Motherless mothers on mothers day

(92 Posts)
SiriusStar Thu 25-Feb-10 11:28:22

This will be my 10th Mothers Day without my mum. It got easier when I had my ds as it meant that I could "join in" and be part of it again.
I still find it hard though, seeing all the posters and cards. I get annoyed at buying a card for my mil and can't even write Mum on gift tags for her as it feels wrong.
The thing that people don't tell you about when someone dies is that you not only grieve for the past that has gone but the future you won't get as they are no longer with you.
My lovely Mum has missed so much and I feel the loss of her so keenly in March and then the anniversary in May. It may not sting as much but the dull ache is still there.

I suppose I just wanted to say that I am thinking of all you motherless mothers over the next couple of weeks.

Cosmosis Tue 02-Mar-10 15:51:19

Burnyhill I so agree with you re the mothering role model. I was very lucky in that I had an aunt (my dad's sister) who took over the role to a great extent and was absolutely wonderful. Sadly she died 9 years ago so I have lost her too.

I had some counselling a couple of years ago about thhe whole thing (my mum and brother were killed in a car accident and it is something I have not dealt with properly) and my counsellor assured me that although I do not remember my mother very much, i will have unconscious memories of her mothering which should help me with mine.

assumetheposition Tue 02-Mar-10 16:04:36

It will er my 6th too. It's only when you have children of your own that you realise how much your parents loved you.

I know my husband loves me and will support me but it's never the same.

I find mother's day easier now that I have children but it's still very hard.

ohfuschia Tue 02-Mar-10 19:29:28

So much here I recognise, I almost couldn't post it hurts so much. Lost my darling Mum on March 13th last year so will have her anniversary and then Mother's Day will follow. Mum passed away on the day of my 20 week scan, she had been taken in in the early hours of that morning, was in intensive care and I walked across to the maternity wing to have the scan. I pretty much knew she wouldn't survive the day so decided to have the scan and find out the sex of my baby so I could tell her - I hope she heard me, and also heard me tell her I hoped to do even close to the job that she did.

It's so hard to be in a world without her, though my baby is such a joy and I'm thankful for him every day.

As the anniversary approaches I've been finding myself brooding again, and the first spring sunshine, while welcome, is a reminder that another season is arriving without her. Went to her grave yesterday and today, and did find some comfort there.

I did email Cruse last week, as feel I need to blurt a load of stuff out so it might help stop the freefloating thoughts - have had nothing back yet, maybe will try and give them a call.

Thanks for the thread Sirius, thoughts out to all of us without our touchstones.

whitecloud Tue 02-Mar-10 20:54:25

SiriusStar - thank you for starting this thread. It will be my second Mother's Day without my Mum - she died in June 2008. Last year I couldn't bear to go over to my mother in law's - I knew I would just cry so I stayed alone and cried. Am not sure how it will be this year. Feel for anyone who has to be with their husband or partner's family - it can make you feel so alone when they are all together.

Good to know that there are others going through the same. I feel particularly for the ladies who lost their mothers young. But it is so hard at any age.

tartyhighheels Tue 02-Mar-10 21:20:22

Thanks for starting this. I lost my Mummy almost 8 years ago and I miss her a lot of the time. I drove past her horse field today and thought of her. I still look for her car there each time I go past: daft as it is. My DH lost his Mum too and we sometimes have a little chat and a little tear because they have missed out on so much. My Mum knew my oldest but I have had two more since then and am expecting another. What I feel sad about is that my life has moved on so much and she would have been so happy for me and my family.

However, I do try to think of what she has left behind rather than what I lost when she died. All my children have a grain of her in them, parts of me (the nice bits mainly) are similar to her - so I feel that even though she has left in body she is still here in all we do.

BurnyHill Wed 03-Mar-10 08:48:36

Cosmosis I know exactly what you mean, I was very close to my grandmother and I suppose she is my role model (one hell of a woman I can tell you!) but we lost her 3 years ago and that was the hardest thing because I feel like I've had two 'mums' die now. Now, without either, I often feel lost.

Shoshe Wed 03-Mar-10 09:00:49

It will be 19 years this year since Mom died from Breast Cancer, I was 31, and had looked after her for the 18 months before, although she had been diagnosed for 4 years by then.

Mother's Day has always been hard for me, Mom was by best friend, and there is still days I see something on TV, or read something in the paper and think 'I must ring Mom and see if she has seen that'

I dont think you ever get over losing your Mom.

