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To ask directly or otherwise if I can bring my baby?

(67 Posts)
ivanapoo Fri 25-Jan-13 13:10:06

DH and I have been invited to a wedding of one of his family members - would like to attend but our EBF DS will be 4 months old then, and the invite stipulated (in rhyming couplets no less) they wanted a child free wedding.

We also had an almost child free wedding due to the size of our venue and expense but made it v clear that young babies were welcome and in the end a single parent friend brought his 2 year old as well as childcare fell through.

My lovely but quite forceful MIL said she would ask them if my DS is allowed to come as she felt this wouldnt apply to such a young baby - but I don't want them to feel awkward/unable to say no and I respect their right to ask for no kids whatsoever if that's what they want.

(I would consider expressing and just attend part of the wedding - but it's in the middle of the countryside several hours away from where my parents are and I wouldn't want anyone else to look after him at this age except close family so logistically it's a bit tricky.)

TheFunPolice Sat 26-Jan-13 08:05:51

Staffordshire. I'm not saying that people should do exactly as I do, but children at a wedding are the best bit. But then I had my dogs at my ceremony as I wanted people that I loved there and it was too hot and long to leave them at home.

ivanapoo Sat 26-Jan-13 07:35:40

TheFunPolice maybe it's the same wedding we've been invited to! Whereabouts is yours (nosy)

lollilou Sat 26-Jan-13 07:15:21

Btw if a baby starts screaming in the church the parent takes it out. That's a given isn't it?

lollilou Sat 26-Jan-13 07:10:51

I'm sure little babies at a wedding would be fine as other posters have said it's usually a cost thing. Tbh I don't get child free weddings to me it's about all families and friends coming together to celebrate. You should have seen the fun all the kids had at mine.smile

Startail Sat 26-Jan-13 01:51:42

I've never known a child cause any trouble at a wedding.

I'd actually forgotten there was a tiny baby at mine until mum reminded me.

Only other DCs were my bridesmaid and her big brother, but I got married first of my peers so they didn't have DCs.

Lots of DCs at the last two weddings I've been to, no trouble at all.

Startail Sat 26-Jan-13 01:47:34

Child free weddings are the result of thoughtless young idiots, who will soon learn the error of their ways grin

I always wish beautiful non sleeping, bottle refusing, Velcro babies on such people.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Fri 25-Jan-13 23:41:09

Send VictoriaPlum's poem. It's so sweet how could they not let you take him?!

MumVsKids Fri 25-Jan-13 22:44:07

Brilliant response op, I'll pay you to send it to the happy couple!!!! smile

Alconleigh Fri 25-Jan-13 22:42:57

The Fun Police, it will probably mean nothing to them, but way to crap on people who don't live exactly as you do.

VictoriaPlum01 Fri 25-Jan-13 22:40:58

Here's my effort at a reply (I've just spent 15mins coming up with it, so am a bit behind the times, but I'm damn well going to post it):

I hope that you’ll not think me rude,
But my baby requires my boobs,
And as I’m his mum
I’ll be unable to come,
If you say he’s not invited too.

Lafaminute Fri 25-Jan-13 22:37:09

PS love your rhyming reply though! smile

Lafaminute Fri 25-Jan-13 22:35:39

YANBU to ask but it is ultimately their choice and one wedding I was at was ruined (the most important church part) by a baby crying throughout. The bride (my friend) didn't even know the baby (cousin of new dh) but I thought that was a terrible shame and so had a child free wedding. If the bride and groom don't have children nor close relatives with children then why should they accomodate other peoples offspring?? I personally would choose to go to a wedding without dc if given a choice and certainly don't want to have to tolerate other peoples dc hyped up on too much excitment or sugar running around a reception. It is a contentious issue though and a shame that brides have to take flak for their call on this issue.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 25-Jan-13 22:32:17

Sounds perfect OP!

Xmasbaby11 Fri 25-Jan-13 22:30:20

I totally understand child-free weddings, although I like children there and don't mind the rowdiness! I think usually it is understood that young babies are the exception, but it would be polite to check. If they say no, don't go. It would be petty of them to say no. Babies don't count towards numbers and .. they are lovely!

TheFunPolice Fri 25-Jan-13 22:26:16

Child free weddings make me sad. When I.got married we specified that children were more than welcome, and included their names on the invitations. Some of my favourite photos are of two sisters having a whale of a time on the dance floor, they were so excited and lovely. But I didn't get married in a church, and people were only invited to our 'reception' which was just a big celebration. In a huge marquee, by a lake in the middle of the countryside. I hope those girls remember their special day, they had beautiful dresses etc. I remember going to a wedding when I was 5 and how awestruck I was.
You can ask OP as the worst they'll say is no.
I've just received a wedding invitation that stipulates no children at all, on a weekday, nearly 2 hours away. I wish they'd saved the paper and not sent it to us, as they've basically uninvited us via the invite! I'm not leaving my 9mo baby!

ivanapoo Fri 25-Jan-13 21:52:43

Great advice people, thanks. Also DH and I have had a good laugh at your rhyming responses.

