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To be questioning whether or not I'm going to put up with DH's behaviour any longer?

(104 Posts)
TearyOnMothersDay Sun 10-Mar-13 22:33:41

I am a regular but I have namechanged so I am not recognised, as a few people I know in RL are on here too and they know my regular username.

I've been with my DH for about 11 years. I have one teenage DC from a previous marriage (her father was very abusive), and DH and I have two children together.

All is fine most of the time and in many ways my DH is a lovely bloke, however he doesn't seem to want to take an active part in family life the way many husbands and fathers do (eg he will never play with the youngest, who is 4), and he gets in moods from time to time, which last several days. During these moods he tries to convince me that it's my fault, and that there's nothing wrong with him and that it's just me that's the problem being oversensitive/taking it all the wrong way/imagining he's in a mood. Generally all is fine as long as it's all ticking over nicely but a big catalyst for one of these moods is if one of the DCs or I are ill. The 4 year old was ill between Xmas and new year and on the Saturday night I was up with him for most of the night. DH didn't try to help and instead just stormed off downstairs and slept there for the night, then the next day all he did all day was moan about how tired he was, and was just in a foul mood, picking at everything I did, even though it was me that had been up with DS all night.

He's also been in a mood for the last few days. He has been busy and a bit stressed at work, so I try not to be too harsh on him. However he seemed to wake up in a bad mood on Saturday morning, and was really snappy with me, uncommunicative and just didn't seem fussed about the kids or I. He had to take DC2 to an activity in the morning, then I asked if he'd collect her as I was getting lunch ready. He went off reluctantly and I could tell he wasn't happy. DD then had a party and he pointedly said he wasn't doing any other running around that day. So I took her to the party, got home and you could cut the atmosphere in the house with a knife, and before party pick up I asked why he was in this horrible mood and said it wasn't fair on any of us. I went to pick up DD, had a chat with some other mums and was about 45 minutes and when I got home DH said he'd been thinking and that I was disgusting in my behaviour and it wasn't him in a mood, it was me.

Fast forward to this morning. 4 year old came and got in bed with us early, and DH kept pulling the duvet off me and huffing and puffing. When he's in these moods he tries to antagonise me so that I say things then he can say it's me that's moody/horrible, so I let it go and just kept generally easing the duvet back over me. He then leapt out of bed and shouted that he was going downstairs to sleep, so he did, leaving DS and I in bed. I've had a horrible cold and cough for several days and haven't been sleeping too well, and at some point DS must have gone downstairs to join DH and when I woke up it was 10am. DH was moody that I had had a lie in for so long, but in all honesty I felt really ill. I then went for a bath, and whilst I was in the bath the phone rang and DH couldn't find either of the phones so he started shouting at me because of this, so I felt I had no choice but to get out of the bath. He's now spent the whole of today - mother's day - banging around, being snappy and huffy. He washed his work clothes tonight and washed them with a towel by mistake so they have fluff on them and he managed to find a way to blame me for that too, and then when I dared to protest, he spoke to me in a 'what on earth is wrong with you tone'

Sorry this is long, there is loads more I could say but I shall leave it here. I've just spent the whole of today feeling tearful and upset. I just want a nice family life, and to be treated nicely. Do I just put up with it and try to focus on the good points? Any tips on dealing with the moods? Thank you

Nat38 Sun 10-Mar-13 23:31:38

What you need to do is start planning for your future.
Go to CAB & any other place to help you with benefits/places to live so you can leave this abusive relationship.
You need to do this, you can do this.
Think how much better your life will be without this emotional bully.
You will be able to manage.
If you need support, PM me, I will be there for you!

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 10-Mar-13 23:33:40

Jesus Christ woman why do you have to go anywhere?

If you want you can make him leave and get a order forcing him to financially aid you. You can also claim 20% of his income and would be eligible for benefits.

His pissing little temper tantrums and total lack of respect for you could cost him dearly.

