To want to cut my mum ot of my life, but how can I when I love my dad to pieces?

[twinklingfairy]

To cut a long story short, mum asked DH to negotiate in the sale or her (now wrecked, thanks to bro, who ran it into the ground) car.
She and Dad told me whatthey wanted him to negotiate to, which was not much more than they had been offered. They said they didn't care.
As soon as he did it and got £50 more than they had initially been offered, she kicked off that ist was too little. I managed to talk her round and she was ok when I left her last night.
This am I called dad about something else. Next thing he is kicking of that DH got too little. I tried to talk to him and it ended in him telling me to 'get lost' and hanging up.
10mins later, mum is on the phone telling me to forget it DH has 'let them down in the past' so whatever.
Um, excuse me, ha has what? When?
'oh I don't want to get into specifics, he just has'
I got upset and said she couldn't say that. She said that I said it first, everytime I turn to her when DH and I argue, so why shouldn't she?
We basically hung up on one another.

half an hour later and Dad appears at my house, full of remorse for our argument.
We made up, but mum refused to enter my house.

I went to her at the car to ask her to forget any nastiness that had been said on both parts.
She flew off the handle, telling me I had no right to criticise her and that she had every right to say what she did.

God this is not a short story.
Suffice to say, I tried twice to smooth things over but she was having none of it.
I said the ball is in your court if you want to hold onto your anger.
She told me I needn't come to her anymore with my probs with DH, I said she was burning her bridges, thats when she said what I said in my previous post.

I am just so fed up with her nastiness recently.
It has been going on since DS birthday(Halloween) when she caused a massive argument between me and my sis.
She has just been so nasty to me
But no-one is ever to tell her that she is wrong, nor will she apologise.
But I will be expected to.

Poor dad though, was broken hearted by the whole thing.

[giraffesCannaeFlingPieces]

I have cut my Mum out - she is still married to my Dad. It is hideously complicated, but I had to do it for me. I am not sure he understands but he has finally stopped asking me to speak to her. I get on very well with him. I have explained my reasons to him but he sees things in black and white and he wasn't around at the height of her bitchness nor understands the impact shes had on me.

It was the riht decision for me, but not a quick fix as I am sad for the relationship we never had.

[twinklingfairy]

My mum and I have had a brilliant relationship for years.
It all seemed to go a bit wrong when DS, my second LO, arrived.
He was hard worked (early and had undetected hernias, until 6 weeks) very clingy to me, still is now at 1yr.
DD is her, obvious, favourite.
I did things differently and more confidently with him too, co-sleeping, lots of cuddles.
With DD I relied on her heavily.

She likes to be in control and cos she hasn't had it with this one, criticised me a lot.
Generally does TBH

She snorts in my general direction a lot. I think it is meant to be a jokey 'we love you even if you are silly' kind of a snort.
But since DS has come along, it seems to be more of a 'we love you but you are a bit dim' kind of a snort.
Which just means that I am treated with zero respect basically.
I have had enough but, as I say, no-one can tell her that she is wrong.
'She is your mother. Speak to her with respect'
And that is no matter what bile spews forth.
I will still have to apologise!!

[lou031205]

I feel really sad when I read these sorts of posts. These are the women who gave birth to you and raised you to adulthood. Life is so short.

[twinklingfairy]

I agree.
I don't really want to, but when there is no talking to her and all she does is treat me like a fool, how much should a person take?

The worst is that I would say that I was a bit of a favorite.
I have 2 older bros and a lil sis.
She likes me to be around when lil sis is about cos they don't have such a good relationship.
But then the pair of them join together to snort at me.

But it is getting to the point that she knows that I am so easy going she can take her frustration out on me without question or remorse.

But when she begins to attack DH??
It's gotta stop somewhere!

