Young boy committed suicide due to bullying.

(62 Posts)
Lynned Tue 26-Feb-13 08:49:18

In light of the above, whose parents were on Gmtv this morning, aibu to send this message to my Ds' bully.

'What you are doing to Ds on Xbox live is called cyber bullying. It is nasty, and how would you feel to be on the receiving end? I thought you lot were all mates, but sadly it all seems to have gone wrong. If it carries on I will dial 101 and get advice from the police. If it goes on at school I will contact your house master. Feel free to show this to your parents, but somehow I don't think you will. Think about it please, and go back to being the nice chap I know you really are.'

They are 11, and were friends at primary school. I appreciate friendship groups shift, but on Sunday night my Ds was almost physically sick about going back to school. They basically name call, especially as he likes to play Skylanders when they all play Cod. He has cod too, as I caved in to the pressure, andhe plays it at friends houses anyway. I have told him to block the name callers, but apparently they then can join in a game he is playing with another friend.

shewhowines Tue 26-Feb-13 11:25:10

I can't see what the problem is with the text TBH. It wasn't threatening. It outlined the situation and gave the child permission to show their parents. It also ended on a positive note about the child being basically a nice child.

It was a chance for the child to address the situation before it was escalated to school/parents and could potentially have saved the child getting into further trouble.

Put that behind you now. The parents are aware. Get the school involved. Explain the above to both and ask how you move on from here.

I agree that you need recorded evidence so voice record/video DS when he plays on it. Would probably be better if he stops xbox live altogether though.

Keep on at the school and insist on them sorting the problem out at school - involving meetings with bullies parents too. Not sure what they can do about the xbox; that's outside school. Perhaps reiterate to the parents that you will take that to the police if it doesn't stop but i'd stop xbox live first I think, so remove that problem.

Lynned Tue 26-Feb-13 11:26:40

He's blocked one of the other boys, but they can be brought back in by other people. So they chip in on games he's playing with his other friends.

I am going to let the school take the lead. I am not sure whether to fess up and let the school know about the message I sent, or just leave it alone. Also do I contact boys mum, apologise and try to explain what I was trying to do, even though I explained to the dad, who didn't seem to want to listen?

cherrycarpet Tue 26-Feb-13 11:55:03

I hope you get this sorted soon. Horrible situation for you and your son. My eldest DS is also 11 and Yr 6 is proving to be tricky for him. He's small for his age and seems to be getting the brunt of the bully's venom at the moment. Mainly verbal but a bit physical too. I've been into school a few times in the last few months and spoken to the Head and his teacher about what's going on. At least it is formally documented and the staff are aware of what's going on. Hopefully they have spoken to the children concerned as it seems to have died down a bit at the moment.

I have learnt (from bitter experience) not to approach the other children or the parents directly. I have tried this with the parents in the past and it just escalated things and the parents were either very defensive or in denial that their DC could be so vile. Sooo... The other thing I'm trying to do is equip my son with techniques to deal with their offensive behaviour. We're reading a book called 'Bullies, Bigmouths and So-called Friends' by Jenny Alexander and I would highly recommend it.

The other main thing is to keep communicating with your son to make sure he's coping OK. We don't have an Xbox live and your post has certainly given me another reason not to get one!

Given your situation I would definitely go into school and definitely mention names but explain that the Dad didn't want you to do that! Good luck....

livinginwonderland Tue 26-Feb-13 11:57:27

you need to turn off x-box live. it's not kid-friendly. let your DS play on his own against the game, and let him have his friends round and they can play multiplayer. if the bullying is happening online, you need to be seen to have taken steps to stop it happening again (ie, turning off the online bit of the game).

i think i would have gone to the parents before sending a message to an 11 year old boy, but what's done is done. the parents are aware of what's happened, so give them a chance to sort it out before you goto the school. the dad was angry because his child got accused of being a bully - it's not a nice thing for any parent to hear. give them a chance to sort it out as a family, and then, if nothing changes, go the school. the police should be a last resort in my opinion.

I think I'd possibly tell school I'd sent a message to child as I was upset and wanted the bullying to stop. Say that you hope you were reasonable in what you put but aren't sure now whether you should have done so ?
- Something along those lines anyway ....

Then concentrate on telling them what's been going on for your DS.

There's not necessarily much to be gained from discussing situation with the Mum, especially as she was meant to be livid or some such. Though it is an option I guess.

See what school can do to help is my advice. And I don't think I'd let my DS continue playing with the X-box either if he was having these sort of experiences through it ? Surely he could do something else - like see his real friends in RL ?

Lynned Tue 26-Feb-13 12:06:12

Cherry carpet, sorry to hear that, year 6 is indeed a tough year. It's hard knowing just how to deal with it, or let dcs handle it for themselves. However my Ds is very unhappy, and making himself ill. Settling in to secondary school is tough enough without someone from your primary school bullying you. Yes definately steer clear of x box live, and if he has a Facebook account, which used correctly is fun, make sure you are friends with him so you can keep an eye on it.

For what it's worth, I think the parents would have reacted the same if I had approached them directly, which is why I left them out of it in the first place!

penelopepissstop Tue 26-Feb-13 12:57:13

Dad's probably in denial by the sounds of it. Why would any parent do what you have unless it were true?
Next time go straight to the school or parents. Dealing with kids that aren't our own is always a minefield.

sleepychunky Tue 26-Feb-13 13:00:51

Lynned I'm really sorry to hear about what's been happening to your DS. Please can I suggest you give Kidscape a ring - they have some amazing advice both for you as a parent and for your son. They also run free sessions for children to teach them skills which will help.

Lynned Tue 26-Feb-13 13:03:38

I did tell the dad it wasn't the first time he'd bullied Ds and I had had to go to school before. It took the wind out of his sails a bit. What I also forgot to mention, that this is the charming child who called Ds names because he had a rucksack rather than a messenger bag. I dutifully went and bought the ' right' bag, and he told my Ds it's about fucking timeangry

Lynned Tue 26-Feb-13 13:29:54

Thanks sleepychunky, I've just spotted it on the www.gov website. Love your user name by the way, always wonder how mumsnetters choose user names!

JenaiMorris Tue 26-Feb-13 14:01:48

I did tell the dad it wasn't the first time he'd bullied Ds and I had had to go to school before. It took the wind out of his sails a bit.

I bet.

I don't want to go into too much detail but we had a confrontation with a father who was adamant that our son had been bullying his (so a reverse situation but bear with me!).

Now that the truth has come out the father has gone strangely quiet.

BruisedFanjo Tue 26-Feb-13 16:04:01

I'm pretty sure you can report players to Microsoft and they listen in and can ban players based on their investigations. This will also let the bullys parents know you were telling the truth and they won't be happy with junior - especially if they're paying for his subscription. It will also hit the bully where it hurts, he (like most of the peer group) will really care about being left out of online time. If Microsoft ban him, it won't be up to mum n dad to reinstate little darlings Xbox privileges, he will have to keep a clean record to Microsoft after his bans lifted.

If school aren't helpful the case you then have with Microsoft is proof you can present to the police if you need to go that far.

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