aibu to think my friend has not got hints about my feelings?

(69 Posts)
japonicabumsplatt Wed 06-Mar-13 16:34:26

This may well turn into a forest fire but I am going to try anyway to navigate this without alienating too many people.
A woman I have known for about 5 years now who has a DS1 the same age as my DD2. She also has a 2 year old. She is a few years older than me and no2 is likely her last.
I had a hysterectomy when DD2 was 3. Though the far side of 30 , I knew no more pregnancies were viable. Got on with things, though internally I can feel bereft from time to time. The what ifs of it but don't really bring to conversations, it is what it is. Nothing can be changed but I am experiencing a sadness in a way.
Woman is very involved in breast feeding stuff. Recently it has gotten all consuming for her. She shows me photos of her and friends breast feeding or she is feeding DD2 in the middle of the playground, walking down the road. It seems an endless activity as well as constantly discussing how much he loves it, how much they love falling asleep with him feeding. It is begining to feel painful in a clumsy way. I have been on the point of telling her but feel that it would sound like bitterness and I am sure there are those here who will say the same. Despite showing no interest whatsoever when she starts on the subject, she doesn't seem to be getting my silence or blank face. There is nothing we have in common anymore and it feels so one sided.
Do I tell her? Am I simply jealous? Do I remain shutted up?

japonicabumsplatt Fri 08-Mar-13 13:16:28

She is a very needy person, if that makes sense. she needs to be needed but does not give much in any real sense. i think i am sick of giving and not receiving when circumstances demand it. if anything is about her, then it is to the exclusion of everything else. not sure what will happen to her when the bf comes to its natural end, though sure she will have something else to do.
she is doing counselling at themoment....it did make me roll my eyes a bit. she is not a listener

quesadilla Fri 08-Mar-13 12:10:41

To be honest reading between the lines from what you say, she sounds very self-centred and my guess is if it wasn't breast feeding it would be something else. Maybe you are getting tired of her for reasons unrelated to your sensitivities on this subject. Someone who only talks about breast feeding sounds dull beyond belief tbh and I think you would be quite reasonable to dump anyone that dull based on that alone, regardless of your own perfectly valid sensitivities. The fact that she thinks it appropriate to bang on about something like this without it crossing her mind that it might be tactless suggests she is not only dull but very selfish. I think you need to ask yourself some fairly searching questions about why she is a friend at all.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 08-Mar-13 11:55:17

Japonica smile Glad to have helped a little bit.

Yes, your feelings matter and you have every right to voice them. Your friend sounds a bit inaccessible, in her bfing bubble. I hope she can hear you when you do let her know.

japonicabumsplatt Fri 08-Mar-13 11:49:16

Lemon thats it in a nutshell. Thank you. I think what you have said covers it for me. Disappointed that she hadn't worked it out in a way, I had credited her with a bit more empathy than she possibly has. But I was afraid of being too harsh but then I must be more honest about how I feel. My feelings do matter and I should feel confident enough to voice them.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 08-Mar-13 11:32:38

Tell her. Say, "I have a lot of sadness around not being able to have another child. I'd be really grateful if we could talk about subjects other than breast feeding. *It hurts my feelings*" - really spell it out.

If you don't feel you should have to do this, avoid her and let the friendship slide. If you do say something but she doesn't honour your request, do the same.

This isn't really about bfing. It's about one friend being totally oblivious of another's feelings.

japonicabumsplatt Fri 08-Mar-13 09:08:00

jaime i jusst think the topic of bf'ing can be explosive. i didn't want anyone to think that I was being provocative. it was more about feeling a bit down about no more kids, and this person and her endless banging on. i was just a bit worried that it would be misinterpreted. thankfully, people have understood what I was trying to get my head roud

MrsLouisTheroux Fri 08-Mar-13 08:28:17

extreme BF grin

MrsLouisTheroux Fri 08-Mar-13 08:26:27

TBH I would feel the same and I haven't had a hysterectomy.
She sounds boring and irritating and I would find it difficult to be around her.
I actually wouldn't say anything unless you want her to gush a load of 'oh poor you, blah blah' at you.
Keep up changing the subject!

NoTimeForS Fri 08-Mar-13 05:51:23

If she is leading the local breastfeeding group, then at the moment it is a big part of her life and she probably wants to talk about it.
Fair enough -you find it boring. But I think you have to accept that not everyone would be sensitive to the fact that this may also be a difficult subject for you, in addition to a tedious one.
If you value the friendship, spell it out to her. Give her the chance to adapt.

Jengnr Fri 08-Mar-13 05:21:09

Flame her!

