Child birth humiliations(187 Posts)
Il start, after telling my midwife I needed to poop and her reassuring me that she'd checked and I was clear and it was a normal sensation. I did 1 il always remember that moment more than when DS was actually born. Worse still my dp had to clean me up. Soooooo cringe.
This thread has made me giggle so much. I'm 8 days overdue, I hope my story is as funny as these!
and people having sex imminently after giving birth <boak>
LMFAO at the woman peeing on her DH!!! All of these are making me cry with laughter!!
when they put the dressing over my emcs scar bit one of them said ooo thats going to hurt when it comes off and I shouted 'its alright my bush needs a wax anyway'
I had an emergency section so didn't go into labour, but your stories make me realise that finding myself naked in the operating theatre wearing inflatable wellies with 20 people standing around watching really wasn't that bad after all
Second birth was so speedy that midwife had to abandon filling the birthing pool in the adjoining room, to assist me when I started to scream blue murder. Turns out she forgot to switch the taps off....
Ended up giving birth with water lapping my ankles, grabbing the midwife's hand saying melodramatically "Don't leave me" when she wanted to switch the taps off. The ward on the floor below had to be evacuated when water started seeping through the ceiling and the birthing pool was out of action for six weeks afterwards.
Brilliant thread! I had to be coaxed out of the delivery suite bathroom and restrained from walking down a corridor completely starkers! I'm normally very prudish, but I was so far gone I didn't care.
Had a very fast labour and the midwives assumed I was a first time mum being a bit hysterical and suggested I had some paracetamol and a bath. DH arrived to find me locked in the bathroom, refusing to come out and wailing that I couldn't cope with another 12 hours of labour. Turns out I was fully dilated and DD was born 30 minutes later.
I was admitted very overdue for possible induction and went into labour while waiting. The MW suggested running a bath so DH did. My contractions became very strong and in common with many others on here I started getting rumbling in my tummy. The bubbles were awesome but I cringe at the thought of DH and the MW seeing me naked, making noises like some kind of hippo and farting for England.
strawberry The midwife - pointing my bum hole out to dh, 'now we know the baby is about to come out as the anus is dilating'
I laughed 'til I cried over that!!!
My sis had just finished telling the nurse on ward how she had puked over the surgeon, during her c-sect, when the nurse asked what she'd had. A cicken sarnie and a packet of crisps. She meant boy or girl.
Me, having an internal while my 2 friends sat eating pizza and having a glass of wine next to the bed. And poo.
Realised I had pooed when pushing with dc2, touched it much to mw horror, shouted out I had said poo on hand in my own horror then waved and wiped it in dhs face much to his horror
A friend told me that during transition she shouted "Fuck Sheila Kitzinger".
I was induced and was to be asked to leave my underwear off for the duration. After a few hours of contractions I couldn't have given a shiote. Anyone that wanted to see my hoohar, could (and a few that didn't probably).
Mostly, I was bothered after the fact.
I needed and EMCS and when the doctors broke the new I said no on the very insistent grounds that "I have never been in hospital". They had to peel my fingers away from something to get me to theatre.
I had the fart of my life. MW looked disgusted at the uncontrollable motorbike sounds I produced. DH and I really started laughing at her reaction and she left the room so we could gather ourselves. When she came back in DH asked me if "I was nice and relaxed down there". That is making me laugh now.
Very shocked at people having sex on a ward a few days after having a baby
Unexpected - PMSL. That is the funniest thing I have ever read, what on earth did the chap say when you started crowing on about touching his cock?!!
With DD1, I was examined when I first arrived at hospital. Already at 8cm and the MW asked me if I could put my trousers back on to walk around to the delivery suite...well of course I fecking couldn't. Cue me hobbling past the packed waiting room thinking I was wearing a make-shift toga of a bed sheet, when in reality the MW was struggling to protect my modesty. I did wonder about the
slightly horrified curious stares I received. DH filled me in later.
With DD2, in the
stitch up the fango post-delivery haze, DH was asked by the head MW if he and DD2 would like the starring role on the delivery suite tour she was giving as DD2 was the newest baby in the world on the ward. DH was only to happy to oblige and stepped outside the room (cue 'Oooohs' and 'Ahhhs' from the waiting crowd). With my legs in stirrups and two earnest MWs focussing on my nether regions, I got a serious fit of the giggles and began shaking whilst trying to hold them in (thanks to the G&A) imagining the poor women on the other side of the door who had no idea what they were letting themselves in for. MWs thought they were hurting me and were full of concern, then quite bemused when I finally roared with laughter and could barely choke out the words to explain why I was laughing. Ahhh, happy days.
(Co-incidentally, DD2 was born just as 'Every breath you take' was playing on the radio. Would have preferred 'Push It' by Salt and Pepper, but you can't have everything!)
