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To say I didnt want to...

(42 Posts)
CocacolaMum Sun 10-Mar-13 11:14:48

Bit of background.. My aunt (mums younger sister) lives abroad with her husband and after years (20ish) of ttc and quite a lot of IVF they found that after 2 mc she was unable to carry a baby so now that they are mid 40's they have resigned themselves sadly to never being anyones biological parent. I say it like this because just before they emigrated they took me, dh and dc's to florida for a farewell holiday and sat me down at the end of it and told me that they had always thought of me as their non bio daughter.. Its complicated but they have always acted more like my mum and dad than my own parents so of course I felt the same

Anyway, my sisters messaged me to ask whether I would put some money toward ordering flowers to be sent from my aunts angel babies. The plan she had was not to tell her, just have them turn up out of the blue..

I said no thank you. I really think that she would have found today hard enough and although I can see where the thought was coming from I just didn't think it was a good idea.

Cue LOTS of foot stomping and now I am in the dog house for peeing on their bonfire! AIBU to just want to send a quiet message to my aunt thanking her for being so wonderful and telling her I am thinking of her rather than what they had in mind?!?

lotsofcheese Sun 10-Mar-13 11:18:20

I agree with your approach. It's sensitive & caring.

Many people sent me flowers just after miscarriages. I found it a bit sad, as they died eventually, just like my babies hmm

YouTheCat Sun 10-Mar-13 11:18:47

If your sisters want to do that then that is up to them. Your message sounds thoughtful.

Let them strop.

fluckered Sun 10-Mar-13 11:19:20

yanbu. you should message your aunt how you feel you would like to. no one can say how your aunt would take those surprise flowers ... my gut would tell me at first i'd be very upset, a physical reminder of them not actually being from her own kids but after a while may appreciate the thought i dont know. but you do what you feel is best and dont be railroaded into your sister's idea. tell her thanks but no thanks you have something else in mind. good luck.

buggerama Sun 10-Mar-13 11:19:25

YANBU, thats so crass in my opinion to be sending flowers from angel babies. Totally heavy handed when like you say a message or phone call to say she wonderful and you are thinking of her is much more subtle and appropriate

fluckered Sun 10-Mar-13 11:20:01

oh lotsofcheese hugs

flangledoodle Sun 10-Mar-13 11:21:22

YANBU. Don't like the sound of your sister's plan at all - would make me feel uncomfortable. I hate it when you get sucked into other people's plans then made to feel bad if you don't comply. Your plan sounds much more sensitive.

diddl Sun 10-Mar-13 11:21:29

I think that you can do what you want, as can your sisters.

Without knowing your Aunt though, it's impossible to say whether she would appreciate your sisters gesture or not.

CocacolaMum Sun 10-Mar-13 11:24:26

lotsofcheese so sorry for your loss x I think she would feel exactly as you said about the flowers!!

ivanapoo Sun 10-Mar-13 11:26:15

You could try to persuade them to send flowers to "the best aunt as there's no auntie day"?

qazxc Sun 10-Mar-13 11:29:39

YANBU. you have explained to your sister why you thought it wasn't a good idea. If she disagrees and wants to go ahead it is up to her, she shouldn't try and railroad you into something that you do not feel comfortable with.

PoppadomPreach Sun 10-Mar-13 11:31:52

I think you are 100% right. For me, surprise flowers from one of your "angel babies" would be horrifically painful - it just draws attention to th bereavement on a day where it is probably particularly painful. Far, far more appropriate to send flowers to say "the best auntie in the world" on Mother's Day.

CecilyP Sun 10-Mar-13 11:35:21

I think your sisters' suggestion sounds a bit ghoulish; it makes me feel really uncomfortable. So you are far from being unreasonable not to go along with it. There is no knowing how that would go down with your aunt. OTOH, your suggestion of telling your aunt you are thinking of her, how much you love her and how she has been like a second mum to you, is a lovely one which, I am sure, will really be appreciated.

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 10-Mar-13 11:42:50

Bloody hell, YANBU.

I agree it sounds ghoulish and crass. What on earth is your sisters thought process behind that idea? I'm sure it's come from somewhere with the best of intentions, but she needs pointing out to her that sending flowers on behalf of your aunts passed children is likely to be upsetting in the extreme and frankly just rubbing salt in the wound.

CocacolaMum Sun 10-Mar-13 14:20:46

Well I got a lovely message asking why I "always had to put a downer on things" so I presume they are marching ahead. I have asked her if she MUST send flowers then to at least not address them in the way she suggested, I just think it would be a bit of a shock out of the blue.

catgirl1976 Sun 10-Mar-13 14:27:43

I've had 2 MCs and if someone sent me flowers from those babies I would find it upsetting and odd

I am sure your DSis is coming from a nice place but YANBU to not want any part of it

NatashaBee Sun 10-Mar-13 14:30:36

I think it would be much nicer to send her flowers and say 'thanks for being like a mum to me' or similar. Your sister's idea sounds, well, odd.

Cooroo Sun 10-Mar-13 14:32:55

I had never heard of 'angel babies' before and had to google it. It is a hideous concept. OK for the mother, I suppose, if it comforts her. But why rub it in? A miscarriage is a tragedy, but it's a pregnancy that for whatever reason could not continue to full term. Not a dead child. IMHO.

Agree with an earlier poster - send flowers from yourselves, so say you love her and are sorry how things have turned out.

twentythirteen Sun 10-Mar-13 14:34:30

I've had 3 mc's (no children) and would hate this, it would upset me beyond words. Please show your sisters this thread. Your aunt might be different, she might like the gesture but I think it would crush me for a little bit.

EuroShaggleton Sun 10-Mar-13 15:08:27

I'm waiting to mc at the moment having been told my baby is not developing. If anyone sent me flowers from my dead foetus I would be shoving them where the sun doesn't shine. It's a hideous idea.

Pandemoniaa Sun 10-Mar-13 15:10:36

It's a horribly insensitive idea. YANBU OP. Just compassionate and sensible.

sarahtigh Sun 10-Mar-13 15:16:30

my brother died when he was 5 I think if we arranged to send my mum something from him, she would be upset and very very annoyed,

my sisters and I give her presents flowers card but never ever would I dream of putting my brother's name on anything it would be really insensitive

BridgetBidet Sun 10-Mar-13 16:10:42

Gosh no. That's horrible. Send some flowers from yourself, that would be lovely. But the 'angel babies' idea is just vile.

aldiwhore Sun 10-Mar-13 16:16:48

Hmmm YANBU. The mum's I know who've lost babies, and have their own rituals of rememberance would be horrified if someone took it upon themselves to speak for their lost children.

There's nothing wrong with your approach, and everything right with it, make a fuss of her for who she is to YOU. (I have 'my other mother' too) But never speak for those not here... YANBU.

I personally think your sister's are being well intentioned but utterly utterly thoughtless and could cause a great deal of anger, grief, and upset.

I'd reply to your sister's text in 'brass tacs' (don't involved your aunt in this) and simply say "I am sorry, your intentions are good, I love you, but I feel it's disresepectful to speak FOR the dead... it would crush me, and I won't be part of it".

Yfronts Sun 10-Mar-13 16:22:46

you are 100% in the right. I say this as some one who has had M/C's and trouble conceiving.

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