[fernie3]

Are you serious? you want to stop seeing your mum because of a little arguement? I would read your post back to see how ridiculous it all sounds.
Argue with her yes but dont do anything you cant go back on when you have calmed down.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Twinkling - no need to cut her out of your life just yet. You don't seem to have endured years of problems. Do not phone her or contact her for a while. If she calls you leave your phone on voicemail. Have a break and calm down. You may have to face the possibility of sitting down with her and having a long serious chat about how she is making you feel. It sounds like you need to grow up a little and loosen the apron strings and stand on your own two feet a bit more.

[Ronaldinhio]

husbands come and go

you get one mother

from what you've said nothing your mother has done sounds out of the realms of a normal family relationship

just becasue you married your dh doesn't mean she has to like or respect him...often mothers have a hard time with dh as they hear all the bad stuff and they never thought he'd be good enough anyway

i do this now
I imagine that one of my daughters, rightly or wrongly, feels aggrieved enough to "cut me out of her life" imagine how that would feel from one of your children
I then ignore any madness my mother throws my way and vice versa (except for the truly extreme stuff when I wait until I'm calm and address directly)

[giraffesCannaeFlingPieces]

I assumed there was a huge history to this. If not then ignore my post. My situation is different my mother is not a mother she is a poisonous toad.

[yappy]

makes me really sad too Lou, I'd give anything to spend just one more day with my mum

[perfectstorm]

My mother still puts her hand in front of me when I cross the road. I once counted how many times she corrected my pram pushing technique - 12, in half a mile. I'm a 35 year old Cambridge graduate. I am not thick. But to her, I'll always be that baby she gave birth to. She loves DH but doesn't believe him good enough... and do you always turn to her when things are bad, and not when they're good, so her impression is skewed? It's very easy to do.

She sounds a bit domineering, but hardly toxic on the info here. Maybe you could be a bit more assertive with her - not aggressive, just standing your ground calmly - point out that ideas on child rearing have changed, buy her a copy of "Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes A Baby's Brain"" (not saying it can't be criticised on scientific grounds, but she probably won't know enough to know that, and it 100% supports your own methods, citing science to do it) and say you hope she will be open minded enough to read it, so she can appreciate what you think is right?

Just seems such a shame to really fall out over this when you've 2 tiny ones and are tired and probably rather sensitive, if you're anything like me. She is being a pain, but a loving pain. You may want to avoid telling her when you argue with DH, though - maybe friends or other family for that role.

[yappy]

my mum used to put her hand in front of me if she braked hard in her car (she was of the age before complulsory seat belts!) and I think the trick is to find these things endearing rather than controlling, pick and choose what you share with her if she gets too involved, and learn the situations that end in tears. I never experienced what you describe with my lovely mum, she was truly my best friend and I miss her terribly.

Now my dad is a different kettle of fish and I don't involve him in my decisions, because he gets cross if I don't follow his advice. It's just life really - different people handle things differently.

[Sakura]

All those people who have said "Life is too short to cut her out of your life", all I can say is that you must have a really warped view of human nature if you think a woman would consider cutting her mother out of her life without having experienced a tremendous amount of suffering and pain due to the relationship.
We do not know the whole story behind the OP. It may be that this is a one off, and if so, then of course she shouldn't cut her mother out of her life. Duh
However if the OP is talking along these lines, then its probably safe to say she has reaching the end of her tether.

YOu are all right about life being too short, which is exactly the reason I did cut my mother out of my life. Almost overnight my chronic clinical depression, that I had suffered since a teenager (cutting, alcohol dependency) cleared up. My physical signs of stress, such as headaches and Irritable bowel syndrome dissappeared. So yes, life is too short to have people treat you like shit on a regular basis. I have now found peace and am able to raise my DCs in a calm home without her crises and constant chaos upon which she thrives.

OP, only you can decide whether to end the relationship with your mother, but do not base your decision on what other people think of you. It was worrying about what others thought that kept me held locked in my mother's abuse for so long.
I truly hope for your sake that the relationship is worth salvaging. Your mother sounds like a control freak, and hard work, TBH. She has to start respecting you as a person for the relationship to go forward. You can try to limit contact if she won't do so, but if she is a typical abuser then she may get worse when you try to stand up to her.

