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To have let him off the hook

(106 Posts)
badbelinda Sat 26-Jan-13 14:15:46

Just finished lunch and everyone now skulking in different rooms not talking to each other. Our kids (DS 8 and DD 9) are pretty good eaters, will try anything and not much they genuinely don't like but DS has always hated mushrooms. I had the bright idea that if we had cream of mushroom soup he might like the flavour without having the texture. DH duly made this for lunch as I was on chauffeur duty for all the Sat am activities. DS ate a bit with his bread but didn't like it much. DH told him to finish the bowl (not huge) and I said he should eat at least another 3 spoonfuls. He was struggling then gagged on his food. DH said he spat it out and it was deliberate but I'm pretty sure it was genuine (scarlet face, tears in eyes etc). DH told him he still had to eat his spoonfuls (while DS now sobbing) and I said he should be allowed to stop and thought DH being too hard on him. Lunch disintegrated and everyone upset now. DH thinks I undermined him and I can understand that but I think forcing a child to eat something when they're actually gagging on it is pretty cruel and has potential to give them issues with food in the future. DH pretty tired due to work issues at the moment and I think a bit more short-fused than usual but AIBU to contradict him about this in front of the children and is it likely to breed fussiness?

AnyFucker Germany Sat 26-Jan-13 15:36:04

Ah, fair enough, diddl smile

It's a disguised back up plan I think, that allows everyone to save face and doesn't involve bullying a child. If he was hungry later before tea, he would have been told to wait, also (or offered something very boring)

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Sat 26-Jan-13 15:38:17

My parents did this to me with a fish pie (was about 4) I cried and cried, it was served up three days in a row.
Now I can't eat any fish at all!
Yanbu

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 26-Jan-13 15:42:18

Is there any food your DH really dislikes OP?
Because I suggest that should go on his plate tonight.

frustratedworkingmum Sat 26-Jan-13 15:42:41

So, you mde your DS eat soup for a food that he has never liked, WHY is it important that he eats mushrooms anyway?

Sounds pretty abusive to me, poor kid

badbelinda Sat 26-Jan-13 15:43:39

I think DH feels that by being firm about food since they were small, we've avoided them being picky now and on the whole I agree with him. We've seen plenty of our friends/relatives having a nightmare at meal-times, making separate meals for their kids, avoiding going out to restaurants with them etc. However I quite agree that this is taking it too far, just can't see how it will resolve as not a hope that DH will apologise to DS and I'm not planning on backing down either!

Icelollycraving Sat 26-Jan-13 15:46:56

Poor ds sad
I think he did well to eat any of it tbh.

frustratedworkingmum Sat 26-Jan-13 15:48:00

Well done - you're children aren't picky and you can take them to all manner of posh resturants, but your DH forces soup on your son until he gags.

I often have to make alternative food for my fussy eater, and sometimes i do nag her to eat her dinner sometimes, i had often felt bad about nagging, your post has made me feel better.

If my DH abused any child like that he would be out, immediately, tbh.

LineRunner Sat 26-Jan-13 15:53:47

My parents used to force me to eat food that made me gag.

I don't do it with my DC, and neither does my sister with hers. We do expect good table manners, fair efforts to try different foods, reasonable eating of healthy food, and mealtime conversation.

The older they all get, the more different types of (healthy) food they eat. Just like me, at their age. It's fine to be flexible.

My ExH on the other hand thinks that the DCs are 'fussy' and that I am 'slack'. This from a man who refuses to eat carrots, sprouts ... and thinks the epitome of fine dining is Cafe Rouge. I think he's just having a pop at me tbh.

Your DH's tiredness is a factor, I'd have thought, in his grumpiness.

Flatbread Sat 26-Jan-13 15:55:33

I think there is nothing wrong with a three spoon rule. And you shouldn't have undermined your dh on this.

Calling the situation abusive is so OTT...something you only see on MN

E.g., the first time I had really ripe goats cheese was at a formal dinner. I gagged, but had to continue eating. Didn't kill me. And now, after many tries, I do appreciate it.

Maybe your dh was a bit hard, but I do think you should have kept out, instead of undermining him on such a minor issue.

I don't understand why on earth you would ask him to eat 3 more spoonfuls when you know he doesn't like it??
You know he doesn't like mushrooms. The chance of him liking mushroom soup must have been pretty slim, no?

Children don't have to like everything, and it's perfectly ok for them not to like the taste of something.
My DH hate broccoli. Therefore I don't put it on his plate. I would not put it on his plate and make him eat 3 bites? So why do it to a child.