He's horrible and he's doing this in front of the kids. They will think this is how marriage is supposed to be. Do you want your dd to live like this when she's an adult? Kick his ass out you need a break from him anyway.

expatinscotland Sun 10-Mar-13 23:35:50

Classic EA BS.

Jux Sun 10-Mar-13 23:40:16

Call Women's Aid and talk it theough with them. They can help you make a plan, point you towards a solicitor if you want one and give you support.

You could try telling him to grow the f*+@ up, but I doubt that will do any good, and could push him too far.

You don't deserve to live like this, and nor do your children. Ignore father's day when it comes.

Cyclefaster Mon 11-Mar-13 00:06:28

I'm sorry to read this but I was in exactly the same position two years ago. Everything was my fault. I would have to endure days of sulking/ignoring me that apparently I made him do. Nothing I did was right. Despite me trying. I would have to endure relentless character bashing on how what a an awful/mental/mad/horrible person I was. I literally had an out of body experience during one of his rants and thought I can't do this anymore. I have two DCs and I didn't want them to see this anymore. I moved out and although it has been hard I'm actually relieved and the children are happier too. There is no way to deal with these moods as he will only see it as your fault. Get some support as other have suggested. You only have one life. I strongly believe children are happier in two happy households as opposed to one miserable angry house. I wish you the best xx

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Mon 11-Mar-13 00:11:00

Echoing the others - kick the bastard to the curb, he's another abusive twat and the sooner you are rid of him the happier you and the children will be.

I'd knock that sodding smirk off his face.

mowzer Mon 11-Mar-13 00:13:54

This sounds a lot like my h. Sympathy here!

For my h: The nastiness when someone is ill seems to be related to him not feeling important or fussed over enough at the time. The grumps at the weekend when asked to do anything childcare related, especially party/activity drop offs are related to his idea that he works all week, so should do what he likes at weekends, and his disapproval of the kids doing anything which costs money.

We have been to relate, separately and together, and are better since, but still not great. He does now at least recognise that he is angry and has agreed to keep out of mine and the kids' way when he is angry until he can be civilised.

I think whatever you do, don't just put up with it, why should anyone? I think if he can recognise he is in the wrong, there is a chance he will change, if not, forget it. YANBU but he really is!

mowzer Mon 11-Mar-13 00:14:34

This sounds a lot like my h. Sympathy here!

For my h: The nastiness when someone is ill seems to be related to him not feeling important or fussed over enough at the time. The grumps at the weekend when asked to do anything childcare related, especially party/activity drop offs are related to his idea that he works all week, so should do what he likes at weekends, and his disapproval of the kids doing anything which costs money.

We have been to relate, separately and together, and are better since, but still not great. He does now at least recognise that he is angry and has agreed to keep out of mine and the kids' way when he is angry until he can be civilised.

I think whatever you do, don't just put up with it, why should anyone? I think if he can recognise he is in the wrong, there is a chance he will change, if not, forget it. YANBU but he really is!

Do you love him? confused

pluCaChange Mon 11-Mar-13 08:21:04

No matter what you devidevto do, you can disengage when he is like this by reminding yourself (or saying to him), "I don't know who you are. I didn't agree to marry and live with a twat like you." At the very least, it will keep you from going crazy at his obnoxious behaviour!

TearyOnMothersDay Mon 11-Mar-13 08:46:46

He's woken up in yet another mood this morning. Luckily he's gone to work today though.

Every time I try to talk to him about any moods he always looks at me in disbelief and says that it's not him, it's me and I need to learn to realise that and if I do he will change towards me.

It really upsets me the way he is so disengaged with family life. Lots of friends' husbands seem to really love fatherhood and want to do things as a family. DH will do things such as get DC3 ready for bed, but it's all quick, in bath, out bath, pj's, bed. He'll never read a story or anything like that. And he won't play with the kids, or for example take them out to the park for an hour whilst I catch up on jobs. There is always, always an atmosphere at the weekend.

If I gently try to suggest he does things with the DCs or makes any changes he either sulks or suddenly decides I'm doing something terrible on a daily basis and starts criticising me and picking at me over it.

