ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
To be questioning whether or not I'm going to put up with DH's behaviour any longer?(104 Posts)
I am a regular but I have namechanged so I am not recognised, as a few people I know in RL are on here too and they know my regular username.
I've been with my DH for about 11 years. I have one teenage DC from a previous marriage (her father was very abusive), and DH and I have two children together.
All is fine most of the time and in many ways my DH is a lovely bloke, however he doesn't seem to want to take an active part in family life the way many husbands and fathers do (eg he will never play with the youngest, who is 4), and he gets in moods from time to time, which last several days. During these moods he tries to convince me that it's my fault, and that there's nothing wrong with him and that it's just me that's the problem being oversensitive/taking it all the wrong way/imagining he's in a mood. Generally all is fine as long as it's all ticking over nicely but a big catalyst for one of these moods is if one of the DCs or I are ill. The 4 year old was ill between Xmas and new year and on the Saturday night I was up with him for most of the night. DH didn't try to help and instead just stormed off downstairs and slept there for the night, then the next day all he did all day was moan about how tired he was, and was just in a foul mood, picking at everything I did, even though it was me that had been up with DS all night.
He's also been in a mood for the last few days. He has been busy and a bit stressed at work, so I try not to be too harsh on him. However he seemed to wake up in a bad mood on Saturday morning, and was really snappy with me, uncommunicative and just didn't seem fussed about the kids or I. He had to take DC2 to an activity in the morning, then I asked if he'd collect her as I was getting lunch ready. He went off reluctantly and I could tell he wasn't happy. DD then had a party and he pointedly said he wasn't doing any other running around that day. So I took her to the party, got home and you could cut the atmosphere in the house with a knife, and before party pick up I asked why he was in this horrible mood and said it wasn't fair on any of us. I went to pick up DD, had a chat with some other mums and was about 45 minutes and when I got home DH said he'd been thinking and that I was disgusting in my behaviour and it wasn't him in a mood, it was me.
Fast forward to this morning. 4 year old came and got in bed with us early, and DH kept pulling the duvet off me and huffing and puffing. When he's in these moods he tries to antagonise me so that I say things then he can say it's me that's moody/horrible, so I let it go and just kept generally easing the duvet back over me. He then leapt out of bed and shouted that he was going downstairs to sleep, so he did, leaving DS and I in bed. I've had a horrible cold and cough for several days and haven't been sleeping too well, and at some point DS must have gone downstairs to join DH and when I woke up it was 10am. DH was moody that I had had a lie in for so long, but in all honesty I felt really ill. I then went for a bath, and whilst I was in the bath the phone rang and DH couldn't find either of the phones so he started shouting at me because of this, so I felt I had no choice but to get out of the bath. He's now spent the whole of today - mother's day - banging around, being snappy and huffy. He washed his work clothes tonight and washed them with a towel by mistake so they have fluff on them and he managed to find a way to blame me for that too, and then when I dared to protest, he spoke to me in a 'what on earth is wrong with you tone'
Sorry this is long, there is loads more I could say but I shall leave it here. I've just spent the whole of today feeling tearful and upset. I just want a nice family life, and to be treated nicely. Do I just put up with it and try to focus on the good points? Any tips on dealing with the moods? Thank you
Yes- he sounds like a man who's not coping with his life, and who is totally stressed. As I said before it doesn't excuse the behaviour - it'd be horrendous to be on the receiving end of it. But people on here are very quick to go down the "leave the bastard" route with only snapshots of a relationship. As someone pointed out previously OP has to decide if she wants to stay or not.
Bubbles unless he is behaving in exactly the same way to his friends and work people then he is not just not coping or stressed.
If this behaviour is only limited to the family who reside with him then he is a abusive wanker.
Not sure if anyone else has suggested it - but read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft OP.
It is a clear account of emotional abuse strategies that abusers use and it has helped many people here on mn to see what is going on clearly. I think what you describe OP is a textbook case of emotional abuse.
REMEMBER it isn't you, it's him
It is just so sad Teary and it doesn't have to be this way.
Bubbles my DH works in an immensely stressful job, he is often away for weeks, I work long hours, we are both very stressed and sometimes we get a bit snippy with each other due to this.
Never once in the 15 years we have been married has he treated me in the way Teary's DH is treating her. This is because he is not abusive.
Teary's DH is doing it because he likes it, he likes her upset and under his control and confused and doubting herself. Who know why he likes it? Who cares?
It just has to stop.
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