To want my dh and his family out of my life forever!!!!!!

[thisfornow]

Ok, considered no name change but I am furious at the moment so scared of saying something I'll regret.

Dh and I split last year due to his depression and deciding he didn't like his life anymore.

(married 10+ years and previously fantastic husband)

at the time of our split his parents also split up (mum having an affair). and whilst this had no impact on our problems at the time, it's impacting his current decisions and state of mind.

his mum is living with the bloke she's having an affair with, playing both men off against each other, booking holidays with both men and lying about 'work trips'.
and to top it all, tells my dh everything and asks him to lie for her.

dh is living with his dad. who goes from suicidal to just uncontrollably upset.

last month or so, dh and i were getting on better than ever. even talking of getting back together.

but he's said this weekend that the pressures of his family situation and his depression mean he can't 'give me what i want' and me and dc will be better off without him!
(what planet is he on - we love him to bits and are all truly happy when we're together - but we're better off without him - WTF?!!)

i feel like killing his parents. i hate his mum for the lies and deciet and continuous upset.

am i better off getting the whole lot of them out of my life forever?
(obviously not completely possible due to dc)

or should i persevere with dh? keep giving him my love and support whilst getting nothing in return, in the hope he'll realise he wants us again one day??

(thanks if you've got this far!)

God your dh's mum has gone into selfish bitch overdrive ,hasn't she? I feel very sorry for your dh it must be awful to have your dad suicidal due to your mums behaviour.
Ok I know you are not getting much in return but your love for your dh is obvious and perhaps cutting him out of your life would be a bit harsh on yourself and the dc's. Could you not support him at a distance. Let you and your dc's be his sanctuary whilst he supports his dad. This situation cannot go on forever and perhaps playing the long game may be the wisest thing to do.
Could you give him some space but be there for him at the same time or would that be too painful for you?

Has he had any counselling for his depression?

Could your dh find his own flat/bedsit and get a bit of space from his parents?

What about some form of counselling for him so he can see he's not responsible for his parents' problems? Or indeed, both of you could go to Relate?

god this sounds like a strain for you.

sorry to be devil's advocate but could it be that your dh's dad also has depression - before your mil left I mean? living with a depressive all your life is HARD work - is his mum just busting out all over after a few too many decades of it?

It sounds like you would regret not carrying on trying for a bit. Saying 'better off without me' is CLASSIC depressive thinking and now he has lots more to be depressed about, having been silly enough to leave you. i'm sure he really hates himself at the moment and it's such a complete pain to be around.

Maybe give yourself a break for a few days, then back to the fray again? You must be exhausted. Could anyone in your family (or your dh, come to that) take over for a day or two so you can just kick back for a bit?

I'm trying hard to support him, but give him his space. But it's killing me as I want more from him.

But I suppose you're right. I do think if I truly love him, can I find it in myself to keep being there for him whilst this situation is at it's worst.

But there comes a point when I start to think - what about me? Don't I deserve to be happy and have a dh who loves me and makes me feel happy.

Yes MIL is selfish bitch. Definitely. She's told dh's dad that she will come back - she just doesn't know when?!!!! WTF!!!

And yes he's had some counselling. But he says it didn't really help him and he finds it easier talking to me than a counsellor

But then has started saying this weekend that he can't keep doing this to me and we'd be better off without him

Own flat/bedsit for dh I think would be a great idea. He says he needs space and I think he should get some.

But he's scared of leaving his dad. And scared that once he gets his own place, our relationship is definitely over. IYSWIM.

don't give up if there is still love there! for better for worse! If you can get through the tough stuff just think how strong you'll be for the rest that life will throw you?
my parents split up when I was 5 and I wish they'd tried a little harder for my sake anyway. Maybe we'd have been badly off if they'd stayed together and worked through it - but to be honest - I don't think it could have been worse than it was.
No disrespect intended to anyone who splits up. But it has to be worth as many attempts as possible to see if there's hope. Particularly if there is love on both sides!
The in laws are exacerbating the problem but couples have got through worse than this - if you stand by him maybe much more is possible than you can imagine. Life is easier approached with company! I watched my poor mother bring up four of us on her own - it wasn't a happy sight!

What about this -

Help dh get his own place - nearish to you and kids with, say, a 6 month lease.

Agree that he won't contact parents for a certain time - a month or longer?

Spend more time with you and the kids - perhaps even agree times and days if he's scared of leaving his dad.

Go to Relate or similar or GP.

Appointment with careers advisor if he needs to change direction at work.

Re-assess your family situation in 4 months.

AngharadGoldenhand you're right - i think i can clearly see already that he needs his own place. Perhaps time away from his parents situation, and seeing what life is like 24 hours a day living on his own and away from me and dc, may help him to start deciding what he wants.

ipanemagirl i 100% agree that you should give relationships everything you have and for better or worse, if there's love on both sides, it HAS to be worth trying for.

it's just breaking my heart. and i feel extra frustrated because his damn parents are making things so much harder.

all the best thisfornow... I speak from my own experience. But we don't often talk in our society how important it is to show our children that we can commit and persist no matter what with our commitments. Really be examples to them of overcoming difficulties and not giving up! I have very little respect for my father now. He just gave up on almost everything in his life that didn't come easy. (Not comparing anyone else with him - it's just that's the truth of it!)
Then maybe when our children have marital strife we can say: Look you can't give up! This is where the great marriages are built - in getting through what seems impossible!
Forgive the rant! It's a subject close to my heart!

completely agree ipanemagirl. subject close to my heart too.

