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To sound panicked when my child is rushed into hospital

(133 Posts)
TeeBee Fri 22-Feb-13 16:28:58

Okay, your views please ladies. My children had both gone off to a half term activity this morning and whilst there my eldest got his finger trapped in the hinge of a door. The course leader had tried to get hold of me but the message had gone straight through to voice mail because the signal is pretty crap where we live. Anyway, he then tried to call a few of the other parents who knew us so someone could come and pick him up. Anyway, one of the parents finally managed to get through to my husband at work, who then called me. This time my phone actually rang and he told me that DS had been taken to hospital by a friend of ours. Cue me going 'oh, fucking hell' and scrabbling to get my shoes on to go and get to the hospital. His response was to shout 'listen to me, listen to me, stop over-reacting. I can go. Don't tell me I can't handle this'. (which I never once said at all). I told him it was nothing to do with him, it was about me wanting to be with my child when he has been taken into hospital. He continued to argue the toss as to why I was over-reacting, whilst I continued picking stuff up and getting into my car. Sorry, but does anyone think I was overreacting to say what I said and rush to see my child who had been taken into hospital. I really can't see how I was over-reacting. He, however, made the whole experience so much more stressful than it needed to me by being an utter arse. He has really pissed me off over this.

Bobyan Sat 23-Feb-13 14:02:41

In reality the Op's posts are all about an underlying issue with her Dh and not really about the injury to the child.

I can unfortunately speak from experience, that what Mrs DV is saying is true, parents of very sick children hold it together in public because to not to would upset the child they want to protect.

cory Sat 23-Feb-13 14:02:29

sorry, didn't realise thread had moved on

I agree that there is no point in beating ourselves up over times when we haven't reacted perfectly

I just felt that if somebody always has the same reactions (like my dad) and it always makes life more difficult for people in trouble, then I for one wouldn't like to feel they are taking this as a positive sign of their great love rather than as something to be conquered

it is not positive for the somewhat older child who is reluctant to tell the adult of a problem because they have countless memories of earlier freakings out

spent last summer at my dad's with a teen with mh problems who would not allow her grandfather to be told "because I can't bear his sad face"

she returned considerably more ill than she left

I remember those feelings from my childhood, not wanting to show an injury or tell about illness, because the reaction caused much more stress around us

Bosgrove Sat 23-Feb-13 14:01:46

The bit that makes me thin that the OP is being a bit unreasonable with regards to her husband, is when in a later post she says that he broke a childs leg "by landing on it", that sounds like an accident to me, a father wouldn't break a childs leg on purpose (and if he would the children shouldn't be living with him).

It is like me saying that DH threw DD1 down the stairs and broke her leg in three places, what actually happened was he was carrying her down stairs when they both fell, he broke his ribs and she broke her leg in 3 places. It was an accident. The fact it happened to him and not me was just pure chance and doesn't make me a better parent than him.

Sirzy Sat 23-Feb-13 14:00:48

I do think people learn to cope to an extend. Thankfully we have never had anything to the extent mrs Devere has but DS was first in hopsital at 8 weeks old and when your asked "has he been christened" you soon realise how bad things are. He is 3 now and has had over 30 a and e trips a lot ending up on the ward. When it's part of life you have to cope, if I panic DS will and that makes things worse for everyone. Inside you can be a mess but you have to hide that side from children.

I think the post which suggested that panicing shows you love your child was, unintentionally, quite disrespectful because part of being a parent is protecting your child from your concerns.

cory Sat 23-Feb-13 13:57:03

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 23-Feb-13 13:18:44
"Well..you know him well...but I wouldn't assume he cared less just because he couldn't be a stoic person "

I knew he didn't care less but he made my life more difficult at times when I needed support.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 23-Feb-13 13:43:13

Thank you thanksgrin

MrsDeVere Sat 23-Feb-13 13:41:16

You shouldn't feel bad and I expect that you have coped a great deal better than you think you have.

None of us tend to give ourselves the credit we deserve. Which is why, if I am honest, the tone of the OP wound me up a bit.

It seemed a bit self congratulatory that she was so panicky she must surely be the better parent.

If you feel you have not coped as well as you should have, to me that means you have very high standards and you may not have been able to reach them.

Not that you are a selfish parent who is only thinking about themselves.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 23-Feb-13 13:37:04

Have to say my DH is super competent with DD though

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 23-Feb-13 13:35:44

Ok..maybe I skim read too much. Guess I am just sensitive as I haven't always coped as well as I could have.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 23-Feb-13 13:34:14

I certainly know you are very sympathetic. My point was that its not always easy to be the adult even if you know its best for the child. But yes, clearly we should strive for that.

