Mumsnet Talk

After a few years living abroad I'm looking forward to a family Christmas with my mother, grandfather, husband and 13-month old daughter (capsule family!)

My 98-year old grandfather has had a girlfriend for many years and is bringing her out in the open (she used to be a nanny to my uncle's kids).

But she's supernanny. Ex-Norland, spent most of her career fixing people's problems and is of the old-school 'rod for your back' mould.

Except we co-sleep. Continue to breastfeed on demand (and she charmingly shouts 'tit!' I don't have a pram. We do BLW and it's messy. I don't do praise/reward.

Now, I'm not a dogmatic person and I don't call myself an AP (although I do what they do) and avoid getting drawn into tedious arguments about why I do what I do. I've been diplomatic with my mother, who's constantly on my case about feeding to sleep and in general I just quietly get on with what we do.

But three days of meals, naps and sleeping is obviously going to bring all this in sharp relief and I'm dreading any possible argy bargy over it. I can picture it now

I've got an open mind and she might have some great advice. But when you've not slept anything like properly for more than a year and everyone seems to be on your case to do CC it's easy to get defensive. All I want to do is spend a nice time with my family, and we've had some tragedies over the years, and we've been abroad, so it's important to me.

I am lucky to be spending the time with family, so I'm not getting all bent out of shape about this, but yes, slightly apprehensive there will be awkward moments...

I suppose the only thing to do is if she offers advice tell her you like it the way it is - I know someone online who used to be a nanny and is of the old-school type (she was apparently offered the supernanny position but didn't want to be on TV) she has got a baby a similar age to my DS, she does make some irritating comments occasionally like how all her friends who breastfeed and refuse to do sleep training are the same ones moaning about broken nights - but when I have spoken to her about doing things like BLW or co-sleeping etc she's been very "Each to their own!" - I think it's just that sometimes if people know their way works they want to tell everyone about it, perhaps sometimes they find it hard to understand why you would want to co-sleep etc (as for a lot of people it's a last resort or temporary measure) but most people are reasonable and if you are confident in your parenting decisions and are prepared to stand your ground a bit at times you might find it's not as bad as you think. And make a mental note to try not to have a bit of a moan when she is around in case she sees it as an opportunity to give some advice!

'try not to have a bit of a moan when she is around in case she sees it as an opportunity to give some advice'

Great advice!

also, you don't know her - you know what she used to do - she herself may not be the dishing out advice/interfering type - she may be a lovely person.

Its only your mum so far that has proved an interfering old trout

I think you are being incredibly defensive about comments that are entirely in your own head.

You don't appear to have any good reason to think that this woman is going to be in any way interested in the way you are raising your child. You are letting your prejudices colour your opinion of someone you don't know.

If your grandfather is 98, how old is she - surely you can just say that things to do with childcare have evolved over the years and focus is now not on the parents lives being easier, but happy contented children

If she makes any comments, have a response prepared and just repeat it every time. It's called the broken record technique in assertiveness training. Just deal with it matter of factly, say your line and move on. Oh, and use the 'ignore, ignore, ignore' thing - don't go over what she's said in your head.

Something like 'it's very different when it's your own child' or 'thank you but we do it our way in our house' or whatever suits you. Practise it beforehand so it trips out without you having to make an effort or even think about it.

And remember - you are the expert on your baby. (I said this to my Mum once when she was interfering and it shut her up - which was a miracle!)

If you feel you are getting any criticism of your parenting, shrug your shoulders, smile and say 'well things change over the years'. If she keeps going on, say 'well, they used to advise people to wean babies at 3 months and now the advice is 6' and smile again.

If offered advice just say with a warm smile that this is your child, and you would like to bring her up your way. Tell your mum that she has had her go at being a parent and now it's your turn to make the decisions for your family.

just say " do you have your own children? Thought not!" and carry on with what you were doing

Not on topic I know but I have a lovely mental image of 98 year old man with much younger girlfriend. I know she's obviously not a young dolly bird but it's a great image - good on him.

When I get told that I'm making a rod for my own back I always just smile politely and say 'good thing she's not your baby then'. I cosleep and BF on demand my 13 mo DD too

Skidoodle. I do know her, from when she was my uncle's nanny. My grandfather's relationship with her soon after the death of my grandmother caused a rift between them. So I've not seen her for years. She is a very nice lady from what I remember when I was 14-15.

But she's 'heard' about our sleep issues and 'apparently wants to help'

And yes, good on him! I think she's heading on for her late seventies. And has two daughters of her own ...

I agree with skidoodle, don't condemn her before you meet her. She may well not comment at all. Don't be defensive in advance, because in all likelihood you may inadvertantly kick start a "discussion" you really wanted to avoid.

If she does start to criticise your methods then I think you have to be uber polite and say something along the lines of "obviously with your incredible experience you will understand that all children are different and respond to different types of parenting. This is how things work best for our dd".

ok adapt mine to 'are all children exactly the same? no? thought not'

oops, sorry, I did know you'd met her before, but I meant meet her this time. She may well have changed since you last saw her...

And helping with sleep issues could just be suggesting she takes your dd out for some fresh air and a walk to give you some rest, rather than shutting your dd in a dark room and forcing you to ignore her cries.

No point in worrying until it happens - just be ready with those phrases that politely say "butt out!".

For what its worth I did all the AP things, and at the time (well, we are still cosleeping and BF at 2.9, but it is easier now) it was so tiring and i did question myself a bit i feel like we are reaping the rewards now. Even my mum has said that she thinks that the way we parented in the early years has helped DS to become independent/confident etc, and all together a nice boy to be around, because he knows he is loved and his needs are always met.

And yes, I may be guilty of expecting the worse, so yes, I'll try to keep an open mind! Thanks.

And she's welcome to take my daughter off my hands for a few hours.

I suspect your problem is with the person who told her about your sleep "problems" and has communicated her supposed eagerness to help.

You knew as a teenager in her capacity as a nanny. This time she will be an (elderly?) guest of your family. Concentrate on ways of making her feel welcome.

I'm sure getting involved with family issues over childcare because of her expertise is not what she has in mind as a relaxing Christmas.

What's BLW?

Oh, I will really make her feel welcome and have extended my friendship via letters when we were in Singapore as I know she feels bad as her relationship caused a rift between my grandfather and his son. Whereas my mother and me were 'good on him for moving on'.

I hate confrontation and will be gracious and try to deflect the conversation elsewhere if it gets tense. And she may have great advice with other stuff.

Yes, I am cross with my mother I suppose. Very perspicacious.

deaddei BLW is Baby-Led Weaning -- basically self-feeding, no spoons or purees. Great way to wean, and child has full control over appetite, but is very messy.

My advice would be to smile winningly at all her suggestions, and say:

"That sounds great. We'll try that as soon as we get home. As we're in an unfamiliar place I don't want to confuse DD by changing everything for her all at once. But we'll definitely try it. Thanks!!"

Then ignore it all.

I had to deal with the same thing when I went to MIL's last Christmas. At first I tried to explain/argue my parenting style, which only led to "my way's better" ; "no, my way's better" style of arguments. Finally I learnt to just smile and nod, say "yes, yes, I see what you mean" and go ahead doing my own thing.

Be confident and don't get dragged into confrontations. Have a good Christmas