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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Dh died in July, without warning.

48 replies

jchocchip · 17/09/2014 23:06

Finding it hard to believe that I won't see him again. We met at University and had been married 25 years. Three children, youngest 16 so we had been finding more time to do things as a couple again. We had plans for the future. A new kitchen to design, the extension to rebuild, places to visit. I know I moaned about him, he wasn't perfect, but he was very supportive and did his best. I miss him so much. I tried to go back to work, but couldn't concentrate so I have been signed off sick. There is so much to do with paperwork and also I have to respond to a complaint that I have started with the hospital who were dismissive when he attended a & e the morning he died. I don't know how long it is going to take me to sort out all the formalities and feel able to go back to work.

OP posts:
halfthewaytothemoon · 17/09/2014 23:19

I can hear your sadness...it will take time. just take it one step at a time consider grief counselling may help

Original poster
jchocchip · 17/09/2014 23:26

Yes gp has given me details of counselling. I am going to phone tomorrow for an appointment.

OP posts:
Azquilith · 17/09/2014 23:27

So sorry for your loss Flowers

GreenSpaghetti · 17/09/2014 23:29

What a terrible thing. I am sorry.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 17/09/2014 23:30

It takes as long as it takes, dong push yourself, the paperwork will also work itself out in time - it must be so hard for you, I watched my father go through this, it's a long tough road ahead but I can promise it gets better, not always easier

Speaking to people always always helps, do you have anyone in real life you can grab a coffee with and blurt it out, GP a good idea too

Original poster
jchocchip · 17/09/2014 23:38

I do have a few good friends who looked after me in the immediate aftermath. I thought going back to work would be a good thing, but it just highlighted how bad my concentration was. I don't know how long it will take to get into a place where I feel confident to go back to work. I feel guilty letting the team down, but to be honest I think I am a liability at the moment, likely to make mistakes :(

OP posts:
iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 17/09/2014 23:43

Your not letting anyone down, most people will have compassion for you and won't judge, it's a sign of the person you are that you feel you are letting them down but that's you being hard on yourself, work comes second at the moment - go back when YOU are ready

ChewyGiraffe · 17/09/2014 23:45

You say he wasn't perfect, well noone's perfect, doesn't stop a person being lovely. 25 years married, 3 children together and all that lovely normal day to day life you shared (kitchens, extensions, holidays) so of course you must miss him terribly. What a huge change you (and DCs) are now having to deal with, I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I hope you can at least find a supportive counsellor who can help you make a start in learning to live with your loss. I don't know if you're dealing with the hospital complaint without professional assistance, but if not it seems like a huge burden to shoulder alone. I have a friend who unfortunately had to make a similar medical claim and I don't think (in her particular case) she would have got through it without a specialist solicitor.

Original poster
jchocchip · 17/09/2014 23:56

I don't necessarily want to make a claim against the hospital, but I would have liked a bit more compassion in their initial response. The first doctor mentioned admitting him, but the second dismissed it as indigestion/food bolus. They didn't seem to take it seriously, but he never made a fuss, had never been to A & E for 35 years, when could barely walk and he said it was agony they should have given him something more than gaviscon. I suppose I should have questioned it at the time but they said the second heart trace was ok and they were the experts.

OP posts:
Original poster
jchocchip · 17/09/2014 23:57

He was lovely. So many friends bereft.

OP posts:
SomethingVicardThisWayComes · 18/09/2014 00:04

im so sorry for your loss - dont begin to take on the guilt of what happened - it sounds like mistakes were made but that is not your fault.

do seek counselling.
dont rush into decisions about work or getting answers from the hospital right now....that can all wait until you feel stronger.

concentrate on getting through. support your children. dont feel rushed into making hasty decisions.....work at your own pace.

sending you lots of love

MrsSchadenfreude · 18/09/2014 00:05

I'm sorry for your loss. Is there anyone who could help you practically with the paperwork? My Mum had a friend of a friend who offered to help her with this, and it helped hugely, particularly as the friend didn't know my Dad and was not emotionally involved. She was kind and empathetic, but hugely practical as well, which was what we needed.