what scares me is the message dh's mum is giving him. do whatever you want, f** around with other people's lives, but keep your oh on a string telling them you'll come back 'one day' - just, be selfish, do whatever you feel like doing no matter what the consequences are, and don't forget to keep your options open

think i'd better go for a nice walk to get some fresh air and calm down!!

aww ...you don't want him out of your life though do you?
You want him in it and you want him well by the sounds of it

No advice ...sorry...flat nearby sounds a really good idea though

hope it works out for you thisfornow

she sounds beyond endurable! But I think it's a relief to accept that you can only do what you've committed to do in life, if that. Your commitment is to dc and dh - however you work that out; I think, her - she sounds like she'll create plenty of woe for herself! For your kids to see you going to bat for their dad against the world - what a loving act! What a great mum to fight for them. It's the example of that which they'll never forget, and will help them go out to fight for themselves when they're bigger. They learn it all from us.
Obviously lots of people can't do that - but if you can; it's like the everyday heroism of life isn't it?
(forgive me! emotional music starting in background!!!)

ah this is what i love about MN. an hour ago i was ready to kill the world and be happy never to see dh or his family ever again!!

but you've made me remember why i have been trying so hard in the first place.
i do love him. i want him in our lives. and i want him well again.

anyone got a magic wand

you're my Hero now! More music swelling in the background!!

hi thisfornow

apart from the parents (which i understand is a huge part of this for you) your post regarding your dh's depression is very similar to my situation.

my dh also lives with his parents due to his depression and we see him sporadically depending on how he is feeling.

this has been going on 18 months for us. i too love him to bits and just want him home.

the two comments "better of without me" and "i want more" are so familiar to me. he says the first one and i say the second one!

my dh is having treatment and at the moment is responding well - altho that's no guarantee as he crashes frequently.

i too think having his own place might be beneficial but financially it's just not possible.

IME, offering unconditional love and support and always having an open door have been the best ways of getting thru to dh that we can still have our future and family life that we planned. threats and anger and upset on my behalf have always just led to distancing him further.

i also get very annoyed with his parents because i think they hide their heads and ignore his illness. they indulge him and protect him and he gets caught in the middle of their quarrels and quibbles. not the same scale as your situation tho.

basically, you cannot manage his relationship with his parents. only he can do that, which will be all the harder in his depressed state.

as has been suggested, offer him safe haven with you and your dc. tell him that his parents' situation doesn't affect how you feel about him but also try to help him see that he isn't responsible for them either.

suggest that he parks the parents at your front door when he is with you. in an attempt to recognise that their relationship is not the roadmap for yours.

you will know when you're at the end of the road. i know i'm not there yet, but i'm a lot closer than i was a year ago and i have told dh this.

doesn't sound to me like you're ready to give up on him and he's lucky to have you. empty threats or ultimatums will only serve to undermine the relationship that you do have.

is your dh on ADs and/or having counselling? i would strongly recommend both in helping him deal with the mess of his parents' relationship.

you sound like a very strong person to take this on but i know that love is a great motivator. people say i am strong too but i don't think so, i just love him and it breaks my heart to be apart.

make sure you have plenty of support as well tho - it's very important to be able to keep offering your dh the love and support that you are.

good luck, really really hope things work out the way you want.

btw, CAT me if you'd like....

oh, and i'll have that magic wand next please!

you are your magic want thisfornow and my hero!

ipanemagirl

Paddlechick666 thanks for your lovely post. I completely understand about ultimatums and threats/ anger just pushing him away further. Possibly it's due to the depression, but the minute I get upset and angry, or tell him how much he's hurting me, he gets even more upset, hates himself even more, and seems to go downhill again.

He's said things like after everything he's done to me and leaving me and dc alone over christmas etc that he doesn't deserve to be with me anymore. But I want him to understand that I see the depression as an illness that is in control of him, and once he gets that control back he'll realise what a brilliant husband and dad he is, and that we're better off with him than without him.

You sound like such a strong person even if you don't think so - to have lasted 18 months and still love him and be there for him is brilliant. I hope mine doesn't last that long but if it does I hope I have the strength to keep going.

Dh won't go to docs so isn't on ADs, but is going to counselling every now and again.

a therapist suggested to me once (having acted in haste and repented at leisure...) that stressful situations make people panic and that fight or flight atmosphere fools us into thinking we need an answer for something now - this minute.
Actually life demonstrates that many clever/happy people plan for the long game, and time sorts out far more than we can bear to admit. We want the pain to stop now rather than really accepting how hard it is and just `*keep on keeping on, and then things can change in their own way.

*mr bob dylan, wise man (about things other than marriage!)

Amen for mr bob dylan

I liked your idea too that I am my own magic wand. So if I need to give it time, I need to find a way to make the time go faster.

So have just popped out and bought myself a nice bottle of wine and a box of chocolates for tonight

thisfornow, you could be me on this I think!

our situations are incredibly similar. this year we did have xmas day together but not the year before. we've spent 2 NY's apart and he missed dd's 1st birthday.

Bob Dylan is great, favourite album is Blood on The Tracks.

good words about time etc, wish dh could take it on board.

ooh can i be a magic wand too? slightly allergic to chocolate but wine and popcorn will do me!

lordy it would be a great magic wand that could make me allergic to chocolate - deliver me from temptation! so many bob fans here! I listen to his radio prog while I'm on mumsnet - it's hysterical.

it's no fun being allergic to chocolate! especially if you ignore your allergy and eat it anyway LOL

what radio prog?