to not talk to him in the morning?

(92 Posts)
CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 03:44:29

DP and I have been together 5 years and have a 2yo.

We go out together with friends in town about once a month, he goes evey other weekend. Tonight he came back from work and asked if he could meet his best friend as they havnt seen each other for ages for a couple pints. I thought ok, no problem I know him so know he'll be out all night! I can deal with that.

After a phone call to see what time he'd be back to see if I should leave a key out it transpired that he hasn't seen his mate at all. (He said he'd be back late so about 2am usually)

Another friend we go out with a lot text me to ask if he was home yet, he wasn't so I rang him to see where he was and my best friend from school answered, so said hi lovely to talk to her and my DP said hed be home soon.

Then got a text from her saying DP was at hers and might stay! I still talk to her a lot she's a life long friend. The kind u only see 3 times a year but ur always close. DP knows her as my friend, never socialised with her together and he's never met her flatmate (girl)

This makes me uncomfortable and I don't see why he couldn't come home. He's staying at 2 girls flat he doesn't really know, he said he does know her so what's the problem? He's now asleep on her sofa and I'm annoyed he's put me in this situations.

Whose being unreasonable? Is it me :s
He knows I'm unsecure! For good reason too.

CorsicaJane Mon 18-Mar-13 22:37:12

ImTooHecsyForYourParty - sorry for the late reply! I don't know, I don't think she would have let him stay if she thought that was happening, or I would hope not, we grew up together and have always been close. Just don't see each other a lot because of life getting in the way. She only sees DP in passing when she's at mine.

I'm not having anymore shit like this being pulled and he knows it. I'm going to change my reaction so I won't put up with it and he'll either have to change to keep me happy or do one!

CorsicaJane Mon 18-Mar-13 22:37:12

ImTooHecsyForYourParty - sorry for the late reply! I don't know, I don't think she would have let him stay if she thought that was happening, or I would hope not, we grew up together and have always been close. Just don't see each other a lot because of life getting in the way. She only sees DP in passing when she's at mine.

I'm not having anymore shit like this being pulled and he knows it. I'm going to change my reaction so I won't put up with it and he'll either have to change to keep me happy or do one!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 17-Mar-13 12:09:14

Is it possible he tried it on with your friend's flatmate and your friend texted you to in some way try to alert you to it so that you would know where he was and would contact him, so that nothing would happen with him and her flatmate?

teamboleyn Sun 17-Mar-13 10:37:42

If he doesn't want to be accused of cheating he shouldn't be acting as if he is.

CorsicaJane Sun 17-Mar-13 08:53:45

Marceline - the friend that text me is a male friend of DPs, I have met him through DP and I am good friends with him and I may make a small remark and ask what he thought when I see him on saturday - to be honest I don't think anything happened. I never thought it would, I agree with Raum that he thought something might! He won't admit this though. He said as they live at a pub they'd go back and continue, but they don't own it and just went to the flat they live in upstairs. I do trust my friend, not her flatmate who has a bad reputation and my DP who could have been inappropriate.

Kalidanger - he vaguely knows my 'best school friend' to say hi to and maybe have a polite chat. Definitely not enough to stay at her house without me! I made an example of if I did it to one of his close friends and if he lived with a man I had never met and he seemed to realise how inappropriate it was.

HerrenaHarridan - thank you smile - I always feel I have the main responsibility for her but in the last year he's much more hands on, he doesn't have full days on his own with her because we like doing things together, but he does small things like takes her saturday morning to his parents house for brekkie and takes her in the field to see the sheep after work and after this thread iv decided to get a part time job so I have some space away from both DP and DD to be myself and to not rely so much on DP for money.

HerrenaHarridan Sat 16-Mar-13 21:20:29

Well done Corsica, beautifully handled!

I hope for everyone's sake it gets through. Like pp said if it doesn't we'll still be here.

Fwiw I put up with a lot more than I should from ex because I wanted to be 100% certain I had done EVERYTHING within my power to make it work. It didn't but I know I really tried.
I sincerely hope that it does for you smile

Reason I asked about taking dd on his own is that often men don't/won't and can be helpful in making them FEEL responsible and trustworthy. Unfortunately some women make their partners feel too stupid/ clumsy/ irresponsible etc to look after the baby and this can really hamper the development of the fathers natural instincts. So I was gently trying to gauge if this was applicable smile

kalidanger Sat 16-Mar-13 20:48:02

Oh, I didn't realise he didn't know your friend and her flatmate at at all shock I think I assumed he'd bumped into people he very vaguely knew through you. Oh dear.

Good luck OP And do come back on here if you need to in the future. There's very few "I told you so's" about grin

Coconutty Sat 16-Mar-13 18:29:52

What Marceline said.

MarcelineTheVampireQueen Sat 16-Mar-13 17:42:04

I would get in touch with the friend that texted you and ask her what she knows.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 17:31:10

Armagh - yea I think he was. He doesn't know my friend because she's from school, we havnt socialised with her before so to him he was talking to strangers. He said he was embarrassed I had accused him of cheating - I said I was embarrassed all our friends had seen him leave a club with 2 girls! He tried making out I was being silly but because of this thread I knew I was right and didn't and havnt backed down on it.

