Mumsnet Talk

A good support network is one of the most valuable things you can have in life

That network doesn't have to be family. You don't need to live near that network necessarily. People build new networks all the time.

It clearly does mean you love the people in your life less than someone who cares about them deeply and would miss them if they moved away.

Wow you are nice. You are also so wrong.

I'm not sure i could move away. Just because I suppose if i could i would go looking for the opportunity rather than wait for it to be presented to me.

Everyone has to love their family?

What if they are just not likeable people that you want to spend time with?

AThingInYourLife You are being a knob. That is all.

This is interesting, we've had these discussions recently as DH was contacted about a job in the middle east. It would have been great money, great lifestyle, but he didn't get the job.

We thought in terms of how our families might react, and assumed my parents would go into slight meltdown at me 'taking DS away' (and the new baby, I'm pregnant and we would have moved before it was born), i think DH's parents would have been very upset but be excited for us. I think it helps that both sides have enough money that we know they could afford flights a couple of times a year (we'd agreed we'd have to hav 3 bed place so we could put the two DCs together when we had guests).

However, neither of us thought about missing them as a reason not to go. I really don't think I would miss them that much. I worried about my friendship network, having a new baby in a country where I knew noone, but then I moved here when 7 months pregnant, and have built a network of friends in that short time so am relatively confident I could do it again in another country amongst an expat community (plus DH is more confident/relaxed as he has lived abroad before, albeit much closer in Europe and could and did pop back for weekends).

Mind you, neither DH or I are only children, both of us have DBs who live closer to our respective parents than we do (although for BIL, it's only about 15 minutes closer for him than us and he works longer hours!), and both sets of parents are very healthy, so it's not like we'd be leaving elderly, infirm parents on their own.

If DH got another great job offer overseas (he's recently been headhunted for a job in HongKong but turned that down as he didn't like the job), I don't think we'd let family and friends hold us back if it was best for our little unit. That might make me selfish, but I also would hate to think that DS when he grows up would turn down opportunities just because i'd miss him...

i could easily leave behind everyone but my dcs. i think the only person i would miss is my best friend who i see about 4 times a week and is a real rock when things are shit. but as others say, she's only be a phonecall away.

i would love to do it. dont trust myself enough to be able to do it though. i'd fuck up and have to come home again. maybe if i was partnered up with someone capable.

I don't live near any family, but close enough for a few visits a year - not possible if you're talking Australia.
I would hate to move away from my friends. Yes I could make new ones, but it's lovely having friends you've shared a fair bit of history with, who knew you before you had kids or got married.
I think the OP's approach is quite common (I see it on property programmes often when they move quite far with just their nuclear family) but it is not for me.

DontmindifIdo well said my friend. We moved from the Australia to the UK over 15 years ago now. Since having the DC (DS1 is 6, DS2 is 4) we have been accused of "robbing" the PIL of their grandchildren. Seriously ! We are happy here, have a great group of friends, and frankly if we moved back would have a lower standard of living, would need to move to a different city (work reasons) rather than the backwater we are from and so would have to get a completely new set of friends. Whilst it would be nice to have more family "support" here, we are happy. And realistically, that is all that matters - you cant live your life to please other people. I sincerely hope my DS's when they grow up would live their lives as they see it rather than staying somewhere to please me.

We're moving to Dubai at Easter and although I'm very excited and looking forward to new experiences etc I am dreading saying goodbye to family and friends, I can feel a lump in my throat just thinking about it!

I'm reassured by the fact my ILs have lived abroad the whole time I've been with DH and we are very close, we see FIL once a year on average (MIL more as she comes back every few months) and have a great relationship. They Skype loads, we talk every week and send photos so the DCs do know and love them. So I know the closeness emotionally can be maintained even if you're far away.

Also, my parents,, siblings etc all live apart anyway so my parents are 2.5 hour drive, my sister 1.5 hours so day to day I don't see them anyway.

We moved 200 miles away from my parents and sisters we had no choice, very few decent jobs and limited opportunities where i come from. Most of my old friends have moved away too, to various places around the country. I also didnt want to spend my life in the same dull town as i grew up in. I miss my close family, but not enough to move back. No qualms about leaving extended family, aunts, cousins etc.

