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To think that I could happily leave family behind without a second thought?

(109 Posts)
shrimponastick Sat 19-Jan-13 16:57:35

Just been watching Wanted Down Under Revisited.

Obviously it is a great show - you get to see a bit of each region, find out about the way of life etc. But the bit which gets my goat is the dvd showing the distraught family members 'back home' saying how much they will miss the grand kids etc. Everyone gets upset.

So, am I wrong in thinking that if I/We wanted to go and live elsewhere in the near future that I wouldn't miss my family/friends?

Are we supposed to live in our families' pockets and see them every day?

I would want to take DH and DS - the rest I can take or leave.

Am I the only one??

WhataSook Sun 20-Jan-13 11:33:58

gotthemoon that's exactly what my parents and I say! The world is a much smaller place now with skype, email, calls etc that I probably speak more to my parents now I'm in the UK then when I was at home. Because of the time diff we have set days and approximate times to call/skype, it works really well for us.

gotthemoononastick Sun 20-Jan-13 11:22:38

We have children in Europe,Australia ,Uk,and huge extended family in Africa.They all have a wonderful life.Living in u.k. at present.Of course it is very hard as we age,but little birds must fly.I always compare what I have with Skype,internet etc.,with those poor Victorian mums ,who said goodbye forever at the docks, as families went out to the colonies! Much easier now.OP,go see the wide world if you can!

YANBU, I feel the same way. It used to really confuse me when I was seasonal working and my friends, back home and jobless because there weren't jobs, would say "Oh, I couldn't do what you do! I'd miss my family and friends!". Surely having a job is better than staying home trying to find one in a local economy that is non-existent?

AThingInYourLife Sun 20-Jan-13 11:09:12

"I have wondered whether the producers deliberately choose those people to go on the show, to make the programme more emotionally interesting."

Of course they do.

I am the only member of my immediate family left in the UK, as both my sister and my parents emigrated (to different countries) when I was 20. If anything it has improved our relationship as we know time together is precious so none of those AIBU petty arguments arise. I've read enough threads on here to know that living just down the road from parents and PILS isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Pinkerl Sun 20-Jan-13 10:11:27

I think what some people are saying, and I tend to agree, is not that moving away is better or worse than living near family, but is a little sad to do so knowing you would not miss a single friend or family member

peacefuloptimist Sun 20-Jan-13 10:10:04

I agree with googlyeyes, exexpat. We moved to the UK and grew up without having any extended family around. Even though we never really lived near our relatives (came to the UK quite young and only had limited contact with a few relatives before that) throughout my childhood I did feel that we were missing out because we did not grow up around gps, aunts and uncles, cousins etc. Even if you never experienced what that was like, seeing other people with their families, watching tv or films where you see big extended families gives you an insight in to what it would be like and you do crave that experience of having that dependable love and loyalty (even though I know that is certainly not the case with everyone). I feel so happy when I see my dniece, dnephew and my own ds getting to interact with their gps, aunts and uncles etc. The love a gp has for their gchild and the relationship between them can be very special and I personally feel it is wrong to deny your child that. Having said that I would move away from family (I already have) if the need arose and for better opportunities/quality of life but I would miss them all terribly and do visit often.

amillionyears Sun 20-Jan-13 10:07:51

I have watched several episodes of the show, though none of the recent series.
I have noticed that a lot of the participants have families that live very near, they see very regularly, and are often in contact with sometimes daily.
I have wondered whether the producers deliberately choose those people to go on the show, to make the programme more emotionally interesting.
To my mind, I dont think that is the norm in most families generally.

op, from your most recent post especially, I am wondering whether you wrote your post more from a personal, maybe a bit wistful, comparing your family life with others, pov. Not sure I have written exactly what I am meaning to.

AThingInYourLife Sun 20-Jan-13 10:01:57

I don't think anyone said that, did they?

People seem to think that I said that and I said nothing of the sort.

