to purposely not invite this girl?

(136 Posts)
LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 20:40:06

Whilst I was at uni I lived with 5 girls, there are 4 of us that still live in the same city. We all got on really well and it was like living with sisters.

One of the girl (who I was originally closest to as we went to college together and did the same course) the last year of uni would be a bit of a flake. We would organise a house night out and she would be up for it, but when it came to it she would make an excuse, we would go to the cinema regularly (Wednesday 2for1 with student pricing it would only cost £2) and not once did she come with us.

On the last week before we moved out she had persuaded me to go to the end of uni party (tickets cost £40), on the day she cancelled on me and so I didn't end up going. She had family problems.

I told her it was completely fine (although I was a bit upset), she then asked if I wanted to go out for lunch during the week as she was back in the house to pack up all her things to move home. I said I would love to but couldn't do the Monday or Tuesday but any of the other three days I would.

She never text me back and then wrote a group email on the Monday saying she has packed all her things up and wouldn't be going to the house again.

She also went on holiday for a week after she cancelled on the party because of family problems.

It really was the final straw to me.

I have since organised a meal (6 months later) with the girls in the house (apart from the one who doesn't live in the city) but I didn't bother to invite this girl. I heard through one of the girls afterwards that she had asked them if she had done something to offend them because she hadn't been invited.

I am now organising another dinner and have no plans to invite her. I have said to the other girls if they would like to invite her then I'm fine with that, but personally I'm not going to.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to make effort with people who wouldn't make the same effort with me and who most of the time can be a flake.

If she wanted to organise a dinner and invite everyone but me then I wouldn't mind, but the fact is she never organising anything anyway.

It's just I can't shake the feeling off that I'm being a bitch and being unreasonable.

I don't want to exclude her to hurt her, I just have no interest in a one way friendship.

Kalisi Thu 24-Jan-13 10:44:12

Op, yabu to care so much and your responces sound very immature.
It's really no effort on your part to send a group text to everyone arranging a meet-up. If she blows you out, get over it, you don't care if she turns up anyway. The decision you have made not to invite her, has nothing to do with 'not wanting to put the effort in' and everything to do with 'proving a point' Not a good moral highground really.

Locketjuice Thu 24-Jan-13 10:21:02

It would piss me off, I have two close friends, they don't really like each other even though are are polite but one always does this to the other so I listen to both sides friend 1 saying she always try's to contact friend 2 and she's fed up now as she clearly Doesn't care and friend saying I can't help it I just don't like her and feel pressured to say yes easier up agree then cancel

DIYapprentice Thu 24-Jan-13 10:13:13

Milf90 - and when you came out of that were you partying with other friends while snubbing one group? Were you trashing your friend's flat while throwing a party? No. There is no way this girl could have been you. You were in a seriously bad place - this girl clearly wasn't otherwise she would have been hiding from everyone and everything. Please don't sell yourself short.

milf90 Thu 24-Jan-13 10:03:37

that girl you were talking about could have been me. i had had a miscarriage and just come out of an abusive relationship. it really is the nail in coffin when your 'friends' dont even try to understand.

YABU

merrymouse Thu 24-Jan-13 08:06:43

Reading your posts, OP, I find it difficult to believe that she is that concerned about being excluded from the invite. If she wanted to remain friends with you she would have made some kind of contact in 6 months.

From your posts I don't get the impression that she was sitting in her room listening to sad music when she was deciding not to socialise with you at uni - she was deciding to socialise with other people. That doesn't necessarily make her an awful person (although she would do well to learn some manners), but it doesn't make her somebody that you have to include in your social plans forever more either.

It's not even as though you have deliberately excluded her - just left it up to your other friends to invite her. If none of them are that bothered, move on.

MrsWolowitz Thu 24-Jan-13 08:03:07

Kobashi you haven't answered my question. Does men being referred to as "the boys" or "the lads" bother you?

pigletmania Thu 24-Jan-13 07:23:36

Oh goodness angel don't tell Kobyashi about that one, she might start a thread about it grin

pigletmania Thu 24-Jan-13 07:22:10

Highives burning grin

Angelfootprints Thu 24-Jan-13 01:30:01

I now have Cindy Lauper in my head!

