 99% was a good figure for someone who smoked. This low level niggling carried on to the amusement of my doctor.
Long long ago, when I was in England I nursed on a gynae ward. A young woman (around 16) came in for a TOP. Her and her boyfriend were shagging about an hour and half after she came back from theatre.
The police were involved.
Oh pixwix, I just laughed so hard at that I woke DP!
I don't have any such takes from labour but if the poor women who had the misfortune be I duced at the same time as me are reading, I apologise profusely for my Darth Vader impressions throughout the night. I understand your induction did not go quite as quickly as mine so you probably did not appreciate repeated declarations of 'Luke, I am your father' while I sucked madly on gas and air.
Princess - TOP = termination of pregnancy
You ladies have made me laugh so much!! Freaking love these stories! Especially the one about the consultant being pinned down by a min min hahaha!!!
rip - that TOP story is awful! What the fuck is wrong with some people?
And pixwix - you win the trophy for best labour stitches story. ACE!
During my C-section they said they would give me a morphine suppository for pain relief once they were all done.
Me, being a control freak, asked them if they had done it when they were about to wheel me out of theatre. Nurse "yes, don't panic we've done that already!".
It totally passed me by that I wouldn't be able to feel them do it <<doh>>. It's very odd knowing I was oblivious to someone was popping a suppository in my bottom while I was merrily chatting to everyone and looking at newborn DS.
The 'stealth suppository', I had one of those too! Did anyone else get a pethedine injection post c-section to calm down their shaking? Having had pethedine during labour, I was most reluctant to but when I did give in, it was a totally different feeling to the one they gave me previously.
It wasn't embarrassing and no knew it was happening but I did have an 'out of body experience' in labour. Really I did, at one point I was up on the ceiling looking down on myself.
These are cheering me up on foul grey wet day. Thank you.
After EmCS all around me doing notes and clearing up, DH and anesthetist were STILL talking cameras and taking snaps of stuff around the operating theatre, DS was still feeding. Lovely nurses told me they were cleaning me up and apologised for taking so long ... I said, sorry, I had a shower this morning, I can't think what that can be' and went on and on about it. Love them, they just raisd their eyebrows... Only weeks later did I realise that major abdominal surgery can counteract the effects of a shower ...
Mine is about dh rather than me. In the labour room having dd, the mw left for a bit. I was trying to persuade dh to try the gas and air. He refused (trying not to break the rules). While we were discussing it the mw came back in and said that if he tried it while she couldn't see she'd never know.
He was still unsure but gave it a go while I went for a wee. He came in the bathroom with a big grin and the biggest hard on he's ever had. Cue fits of giggles from both of us. We walked back into the room to see the mw standing there, eyebrow raised and told him it was the most inappropriate side effect she'd ever seen!
Also with ds2, he came very fast, no time to get to hospital so dh called an ambulance. I remember hearing the siren getting closer and saying to dh that he'd better go next door to check our neighbour was ok as she'd recently had a heart attack. He sort of patted me on the head and said in a pitying sort of way that he thought it was for me. I was shocked. Ds2 arrived 15minutes after dh had rung the ambulance so I was a bit out of it.
I have enjoyed this thread so much I feel obliged contribute, although my story is not a patch on many of these.
With my son I started in the pool but had to get out of the pool due to his heartbeat slowing and needing closer monitoring. As I had left the pool they needed to transfer me to another room but my contractions were intense, close and they had no mobile gas and air (they were attached to the walls in the rooms).
So I decided in my head that my plan would be to finish a contraction and immediately proceed as quickly as possible to the next room to reach the gas and air before the next contraction started. I didn't vocalise this plan to my husband or midwife. The minute my next contraction ended I just leapt up and darted naked into the corridor, midwife and husband chasing me with a sheet. midwife caught me (not hard considering the state of me), wrapped the sheet round me "for my dignity" and physically stopped me running. I got to the doorway of the next room when my next contraction started and as I was howling in the doorway with my contraction all I could think was that I would have made it if that bloody meddling midwife hadn't stopped me.
I also pooed like a trooper, but that doesn't score many points on this thread
I went into shock after DD1 was delivered and couldn't stop shaking. The midwives were wonderful about it and put me on oxygen. I kept asking if they had got the afterbirth out yet as I just wanted them to stop piddling around down there... The MW gently informed me that they could only deliver the placenta if I opened my legs again...
When DH turned up at the labour ward for DS I got a hold of the
throat shirt collar and screamed "where the fuck have you been?" at him
Almost knocked DH out with the entonox breathing tube as I was waving it around like a loon and had to have it gently taken away!
dingdongbelle your West Wing story is BRILLIANT. Husband and I are laughing like drains at it.
This is really making me wish we got G&A in the States. Sounds amazing!
No G&A? Is there any alternative? Or is it epidural or nothing?
I think, though I may be wrong, that they do offer some kind of pethadine equivalent.
There are meds they can give you in your IV drip, I believe. But most people just go for the epidural or nothing.
We only have gas and air at the dentist, for some reason.
I had G&A and an epidural. 'Twas great
I only agreed to give birth again on the understanding that I could be off my rack on gas and air. Legal highs, yummy.
My otherwise-lovely-but-very-woo home birth MW brought the G&A with her but by sheer force of personality persuaded me I'd be better off without it and left it in the living room while I ended up doing the whole thing on two cocodamol and a lot of bad language (oh, okay, and an attention-seeking live birth fred ). I bet I wouldn't have cared so much about the poo on gas and air. [bitter]
I should have told put my foot down but was too scared to and didn't want to beg for it or otherwise make a scene, apart from the obvious one of crapping,naked, in a giant paddling pool my own home in front of a complete stranger.
God forbid I'd have needed the diamorphine...
These stories are hilarious!
Mine is nowhere near as funny, but I became rather unreasonable during my labour with DS1 regarding what I was allowed to drink. I wasn't allowed food as there was a chance I would need an EMCS, so after 15 hours of induced labour with nothing but water, and being off my face on G&A and having an epidural in, I threw a bit of a hissy fit and demanded, in a whiny child voice that I be given lemonade. DH and DM asked the MW and got a no, which led me to whine a bit more about orange juice - another no. DH said I started whimpering and he came up with the idea of giving me warm water as a change, to which I apparently gave a big sigh and a contented smile.
Also, the team who eventually arrived to take me to theatre a few hours after the drink incident were most surprised to find me totally chilling out and had to wrestle the G&A off of me to sign the release form. DH said I was so laid back that the whole team were having a chuckle at my big goofy grin and wobbly head nodding.
This thread has had me crying with laughter! I was very pleased with myself for not pooing myself when I had dd but I'm now 20 wks with dc2 and wondering what will happen...
Oh dear pixwix, I almost pooed myself laughing just now reading your contribution.
<wipes away tears and checks sheets just in case>
I would give good money for gas and air. It should be free just to cheer people up. My best bit was rolling round on a birthing ball shouting "these contractions are fucking brilliant" to a bemused DH. That bit didn't last long though.
I got to have a toot recently when I went in to see my DSis' new baby. Lovely.
Oh dear God this thread has had me crying with laughter. Not sure whether I am looking forward to or dreading going into labour now!
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