Original poster
jchocchip · 18/09/2014 08:51

My mil is helping a bit. She has moved house to be close to us and is just a few doors away. She is emotionally involved, of course.

OP posts:
Chimchar · 18/09/2014 08:56

I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely husband.

My Mum died in very similar circumstances a few years ago...the shock is unthinkable isn't it?

Put yourself first for a while. Stay off work as long as you need to. You need to have time to grieve and heal a little before worrying about work.

Do whatever gets you through the days. Enjoy the better moments and cry in the bad.

Xx

cleanmachine · 18/09/2014 09:03

Look after yourself. Allow yourself more time if that's what you need. I second the advice about getting someone to help you with the paperwork.

So sorry for your loss and for what your dh went through at the end.

Original poster
jchocchip · 18/09/2014 09:07

Sorry to hear about your Mum. The shock is terrible.
He hadn't been ill so it just came out of the blue. One day doing the usual things, work, tea, guides run, the next the ambulance having to be called, the resuscitation attempt, the police, the coroner to deal with.

Grief hits at unexpected times, just thinking - I'll tell him that later, or a letter arriving, or an email. It is so hard.

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Chimchar · 18/09/2014 09:11

And jchoc, the shock never really goes away. It gets easier though. I promise.

I'm five years down the line and I still miss my mum dreadfully, but it's not a constant pain like it was in the early days.

I know though losing your dh must be worse (although there is no such thing as competitive grief is there!) because guess he was your everything.

And having to continue to parent your kids at the same time and comfort them must be very difficult for you.

Be kind to yourself and let others look after you if you can. Xx

Original poster
jchocchip · 18/09/2014 09:11

xpost clean I am trying to look after myself, and gp says I have to go back to see him before going back to work. I just wish I knew how long it will be before I get straight, it feels like it is going to be a long time.

OP posts:
Original poster
jchocchip · 18/09/2014 09:18

xpost chimchar I lost my Dad just after our wedding. At that time I went back to work after the funeral and carried on. The grief hit me at a later date. Though my Dad had been ill and although his death was sudden it wasn't completely unexpected like this. As competitive grief (!) goes, this is up there. Dh was only 51 and me being widowed at 47 was so not in our plans.

OP posts:
Greenrememberedhills · 18/09/2014 09:23

Poor you, J.

I'm so sorry.

Staywithme · 18/09/2014 09:35

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. There is no limit to how long a person grieves and don't let anyone tell you any different. YOU will know when it's time to go back to work. I don't know what work you do, but nearer the time it might help to pop in now and again for a quick hello, that way people can see you speak to you and you don't have to go through it all in one go. I honestly think work is far down the line.

Original poster
jchocchip · 18/09/2014 09:44

The social bit of work is good, I'm just not up to the concentration needed in my job yet :( I will go in to meet a friend at lunchtime, we had arranged it when I was going to be at work, but I will make a special trip. She lost her husband a few years ago, so understands how it is.

OP posts:
Staywithme · 18/09/2014 17:49

It is a great help if someone can relate to what you're going through. I'm glad you're keeping in touch with work as it can help if you have something to hold on to.

Leakingwellies · 19/09/2014 09:08

I'm so sorry for your loss and I empathise with all you are going through. My husband died in March he was 44 and like you I was widowed at 47. Three kids married 22 years. He was my best friend and the love of my life. Still feels very unreal. My mum died five weeks ago so dealing with a double whammy.

Take things slowly. Forget about work and wait until you are feeling stronger before tackling any complaints. I am taking beta blockers and ads to get me through the days and they are a massive help. Not had counselling but not sure I need it. Got lots of support andpeople are happy to let me waffle on and bawl my eyes out on a regular basis.

Still reeling but coping and you will too x

bryte · 19/09/2014 09:15

I don't have any words of wisdom but want to pass on my condolences. I'm so sorry you lost your husband.