EMCS, the only one that day. The next morning I asked a mw when breakfast was and why it hadn't arrived, and she told me I had to fetch it myself from the end of the corridor, clearly not realising I was not a VB. On truly vast quantities of drugs, I whipped the sheet back to show my lady parts with 2 pads balanced against me soaking up the blood, a catheter and demanded to know how I was meant to do that. I MADE her look.
She wasn't a mw. She was a catering assistant.......
mrsmuffintop who is Sheila Kitzinger ? That has made me cry with laughter
Sorry, another poo story coming your way! After a prolonged labour and much pushing I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and remember murmuring I could feel the head coming. No, my mistake, it was a number 2!
What makes me cringe more to this day is, after finding out I had retained placenta a few weeks later, opted to have a 'medical miscarriage' to rid body of the leftovers. Nurse told me to use bedpans when i needed to use the loo. Still not sure if she just meant for pee pees but needed to have a poo so much. Was mortified and DP was highly amused when I handed her my 'motion'! Still get so when I think about it now!
My advice to anyone during childbirth: leave your dignity at the door and pick it up on the way home
I am crying with laughter at these.
After ds1 was born, I had a nasty tear and was taken into theatre to be stitched under an epidural. It had been an agonising labour, no bloody epidural as "the staff were too busy", lots of drugs that made me hallucinate, then an explosive 3rd degree tear.
So, obviously, I decided that the anaesthetist was the sexiest, most attractive man in the planet, and I flirted with him through the procedure.
Then, a man walked into the theatre, and just peered between my legs.
Now, I'm a shy, retiring type normally, but I was so drugged up, I just said "excuse me, but who are you, and what gives you the right to look there".
He said he was "Mr" something... I just remember ranting a bit, and saying "so, a "Mr", makes you a consultant person, and you think that you can just wander in, after the event, stare at my bits, without even even introducing yourself, like I'm just a piece of meat!"
My lovely anaesthetist was holding my hand and laughing so much he was shaking.
Then they wheeled me out, to see my baby and worried DH, and I just told him that I'd had a fantastic time in theatre, and it was miles better than giving birth.
(but like a strange dream now... Think it was the drugs...)
I remember yelling at the poor aneathistist or however you spell it, after ds1 was born, that he was a fucking sadist. Ds2 I told the
aneathitist woman with the spinal drugs she was the most wonderful person in the world. Ds1 elcs, ds2 emcs after 19 hours of labour.
Ken Dodd - just googled her as also curious: Sheila
The shout out makes sense now.
After DS1 when I was examined frequently throughout a long and complicated 24 hour labour, I presumed that was the norm.
With DS2 after only 5 hours and one examination, I spotted the midwives whispering in the corner and putting on aprons and gloves.
I begged DH to find out what was going on - only to be informed that the baby was imminent. " But you haven't examined me!" I exclaimed, much to their amusement. "We can just tell" one of the MWs explained.
"EXAMINE ME" I screamed. "EXAMINE ME. I NEED A NUMBER. I'M A NUMBERS GIRL"
I think they were still picking themselves off the floor laughing as DS2 made his entrance
I don't have many as I was so in pain that it was sort of beyond pain IYSWIM. Most of the time I was silent with the occasional animal-caught-in-a-trap whimper.
But once DH put a cold soda bottle to my forehead as he thought I looked hot. I didn't like it and hissed " get that off my head " with such homicidal fury that he and the doctor both stared at me in terror.
With second birth I was high as a kite on gas and air. I also had a student midwife with me who was witnessing her first birth. I do worry I put her off. I had an epidural that failed and kept demanding the anesthestist be brought back, I kept saying I didn't like having babies, after an internal I told her she was much more gentle than the proper midwife. I also did a massive poo on the toilet early on in labour, I had been suffering with constipation during pregnancy. Later on when things were taking some time midwife said to DH I was a bit blocked up, I proudly shouted that I had a poo earlier and that it was massive. I went on to do another poo whilst pushing and it really smelt. I lost sensation in my bladder immediately after birth and stood up only to wet myself a lot.
These are hilarious!
As the mw helped me stagger from induction annexe to delivery room (with murderous contactions), I alternated between howling "whyyyyyyyyyyyy can't I have a c section with general anaesthetic I WANT TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and "oh god I'm going to poo, here on the floor, help I don't want to poo" followed 20 minutes later by a whimpering "i love you" to the anaethetist who administered the epidural
My labour was on the whole quite grim and traumatic so its amazing after 3 weeks I find this funny
I remember sobbing to my lovely midwife - I can't do it. I keep pushing and all I do is keep pooing
She was really wonderful and reassured me I was doing it right and I didn't poo evertime I pushed. Look - you didn't do one the last time
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