to think my cousin is being a totally selfish cow

(84 Posts)
MrsBucketxx Mon 04-Feb-13 07:11:50

bit if a back story my uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer about 6 months ago, and they really dont know how long he has to live etc. (probably about another year at best)

his daughter over christmas go engaged, I thought how lovely she will make it soon so her dad can walk her down the isle even if its a small wedding.

but no she is going to disney to get married in two years ensuring her dad wont be there, as he wont be able to fly even if he is still alive etc.

aibu to think this is really. selfish, denying a dying man of this.

Maybe she pushed forward the engagement to please her father, now he knows who she will spend her life with and that there will be someone to take care of her, etc.

I mean, what's a wedding? It's one day. It's the relationship that's important.

I think your view of marriage is a bit old-school tbh. Not everyone dreams of a church wedding with a father walking them down the aisle, people do have long engagements nowadays.

foslady Mon 04-Feb-13 09:43:48

yy to dreaming - maybe it's enough for her dad just to know what her future will be and he doesn't want to be responsible for them marrying before they are ready. He knows her plans and by marrying abroad it won't drag up the 'he wasn't there to walk me down our church aisle'......have you thought this could be your uncles wishes?

LessMissAbs Mon 04-Feb-13 09:44:39

yabu. Perhaps she doesn't want him stressed, perhaps she isn't totally certain about getting married, perhaps she can't afford it yet, perhaps she is worried he will insist on getting involved in the planning and the whole stress of the occasion will bring on his premature death or make him so I'll.

I cannot fathom why you are sticking your nose in. This family probably have enough to cope with with this mans current treatment regime and planning for the future, and quite possibly see planning their own wedding as selfish. People cope with stress differently and yabu totally fir judging them.its a horiffic situation for them to be in.

MrsBucketxx Mon 04-Feb-13 09:46:27

I have not said a word to her or the family,

how is that sticking my nose in, she doesn't use mn,

MrsBucketxx Mon 04-Feb-13 09:49:21

I can judge all I like, as long as I dont open my mouth.

That's a good point Less, if she did push forward the wedding she might have other relatives saying, why is she putting her poor father through all that stress. Whatever she does she will have people judging her, how awful.

TheCatIsEatingIt Mon 04-Feb-13 09:53:41

My dad died of cancer three years ago. Luckily, I was single at the time, so weddings weren't an issue. Dad was a very proud man, his appearance was always immaculate, and he was an excellent speaker; he'd have done the best Father of the Bride speech ever.

I got married last year. It was a long, tiring day, and my mum was at the centre of a crowd all day. She found it emotionally tiring as well as physically tiring. Dad, ill, couldn't have coped with it. He lost most of his hair, and a lot of weight; he went from being a big, imposing man to being very thin and looking ill. He would have been terribly embarrassed to be the centre of attention in that condition, and would have been physically unable to cope with the day. Much of his confidence was a construct; he wouldn't have had the energy to make himself be confident all day. He would have done me proud, and I so wish he had been able to give me away, but I'm glad we didn't have to make the decision at the time.

I think I would have had a very small wedding with Dad there, I couldn't have planned it knowing he wouldn't be there, but it would have been so hard.

Benby Mon 04-Feb-13 10:02:06

Hi girls,
Just as another look at it. My dad is dead 12 years now. I'm married 5 years and have 2 dd's if my father was still alive I would not be married and I certainly would not have children. My dad abused me once when I was about 8 but he never stopped trying to do it again. He would often grab me while messing about but I knew what he was trying to do. Anyway he was an alcoholic as well and a typical street angel house devil. If my father was still alive I would not have got married as I would have to have him at the wedding and giving me away and that wouldn't have happened and I would never have children around him either.
No one in our extended family knew about what my father done to me and even my mother and brother conviently forgot when he got sick and died he suddenly became a saint.
My point is even as family no one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors and your cousin obviously has her reasons just as I would have had mine.

Chunderella Mon 04-Feb-13 10:07:33

Dreaming that was my thought too. They might have got engaged sooner than they otherwise would've done, in order to please her dad.

I don't agree with you OP, but I don't think you're BU necessarily. Because I wonder if the wedding is really what you're upset about. Could it be that you're very angry about your uncle being ill and you're venting your anger elsewhere? It sounds like you're very fond of him. It must be hard to be told you'll lose a beloved uncle soon.

BreconBeBuggered Mon 04-Feb-13 10:17:50

Cancer doesn't always stick to a timetable. DH and I both had uncles who lived on for years longer than expected with a terminal diagnosis. My own father, sadly, died within a few weeks of getting his. Perhaps your uncle simply doesn't want this big day in his daughter's life to be scheduled around his death?