"Ohhhh girls just wanna have fuuunn"

apostropheuse Thu 24-Jan-13 01:29:24

I hope I'm called a girl until the day I die.

At fifty-one I'm very much a woman, but it's good to be called a girl.

Being delusional works for me. grin

BurningWingsOfFlame Thu 24-Jan-13 01:16:12

pigletmania you go girl <high five>

pigletmania Thu 24-Jan-13 01:14:29

Exactly burning, what's tat got to do with it. Best go to the feminism section girl grin

BurningWingsOfFlame Thu 24-Jan-13 01:03:26

And she also said this girl went for weekends away to celebrate other friends birthdays.

BurningWingsOfFlame Thu 24-Jan-13 01:02:39

The OP said she threw a huge party at their house and her things got trashed!

Doesn't sound like anxiety to me.

TheRatsTheRats Thu 24-Jan-13 00:59:28

I agree with Amber about social anxieties problems. A lot of people don't realise I have anxieties (I deliberately act confident so I can rush off and escape) but these are exactly the kind of things I would do. Want to and wuss out at the last min and make up an excuse. I have good friends now who persist with me (now that I know what the problem is and am sorting).

BurningWingsOfFlame Thu 24-Jan-13 00:53:57

Kobaya its just getting embarrassing now. You dragged up this thread to make a point which isn't relevant in the slightest to the OP.

Is your life really that sad? Get a grip girl.

KobayashiMaru Thu 24-Jan-13 00:49:00

I'm not the one who keeps going on about it. But I'll be fucked if I'll pretend it isn't important. Tell it to the one billion rising

Athewell, me and you are clearly reading two different threads.
The op is giving many examples of the friend cancelling, or flat out not bothering, even for her birthday breakfast, and Uni party with tickets costing £40 that she herself invited her to, and op herself says:

"I just feel there's only so many times you can ask someone if they'd like to do something and for them to keep saying no. It makes you feel desperate."

"I don't want to be her friend and Im tired of making the effort with someone who constantly cancels or just flat out says no."

How can I not infer from this that the other girl is less keen on the friendship?

Op does not want this any more, and I am telling her to move on! It is fine to move on from uni friends, and change the tack of the friendship, meet less regularly and not everybody in one group. It is fine for friendships to change. This is not at all a slight on the op, or anything negative on her part at all. Just a situation where friendships has perhaps moved on.

OP did not invite this particular girl to an outing, after repeatedly being turned down. Of course the girl is going to sit up and notice. Only natural to ask if there is something wrong.

I just dont get why you keep picking on my posts. Mine is just an opinion like many others.

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 23-Jan-13 17:36:03

Obviously not on this thread Kobaya. But if you really, really want to discuss is start your own thread. Or better still check in the feminism section. I think they discussed this in length pretty recently.

These girls just wanna have fun and discuss their friendships.

MrsWolowitz Wed 23-Jan-13 17:35:47

Kobayashi - seriously, in the grand scheme of things, its not even a blip on the radar of things that matter.

Do you also get your knickers in a twist over men calling their group of friends "lads" or "the boys"?

DIYapprentice Wed 23-Jan-13 17:16:09

Kobayashi - steady on there girl...

wink

<ducks and runs!>

KobayashiMaru Wed 23-Jan-13 17:04:33

To lots of other people, actually. A great number of women in fact.

ClareMarriott Wed 23-Jan-13 17:03:16

LeiaRose

Have you thought that with this particular person any friendship may have run its course ?. Deciding to hang on in there for one more time is admirable but can be quite draining. Perhaps you could just keep in touch with your other friends whose company you like and take it from there ?

Yfronts Wed 23-Jan-13 17:00:29

I think if she had genuine reasons for canceling thats OK. But otherwise maybe say to friends 'she won't come anyway so no point in inviting'

pigletmania Wed 23-Jan-13 15:39:17

Kobyashi it's not important in te grand scheme of things. To you Mabey not to other people

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