to not talk to him in the morning?

(92 Posts)
CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 03:44:29

DP and I have been together 5 years and have a 2yo.

We go out together with friends in town about once a month, he goes evey other weekend. Tonight he came back from work and asked if he could meet his best friend as they havnt seen each other for ages for a couple pints. I thought ok, no problem I know him so know he'll be out all night! I can deal with that.

After a phone call to see what time he'd be back to see if I should leave a key out it transpired that he hasn't seen his mate at all. (He said he'd be back late so about 2am usually)

Another friend we go out with a lot text me to ask if he was home yet, he wasn't so I rang him to see where he was and my best friend from school answered, so said hi lovely to talk to her and my DP said hed be home soon.

Then got a text from her saying DP was at hers and might stay! I still talk to her a lot she's a life long friend. The kind u only see 3 times a year but ur always close. DP knows her as my friend, never socialised with her together and he's never met her flatmate (girl)

This makes me uncomfortable and I don't see why he couldn't come home. He's staying at 2 girls flat he doesn't really know, he said he does know her so what's the problem? He's now asleep on her sofa and I'm annoyed he's put me in this situations.

Whose being unreasonable? Is it me :s
He knows I'm unsecure! For good reason too.

notnagging Sat 16-Mar-13 03:52:05

It's not you it's him. I think writing it down just confirmed it to you. Don't let him do the classic turning it around. That is very odd behaviour. Whether your insecure or not, if he respected you he wouldn't do it, simple & she is not a friend.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 03:56:24

Thank you, he will definitely turn it around on me, he didn't even tell me where he was because she had text me to tell me. Even after I text him saying I was annoyed. She's made out I don't trust her but to be honest its not even about that. Why would he go to basically a strangers house instead of just coming home? I think your right in the respect thing, I'm sitting up in bed, with my 2yo fast asleep and he can't even make it home, and I will be expected to pick him up tomorrow. Eurgh.

ToupOfRegDwight Sat 16-Mar-13 04:21:02

Don't pick him up! He made his own way out so he can make his own way back!

Do NOT pick him up.

If the bastard can make his way there he can make his way back.

I would be furious if my DP did this. But he just wouldnt, because its not normal behaviour. Why the fuck is he even there?

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 04:41:48

I don't want to pick him up but ill loose the battle I always do! sad he obviously told my friend he couldn't afford a taxi cos she said she thought it would be better him staying there then a randomers but I know he has more than enough to get home.

Exactly why is he there? I'm not even furious because its not the worst of things he's done over the last 5 years! :

Things ill never forget:

After a week in hospital after an emergency c-section, the day we got to take our LO home he went to Royal Ascot. I stayed at my mums, was very anemic sp? But didn't want to stay another night, was the worst night of my life!

First family holidays, 1 with my family, 1 with his - both times he flew out a day late so he could go to a party he couldn't missed so I flew with LO without his help.

My 21st last year, he went on a stag do for a friend he hardly sees and missed it. Didn't get a card or present when he came back but he bought himself a new England shirt.

Why isn't this the final straw?!

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 04:41:48

I don't want to pick him up but ill loose the battle I always do! sad he obviously told my friend he couldn't afford a taxi cos she said she thought it would be better him staying there then a randomers but I know he has more than enough to get home.

Exactly why is he there? I'm not even furious because its not the worst of things he's done over the last 5 years! :

Things ill never forget:

After a week in hospital after an emergency c-section, the day we got to take our LO home he went to Royal Ascot. I stayed at my mums, was very anemic sp? But didn't want to stay another night, was the worst night of my life!

First family holidays, 1 with my family, 1 with his - both times he flew out a day late so he could go to a party he couldn't missed so I flew with LO without his help.

My 21st last year, he went on a stag do for a friend he hardly sees and missed it. Didn't get a card or present when he came back but he bought himself a new England shirt.

Why isn't this the final straw?!

MammaTJ Sat 16-Mar-13 04:53:37

So you are 21/22 and have been with him for 5 years. How old is he?

It sounds as though you have grown up and he hasn't.

Time to LTB. He does not put you or your child first and from little hints you have dropped has cheated on you?

How much more do you think you should put up with?

When the final straw comes (and it will come) it will most likely be something pretty small in comparison, but you will just have had enough.

None of what you have said he does is nice behaviour or even normal. He doesnt respect you. Time and time again he puts himself and his want to party before you and his daughter. I bet theres more. I am so sad for you.

So why isn't this the final straw? Only you can answer that. It won't get better and you know it, he lies, he is selfish and lets you sit and worry. He sounds horrible. This is the role model of how to be a man for your child.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 05:10:41

Mamma he's a year older than me, it was ok before we had our daughter because I was working FT including all weekend so it didn't matter if he went out or not. He kissed 2 girls within the first 2 months of us being together. That he told me. The problem is I know some of his mates cheat on their girlfriends and have no idea which doesn't help. He's always banging on about girls being good looking on TV and always puts me down when we argue or he's annoyed about something.

Maybe its not the final straw because iv given up so much to care for him and our baby (not that its too much of a chore to look after her! smile)

I always think I'm strong cos no matter what he does I'm always happy with my friends and family. But I'm obviously just a doormat!

Final straw. Hmmm if I knew he cheated on me and had destroyed all hopes of our family that would do it. But I'd have to be 100% certain. He's done nothing suspicious but I'm never sure if he has or not - is that gut instinct? Or paranoia?

I guess I'm hoping he will grow out of it. I finally think he's getting the 'family man' thing then he does stuff like this! Iv always given him a lot of freedom in the sense of not having a problem with him going out with his friends. I lost a lot of friends when I got pregnant so I didn't want that for him.