Have made a wonderful group of friends here though who are a great support and it would be a huge wrench to leave them if we ever had to.

I get you, op. I could do it. I wouldn't miss people after a while, but I would definitely miss my old life.
We've moved around the uk a few times and currently live about 70 miles from dh's rellys and 280 miles from mine.
I find folk who stay in their home town their entire life, 2 miles from their parents/siblings etc harder to understand than those who upsticks and move abroad.

You don't have to like your family.

But if you don't then it's a bit weird for people to claim you "don't love them any less" than people who do like theirs.

"You don't need to live near that network necessarily"

Not necessarily.

But geographically distant network is a lot less useful than one that allows for regular face to face contact (not Skype).

"People build new networks all the time."

Sure. But it's time consuming and you will be at a disadvantage compared with people with more established connections.

If your network where you live is weak, then it is true that you have nothing to lose by going elsewhere.

But the sneery tone of the OP seems a little unnecessary when it's basically saying that she has nobody to care about leaving behind.

It's not really something to boast about.

And people who would be less willing to leave behind a lot of people they care about aren't weak or lacking.

I couldn't do it and I always feel so sorry for the families left behind on that programme, imagine having a grandchild who lived on the other side of the world do you hardly saw them . I couldn't do it to my parents or in laws

Strange post from Norbert.

I think people who feel sorry for op are sorry that she does not have a closer relationship with her family and friends. Surely it is what we all want ... to love and be loved in return?

If your family are so rubbish that you wouldn't miss them if you moved to the other side of the world then that is kind sad.

Or am I missing something?

No.

I lived in a different country from my family for about 15 years, although we did meet about twice a year.

I even managed to keep in touch with a few friends.

I wouldn't hesitate.

Dear Lord, I moved from London to Devon and hated it! Am obviously some sort of wuss .

I think a support network is important when you have children but if you don't have that then I suppose moving far away would bother you.

No need for the pity party . I have a great relationship with my friends and family, and I would miss not seeing them regularly. But the only people I NEED are df and my children. I could survive perfectly well without the rest. It doesn't mean I love my extended family any less than someone who 'couldn't bear to leave'. It just makes me more adaptable IMO.

God, no, I'd hate to be separated from my extended family . We all live in the same village, next door to each other though, so clearly weirdos . I love the fact that our kids are growing up together and see each other every day. I also love the continuity, sense of roots/history, knowledge of the community etc etc

I couldn't/wouldn't leave my friends. Have no family in the UK so that's not an issue.

I was an expat child who moved around the world, and for a large part of my adult life I moved around the UK. I've lived in this house 10 years and it's the longest I've ever lived in the same place, and I wouldn't give it up easily. I love the sense of being part of a community and the fact I can walk down the street and meet someone I know - it's very important to me, having been rootless most of my life.

The OP hasn't asked would she be unreasonable for moving away from her family and friends - of course she wouldn't be unreasonable to move abroad if that was right for her, her DH and child. She said she wouldn't miss her family and friends. I appreciate that we cannot choose out family but why bother having friends in your life if they mean so little to you.

Why the assumption that those who say they would miss their family if they moved abroad must automatically live in each other's pockets?! I live at least an hour away from my family and only see them every few weeks, and others less, but I would still miss them if I moved thousands of miles away.

I can't comprehend my family and friends meaning so little to me that I wouldn't miss them if I moved thousands of miles away. I would still move away (Spain if I had the chance) but I would certainly miss them.

It's also worth bearing in mind that the Family Guilt Trip is a big part of the Wanted Down Under format.

I'm sure some of the tears that are shed by distraught grandmas are motivated more by giving the producers what they want so your child gets a free holiday, as they are by any genuine sadness.

Hassled - you come from Naarfuk. You probably know every one in Norwich by now

I could never consider moving away from my parents. I love them dearly and they love me and my dc dearly too. For me the better climate etc could never be worth the sacrifice of leaving them behind. It's not about living in each others pockets but about us being part of one another's lives, this can't achieved on the other side of the world!