Morloth Mon 11-Mar-13 08:51:17

Start to make an exit plan now. Make some calls, work it all out in your head and get some money together gradually.

You get one go at life, just the one don't waste it on this man.

AgathaF Mon 11-Mar-13 09:20:17

He is abusive. He is making you unhappy.

What's your next move going to be? Are you going to contact WA as has been suggested?

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Mon 11-Mar-13 09:28:44

Please don't stay with this horrible man any longer. Speak to Women's Aid, they will know where to start with getting him away from you and the children.

If you feel your resolve about leaving/kicking him out start to wobble, ask yourself if you would be happy for your children to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour in a relationship.

TearyOnMothersDay Mon 11-Mar-13 09:29:23

I don't know. I'd feel a fraud ringing WA tbh. He doesn't hit me

CloudsAndTrees Mon 11-Mar-13 09:29:41

You need to start thinking about how you will manage life and your children without him.

I'm not saying you should pack your bags and walk out tonight, but you do need to start accepting that this isn't going to work. It's damaging to you and more importantly it's damaging to your children. If they grow up thinking that this is what marriage looks like, they will end up in the same situation and just as unhappy.

Start squirrelling away money, and have a plan for when you are ready to leave. This will help you even while you are still with him, because you will begin to feel positive about your future instead of dread at the prospect of years of sulky moods ahead of you.

AgathaF Mon 11-Mar-13 09:39:07

He hits you verbally. He abuses you emotionally. You children witness that every day. They, just as much as you, will walk around on eggshells as they grow up - perhaps they already do. I'm sure you don't want that for them. So ring WA and talk about it with someone. Make plans. Please don't just put up with it.

INeedThatForkOff Mon 11-Mar-13 09:46:55

My dad was like this with my mum. She had a PT job and left him. We lived on next to nothing but it gave us a happy childhood and saved our relationship with our dad (I'm very aware of his faults but don't have to live with them, so I can deal with it). My sisters from his second marriage do live at home though, and have a difficult relationship with him. There's always the atmosphere you speak of and the impatient tone he regularly uses is disgustingly disrespectful.

ThreeWheelsGood Mon 11-Mar-13 09:56:07

He has moods where he doesn't speak to the kids?! That's awful. What terrible behaviour to exhibit. Think about them, their future, their so called role model. Leave for their sake, as well as your own.

specialsubject Mon 11-Mar-13 10:01:38

there is more to abuse than violence! sounds like the fact that he doesn't hit you is the only vaguely normal thing about him.

he's not in the house and you find that good. What does that tell you?

please take action. He can be removed and your life will be instantly better. This is what benefits and charities are FOR, please use them. (and it is not often that I say that!)

good luck.

Tearytoo Mon 11-Mar-13 10:07:30

Watching with sadness, mine is like this too, it's a shame because we could have such a great life together if he sorted himself out. sad

To anyone in this position. At the very least read the information on the WA site. It will make you realise abuse comes in many forms and will open your eyes to look for other patterns of behaviour that are wrong.

Them ask. If you could afford to go would you?

If the answer is yes, then your focus should move to finding out how to afford to move on. Get an appointment with CAB.

And do not go for counselling with him. As someone pointed out earlier he will use the sessions to make it your fault - with an audience he will feel like he's been validated. It will get thrown back at you.

Good luck. You can make things better.

You are not a fraud - he is abusing you and you need to realise this.
Call WA this morning.
So sorry you are going through this.
Be strong and tackle this and get out of the relationship as soon as you can.

YouTheCat Mon 11-Mar-13 10:33:44

What TeaMakes said.

My ex wanted us to go for counselling but I knew that he (chatty and amenable to others) would make it look like I was some awful harridan and I wouldn't get a word in. Then he would think it was all fixed and I would have been back to putting up with his controlling, abusive behaviour forever.

You need to go to CAB and see what can be done to get him out, or for you to be able to move out.

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