Thank you all for your replies! I knew I was pissed off but it goes so much deeper

notnagging Sat 16-Mar-13 05:24:36

He's done nothing to make you suspicious?! What do you call suspicious behaviour then op?

DublinMammy Sat 16-Mar-13 05:25:39

He sounds very thoughtless, immature and downright horrible at times. You deserve better than that. I would be very upset and angry in your place and wouldn't DREAM of collecting him. People will treat us the way we allow them to and if you keep allowing this, he will keep doing it. It's that simple. Hope you manage to get some sleep and perhaps figure out what you want to do tomorrow - well, later today....

BonaDrag Sat 16-Mar-13 05:31:07

You're young, you have family support close at hand.

You can survive without him.

It's not going to get better. He doesn't care. I'm sorry I'm being blunt but you can choose misery with him or give yourself the opportunity to be with someone who actually respects you and treats you well.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 05:33:01

Notnagging - he goes out with his mates, I go out with them all too sometimes, he doesn't hide his phone, I always know where he is. I don't know if the problems in my head because its whether I believe him or not IYSWIM.

Yea, daughters just got in to bed with me so we are going to have a snuggle and kip for a couple of hours hopefully! I have no anger at the moment but I'm sure when he crawls home smelly and hungover I will be! I will tell him what for and Iv tried lots of ways of not allowing him to treat me like this, shouting, letting him get on with it, leaving. Iv got a lot of thinking to do I guess! Thank you all for replying, its nice to know its not normal and unacceptable behaviour, as he makes me feel stupid for feeling this way!

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 05:33:02

Notnagging - he goes out with his mates, I go out with them all too sometimes, he doesn't hide his phone, I always know where he is. I don't know if the problems in my head because its whether I believe him or not IYSWIM.

Yea, daughters just got in to bed with me so we are going to have a snuggle and kip for a couple of hours hopefully! I have no anger at the moment but I'm sure when he crawls home smelly and hungover I will be! I will tell him what for and Iv tried lots of ways of not allowing him to treat me like this, shouting, letting him get on with it, leaving. Iv got a lot of thinking to do I guess! Thank you all for replying, its nice to know its not normal and unacceptable behaviour, as he makes me feel stupid for feeling this way!

EMS23 Sat 16-Mar-13 06:10:34

It sounds to me like he simply isn't ready to settle down yet. 23 is so young, especially for men.

Not making excuses for him, he sounds like an immature prick to be honest but the fact is, that at 23, he is young.

Stop trying to change him, you're using up a shed load of energy for nothing. He won't change till he's good and ready and I'd estimate that will be in about 7 years time.

Stop enabling him to be a shit dad and partner. Go your own way and hopefully he'll be a wonderful devoted Dad to your little girl when he has his time with her. I really don't think anything you can say to him, right now, is going to magically turn him into the partner you deserve to have at your side.

Staying at your mates house means one of two things to me. He's shagged one of them, or he's done some drugs and doesn't want to come home in a state.

Emilythornesbff Sat 16-Mar-13 06:35:30

Do not pick him up today.
Keep it breezy, no need to have ago (even if he deserves it) but do not pick him up.
It's very liberating to break a cycle of "losing" these battles.
Good luck.

maddening Sat 16-Mar-13 06:36:10

I'd pick him up as soon as 2yo is awake - no lie in the morning spent chatting and having breakfast with your friend - up now and out - fuck his headache!

maddening Sat 16-Mar-13 06:40:36

But I am bitter and jaded and slightly vengeful

LittleChickpea Sat 16-Mar-13 06:46:19

Really sorry to read this. YANBU and I can understand why you feel insecure. From what I have read he creates situations and an environment that would make anyone feel insecure.

His behaving in a really selfish andirresponsible way. his got his cake and His eating it. Don't pick him up, tell him to do the walk of shame if he has no money.

I know it's hard but you need to find a way to stand your ground and draw a line regarding what's acceptable and what's not. Beware if you do you may need to kick his self centred arse out if he steps over the line. Your other choice is to live with his bullsh*t.

You sound lovely, keep your chin up.

Emilythornesbff Sat 16-Mar-13 06:58:31

Hadn't thought of it like that maddening.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 07:12:08

ESM23 - I understand he's young, so am I! But I manage ok, we both sat down and when we found out I was pregnant and discussed if we could be good, financially stable, supportive parents and we decided we were, I think at even 20 when we had her he could man up. Sometimes you have to. I know plenty of dads that age that are great partners and fathers. So I'm sorry but I don't agree with that comment.
He makes life so bloody difficult! He could have just come home and I wouldn't be questioning everything!

Thank you LittleChickpea, I do think I'm a nice person, that's the problem, he knows it too and takes advantage.

Had the phone call just now - after 2 hours sleep! My little girls not even up yet for god sake. Why stay there if your going to get up 2 hours later?! Says he has no money but I know how much he took out in cash, if he's spent it all he'll have to take more out of his bank acct. Like most people! Like he should have last night! Told him we r sleeping at the moment. And that was the end of the conversation.

Emilythornesbff Sat 16-Mar-13 07:17:49

Stay in bed. Have leisurely breakfast with your dd.
He can make his own way home.
He is being selfish and thoughtless.
You sound too good for him tbh.

OrangeFireandGoldashes Sat 16-Mar-13 07:23:27

Well done for saying "no" to him. Now you just have to do it again when he rings back later. If you don't feel you can, then turn your phone off and take your daughter out for the morning when you've both got up. Do not, whatever you do, pick him up. He's a big boy, he can get a bus or walk. Ordering/expecting you to pick him up from this woman's house after behaving in a way that he now knows has upset you is unacceptable. If you can stand up to him over this comparatively small thing, it will give you a platform to build on to start standing up to him over the bigger things - like him still wanting to act like a carefree immature bachelor when he has a young daughter to provide for.

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