to think my cousin is being a totally selfish cow

(84 Posts)
MrsBucketxx Mon 04-Feb-13 07:11:50

bit if a back story my uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer about 6 months ago, and they really dont know how long he has to live etc. (probably about another year at best)

his daughter over christmas go engaged, I thought how lovely she will make it soon so her dad can walk her down the isle even if its a small wedding.

but no she is going to disney to get married in two years ensuring her dad wont be there, as he wont be able to fly even if he is still alive etc.

aibu to think this is really. selfish, denying a dying man of this.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Tue 05-Feb-13 05:49:04

I would judge too. Having the memory of my dad at my wedding is one of my happiest memories of him. However everyone is different, to me it was about joining two two families not everyone thinks like that. Also there can be a lot of denial when someone is terminally ill. Does he seem heathly right now and not really affected? Maybe she hasn't accepted what is going to happen.

His health won't be the biggest barrier in attending, even if he is fine to attend he won't get insurance

feministefatale Tue 05-Feb-13 03:55:45

Actually just remembered you slagged your cousin off on another thread already regarding her choice. You are her cousin, it is fuck all to do with you

feministefatale Tue 05-Feb-13 03:50:26

Maybe she doesn't want him there. Maybe she isn't ready if she is waiting two years It's not really your business.

SirIronBottom Tue 05-Feb-13 02:07:36

For all we know he could have been very insistent indeed about not wanting to be a burden.

Disney wedding = hmm, though. (Any big wedding = hmm).

MechanicalTheatre Tue 05-Feb-13 00:35:54

I would not want to organise a wedding in the space of a year, praying the whole time that my dying father would make it.

What happens if he doesn't? Do they go ahead? Do they cancel?

Let people do their own thing and your life will be far less complicated.

SconeRhymesWithGone Tue 05-Feb-13 00:27:18

FWIW, I am pretty sure that you can have a religious ceremony wedding at Disney, if the particular religion/denomination allows it (not all do). A blessing of a previous marriage is not very common in the US; but a vow renewal ceremony is very close and could probably be adapted. Also Florida, like all US states, does not have the same sharp delineation between a civil and religious marriage as in some other countries, and many denominations will allow a ceremony outside the church and provide a minister.

Tortington Mon 04-Feb-13 22:19:07

she might not want her wedding day to be forever a reminder of her dead dad

holidaysarenice Mon 04-Feb-13 22:12:18

actually i think yabu, she might be finding it hard to have the thought of thinking about a wedding with her dad walking her down the aisle. then her dad might die and she wouldnt have that.

why not give her some support instead of bitching about her.

if he has 'at best a year' then there is no way he will be there either way and that is a lot easier for a bride than one who had her heart set on something perhaps in the church where he may be buried from.

Frankly I think you're more and more unreasonable with every post

I totally disagree with you.

Her plans to marry in two years time at Disney, rather than hurry up a wedding so that a dying man can struggle into a suit and walk her down the isle is not selfish at all. It is common sense. Especially if they are close.

Her father is dying.

A wedding is just a day, what matters is their relationship and marriage, not the wedding, seems to me that your cousin is mature enough to understand this. I bet her dad is mature enough to see this.

Maybe she does not want to combine the wedding with her dying dad, and in years to come look back at her wedding with sorrow?

And what if he were to die before the wedding if they planned for him to give her a day, that would certainly marr the day!

Under the circumstances, a fun Disney wedding would be just the trick to keep my spirits up. grin

MrsBucketxx Mon 04-Feb-13 11:30:59

yes a disney wedding in Florida.

whiteflame Mon 04-Feb-13 11:29:32

You were berating your cousin for denying her DF the opportunity to give her away. I might have agreed with you on denying the opportunity to see her get married, but certainly not about the giving away. Her daughters, granddaughters and great granddaughters certainly won't think her a selfish cow for that reason!

hippo123 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:29:18

and as whiteflame has pointed out you didn't follow the 'tradition' of 'obeying' so are hardly one to talk!

hippo123 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:27:50

*'if you don't like the traditions that come with geting married don't get married' *what a stupid thing to say, I'm quite shocked. Traditions are just traditions, nothing to say you have to do them and by not doing them 'being given away, wearing a wedding ring, changing your surname etc' doesn't mean that you shouldn't get married or a couples marriage means anything less than another couple who did follow the 'traditions'

A Disney wedding?

whiteflame Mon 04-Feb-13 11:23:41

It has everything to do with your first post.

Traditionally women promised to obey their DH as part of the vows. You chose not to, therefore by your own reasoning you should not have got married if you don't like the traditions that come with getting married.

Times change, move with them or be left behind.

gordyslovesheep Mon 04-Feb-13 11:23:34

Maybe she felt by rushing into a wedding she was putting a very small Timetable on the remainder of her fathers life ...but I am sure its between her and her dad x

trustissues75 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:23:20

It seems a little unfair - but how much do you know of the family dynamic? She could be being a selfish girl or there could be other stuff going on that you're not privy to. I would feel the same as you - but it's not your place to say anything at all.

nefertarii Mon 04-Feb-13 11:22:15

You are missing the point op.

Because you think you would do something one way, doesn't mean your cousin is a 'selfish cow' for not doing it your way.

You actually don't know what you would 100% do as you have never been in the exact situation. You don't want to acknowledge that her father possibly doesn't want the wedding to be based around him dying.

You say you could never do it? What about the wishes of the dying relative. Should your cousin get married if she doesn't want to (right now) and her dad does not want her to? Just because you think its the right thing?

You are right though. You can judge all you want. But thinking these horrible things about her makes you quite an unpleasant person, regardless of if you speak up or not.

MrsBucketxx Mon 04-Feb-13 11:19:53

no we had our own vows, but I have a very traditional marriage, and Im not a feminist,

but that has nothing to do with my original post.

whiteflame Mon 04-Feb-13 11:16:04

What rubbish MrsBucket. These traditions do not 'come with' marriage - I'm married, and was not given away. Did you/would you also promise to obey your DH? You certainly do not have to take old, incredibly sexist traditions to have the legal protection of marriage.

The sooner women aren't made to feel bad for denying their dad the opportunity to give them away, the sooner this type of crap will stop.

MrsBucketxx Mon 04-Feb-13 10:58:16

brecon, imagine this he lives for the time they will be aranging this, and he wouldn't be able to go because of the flight etc.

I couldn't do that ever.

biscuit white flame. if you dont like the traditions that come with getting married dont get married.

whiteflame Mon 04-Feb-13 10:45:23

On balance I think you can't comment because you don't know what the whole story is. I think it is unusual that she has chosen to go overseas rather than have her DF there, but maybe she (or her DF) hate the thought of a wedding.

YABU about giving her away. She isn't a possession and has every right not to want to engage in this horrible tradition.

hippo123 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:31:51

YABU, nothing to do with you, maybe getting married at Disney is a life long dream of hers? Maybe your uncle is 100% behind it? My dad never came to my wedding, we get on fine. Wasn't a big deal to me that he wasn't there, maybe its not to your cousin either? Wedding are a very personal thing.

BreconBeBuggered Mon 04-Feb-13 10:17:50

Cancer doesn't always stick to a timetable. DH and I both had uncles who lived on for years longer than expected with a terminal diagnosis. My own father, sadly, died within a few weeks of getting his. Perhaps your uncle simply doesn't want this big day in his daughter's life to be scheduled around his death?

Oh, and don't be too sure your cousin isn't on MN. Nobody outside my household knows I'm here.

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