Quiltingmama Wed 03-Mar-10 09:05:03

My Mum dies ten years ago and I am (very) pg with DC2 now - she never got to know I have had children which is one of my biggest regrets. She would have loved DS - they are so similar. My father has advanced Alzheimers so can't talk about her or remember just about anything including me, Dh or DS which is horrible. Mother's Day will be orchestrated around my MIL as usual which sort of suits because I can metaphorically curl up in a corner with my memories but I wish someone would acknowledge that Mum isn't here but was a brilliant mother when she was. Thank you for starting this thread -I thought it was just me who felt like this, silly really.

I alternate between feeling so sad becasue she never saw how DH and I have built up our family, it was what she always wanted for us, and feeling happy I at least had her until I was 30. That's more than many people get.

I tried Cruse too when she died but could never get through - lack of funding I guess. I had some counselling in the end which was worthwhile. Take care everyone

BurnyHill Wed 03-Mar-10 09:05:17

Shoshe Again, that sounds similar to me, my mum died when I was 7 but had been ill for years. Its not that I lost her at 7 as such, I gradually lost her bit by bit over the years. In fact, I think for me, the biggest impact on me was the constant stress and worry of the hospitals, the ambulances the wondering what would be next. I think people underestimate how much children know/pick up on.
You're right though, its not something you get over. Lots of people have told me 'time heals all wounds' but I think that is utter rubbish personally. We just get better at coping with it, thats all, it doesn't hurt less.

BessieBoots Wed 03-Mar-10 09:06:23

This will be the 6th year without her. She died aged 44. I have reached a point that I smile instead of feeling sad when I think about her, but I do wish that I could have cooked her a nice meal (learned to cook after she died), sung her a song, and mostly, I wish she could have met my DSs. She would love them so much- But then, I think she is loving them, from somewhere.

I have a Mother's day tradition of buying flowers for Mam and MiL (also deceased), going for a walk to somewhere beautiful, and leaving the flowers there for them. I found I felt worse if I tried not to think about it on the day- It madde me miss her even more. Now DH and I talk a lot about how lucky we were to have such wonderful mothers, who gave us a solid start in life.

Hope you're all okay xxx

wilbur Wed 03-Mar-10 09:14:38

So sorry to all those here with such recent losses. My mother died in 1997, just after Mother's Day, so I have the two dates very close together - this time of year always feels like Mum's time to me still. She also missed seeing all her grandchildren and my sister and I getting married - so many things she was looking forward to that were taken away. It's a long road, coming to terms with it, but it does get better - it never goes away and there will always be times that it all comes back as sad as ever, but you do find a place for it, eventually. Having said that, I am off to John Lewis today, mum's favourite store, and there are always so many adult daughters shopping with their mums there, it always makes me sad.

SiriusStar Wed 03-Mar-10 10:42:48

Bessie, I like you idea of going for walk and leaving some flowers somewhere. my Mum was cremated and so don't really have anywhere to go, so that is a lovely idea.

Sunshinemummy Wed 03-Mar-10 11:36:55

SiriusStar thanks for starting this thread. I lost my mum 21 years ago when I was 18 and I also find Mother's Day hard, even though I have DS and DD. When I first see the display in the shops I have to turn away and, like you I can't bring myself to write mum on my MIL's cards.

One thing I like to do on any special day to do with her is buy some flowers for my house and just spend a few moments thinking about her. She does have a grave but it feels like it's nothing to do with her. This time of year is especially nice as daffs were her favourite flowers.

deaddei Thu 04-Mar-10 22:19:26

I have just seen this thread and have tears rolling down my face.
My mum died 28 years ago when I was 22, and I can't really remember her at all. We weren't very close, but I have lots of "issues" and think it all comes from losing my mum fairly early on in life. Like you Sirus Star, she was cremated, so have no where special to go.
And I'll have to go now as I can't see for crying, and I don't want dh to see me like this.

SiriusStar Fri 05-Mar-10 21:25:35

deaddei, I am sorry this has made you so sad. You are not alone.
Please come back if you can.

liahgen66 Fri 05-Mar-10 21:31:21

this is my 32nd yr without my mum, she died when i was 11.

We don't live anywhere near where her ashes lay, (amongst everyone elses as my stepdad didn't want them). I have just kind of got used to it over the years tbh. I don't like it but I live with it now.

Also the aniversary of her death on the 20th march too.

