to marvel at how self-centred some people can be?

(76 Posts)
HenrySugar Wed 24-Apr-13 10:23:53

Just a string of small(ish) happenings recently have made me think this - I'm a pretty assertive person myself but some people are so good at manipulating situations to their own advantage that you almost end up going along with it before you realise how selfishly they are acting.

The first situation: I started swimming lessons a few months ago. There were initially 3 of us who paid a private instructor between us. He would come to a pool near my work and it all worked well for ages. One of the group has now had to leave and another woman has taken her place. After her first week I received a text message from the instructor informing me that they had changed the venue and time - the lessons are now too early and too far away from my work for me to get there in time. I phoned the instructor who was it has to be said a little sheepish but he has basically let this new woman manipulate him into changing everything to suit her! And now he's saying to me that I still need to pay him even if don't turn up. I'm going to have to stop the lessons I think.

Other situation: I also dance as a hobby and several friends/acquaintances have said they would love to do a sort of class together. I am in theory happy to do that and wouldn't want to charge money as I'm not a teacher, I just enjoy it and have been doing it long enough that I'm pretty competent. I let everyone know the times I could manage. I have been utterly amazed at all the complaining and trying to change the times and days to suit themselves! Why would people do that when I'm basically doing it as a favour? Anyway we finally found a time and then only one person showed up!

What goes through these people's heads?! Were they all spoilt children or something?

Arion Wed 24-Apr-13 10:29:16

Do not pay the swim instructor! Your contract with him was for a certain place and time, as he has changed both, there should be no obligation for you to pay of you can't attend. Or for a notice period. How cheeky of himand of the new woman.

DIYapprentice Wed 24-Apr-13 10:30:09

YANBU! The cheek of some people!!

Rule No 1 - some people won't value things if they are for free. That is why they didn't bother turning up. Sad, but true. I would LOVE to have a dance class like this <anywhere in the SE?? I'll be your friend, and I won't be a sod like the others!! wink>

Swimming instructor can go jump. He cannot insist that you pay for a service which has altered so dramatically. Just make it clear - you will continue with the lessons in the old format, or not at all. Cheeky sods, both the new woman and the instructor.

Cross for you over both situations!!

ssd Wed 24-Apr-13 10:31:41

christ where do you get the time for all this?

HenrySugar Wed 24-Apr-13 10:35:49

haha ssd the swimming is only for an hour after work once a week. I'm going to have to tell the instructor to give my place to someone else. The dancing is the only other hobby I do!

DIY sorry I'm not even in UK otherwise we would have a deal!

MyDarlingClementine Wed 24-Apr-13 10:36:18

It staggers me also; " Can we all meet at 7pm so I can get my baby down"

Yes sure its not like the rest of us don't have babies to get down also!!

Terribly manipulative people one is so fake and nice to people it suits her to be as DC same age, seemingly very generous and nice by giving an offer to me to someone else so they could benefit.

It was purely however to get this other lady a ticket to the same place over summer so she had company for her and her DC even though this one ticket will use up ladies whole points! The other lady thinks she is being really kind.

V pushy spoilt types. Alpha females?

ssd Wed 24-Apr-13 10:37:22

not alpha, just arsey

nananaps Wed 24-Apr-13 10:39:03

Its simple things like the other day for example.
I struggled into baby clinic with my car seat, weighs an effing tonne, a woman and an older lady carrying a baby went in before me, younger woman had nothing in her hands, let the older woman in, then let the door shut on me.
(they were together)
I wrestled the door open, and i could see the older woman having words with the younger one as she must have seen this.

TBH it happens all the time especially when i have the pram, no one these days opens doors for people. Its like they are in a world of their own and only they matter.
Makes me sad.

AnyoneforTurps Wed 24-Apr-13 10:43:54

YANBU. Sadly it does seem to be true that some people don't value something unless they pay for it. Maybe you should try a very small charge (say £2) each, going to charity?

HenrySugar Wed 24-Apr-13 10:44:29

That's very bad manners nananaps! I always pull my dcs up on not holding doors and make whoever is first through hold it for everyone else!

HenrySugar Wed 24-Apr-13 10:45:49

Charity idea could work, although maybe not now I've started it for free. I'm thinking we should have the class somewhere other than my house so that I can say if I don't hear at least 3 are coming I won't turn up.

WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo Wed 24-Apr-13 10:46:06

nananaps i always hold doors open for anyone that is behind me whether they are young, old, pregnant, disabled, carry stuff, carry a baby, pushing a pram etc. i do it for people who are coming out the door in the opposite direction to me aswell. it is just a default thing when i see another person at the door, i hold it open and most of them say thank you aswell so there are nice peope out there smile

OP dont pay for the swimming. he's changed the terms of the agreement without consulting you. he cant charge you for it.

HenrySugar Wed 24-Apr-13 10:49:55

No I won't pay. But will have to stop which is a shame. WTF I do that too - it's ingrained in me from childhood, same as not dropping litter.

narmada Wed 24-Apr-13 10:50:22

Absolutely don't pay for the swimming. It's the instructor's fault if he didn't even consult you.

I don't buy the 'people don't value things they don't pay for' thing, though. I don't think that's anything to do with it. Some people don't value other people as much as they should.

