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to want to kill a defenseless woodland animal?

(65 Posts)
YanknCock Sat 16-May-09 06:43:28

Stupid bastard fucking squirrel.

Two days ago, I hired a handyman to seal up the hole at the side of our house where the little shit was living.

Squirrel cannot take a hint. He is hanging off the roof, chewing on the wood trim, trying to reopen his door. Have been out there numerous times yesterday, and three times already this morning to try to scare him off. There are little shards of wood all over the ground.

The squirrel is getting progressively more bold and threatening, making hissing noises at me when I go out there.

I really hope the neighbours weren't awake to see me, in my dressing gown and a pair of DH's trainers, raising a finger to my roof and saying 'GO AWAY! FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE TO LIVE!'

I have never wanted to kill an animal, until this morning. Am sooooo tired. Waking up early makes my morning sickness worse.

So AIBU? Have I missed out some 'humane' way of getting the squirrel to fuck off? Does anyone know a hitman in the Northwest?

BouncingTurtle Sat 16-May-09 07:15:33

I feel your pain. When I was 16 and about to sit my GCSEs a pair of greenfinches decided to nest above my bedroom window. The little fuckers used to wake me up at 3-4am with their cheeping.
I wished all sorts of unsavoury fates on them.
In the end we had to wait until the chicks had all flown the nest, then we went up and destroyed it.

Would you like to borrow my cat? Little git is in my bad books for nearly killing a blackbird, luckily it escaped!

cornsilk Sat 16-May-09 07:44:01

Squirt it with the hosepipe.

pooka Sat 16-May-09 07:47:53

Are you sure that it doesn't have baby squirrels - would explain the hissing and the desperation to get in to the kittens (or if male, is trying to get into Mrs Squirrel and babies)? Or maybe it's pregnant and it's nest for the impending confinement was in your roof?

[disclaimer: I know nothing of the mating season of the squirrel]

JollyPirate Sat 16-May-09 07:53:33

Squirrels can be a nightmare. I used to feed them at our previous house until a couple (or may only have been one but sounded more) decided to take up residence in the loft above the kitchen - the noise was unbelievable.

Took months before they left and can't remember even why they did go. Perhaps because I stopped feeding them.

JollyPirate Sat 16-May-09 07:59:07
YanknCock Sat 16-May-09 08:36:19

Pooka, I did wonder about baby squirrels, but really doubt it. The handyman brought his jack russell terrier into the loft with him to scare them out, sawed through the plasterboard and plywood to have a look, couldn't see any nest or anything. The plan was, if I heard any further scrabbling/scratching in the loft, we'd get a humane trap to put up there in case of a trapped squirrel. But all the current noise is definitely coming from the outside.

cornsilk, our hosepipe is unfortunately not powerful enough to reach up to the peak of the roof, so I think the plan now is to find a toy store, get a super-soaker water gun, and fill it with pregnant lady urine (or something offensive to squirrels, whatever that might be).

Tried to go back to sleep, but haven't been able to. Between DH and I, been back out to shout at squirrel 6 more times.

DH is ill and quite exhausted. So much so, he mumbled sleepily 'Do squirrels lay eggs? We could steal its eggs'. The man has two science degrees, he is clearly not well. hmm

PuppyMonkey Sat 16-May-09 08:39:39

grin at your dh.

Can you tempt it somewhere else - further away from your house - with some nice food or something?

YanknCock Sat 16-May-09 08:43:56

BouncingTurtle, thanks for the offer of your cat. The squirrel accesses the roof/his door by jumping off the outer branches of a nearby tree, and those probably wouldn't support a cat's weight. Am still making nice with a local cat just in case!

Tree probably should be cut down anyway, survey said it was too close to the house.

Very glad the Google car didn't choose this morning to photograph our road!

RumourOfAHurricane Sat 16-May-09 10:50:33

Message withdrawn

Oh,don't get a humane trap-you will have to kill the squirrel if you catch it.It is illegal to release grey squirrels into the wild,so if the trap doesn't kill it,you will have to.You can't just let it go elsewhere.

Do you know anyone who has an air rifle & is a good shot?

tattifer Sat 16-May-09 11:02:08

YANBU I spent hundreds last year trying to squirrel proof the wooden bit all around the roofline.

And then there's the holes in the cob...

YANBU about wanting to kill the squirrel - My FIL is a calm, kind and compassionate man, but the mere mention of the S word is enough to get the steam coming out his ears. Have no advice to give, but just wanted to say I am seriously impressed with your aiming ability if you are able to fill a water pistol with wee...

YanknCock Sat 16-May-09 11:18:41

We are back from Argos, armed with this!

