Mumsnet Talk

DB lives abroad, DM wants us all (me and kids and sister and kids) to all travel to visit him to celebrate her 60th.
I really don't want to go, can't afford it, hate flying, don't get on that well with dsis and really would rather not. Am I being unreasonable to say no?
DM is 60 and really wants to spend time with db and his kids. And I suppose it would be nice for dd's to spend time with their cousins. Just don't want a six hour flight to get there.
I should make the effort shouldn't I?

if this would be your only holiday for the year then 'no' i don't think you have to if you don't want. why not say that you can't afford it and arrange for a special meal with her after or before? My IL's suggested gatecrashing our holiday one year, to celebrate their anniversary. they were fine with a meal out instead - or appeared to be. that way she will get 2 celebrations - think about what else you can do thats special that she would like and suggest that at the same time as declining

Yanbu

I know how disappointed my DM would be if we didn't go, but I also know my DM would offer to pay at least part of our airfares etc.

astop being so miserable,its a holiday,you will enjoy it once you are there and 6 hours isnt that long,we took 3 under 3 to india a couple of years ago :-)

Oh go on- she's only 60 once! You never know how long you've got your parents for.

if she wants you to go, she should pay.
I can't imagine anything worse than spending a week with all my family (except maybe a week with my ILs)

I think you shoud make the effort for her 60th tbh. I don't know how well you get on with your mum but I know I'd wouldn't let mine down for something that was important to her. And you get to go on holiday, your kids will have a good time with their cousins. If you stopped thinking so negatively you might actually enjoy yourself!

Yanbu to not go, she s asking too much in terms of expenditure, travel etc.

yanbu

the whole family went on holiday with the IL's once, at their instigation, their choice

they paid, so we were very grateful although we wouldn't have chosen it for ourselves

if we'd been expected to pay, as well as give up annual leave from work as well as buy new clothes/passports etc, we may not have gone

Oh Amber spoken like a person who has never had to go on a holiday with relatives you don't really like. I on the other hand have been in this situation twice with my in-laws. Believe me taking 3 kids to India would have been a delight compared to a week in Ireland with 4 adults you don't really like.

OP YANBU to say no, but do it nicely and offer to do something else instead.

I think you should go. She is your mum, and it would be lovely for the kids.

Do you not really like your DB? I guess you don't have to if you don't want to but I would take the opportunity to see my DB and DM in that circumstance.

if it is annual leave that has to be used on a holiday you don't want, plus money, then the answer is a polite 'no'. Six hours flight is a long way.

Weigh it all up.

6 hours flight to see your mother's happy face, celebrating her 60th with all her children and grandchildren.

No flight and just you and DSis who you don't like with your two families seeing mum enjoy her birthday over here.

1 hour if you hate flying is hell.

"Holiday" with all those DCs running around, Granny can't be expected to help, it's her birthday so no babysitting. DB will be "host" so guess who does the childcare?

Can you afford it?

Does DB's partner even want you all there?!

Can´t your brother & his children come over?

If she wants to spend time with her son & GC-fine, let her!!

Why do others have to give up AL & pay to go as well???

What is the fact that she will be 60 got to do with it?

It´s still one heck of a request-one which may be met with a "no can do".

I can completely understand your mum slanting to spend time with all her family together........but why is it that everyone is supposed to go to brother's? Wouldn't it be easier and cheaper if he and his family came here?

Slanting???? Bloody phone.....wanting, obv!

Oh go on- she's only 60 once! You never know how long you've got your parents for.

Maybe not Slag but at 60 she can reasonably expect to be around for a while yet! And Belle it rather reads as though it's your brother's plan/wish rather than your DM's, so much better she spends quality time with him and his family alone and does the same with you before she goes/after she gets back. YANBU!

"can't afford it"
That is all the reason you need to not go.

Sorry, I read that wrong...obviously it IS your mother's request. The rest of my wonderfully sage advice stands, however!

Say no, offer an alternative of a long weekend in the UK and your DB can come here. Ideally somewhere you can leave easily if it all gets a bit much. He can come here, after all, his mother is only 60 once...

What about suggesting an alternative, but similar idea, eg find a nice, family friendly place abroad you can all meet up: you can all have seperate rooms/chalets, you'll all be away from home and on holiday, and you can be together/apart as much as you wish. I know you'd probably still have to fly but it is your mum's 60th, so I can see why she might want all the family together for what I assume is once in a very long time.

YANBU. It doesn't sound like it will work even if you make a big effort. It's also rather a lot for her to expect you to fork out for. Does she know you don't get on with DSis?

Could you not just pack her off with a nice gift and then take her out for a meal when she's back?

I went on holiday with my ILs. I was dreading it, because I didn't really have anything to talk to FIL about. But that holiday somehow cemented our relationship. We're trying to get everyone together to go again this year. It might not be the disaster you anticipate.