MrsDeVere Sat 23-Feb-13 13:33:47

fanjo I think it was more about the way she dismissed her OH as an idiot.
Like she was the only one capable and loving enough to deal with it all.
And the 'rushed to hospital' was overly dramatic. Her child hurt his hand and he was eventually driven to A&E by a friend.

There was no rushing involved until she got the phone call.

MrsDeVere Sat 23-Feb-13 13:31:36

puzzle I am sorry about your DD's illness. I hope that she is well soon.
I suspect you are keyed up for the same reasons that I am.

You are probably right though. I think I have spent too much time on this thread already.

I don't want anyone to think I have anything but sympathy for any parent whose child is sick or injured. It doesn't matter to me how minor or major the incident is. Parents will worry.

I have a lot of personal and professional experience in this area. It does the child no favours to have a panicky parent.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 23-Feb-13 13:30:33

Many others were uber critical of the OP calling her a selfish drama queen etc though. Which I disagree with.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 23-Feb-13 13:29:25

Yes I agree

MrsDeVere Sat 23-Feb-13 13:26:41

But its hard for everyone.
I find it incredibly hard, particularly now. If one of the DCs gets ill or injured I want to rush around screaming 'please don't die, please, please don't die'
I always have a bag ready 'just in case'. I know how to lay my hands on everything I need for a three day stay in hospital and I will take this with me for any visit to A&E (how fucked up is that?).

Feeling panicky, feeling upset is natural and understandable.

Its not about being stoic. Its about being the adult and pushing all that crap out of the way until it is safe to let it out.

I do not think people care less if they are upset. I just don't think they care more if they rush out the door without shutting the fridge or putting a coat on.

Everyone loves their kids.

EllaFitzgerald Sat 23-Feb-13 13:24:10

I do understand why you'd want to rush there. However, from what you've said, it sounds like he feels you've got no confidence in him or his ability to deal with situations. Have you ever told him or intimated to him before that he can't deal with things as well as you do?

PuzzleRocks Sat 23-Feb-13 13:21:52

MrsDeVere

My daughter has a minor long term (thankfully easily treated) disease for which we spent a day in A&E this week and reading this thread left me quite keyed up. I can't begin to imagine how you feel. I'm really not sure what I am trying to say but I hope you aren't giving it the head space it doesn't deserve.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 23-Feb-13 13:18:44

Well..you know him well...but I wouldn't assume he cared less just because he couldn't be a stoic person

cory Sat 23-Feb-13 13:14:58

I suppose I am thinking about it from the viewpoint of the child- and I did use to judge my dad (much as I loved him). Being ill or in pain and feeling you have to protect somebody else who isn't is not a pleasant position to be in. I was angry with him because I had to waste my strength on being brave for his sake.

kelda Sat 23-Feb-13 13:14:55

FanjoForTheMammaries I understand that. It is incredibly hard to remain calm, and it doesn't make you a bad parent if you start panicking.

Everyone reacts differently to that rush of adrenaline and it can be incredibly difficult to overcome that.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 23-Feb-13 13:11:51

Sorry..that was epic..am on a train.

What I am saying is..we are all different, don't judge people harshly for not being able to hold it together

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 23-Feb-13 13:10:31

When I was stressing it wasnt making it all about me..was doing my best to be calm for DD but it proved difficult. No way am I a drama queen in that way.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 23-Feb-13 13:08:46

My DH acts arsey in those situations too. We just move on afterwards and accept we were both stressed.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 23-Feb-13 13:07:11

My child has been seriously unwell and lost all her speech and some motor skills. We were told it was progressive. .which thankfully was wrong. At that time I wasnt very calm and found it hard to hold it together.

When my DD hurt her finger and had to go to hospital I was quite stressed too.

Doesn't mean I care for her less. Just that I am less strong in some circumstances. .we are all products or our upbringing.

MrsDeVere Sat 23-Feb-13 12:48:36

Fut I agree with that.

Because when things are really important you have to grow up.
I do not think I ever saw an oncology parent freak out in front of their child. I saw them in despair and cry in a toilet or cupboard.
I saw them wash their faces and come out smiling and laughing.

They can be demanding with medics. I can't dispute that. But its about specific issues not a general 'but MY CHILD IS SICK!!!! Look at MEEEE' sort of way.

You just do not have the energy. There are far too many dramas without adding to them.

I did do the majority of the care for DD but she was 12-14 and DH had to keep his job because I had to stop working.
This meant when he did take over for a while he didn't know the score like I did. He is not a buffoon. He also drops stuff and trips over kids but he has MS so it is to be expected.

He was perfectly capable, given the information he needed, to care for DD just as well as I. He proved this by sharing her care when she finally came home to die.

How vile that people assume that only mothers have the instinct to care for a child.

If he had acted like a headless chicken everytime she had a crisis I would have been as angry as the OP's partner.

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