FWIW my ds1 at age 3 ate about 3 things, cheese, baked beans and potatoes. I never made him eat things that made him gag.
At 13 he eats pretty much everything.

You don't make children into non fussy eaters by making them eat food they hate. IMO you give them a very negative attitude to food by doing that.

LineRunner Sat 26-Jan-13 15:58:40

Three spoonfuls is fine but not when a child is gagging, crying and red in the face.

I don't think it's 'undermining' to stop a situation that has deteriorated badly and deviated wildly from its original intention.

diddl Germany Sat 26-Jan-13 15:59:03

I think that you should both be apologising to your son tbh.

And making yourselves eat a bowl of soup of avegetable that you do'nt like.

SilverOldie Sat 26-Jan-13 16:02:37

That's a terrible thing to do to a child. I loathe mushrooms, the smell and the taste and if someone tried to get me to eat it the soup I wouldn't even have one mouthful, let alone three.

Flatbread no-one forced you to to eat the cheese, having spat it out after the first taste.

LineRunner Sat 26-Jan-13 16:03:52

My DS is 14 and eats foods happily that even a couple of years ago he would have avoided like the plague. Just today: fruit, veg, granary bread, spicey chicken.

He's done this without being forced to eat unwanted food.

frustratedworkingmum Sat 26-Jan-13 16:07:25

It absolutely IS abusive, that is not an OTT statement. What would have happened if the poor kid actually puked it back up?

It was never going to end well, he doesn't like mushrooms so fucking what, they have virtually no nutritional value anyway.

If i want my child to try something she doesn't like i have it on MY plate and offer a try, but i would never dream of serving her something she doesn't like. The soup was probaby vile anyway.

This is worse than feeding your kids fruitshoots and Maccy Ds in my book, far worse

Ponctastic parenting at its worst

Flatbread Sat 26-Jan-13 16:08:00

Social norms forced me to it eat. I had no option of spitting it out, without greatly annoying and insulting my hosts.

My dsis had to eat all kinds of vile things on business dinners in S Korea

My poor dh had to eat, what seemed to him, totally gross combinations in my home country. And take seconds, to ingratiate himself with my grand mum (and I love him dearly for that)

Eating something you don't like won't kill you, it is really not a big deal. Worth a few shared giggles later as you remember the experience.

A total ott reaction here. It is food. He is not allergic. No point fighting over it and getting upset with dh. DS will have many more, far more uncomfortable experiences than this.

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 26-Jan-13 16:10:27

I never made my ds eat anything he didn't like, though I always asked him to try it.
He's now 17 and is less fussy than me.
I was forced to eat school dinners, and there is still food I can't eat because of the gagging that I went through.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 26-Jan-13 16:13:20

you get your DH to make something that your DS doesn't like.
Your DH compremises when you overule finish the bowl.
He backs you up on the eat three spoonfuls.

An your DH is in the wrong hmm

FFS he can't be right for being wrong.

HoHoHoNoYouDont Sat 26-Jan-13 16:13:27

I hate raw celery but adore celery soup. Same with tomatoes. I can totally understand your plan with the soup. I think your DH was a bit full on to be honest but like you say could be due to him being tired. You could have a chat with him as long as it doesn't escalate into a full blown row as it's really not worth it.

I had discussed this with DS who agreed it might be the texture not the flavour he disliked and thought he would give it a go

Some of you seem to have ignored this part of the story.

ArtVandelay Sat 26-Jan-13 16:18:51

Poor lamb. Doubt he'll trust you enough to try something new again now he knows that the goal posts will be moved about how much he has to eat. And that they'll be a huge scene about it all.

Unless you apologize to him and have a cuddle. Everyone makes mistakes but I think you should be building bridges. And hopefully your husband... Was he bullied by his own Dad? He might not be aware how ridiculous he's being. YANBU.

Foggles Sat 26-Jan-13 16:19:28

Nothing wrong with giving it a go but forcing a child to eat something they clearly find repulsive is not on.

Palates change as we get older and there could have been every chance that your DS would have grown to like, even love, mushrooms. Now he may always associate mushrooms with the memory of being forced to eat something he doesn't like and probably won't give them another go.

While I can understand the idea behind trying the soup, I think your DH has been a bit of a bully here TBH.
Making a child eat food he clearly dislikes and is gagging on, Pretty disgraceful.

Is there a particular food he dislikes? Whip it up in a blender and serve to him as soup for dinner, see how he bloody likes it.

diddl Germany Sat 26-Jan-13 16:22:49

But the poor kid gave it a go & didn´t like it

So by the sounds of things he went without lunch because he tried something & didn´t like it!

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