What's done is done and I'm moving on and making it better!

Euphemia Sat 16-Mar-13 17:17:07

Go you! Well done, you strong woman, you! smile

armagh Sat 16-Mar-13 17:13:28

I think the friend who texted you to see if your partner was 'home yet' was trying to tell you something.....probably that he was with another girl.

Hopasholic Sat 16-Mar-13 16:59:56

Well done! It's in his hands now so time will tell. Glad you managed to get through to him without getting upset, let's hope he takes you seriously flowers

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 16:46:26

Thanks everyone.
HerrenaHarridan - yes he does have DD on his own, no problems there, he wasn't very hands on when she was small but they have got a lot closer the bigger she's got!

Ok so we talked, he was in bed and I went up and asked why he had gone there, explained that I felt insecure because of his put downs, his past cheating, his bigging himself up and his trying to make me feel not as good as him. It was not necessary for him to go there and made me feel insecure. He said he understands why I'm upset, he's sorry and he didn't realise how insecure I was. He kept saying iv said sorry about it but I wanted to talk about everything, I said I'm not living my life like this, being upset everytime he goes out, being put 2nd. I didn't shout once. My voice wobbled a lot.

He just said he doesn't mean to make me feel like this and he doesn't want me to be so unhappy so he will try to 'change' - I don't want him to change, jus consider that his plans will always effect me and DD and understand he needs to be more family orientated now!

I told him if he put his happiness before ours again we would have a trial separation. If it happened again after that a permanent separation. He then asked for a cuddle and I said I just wasn't ready to do that yet. And left him to it.

So now only time will tell. It may sound like a cop out but its the first time I havnt picked him up, havnt cuddled him and have got my points across without arguing or being interrupted.

I hope I'm not taken for a mug even more than I am now! And I hope things do get better.

When you think about it, one little thing doesn't seem like much to end a relationship on. But neither does getting hit with a rain drop, however Chinese water torture will drive you mad one drop at a time. He's drip drip drip dripping his was into being single again.

HerrenaHarridan Sat 16-Mar-13 13:44:48

Fair play raum! ( he probably spot on)

Airwalk79 Sat 16-Mar-13 11:22:06

I used to be you... My ex had a lovely friend. He is now my lovely husband, and ex now has a new girlfriend/ mug to treat like shit. My and my child's life are a whole world away from anything he could ever have provided for us.
Get yourself some space to think. Your better off on your own than with a idiot! At least then you know your going it alone instead of being under some misguided illusion that your part of a team!
Good luck!

Raum Sat 16-Mar-13 11:04:36

As a guy I personally think he was hoping to get lucky with your mate as she or her flat mate would be unlikely to tell you. Probably stupid drunken behaviour but he needs to grow up, suggest not picking him up and expecting an apology. If none is freely offered I'd be showing him the door. Sorry but he's a pretty shit partner.

HerrenaHarridan Sat 16-Mar-13 10:52:58

Tbh Corsica, I think you'd be better off without him but you are clearly not in that place yet so I won't waste my time trying to persuade you.

Well done for not picking him up, please stick with that.

You are strong and you need to draw some lines in your head and say to yourself rhis far an no further.

Please remember that your child will be growing up with the idea that this is how people treat each other so make sure you are having the kind of relationship you would like them to be having in 20 years!

Your bf does sound very young to me (emotionally, chronological age is irrelevant)
You said you know other young fathers who are very responsible, could you talk the them about what brought fatherhood home to them?

Does he look after dc by himself?

One thing though, do you have proper legal paperwork re renting from his parents? If you do break up and they kick him out and say you can stay, you'll meed to sort this asap!!

I had a trial separation from my "childhood sweetheart" at 20, I found that it showed me that I could actually exist as a single person, having gone from living with my parents to living with him.
We broke up permanently a week after unseperating.

Hope that a trial separation shows you how great life can be without this arse and give you the confidence to end it completely smile

mrssmartarse Sat 16-Mar-13 10:41:55

Corsica this is like reading a thread from myself 5 years ago shock

How will u feel when Dd is treated like this by her Dp, you are teaching her this behaviour is acceptable and normal hmm

Trial separations are great if you think it'll be the boot up the bum he needs, one week won't do that hunny, tbh I think you should give him at least a month to see if he'll make an effort?

From experience I'm guaranteeing u, it'll hurt like hell when u first split but you will be much better off without him!

And if all else fails stick some immac in his shampoo and see if he still wants to go out with no hair grin

Xxx

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 10:31:31

Yes SirBoob - totally agree about the young mum thing, you always feel you have to proove yourself!

I tell him all the time how would you feel if DD was treated like this? How can u teach her this.

I think all 3 of us would be happier if me and DP were apart - he can do what he wants, DD will have more stability and I can have a proper life!

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 10:31:31

Yes SirBoob - totally agree about the young mum thing, you always feel you have to proove yourself!

I tell him all the time how would you feel if DD was treated like this? How can u teach her this.

I think all 3 of us would be happier if me and DP were apart - he can do what he wants, DD will have more stability and I can have a proper life!

kalidanger Sat 16-Mar-13 10:15:48

Good luck x SirBoob sounds like she know what she's on about thanks for you.

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