And sorry, but there's plenty of moral dimension in thinking people are weird if they want to live close to family.

And while you might well care very much for the people you leave behind, it is likely that the bonds between the people who stay close and see one another regularly will grow ever closer while you will have to work hard to keep them at the same level as when you left.

janey68 Sun 20-Jan-13 09:51:32

I didn't say anything about a moral dimension. I was responding to some of the astoundingly ignorant and narrow views that unless you live close enough to pop into family every day or week then you can't love or like them as much as if you do.

AThingInYourLife Sun 20-Jan-13 09:43:51

But what if my children don't want to move away, do I need to presume I have raised losers who are unable to live their own lives?

"And why should loving and caring about people mean you need to be geographically close?"

Because maybe you want the special intimacy that comes from casual, regular, corporeal interaction?

Wanting to make your life far away from where you were raised isn't better than wanting to stay nearby.

It's just different.

And I say that as someone who doesn't live where I grew up and who has made my home in various places around the world over the years.

My preferences don't have any moral dimension. They don 't make me better than friends and family who stayed.

janey68 Sun 20-Jan-13 09:34:43

Absolutely- life is about the people in your life- but that doesn't have to be just your extended family. And why should loving and caring about people mean you need to be geographically close?
I think a good way to look at this is to think about your own children, and how you would feel if as adults they get married, get jobs, and want to move somewhere else in the world? Are you going to assume that means they don't love you any more? Are you going to use subtle guilt tripping to make them feel bad about their choice? Or would you embrace the fact that you've raised confident and Independent individuals?

Another thought- many people meet their Partner at university or through work so it's highly likely you won't have come from the same area anyway. So it would be physically impossible to live near both sets of extended family even if you wanted to.

AThingInYourLife Sun 20-Jan-13 09:23:59

"I always find it weird when adults can't contemplate moving any distance from their extended family. Life is there to be lived. I would feel awful if my kids grew up and didn't feel able to live and work where they wanted because of some 'duty' to not move too far"

I find it weird that you think the only reason to live near to people you love is a sense of duty.

For some people living life is about the people in that life.

"Wow, lots of value judgements going on about people not loving or caring about their family much if they can comfortably move away."

Your post is just a value judgment of people who don't want to move away.

People who think they're wild adventurous moving to the Ozzie suburbs seem to be happily disparaging of others who like where they grew up and then terribly offended if anyone disparages their choices.

DontmindifIdo Sun 20-Jan-13 09:19:37

Plus I do think that it's unfair on future generations that effectively where you've chosen to settle limits their life chances. Why should their choice to live in city X mean that I have to stay there for my life/within a 1 hour drive when city Y or even country Y might be more suitable for my family needs? Why should the decisions taken by the previous generations limit the current ones options?

DontmindifIdo Sun 20-Jan-13 09:15:41

thinking about it more, I do think money makes the distance a lot less. When we were doing our plans to move (which if DH had got the job, we'd have done) we were assuming 2 trips back to the UK a year, we were planning those costs in to our budget (assuming coming back for Christmas, and us coming back in the summer, DH only staying a couple of weeks then returning to work and then me staying another month over the school holidays).

We are also fortunate enough that both sets of parents could easily afford at least one, probably 2 trips a year if they wanted to come over, both siblings could also easily afford flights and we could have afforded a 3 bed place (so putting the DCs in together and having a spare room for guests). That would mean realistically, we'd see family every 3-4 months if they wanted to come over, 6 months if they didn't. In an emergancy, we'd always be able to afford for at least me and the DCs to fly home under short notice.

You do hear of people moving to the otherside of the world who don't budget in flights back to their home country, or can only afford to come home every other year, their families not having the disposable income to go to them frequently.

Near and far are relative to your ability to cover that distance. (that and as my parents have a holiday house in France, I'm used to them disappearing for a month at a time and it not being a big deal...)

janey68 Sun 20-Jan-13 09:07:25

Wow, lots of value judgements going on about people not loving or caring about their family much if they can comfortably move away.

