to be upset about dh not clearing up hot chocolate - so trivial, so annoying

[LargeLatte]

Weekend before last I was working upstairs while dh looked after dc. DS1(7) knocked over hot choc on table. DH called up asking what to do, so I gave instructions on what I use to clean table, where cloths etc are kept. I don't think I specificly said 'can you check if its gone on the carpet, and then clean that' but surely if something is all over a table and running down the sides, you naturally check the carpet as well.

Last night I sat on the sofa and noticed a sour milk smell. Put light on and hot choc is dried all down side of sofa, and on carpet under table. Hadn't seen it before as don't sit on sofa until night time when light's not great there.

DH says didn't know what to do so he'd just left it for me.

This has tipped me to the point of dispair. It is only hot chocolate, but honestly was it too much to ask for dh and ds1 to clear it up together?

[yaimee]

Erm, no, it isn't too much to ask. Why on earth doesn't he know where the cloths are kept?

[yaimee]

and why doesn't he know how to wipe up a spilled drink, are you married to a toddler?

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

If your DH does not know how to clean up spilt hot chocolate he has a serious problem.

More like he can't be arsed!!

[RudolphLovesoftplay]

No, it most certainly was not too much to ask, I would be cross as well. I think it's odd he had to call you to ask how to clean it up from the table in the first place. And you had to tell him where the cloths were does he not do any cleaning normally?

[MrsBethel]

I'd be livid.

[Pilgit]

a grown man doesn't know how to clean that up? WTF? YANBU. at the very least he should have told you he hadn't done it! He should have asked how. Not silly - he is a grown up and should equip himself with some life skills. I would be livid.

[fuzzysnout]

LTB

[CailinDana]

It is seriously weird that a grown man would ask how to clean up a spill and then leave it for you to clean up because he didn't know what to do! Surely he's had to live on his own at some point in his life? How can an adult not know how to clean something up??

[Hullygully]

is he four?

[CailinDana]

Hully - my DS is two and he knows where cloths are kept and can clean up spills!

[3birthdaybunnies]

Ah but then you would be depriving them of the fun of a father and son rug doctor activity at the weekend. I have put the same bit of dh's mail into his hands about 6 times, and still he has left it lying around, now it is tucked up on his side of the bed for him to deal with tonight, passive aggressive moi?

[Adamit]

oh i'd be mad as hell. idiot hadnt even the cop to say" oh i didnt see it" but said he left it for you????? feckin cheek!

i'd be spilling something with milk on his fav football jersey or coat and say you didnt know how to clean it!

[JohnBender88]

Is he able to wipe his own arse or does he leave that for you to do?

[Justforlaughs]

I'm more worried about your comment "this has tipped me to point of despair". This suggests that there is more going on than a spilt drink. If your DH is generally helpful etc and this is a one off then I wouldn't get too worried about it, but it sounds like more than that and I think you may need to address whatever is at the back of this.

[LargeLatte]

CailinDana - no he has never lived on his own, and no he is not a grown up. I think that is why this incident has upset me so much, because I have realised he will never grow up.

He knows where the cloths are, but always asks me something before doing anything for himself.

We have lived together for 11 years. I only found out last week that he didn't know how to clean a toilet - 11 years he has been saying (occassionally) that he had cleaned the bathroom - he had never cleaned a toilet.

After ds1 was born, he tried to be helpful and put a wash on but he had to ask me so many questions I really lost it with him - because we had had that washing machine for 2 years and this was the first time he had tried to use it. I don't know why that incident just sticks in my mind.

I am going to have 3 kids forever aren't I? Maybe I should train him up like I am with the kids. Like tonight instead of getting cross about hot chocolate, I will say, let's clean it up together.

[LargeLatte]

Just to clarify - my dc are not this needy - they would help me clear up / know how to do it themselves. If I had been with ds1, he would've helped me do it, but I can understand him taking his cue from dh of a shrug of the shoulders and mum will do it later.

[CailinDana]

Is there a reason for all this asking though? Anxiety? Laziness? Unwillingness to do his fair share? A controlling mother?

[CailinDana]

BTW if DH did this I would mock him so much that he would regret it forever more. I would absolutely humiliate the life out of him that he "can't" clean up a spill.

[Absy]

YANBU

As he's clearly incompetent. Or a toddler.

[LargeLatte]

He has never ever had to do anything for himself. When he lived at home his dsm was making his lunch for work even when he was into his 20s because it was her kitchen and she didn't want anything touching. There were rules about the times they could have showers, when they could have the lights on, who was allowed to sit on the sofa (not me), where they could drink a cup of tea (only the kitchen) - everything. He has never adjusted in the sense that now there are no rules like that he really enjoys the freedom of being an adult, but in no way has he taken onboard any of the responsibilities.

And in no way could I discuss this as a cause of current situation as he would get very defensive. Similarly if I mocked him for not being able to clear it up he would go to town on all the things I do badly which would just make me feel awful, and I would still have the mess to clear up, so usually I just keep quiet and get on with it.

I don't know why this one thing has prompted me to question it, but it just seems so obvious that he should've done it himself, and it seems by all your reactions that it was fair to expect him to do it.

Normally I just do it all myself and am grateful for what he does do, and try to ignore what he doesn't - but this has made me realize instead of just getting quietly upset about being the household skivvy, I really need to start training him up like I am with the dc.

[CasperGutman]

Your DMIL sounds like a nightmare; her strange ways seem to explain why he doesn't know how to do the simplest of household chores. From what you say I'm sure if he tried cleaning up a spill his mum would have shoved him out of the way/told him he was doing it wrong, so it's relatively easy to see why he might be worried about doing things wrong and leave it to you.

I think your idea of "training him up" is a good one, TBH. If he's a decent bloke in other ways, he needs to learn to be a decent bloke in this respect too. Be nice to him and don't try to patronise him while training him! He might feel a bit infantilised by the process but this might just help him make more of an effort if he realises how childish he seems.

[Andro]

It's not too much to ask.

I've just about got my head in my hands here, in a few years when my brothers eventually marry their respective wives will be in a similar (but probably worse) situation...neither of them have ever so much as made a cup of coffee! My mother has actively taught them that it is the wife's job to cater to their every need!

[diddl]

TBH, even never living on his own doesn´t excuse not knowing how to mop up a spilled drink.

I mean seriously-he´s never seen it done before?

Couldn´t figure it out for himself??

[LargeLatte]

Oh Andro can you slip little notes of warning into their handbags?

Thanks Casper - he is a great Dad in the sense that is happy to spend time with dc, play with them, do Lego, and read together etc.

I thought that after 10+ years he would've manned up a bit, but looks like I am actually going to have to teach him.

[bigbluebus]

andro be sure to warn the prospective SILs before they agree to marry your brothers, won't you!