A mere water pistol wouldn't have worked, as we need more range to reach up to the top of the house. This one supposedly goes 30 feet, and on testing it does make it up to the peak of the roof. It also has a two inch wide opening for the tank, so if I do find out pregnant lady urine has squirrel-repellant properties, it will be easier to wee in than those tubes they give you at the antenatal clinic. grin

Plan now is to give him a good soaking a few times, and if he continues to come back for more, I've got cayenne pepper to mix in and coat the wood for a little surprise next time he has a gnaw. <<rubs hands together, laughs maniacally>>

abraid Sat 16-May-09 11:25:54

Grey squirrels are not defenceless--they have almost wiped out the reds, who really are sweet and, more importantly, native.

I'd get someone to shoot it.

Makeda Sat 16-May-09 11:59:32

Yank I have images of you looking like Elmer Fudd with super soaker!

Abraid, according to JollyPirate's link above grey squirrels aren't the main reason for the decline in red ones - it's deforestation and the fact that the UK is on the edge of their preferred climate. Grey squirrels are more adaptable. (Have no idea if that's 100% true, just quoting. I thought they had wiped them out too ).

I know if you want to feed birds but dissuade squirrels you have to put chilli on things, because birds doin't have the receptors that let us (and squirrels) feel the heat of chilli.

RustyBear Sat 16-May-09 12:15:41

Apparently the grey squirrels are now in danger of being pushed out themselves by black squirrels - which are genetic mutations of greys with higher levels of melanin and testosterone - apparently they are both more aggressive and more attractive to the grey females.

In a few years you might be looking back with nostalgia on your current pest.....

frazzledgirl Sat 16-May-09 12:17:53

YANBU, because I am currently entertaining murderous fantasies of what I'd like to do to the bastard fox tribe next door who keep me up all night.

Have bought a water cannon myself, and am planning to douse next door (it's been empty for a couple of years) with a mixture of Jeye's Fluid and chilli powder.

Unless anyone can think of anything more noxious/effective?

YanknCock Sat 16-May-09 12:27:19

'Yank I have images of you looking like Elmer Fudd with super soaker!'

Be vewy, vewy quiet! I'm hunting skwirrels!

I think I'm bigger than Elmer (6 months pg), but not as bald. Must look ridiculous though, 30-something preggo, creeping around the side of the house with a giant plastic weapon.

Local lad (aged about 9) helpfully suggested a 'machine gun'. I said I didn't think they'd let us buy one of those. 'Oh no' he said, 'you'd have to get a licence first'.

Makeda Sat 16-May-09 12:44:11

Slightly off-topic, but related, my Grannie had problems with squirrels stealing off her wooden bird table and scaring off the birds, so she bought a metal one, but they still managed to climb up. So she covered the pole with vaseline and then used to sit with a cup of tea watching the squirrels run up the pole and then slide back down! grin

Not sure that machine-gunning the roof of your own house is the right way to go, though I can imagine at 6am it would be quite satisfying

thumbwitch Sat 16-May-09 12:49:47

squirrels = rats with big furry tails.

Vermin pests in the UK; if you find an injured one and take it in to fix it, you then are not asupposed to be allowed to release it back into the wild.

I too feel your pain (and yours BouncingTurtle) - I have nesting sparrows in my eaves (although they haven't been too bad this year) and because they are now on amber alert for species threat, I feel duty bound to allow them to stay there, despite the irritating scritchin and cheeping.

YanknCock Sat 16-May-09 14:07:05

Squirrel has had his first soaking!

DH snuck out quietly to check he was there, came back for the Super Soaker. He pumped up the water pressure, we both crept out, and DH jumped around the side of the house and got the little bastard!

Squirrel jumped to the tree for cover, and DH handed the weapon over as I could see where squirrel was (DH a bit colour blind). Kept shooting up into the tree, but ran out of ammo so had to run back to the kitchen to refill. As I came out the back door, DH shouted 'he's on the fence!' so letting out a war whoop, I ran over and started shooting as Mr Squirrel made his escape.

DH said it was like something out of Saving Private Ryan. He is calling me his 'little commando'. grin

He is only slightly disappointed that I didn't use the water cannon feature--instead of a long stream, it shoots a drenching flood at short range. Had I had the presence of mind to pull the other trigger, I was close enough to have hit the squirrel. Poo.

We have now filled up the 4 litre backpack attachment that came free with the gun. Waiting to see if he dares to return.

cornsilk Sat 16-May-09 14:50:36

PMSL at water gun commandos. Have you got any water balloon grenades as further back up?

Kimi Sat 16-May-09 15:44:43

I would have no problem killing it, how about some food left down with rat bait in it?

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