We've decided to politely decline for me and DH will go alone - was thinking

I can't come to your wedding, yo!
Our DS needs my breasticles
The only one of us who'll go
Is he, the one with testicles.

But on the day I'll raise a glass
As wedding bells start chiming
Let's hope (because it read like arse)
It's better than your rhyming.

DontmindifIdo Fri 25-Jan-13 20:43:25

BTW - when I was pregnant with DS/only just had him and still breastfeeding, I had 2 wedding invites that were 'no children' - in both cases, I declined in e-mail stating that I'd love to go but I was/was planning on breastfeeding so wouldn't be able to leave DS and therefore would have to decline (but made a big fuss about wanting to see photos and how happy I was for them etc). One couple said ok, and arranaged lunch for after their honeymoon to show photos. The other came back to say of course babes in arms weren't included in no children and DS was most welcome. (And then I didn't see the wedding anyway because he was grumpy so I sat on the graveyard wall thinking I might as well have skipped this bit and gone straight to the reception).

If you decline but make it clear why you are declining and spell out how much you'd have loved to come if you were able to leave DS but can't (don't say "if he was allowed to come", that makes it look like you having a go at them), then that gives them the opportunity to say "oh bring him" while not being as rude as to ask if they can break their no children rule for you.

Bear in mind, while they might be happy to have your DS there and trust that you will remove him should he start screaming the place down, that doesn't mean all their extended family and friends have DCs who can be trusted to behave and while they might be happy to have babies who aren't going to use up a seat in the venue/be classed in the numbers, but family politics is a funny thing, some people can get an arse on that your child was allowed when their child wasn't (even if their child is old enough to need a meal/be counted in the numbers). Sometimes blanket bans are the only way to avoid bitching.

HopAndSkip Fri 25-Jan-13 19:51:35

Why don't you say "DH would be delighted to attend, but I won't be able to as DS is breastfed and can't be left yet as I can't express/don't feel comfortable leaving him yet/can't find anyone to look after him" or whichever reason, and see if they say "oh, you could bring him ?" or just say "ok"

Glitterspy Fri 25-Jan-13 19:31:45

I think no children means no babies either. Asking will just make them feel awkward when they have already made their feelings clear, (in a poem! crikey) which isn't right. I think saying no but letting them know the reason why, is the best way to handle it; that way when they receive your RSVP, they could always choose to contact you back and say it's ok to bring the baby, if that's what they want. It puts the ball in their court without you being pushy.

TheCatIsEatingIt Fri 25-Jan-13 18:46:07

You know best how the dynamic in your family works, but if it was my DH I'd be happy for MIL to ask. The couple might feel less defensive and put on the spot if the question comes from their relative, and as it's essentially "don't you know how babies work?" they might take it better from someone who's had babies.

The baby might count towards the head count at the reception, it depends on the venue. They did at ours.

Definitely can't hurt to ask, though. A breastfed baby is a whole different kettle of fish from a lively 3yo.

bumperella Fri 25-Jan-13 18:30:36

Just ask them!

One possibility is for you and littlie to miss the ceremony (and after dinner speeches) where baby-noise is not acceptable, but go to the reception. Your DH could go to the ceremony bit by himself. Ask them if this would be OK - a 4-mnth-old isn't going to "count" toward numbers for the reception and am sure they'd not mind you missing the important bit (ceremony) in the circumstances.

grottielottie Fri 25-Jan-13 18:19:23

As at our son is just 4 months old,
I have a question that might seem bold.
Because he is fed at the breast,
we feel that keeping him near it best,
and as we would like to remain your friends,
we wondered if we could all attend.

I absolutely love kids but had a child free wedding...I don't think children particularly enjoy sitting still & quietly in a church for an hour. Every wedding service I have been to with children at it was interrupted by yells and shrieks throughout.
As for the reception - I think it's all too much for little ones. The people, the noise, people getting drunk. Just not appropriate really.

ivanapoo Fri 25-Jan-13 18:07:26

Sorry I was actually joking about the verse! I can't remember it exactly, but it essentially said your kids are great but don't bring them

Arf at your rhyming couplet responses!

I

Bonbonchance Fri 25-Jan-13 16:47:17

My friend had a child free wedding (apart from bridesmaids and page boys which included 2 babies) as she wanted to be able to invite as many friends as possible and for them to enjoy themselves without having to see to children. The invite explained this nicely and also mentioned breast feeding babies were an exception (I presume she wouldn't have kicked out bottle feeders!)

Oh and their invites had a little poem too (not the baby bit) and it was great, the whole wedding was lots of fun smile

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