What can't I get over my sons diagnosis?

[lifeisfuckinggreat]

My DS is nearly 9. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, ASD and Dyslexia in the last couple of years. As he gets older his Autism has become more and more pronounced. He's academically sort of keeping afloat but can't dress or clean himself,is very controlling with food and has sleep issues and short term memory loss. He's very anxious, he has a little insight and considers himself a failure at everything. He is very literal so struggles to understand what's said to him and it feels like he argues with everything unless it's also said literally, which I find exhausting

I've sold my business and we've recently moved to another country where my DH has more time off and I can both spend more time with my DS. It's been tough for all of us but we are already happier than we were. His school And his GP are more supportive than back home.

I spend more time with him than ever before and I feel as though I'm understanding him more but I just continue to be devastated by his Autism and ADHD. I read about other parents just getting on with life (we don't know any other Autistic children) but I seem not to be able to do that.
My son is a really special boy and I love every part of him but it breaks my heart on a daily basis to see him struggling.

I suspect my DH is also on the spectrum although he hasn't been diagnosed. He is in denial about my son and so we have difficulty in talking openly about it. We have no family near by and what family is back at home also struggle to accept what is happening.
I had councelling until we moved which did help but I'm stuck at not getting over the problems our son has. I just feel so sad for him.

Why can't I just get on with life and stop grieving for the life I feel he should have had? any help would be appreciated..

[lifeisfuckinggreat]

*why

[rockinhippy]

I'm bumping this up, so that hopefully someone with better understanding of what you are going through can reply.

All I can say is, that I'm sure its a natural process to grieve what you perceive your Son has lost, that coupled with all the upheaval for you & your family & now having more time on your hands, its no doubt suddenly hit you like a ton of bricks, it will get better for you & its really not the end of the world for your Son - I know several people who like your DH (& mine too) that I don't doubt would have had an ASD type diagnosis if it was more common when they were young, but have gone on to have successful careers & happy lives anyway - my friend who has an ASD son, was too busy fighting the system to get him the help he needed & as well as dealing with her other young DCs needs at the time he was diagnosed & I think as shed always known he was different & his sometimes behaviour wasn't out of badness, to her it actually came as a relief to finally know why - her Son is thriving teen now :)

Hoping you are feeling okay & that another ASD parent who understands better, sees this now its bumped up :)

[Jobob66]

Agree with rockinhippy that there is a grieving process to go through to be able to deal with the future. All of us become mums and whether we like it or. It, we have a vision and a set of hopes and dreams about what our children might do. And a special needs diagnosis changes all that - not because it means they have no future, but because it might change how they are viewed by others. Autism especially is only a 'disability' because of other people and their rigid views of how we should all behave, not the views of autistic people themselves.

My 17 yr old son has Aspergers and once the grief was over have learnt so much from him. His truthfulness and directness make me stop and think and he has never fallen into typical teenage behaviour because he sees it as silly - eg drinking or smoking or expensive fashions. He also discovered a talent for music and having been told he would never pass exams, ended up at a special music school and may well be a professional musician.

Let yourself grieve, but remember to celebrate the things that make your son special and and the fact that the changes you've made sounds as if they may give you a better life than before. He will develop skills, he will learn to cope with the world and he will surprise you. Remember he's still a child though and needs boundaries - unacceptable behaviour still needs to be challenged, not excused or ignored.

Good luck - and go easy on yourself. Sounds like you're doing a great job