Oh, and don't be too sure your cousin isn't on MN. Nobody outside my household knows I'm here.

hippo123 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:31:51

YABU, nothing to do with you, maybe getting married at Disney is a life long dream of hers? Maybe your uncle is 100% behind it? My dad never came to my wedding, we get on fine. Wasn't a big deal to me that he wasn't there, maybe its not to your cousin either? Wedding are a very personal thing.

whiteflame Mon 04-Feb-13 10:45:23

On balance I think you can't comment because you don't know what the whole story is. I think it is unusual that she has chosen to go overseas rather than have her DF there, but maybe she (or her DF) hate the thought of a wedding.

YABU about giving her away. She isn't a possession and has every right not to want to engage in this horrible tradition.

MrsBucketxx Mon 04-Feb-13 10:58:16

brecon, imagine this he lives for the time they will be aranging this, and he wouldn't be able to go because of the flight etc.

I couldn't do that ever.

biscuit white flame. if you dont like the traditions that come with getting married dont get married.

whiteflame Mon 04-Feb-13 11:16:04

What rubbish MrsBucket. These traditions do not 'come with' marriage - I'm married, and was not given away. Did you/would you also promise to obey your DH? You certainly do not have to take old, incredibly sexist traditions to have the legal protection of marriage.

The sooner women aren't made to feel bad for denying their dad the opportunity to give them away, the sooner this type of crap will stop.

MrsBucketxx Mon 04-Feb-13 11:19:53

no we had our own vows, but I have a very traditional marriage, and Im not a feminist,

but that has nothing to do with my original post.

nefertarii Mon 04-Feb-13 11:22:15

You are missing the point op.

Because you think you would do something one way, doesn't mean your cousin is a 'selfish cow' for not doing it your way.

You actually don't know what you would 100% do as you have never been in the exact situation. You don't want to acknowledge that her father possibly doesn't want the wedding to be based around him dying.

You say you could never do it? What about the wishes of the dying relative. Should your cousin get married if she doesn't want to (right now) and her dad does not want her to? Just because you think its the right thing?

You are right though. You can judge all you want. But thinking these horrible things about her makes you quite an unpleasant person, regardless of if you speak up or not.

trustissues75 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:23:20

It seems a little unfair - but how much do you know of the family dynamic? She could be being a selfish girl or there could be other stuff going on that you're not privy to. I would feel the same as you - but it's not your place to say anything at all.

gordyslovesheep Mon 04-Feb-13 11:23:34

Maybe she felt by rushing into a wedding she was putting a very small Timetable on the remainder of her fathers life ...but I am sure its between her and her dad x

whiteflame Mon 04-Feb-13 11:23:41

It has everything to do with your first post.

Traditionally women promised to obey their DH as part of the vows. You chose not to, therefore by your own reasoning you should not have got married if you don't like the traditions that come with getting married.

Times change, move with them or be left behind.

A Disney wedding?

hippo123 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:27:50

*'if you don't like the traditions that come with geting married don't get married' *what a stupid thing to say, I'm quite shocked. Traditions are just traditions, nothing to say you have to do them and by not doing them 'being given away, wearing a wedding ring, changing your surname etc' doesn't mean that you shouldn't get married or a couples marriage means anything less than another couple who did follow the 'traditions'

hippo123 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:29:18

and as whiteflame has pointed out you didn't follow the 'tradition' of 'obeying' so are hardly one to talk!

whiteflame Mon 04-Feb-13 11:29:32

You were berating your cousin for denying her DF the opportunity to give her away. I might have agreed with you on denying the opportunity to see her get married, but certainly not about the giving away. Her daughters, granddaughters and great granddaughters certainly won't think her a selfish cow for that reason!

MrsBucketxx Mon 04-Feb-13 11:30:59

yes a disney wedding in Florida.

I totally disagree with you.

Her plans to marry in two years time at Disney, rather than hurry up a wedding so that a dying man can struggle into a suit and walk her down the isle is not selfish at all. It is common sense. Especially if they are close.

Her father is dying.

A wedding is just a day, what matters is their relationship and marriage, not the wedding, seems to me that your cousin is mature enough to understand this. I bet her dad is mature enough to see this.

Maybe she does not want to combine the wedding with her dying dad, and in years to come look back at her wedding with sorrow?

And what if he were to die before the wedding if they planned for him to give her a day, that would certainly marr the day!

Under the circumstances, a fun Disney wedding would be just the trick to keep my spirits up. grin

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