I never write mum on mil's cards or anything, not do i buy them, this is dh's job. When we got married she did say, "you'll have to call me mum now" I just looked at her as if sh was mad, we don't get on that well at the best of times. hmm

It's a hard time of year.

This will be the second year without my mum. She was the most fantastic person and I regret so much that she was taken from our family. We all lost so much. I hope that I cherished my mum every day and she knew how much I loved her but MD is especially hard. My sis and I will go to sit with her ashes that are buried in the garden and have a chat about stuff to her and a little cry. Thought will be with everyone else who has lost their mum.

Haribolicious Mon 08-Mar-10 10:59:32

Thanks so much for this thread - I've only just found it but have been thinking about my Mum a lot in the run up to Mother's Day....it will be my 1st without her and I have been wondering how the heck I'll deal with it. I don't live near where she is buried but will be visiting in a few weeks, so will lay flowers then but I too can't face getting MIL a card or writing 'Mum' and the displays in shops leaves a lump in my throat. I have a DS but really feel like I don't want to mark the day at all sad
So sorry that there are so many of us....thinking of you all.

LilRedWG Mon 08-Mar-10 11:48:02

Harib - I got away without celebrating MD at all last year. DD was young enough not to know or care.

DH, DD and I pottered in the garden and ignored all things MD. We just had a lovely day together and remembered Mum. DH found a plant under a pile of ivy and honeysuckle, that my Dad had bought me several years ago. He'd bought himself one too as the name references Mum's Christian name (a nickname that she couldn't stand) and maiden name. It made us laugh at the time and made DH and I smile when we found it. DH re-potted it and it now has pride of place on the patio - DD knows it as Granny and Grandad's plant.

What I'm trying to say is do what makes it easiest for you. If you don't want a big fuss, just say. Everyone will understand.

Haribolicious Mon 08-Mar-10 13:23:41

Hi LilRed....thanks for that...I'd like to do something like get a plant - Mum loved to garden and with not living close to the cemetery, DH has suggested doing something we can have closer....just not sure what yet! Hope you're doing ok....

MadameOvary Mon 08-Mar-10 13:33:03

Thanks for starting this thread.
My Mum died 23 years ago, I was 17 and my unspeakable father did not even give her a gravestone. I had to ask where she was buried.

So sorry DD will not know any GP's.
Makes me want to weep everytime she sees "Grandpa in My Pocket" and says "Grandpa" sad

First time I have felt "allowed" to be envious of other women with Mums.

loujay Mon 08-Mar-10 13:42:28

Thanks for startin ghtis thread, I lost my Mum 5 years ago
It was her birthday yesterday and then mothers day next so this week will not be a good one for me or my sister.
I miss my Mum every day, and am sad that she never knew my DS, although she knew DD for the first 16 months of her life.
It is the little things that get me, I still want to tell her stupid stuff that has happened throughout my day (stuff that DH is not particularly interested in and i could have spent an hour talking to my mum about!!)
Seeing this thread has made me realise how I am still grieving for her 5 years later

whitecloud Mon 08-Mar-10 17:09:31

This thread is such a comfort. How do you deal with having to be with your m-in-law and the other side of the family? Think mine is planning to go out and have a celebration. Couldn't face it at all last year but this is my second Mother's Day without my Mum. I'm sure everyone thinks I should be through it more than I am. A comfort to realise that so many people are finding it difficult. I find days that are meant to be joyful the hardest of all....Worry that the tears will suddenly well up and it won't be acceptable to feel bad....

SiriusStar Mon 08-Mar-10 22:17:33

I suppose in some ways I am lucky in that we don't live close to my mil. We never really made a big deal of Mother's Day for my mum, we would get a card and maybe a potted primrose or a box of chocolates. I think that sil and bil make a bigger deal than we do. I buy a card for mil but leave it up to dh. I just can't bring myself to make the extra effort. It isn't that she is horrible, just I feel sad she isn't my mum.

CaptainUnderpants Thu 11-Mar-10 08:42:40

It s my 3rd Mothers Day with out my Mum plus it is her birthday in March aswell .

Ever since Mum passed away I have refused to buy a Mother s Daycard for MIl , that is now down to DH .

I started finding it hard this week as I work in a playgroup and the children are making Mothers Day cards. I also refuse to go to church On Mothers day with my sons for Beavers and cubs because I can't deal with it and get extremely emotional .

I can't just go and see where Mums ashes are scattered because we live 200 miles away. Both my boys will be out playing rugby on Sunday mornig so might just have a good cry at home and get it out of my system for the day.

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