Everyone is an individual, not simply an extension of their family. It's quite possible to love and like your wider family without feeling you have to live within spitting distance of them. We're hundreds of miles from family and I don't see it as a problem at all- we visit now and then and obviously there are phone calls and texts. Australia is obviously a lot further but tbh the only thing that might hold me back was whether family (and us) has sufficient funds for visits. Not the distance itself.

I always find it weird when adults can't contemplate moving any distance from their extended family. Life is there to be lived. I would feel awful if my kids grew up and didn't feel able to live and work where they wanted because of some 'duty' to not move too far

ihavenonameonhere Sun 20-Jan-13 08:07:10

I currently live the other side of the world but dont have kids. It is hard, I speak to my parents everyday using skype and similar services and miss them, especially at the moment as I am just back from a visit and it takes a while for me to settle.

I always talked about going home when I have kids so I can be near them (they are amazing Grandparents) but they want me to do whats best for me and my family and Australia does offer some great opportunities so we will see! The bf is Aussie but hes not very close to his family so there wouldnt a problem there.

I also miss my friends but not in the same way

13Iggis Sun 20-Jan-13 08:00:57

It's a lot easier if all your relatives are fairly young and healthy. Then there's "always next year" in your thoughts about seeing them. We are having a family bereavement at the moment and it is awful to be in separate countries from eachother and of no practical help.
I only live <an hour by plane from my mum, and see her 3 or 4 times a year. I could move back but I don't want to. But I often see women out for coffee with their mums and I really want that simple thing - to phone her up and meet for an afternoon, not always a pre-arranged week's visit.
Very happy with where I live and my life, but that is not the same as never missing the 'other life' you could be having.

nooka Sun 20-Jan-13 07:56:27

Unless you move somewhere really interesting and different then life in your home country and life in your new country are essentially going to be the same. We've enjoyed exploring North America, but there again we've missed out on exploring Europe. Our children can't really remember the UK or English life, so if we stay here they will be as interesting or boring as every other Canadian.

I don't think that personally my life is any more exciting than my siblings who have not left the UK or my sister in Australia. There are cultural differences of course, but they are all still very much in the Western world. If I'd really wanted adventure I'd have up sticks and traveled to far more interesting places (but not lived there I suspect) but that's not really the premise of Down Under, as it's more about leaving for good, which not surprisingly can upset those left behind.

AThingInYourLife Sun 20-Jan-13 07:52:30

Going to different places doesn't make you interesting.

Some of the most tedious people, with the least insight, and the most anodyne stories to tell, are people who are always moving from place to place but never settle anywhere.

It's not the fact of moving about (particularly now that it is trivially easy) that makes for interesting experiences. It's what you do when you get there.

Weissdorn Sun 20-Jan-13 07:43:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weissdorn Sun 20-Jan-13 07:41:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinkyWinkola Sun 20-Jan-13 07:35:24

I'm close to my mum and dad but if living abroad meant better opportunities for me and my family, I would go like a shot.

And they would never bleat about missing us - they would never lay that kind if emotional guilt on me.

Life is for living and you must do as you see fit.

Pity the op? Ridiculous statement although I think she would find she would miss those she left behind. That's fine and normal though.

AThingInYourLife Sun 20-Jan-13 07:30:50

"We want an experience for our family and that won't happen living in the same town for the entire time our DD grows up."

Travelling is only one kind of experience.

Someone who lived in the same town all their life could have more interesting and worthwhile experiences than someone who moved far away.

AThingInYourLife Sun 20-Jan-13 07:25:26

"I pity the posters whi have said they pity the op. God forbid having the desire to move away and life in a dufferent place from your family"

I have moved to several countries and multiple continents in my life.

I still feel sorry for people with nobody to miss if they leave.

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