Finding it hard to cope

[bobbledog]

Hello,

I've not posted before, but I am really struggling today and am worried I'm losing it.

I lost my little boy, Nate, last September. He was 2 and 10 months. He was diagnosed with leukaemia in July and was responsing to treatment but caught a fungal infection which got to his brain and killed him.

My husband and I are devastated, along with our parents - Nate was our only child / grandchild.

In our grief, we got pregnant again - I'm 17 weeks now and we've had some issues with a high NT measurement and additional scans /tests - which was the same as Nate, although he had no issues when he was born. It just seems like I'm having to relive it all again with the new baby and it brings back so many memories of all the later times Nate was in hospital

Lately, the numbness I felt after his death seems to have worn off and I'm just left with excruciating pain. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself.

To conplete this 'perfect storm' I've just started a new job, (no choice, I was being made redundent from the previous one) where nobody except my immediate boss knows about Nate. I'm struggling to cope, as I'm so 'full' greiving for Nate and worrying about the baby , I have no room / energy left to think about anything else and the smallaest task just seems impossible.

I have good support from GP and a counsellor at the hospice where Nate died, but I'm really afraid of this darkness. It's a physical effort not to throw myself in front of the train or off the bridge on my commute. I'm at home today which seems a bit more manageable, but I do worry what work must think of me.

Anyway, sorry this is long, I wondered if anyone has had a simliar experience and has managed to get through it with some sort of sanity intact.

A

I am so so sorry for your loss. I wish I had some helpful advice but I'm sure someone will be along soon who will have. I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry you are going though this .

I am so sorry to hear about Nate's death, what happened sounds very rare which makes it all the more unfair really. There are some lovely people on this thread for bereaved parents. I think you should see the counsellor weekly during your pregnancy if poss, you will be very very anxious and you may be better off seeing the same specialised midwife every week during your pregnancy.

What was your NT measurement and what stage of tests / concerns are you at the moment? I wonder if it would be possible to work from home for a bit (I understand why you wouldn't want to get signed off in a new job etc.)

There will come a time when you feel you can get up and take a breath and laugh or read a book or watch TV, the pain will change.

Hi Bobble, so sorry to read your story we have a thread here for pregnant mums who have been through all sorts of trauma and don't feel like they fit into ante-natal threads.

Come on over if you feel like it x

Lots of love and good vibes to you hun x
Please give your counsellor a call and talk over your feelings. They are there for you as are all your family and friendsxx
Take care hunx

This sounds really hard - you have so much on.
Cutting down hours and then starting mat leave as early as possible worked a little for me, as well as really trying to compartmentalise things.
If you are feeling this low at times, your GP could sign you off, there should also be a midwife that should be providing support.. and an ante-natal emotional health service that you could be referred to?

Thanks for your messages.

I will try those other threads.

My counsellor is coming to see me today and I've spoken to my GP who said to self certify from work for the rest of the week and he'll see me on Monday to talk about what to do next. I'll ask him about extra care.

I feel better that I've done something, but still thiking a lot about nasty hospital things

Good work.....taking those small steps will now give you an immense amount of support when you really need it.
Well done as sometimes those tiny steps can seem like mountains ;) x

Hi that is great news. It might be an idea to organise someone to talk to every day to offload.

If you google "NCT helpline" there are some useful numbers - the shared experience helpline might be good. Also google "tommys pregnancy helpline".. at least there will be a sympathetic person just to vent to? Gets it off your chest, and frees up room in your brain to think about other stuff?