HenrySugar Wed 24-Apr-13 10:55:31

I just don't understand how they can think their behaviour is ok! I have a tendency to overanalyse conversations and hope I haven't offended anyone which is the opposite problem.

KurriKurri Wed 24-Apr-13 11:07:12

I do agree very much with the manipulating times things - I had it happen to me fairly recently.

I go to a book club which meets on a thursday morning once a month. - About ten members - a nice little group. One woman announced before Xmas that she wanted to start doing course on thursday mornings so wanted the club changed. - many people including myself said they couldn't do that because they either worked, volunteered or had other courses they already went to. So it was apparently dropped. Then suddenly an e-mail comes round - Hello Entitledwoman here, - I persuaded club leader to change the club from thurs mornings to afternoons - IIRC it was only Kurri and X and Y who couldn't manage that time, as I said - I am starting a course in the mornings'

So in fact about half of us have had to drop out as we have other commitments (genuinely - we aren't being deliberately awkward). Now in the last couple of days I have had another e-mail saying 'Our club seems to have dropped drastically in numbers, but luckily Entitledwoman has finished her course now so we can change back to mornings and you can all come again'

Who the hell gets a club to change its time so no one can go, so she can go on a three months course? - it didn't occur to her that she should be the one who would have to miss book club for a few months. And sadly I (and probably some others) have now joined something else (I have a free Thursday morning, I like to use it so joined a yoga group) so can't go back.

Sorry - that was a big old rant, - but I feel your rage OP, yes some folk are very self absorbed and think the world revolves around them. And unfortunately the people who don't, are often so surprised by the sheer brass neck of them, that they end up agreeing to stuff they don't really want to.

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson Wed 24-Apr-13 11:12:11

Many, many people live on the planet of self these days....

Most selfish person I've ever come across is a woman I met on a parenting forum when I had my youngest child. We were on the forum for 3 years and it was all about her, in fact it should have been named after her rather than the month and year we had our babies in. Constant me, me, me posts and looking for attention, whilst offering no support to others.

We then moved to a facebook group and she was the same. We had a meet before Xmas and it all had to fit around her, where she wanted to go, what she wanted to do, dates and times to suit her. And in person it was all about her too. So I left the group as I got fed up with her extreme selfishness.

It never ceases to amaze me too how some are happy to totally accept that the world revolves around some people, and play up to it. If selfish swines weren't accommodated they'd soon sort their behaviour out!

HenrySugar Wed 24-Apr-13 11:13:09

Unbelieveable! Wouldn't a normal reaction be "I want to start doing a course on Thursday mornings so I won't be able to do book group any more"?!

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson Wed 24-Apr-13 11:14:14

I have read the book club post open mouthed! Speechless!

somewhereaclockisticking Wed 24-Apr-13 11:25:05

The instructor is in the wrong here to have listened to this woman who took the spare place - his agreement wasn't with her - she took a place that was available and when she agreed to that place she was in fact agreeing to the time and place. I'm afraid this would get my back up so much that I would demand a meeting where everyone is involved and you (and original members of this group) say no it stays here at this time and if other woman is not happy she can come to some arrangementby herself with the instructor - she has a choice - she doesn't have to hijack your swimming group. It sounds like although the instructor could have been manipulated, it's been agreed by him/her because it also suits them. Of course you shouldn't have to pay when the instructor is changing the time and venue with no consultation or warning and I'm glad that you won't but it is just so out of order for someone new to come along and change it all.

As for the dance - yes hold it at a hall somewhere and charge to cover the costs of hiring the hall - I'd put up a notice so that maybe some other people you don't actually know also turn up and will be more likely to turn up regularly to keep the costs of the hall hire paid for. The more you do for people the less they value you and I will never understand why - even family members are the same. I always thought the more someone does for you the more you should appreciate them.

WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo Wed 24-Apr-13 11:28:43

shock @ book club woman!

the organiser must have a spine like a jellybaby to have agreed to that!

HenrySugar Wed 24-Apr-13 11:30:23

I did argue my case with the swim instructor but he had agreed to change the class already and basically told me that was that. Maybe he preferred the new arrangement, or maybe he was bullied into it, who knows. I haven't yet but will call him and cancel my place. Was just a bit shocked at the time.

Crinkle77 Wed 24-Apr-13 11:32:23

Deffo don't pay the swimming instructor. You had a prior arrangement and he changed it.

With the dance classes I find that people are always keen but then family/work committments get in the way, people are tired atc... Annoying I know and it is very selfish to say you will do something then back out without letting you know

cakebar Wed 24-Apr-13 11:34:12

Yes, these people are really selfish BUT why are you lot letting them!! Especially the book club one, surely the right response would be to reply to the email that it didn't seem right that 3 people would have to leave to accommodate one person and can it be changed back.

I would not pay the swimming instructor.

I am not surprised about the dancing thing, lots of people say they want to do things, especially exercise based things and then when it comes to it don't turn up. I'm not sure why as I don't do this. I think commitment through money paid beforehand does help.

HenrySugar Wed 24-Apr-13 11:35:55

Yes unfortunately I am realising that about the money thing. I was also amazed at some of the nonchalant excuses people gave for not turning up, like "Oh! I forgot what day it was!" Well, I could do that too....

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