Tell her if you had another you would ff because (make some shit up) and waych her go off like a rocket.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 07-Mar-13 17:53:06

she's not even worth it

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 07-Mar-13 17:52:40

I agree with babanouche.

When people suggest talking to her you have said "yes, but...."

If you talk to her and she is still oblivious, 6then^ I'd back away, but she isn't a mind-reader.

Either that or you decide she's so irritating nit is not even worth it.

Out of interest, why did you think you'd alienate people, as you say in your OP?

BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound Thu 07-Mar-13 14:53:24

Why not start telling her about the history of toilet roll every time you see her. Every time she stirs the conversation away from toilet roll,quickly divert it back.

babanouche Thu 07-Mar-13 14:18:47

japonica, what is it you want here then? Either you speak to your friend about how much she's annoying you or you cut her out of your life. You don't seem bothered about saving the friendship tbh.

japonicabumsplatt Thu 07-Mar-13 14:16:11

Breastfeeding is an important thing that we should all value. but for the love of god, please, try to imagine there are others in the world for whom the subject is tiresome. it might also make you sound like you have gone gently round the bend.
it will be bring a mirror to look at your fanny party next.

japonicabumsplatt Thu 07-Mar-13 14:13:49

extreme breast feeding. scarlet I am wondering when she will want it in the olympics.

Feminine Thu 07-Mar-13 14:13:14

Oh how these threads change.

I was glad to read that most responses were that YANBU. In my opinion you are not either.

Breastfeeding, even if (like me) you have done 6 yrs of it, becomes rather uninteresting after one stops. Your friend is a bore, I think remembering that while she preaches will help you stay calm.

I'd also (by now) be tempted to tell her its boring.

Its bound to be another stab at your heart when she goes on, she should give it a rest.

scarletforya Thu 07-Mar-13 14:10:36

Oh God. YANBU

Can you not just blank her?

I know two people like this, breastfeeding as a sport. I just avoid.

japonicabumsplatt Thu 07-Mar-13 14:08:43

When i asked if that were possible for a woman post menopause or without uterus and all the rest, to breast feed or produce mikl she went a bit sort of off subject. never did get a full answer to that one

japonicabumsplatt Thu 07-Mar-13 14:06:22

eaves, she talks about nothing else. I chat with many other women on the topic. they also bring other things to the conversation apart from bfing.
Which is I think obviously different from a friend experiencing the end of their marriage. the two subjects are very very different.
divorce is distressing and painful
bf'ing isn't
a friends distress is a priority and would be a priority for me
bf'ing doesn't really make it up there on the chart.
your point falls a little flat.

PopeBenedictsP45 Thu 07-Mar-13 14:05:08

She wants you to bf your (non existent) grandchild?!

She is bonkers. I would have to say something but from what you've said I think she is so far invested in bfing that she will think you're being hostile or simply ignore you.

eavesdropping Thu 07-Mar-13 13:59:38

Of course I support BF'ing....but what is it actively to do with my life and children at the moment? How interested am I going to be beyond. Thats nice, yes indeed, healthy thing for all...!?

So are you only interested in conversations with friends that actively have something to do with your life and children's stage of life?
If a friend wanted to talk about say, their divorce - but you were happily married - would you automatically feel disinterested?

Hopasholic Thu 07-Mar-13 13:55:13

She shows you photos of her & her friends breastfeedingshock ?
Make her a badge that says 'worlds best breastfeeder' on it. Tell her, now she has the award will she please shut the f*%k up about it.

japonicabumsplatt Thu 07-Mar-13 13:50:55

To say she has misunderstood Patchouli indicates that she has actually thought about anything other than her own piece of the world. I am not quietly stewing, I have given her perhaps too subtle hints but am ready to do a bit of a flounce. i don't want to, but feel exasperated. seh simply isn't tuned in

Dannilion I know she will not do anything without kids so in that respect I haven't mentioned it. Any time I have, she cuddles one of them and tells me I am horrible to ask her to leave them, in a little girl voice. Can you guess her husband is an utter bastard?

enorma, is yours really as fucking irritating as this? She didn't used to be!

Dannilion Thu 07-Mar-13 13:36:03

I think your friend needs a hobby, or something to do other than put her boob in her child's mouth, talk about putting a boob in her child's mouth, take pictures of her boob in her child's mouth or research on the benefit of putting her boob in her child's mouth.

It seems like she may have detached from the rest of her personality, and is entirely focused on this one great thing that she is doing. It's quite saddening really. Could you maybe suggest a night/day out or something without the DC? Maybe just to remind her that she is more than a boob. If she challenges it, you can then say that all she ever talks about is BF and you want to regain some common ground.

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