As I said before, she may not be abusive; she may just be "going through a bad patch". ONly you know which it is. But something tells me there is more to this story than meets the eye if you are contemplating cutting ties with her.

[twinklingfairy]

Thank you everyone.
I can see, on a good nights rest, that it is a silly little argument, but one of so many I am tired of it.
She, I would not say, is an abuser, but she is domineering and controlling.
I desperately want to get out of that cycle but, I guess, I am frightened.
She is tremedously difficult to talk to if she thinks you are telling he she is in the wrong.
Dad said as much yesterday '30 years, Twink, and she does not apologise'

I have no idea how I could go about sitting her down and explain how she has been making me feel for this past year without her interuppting to disect and defend everything that I come out with.
It just seems easier to steer slear than to have to either go through that, or swallow it all and play nice when it will eat me up inside.
Help!!

[diddl]

Why were you selling their car?

Sorry, but your dad sounds as bad!

They were both moaning about the money?

Let them sort their own things out & don´t say anything bad about your husband to either of them.

[alypaly]

id give anything to have my mum back for one more day too. I lost her almost 2 years ago and i still havent got over it. I still have my self indulgent moments where i read the birthday cards and xmas cards and end up sobbing all day...she was my best friend,des[ite our normal differences.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Sakura before you go ranting at the people who are trying to help the op, why don't you try reading the thread properly duh. OP says as plain as the nose on your face:

"My mum and I have had a brilliant relationship for years.
It all seemed to go a bit wrong when DS, my second LO, arrived.
He was hard worked (early and had undetected hernias, until 6 weeks) very clingy to me, still is now at 1yr".

So, things have been a bit tricky between her mum and op for 1 year. Did you get that? 1 year. She really does not sound as if she has "endured a tremendous amount of pain and suffering" fgs.

OP is not you, op's mother is not your mother, take a bit more care before you launch into a snidey attack on your fellow Mumsnetters why don't you?

[Miggsie]

Twink, your mum sounds very controlling, but ok if she gets her own way.
What has set this off is since the birth of DS things have not gone her way, I suspect she gets less time with him than she did with DD and, if she is a controller, this will frighten her as she will feel there is a family member she cannot dominate.

If, in 30 years, she has never apologised to anyone I would see that as a sign she is extremely controlling and possibly has one of those disorders where the person cannot acknowledge anyone else's point of view.

My granny was like this, sweet as pie as long as you toed the line but if you tried to act independently of her she would spit poison at you.

I would read up on emotional abuse, narcissistic personality disorder and toxic parents. Then you can work out if your mum is a bit of a pain at the moment, or may have some underlying problem that, only now, is surfacing due to your growing independence.

With a bit more information you can view the situation in perspective. Right now you are simmering with resentment and this is not a good frame of mind to make major decisions in.

[ln1981]

Like others have said only you can decide what is best for your relationship with your mum. sometimes its the little things that finally make you snap, so what is petty for one may be a big deal for another.
my mum too likes to get her own way, she cant stand the fact that my dad would do anything for us even if that makes him unpopular with her. she will bitch about me or my brother behind our backs to the other one!! She must think that we never tell each other anything she tells us. (she has said some really nasty things about me in her time too) For now I put up with it, maybe in time i will tell her where to go but for the sake of my kids i keep the peace, as they shouldnt be affected by how i feel. or maybe one day she will surprise us all and realise that she has been acting like a donut!

[twinklingfairy]

You are right miggsie she has had far less time with DS than DD.
Every time DS would go to her/was given to her he would scream and cry till he got back to me.
She would hand him over with disgust at his clingyness for me.
She has no bond with him now.
Though she is happier now he smiles at her.

As she handed him over she would tell me I was doing wrong by letting him get so clingy. This was the co sleeping, this was cos I picked him up at every whim.

