Mumsnet Talk

Long story but basically out of the blue I had court summonds a few weeks ago, and went to court yesterday. My ex-H wanted a contact order even though for the two years that we have been apart he has had unlimited access! He threw his toys out of the pram as I decided she was too young (2.5) to go away for a week with him.
Anyway.... I offered more than he was asking for in court, the judge said I was being more than ameanable (sp?) and was very impressed with me. He got totally dressed down.
So...I said we could start the midweek contact today, but this morning my DD threw up and has been unwell, so I text him and said maybe tonight needs to be postponed. By this afternoon, she had had a sleep and had perked up, so I text back and said actually it can be back on if you want. When he picked her up, he was so fucking ARROGANT, smirked about how he had 'won', and said that in future if Im going to breach the order he wants to come round and check she is ill as 'you never know as there is nothing wrong with her'.
Fucking arrogant nasty prick, how about 'thanks for being sensible and not making cort difficult, thanks for bringing our daughter up, thanks for paying for everything etc etc'.
I do nothing but make decisions on my dd's behalf and be an adult, he plasters all over facebook that he has won. I didnt even realise it was a fucking competition.
Rant over (but still v.upset and full of hate )

He sounds like a humungous arse and facebook is evil don't look anymore.

What an arse At least you're acting like a grown up for your daughter.

Does she stay overnight with him? I think that would be acceptable. And it might be quite nice for you once you got used to it!

He does sound like an arse though!

I dont go on facebook, I hate it and its used for stupid prats to brag about how great they are (in our age group unfort- ex is 21 and acts 10 years younger)
I got told from a friend. Ive now told her that I dont wish to be told anything else!But I want him to realise that he is a prick, or decorate the front of a bus. I could live with either.

I wouldn't plan on him realising he is one. Still we all think he is one so that is a plus

Lipstick, yep she used to do sat-sun (24 hours), but I suggested in court Sat morn-Mon morn and he had to fucking umm and arr over it! Judge looked at him like he was crazy when he eventually came out with 'oh I only wanted the weekend'
Its going to hurt so much having her away from me for 2 nights, Im a soppy cow who will cry myself to sleep for the first few months.

Too many people think of custody/access issues as a competition rather than focussing on what is best for the child.

He is a complete arse and has no idea how lucky he is - I wish my DP's ex was as reasonable as you!

How sad that he doesn't think in terms of spending some lovely quality time with his DD but of how he has "won" or got one over on you. It's as though she isn't the important one in all this which of course she is.

Don't worry though - my own Dad is a bit like this. I thought the sun shone out of his arse at times when I was younger (which must have been hard for my Mum) but now I am an adult I can see him for what he really is, and that's thanks in part to my mum for being lovely and normal about everything and refusing to get involved in his mind games.

I think Im pissed off that he left me and he STILL thinks Im heartbroken, I could have made his life so difficult, but he thinks it nothing to do with me, its his power and solicitor that got this result. And it hurts that my dd worships him (through me bigging him up to make her happy), and doesnt seem bothered by her stepdad who she calls daddy. Im so miserable as it feels like no-one recognises that Im making her happy.

Just be soooo soooo glad he is an ex, and every time he carries on like this just tell yourself that he is proving this more and more......

I'd suggest that you stopped bigging him up to her. If it's not really true, it will just confuse her in the end because she'll see what kind of a man he is.

He's not a good father if he's using her as a pawn in a war against you.

Let me give you a hug monkeyfacegrace <Big hug>

You are not being unreasonable. He is acting like a big, arrogant, sod. I'm sorry you have to deal with an idiot like this.

Try to ignore him. As someone once said to me, stop letting your ex think they're so important. It only makes their ego ten times bigger. Don't let him see you're angry. Ignore the jibes. When he tries to provoke you, DON'T rise to it at any cost. Bite your lip. Keep your voice level. Ignore any stupid texts.

He's trying to get back at you by winding you up emotionally. How dare he use access to your DD as some part of a power competition

Haha good point fanjo, my partner is 100 times the man he is and Im so happy now. But that doesnt stop a teeny weeny bit of me wanting him to be lonely and miserable!

Aww thanks Winter, I need a hug! I dont even have his number, all contact is done through my other half. (when I said I text him in my OP I meant my oh text him but didnt wanna make it too comlicated!) My OH does the handover every other weekend, so court was the first time I have seen him for ages (and my god he has got huggeeee!) [smug emoticon]
I only get mad/angry/upset in private!

give your nice and FAR FAR superior * 10000000 an extra big hug later!

that should have said partner, obviously

Your dd will appreciate one day ( er, it may be a loong way off!) that you are the one who is making her life a pleasant and happy experience. She will wisen up to his game playing.

He is lucky you are being so reasonable. And you are lucky you are not still with him!

Well I was brave and answered the door when he dropped her back. But she just ran in the house happily, shouted bye at him and slammed the door in his face! I was secretly pleased .

Well he must be doing something right with her if she is happy to go with him and seems happy on her return. Let's hope he actually remains involved in her life - my dniece has no such luck, her dad forgets to send her a birthday card every year and then he pretends it must have got lost in the post.

It must be very hard to have to share your dd with such a twunt, but you are doing the right thing for her imo.

well done you for being soo mature because it is so easy when faced with such prickism to retaliate.

ive been to court over access and it is the most stressful thing i have been through in my life.

your daughter will realise in time what a tosser her dad is, maybe not today or tomorrow but when she's older. in the meantime, dont do him any favours. dont big him up or bend over backwards to please him. id your dd is sick tell him, you dont have to prove it and if he wants you to then he can go back to court and tell the judge. the judge will laugh him out of court.

stick to what has been agreed in court, no more no less. he doesnt deserve anything else.

keep your chin up, you have the higher moral ground

Lipstick, yep he does something right, he feeds her all the junk she isnt allowed at home! Everytime he picks her up he is waving a full sized choc bar in her direction. Its sad really, almost as if he doesnt know how else to make her happy.
I dont 'big him up' as such, just tell her all the time how lucky she is that everyone loves her, and I get her all excited when I see his car pull up. And we talk about him a lot, I ask her who lives there, ask her about her beroom etc,just to make her feel comfortble that its ok to like being with him.
I just pissed off that he dare ask to check whether she is ill or not! Now Ive calmed down Im almost contemplating saving her vomit in a little bag and posting it to hi
Thanks for allowing me to let off steam, I feel much better.

love the vonit idea, you should actually do that next time she is sick.

Why did you offer more than he was asking?

Because I didnt think that what he was asking for was in my dds best interest. He wanted every other weekend and 1 weeks hol year. I didnt think twice a month was enough to make her comfy with the holiday so offered alternate Thurs tea times to make it more regular iyswim?