I so regret (though I was not to know) the first 6 weeks of his life where I did let him alone when he cried so much (obviously never for too long, but I should have slung him in a sling instead of putting him down at all. He needed me!), when it turns out he was not just a shouty baby, he was one who was in a great deal of pain.
And yet, I was doing it because it had been her advice with DD, for DD it worked well.
From that point I would smile at mum and then go ahead and deal with my son however I felt best.
Enduring the constant getting at over his clingyness and how I was the cause.

bibbity I have to say, I thought sakuras response was a good rounded response. It helped me to see that things could be so much worse, but that there are issues that need to be dealt with before I cut those ties.

To say that I needed to grow up and cut the ties.
I am trying!
That is where my issues are beginning.
She doesn't like that I am doing it and is trying to pull them tighter, I feel. By undermining my confidence in my own decisions in order that I turn to her for my answers, IYSWIM.

[Longtalljosie]

Can I ask if you have been telling your Mum a lot about your problems / niggles with your DH? That might be something to knock on the head, if so...

[twinklingfairy]

Too bleedin right I need to knock it on the head.
And I have.
Last time I had a proper big row my my DH I let off steam to my sis, who was fab, and I told her not to say anything to my mum or, if she felt she had to, just tell her it was a wee niggly argument that we had had.

For months now I have only told my mum good stuff and I make a point of telling her lots of it.
Cos I realised that she was only getting the bad.

Now she is using it against me before I have really had time to make amends.

It was a mistake years and years ago that DH made, in calling my mum.
At the time I was on a contraceptive pill that made me loony and he felt he had no-where else to turn.
She helped heaps, but then we began to rely on it.
Now she has the power, she likes it and I am paying for it.
It will take time to undo that particular mistake.

[perfectstorm]

Have you thought about writing to her - very calmly, setting out how you feel? She can't interrupt or sneer at you in a letter, and you can also stress how sad you are at the way things are and how difficult it must be for everyone involved. I do strongly feel that, while you have every right to insist she treats you with more respect as your children's mother, a previously loving and excellent relationship would be a dreadful loss.

I don't know that there's any magic answers, but perhaps some assertiveness training might help you deal with her? "I'm sorry you feel that way, it must be very frustrating" "I'll think about that," and a MN gem, "that was very rude. Did you mean it to be?" stand me in better stead with people like this now. It's hard though, isn't it.

Sakura I'm afraid I also thought you were projecting somewhat. OP had a warm and loving relationship with her mother, but just sounds very worn down and fed up by fairly normal (if exasperating!) maternal interference. Surely trying to find some way through that is best? If a parent isn't abusive and is loving then trying to work with anoying character traits is surely the best option. My mother has no contact with her own toxic mother, and I supported her in reaching that decision. I'm aware that in some cases that is absolutely for the best, but there's nothing OP has posted that looks as if they are or should be at that point.

[twinklingfairy]

Oh I love that one " That was very rude. Did you mean to be?"
I could say that to sis on many an occasion, when she speaks without thinking. Most often she did not mean to be and is full of sorries, poor thing

Yes, I did think about a letter, last night.
I just would not know where to begin! Without her feeling it was a written character assasination.

[2rebecca]

I would just see less of them for a while. I agree that your dad was unnecessarily whiny about the car money and if I were your husband I'd leave them to do it themselves next time, it's not clear why they didn't just do it themselves this time as they sound able bodied to be continually popping round your house.
People on mumsnet who want to cut off relatives always seem to live in their relative's pocket. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. just cut down how often you see them and cut down the visits. I get on great with my relatives and suspect the large distances between us is part of that as we don't get overinvolved in the trivia of each others lives.
I probably wouldn't do a letter but would just contact them less, and when you do see your mum not tolerate any nonsense.

[diddl]

I agree 2rebecca about the living in each others pockets.

OPm do your parents live close by & pop in when they feel like it without checking/asking first?