Mumsnet Talk

Ds1 is 5 years old and started school in August. He initially played everyone but more with a boy, lets call him Jack, but Jack is constantly in trouble at school and DS says 'he's silly and never listens, is always in trouble and ruins everything'. So ds doesn't really play with him now. Jack has other friends (i see them playing at lunchtime when i take ds2 to nursery) so he's not on his own.

I chat to jacks mum frequently at the gates and she seems really nice if not often a bit stressed by her sons behaviour. Shes said in passing that jack and my son should have a play date soon but we've never arranged anything. I asked ds1 if he wanted jack to come over and he said no because he is so naughty at school.

AIBU to avoid a play date then? I feel for the mum but don't think my son should have to play with kids he's not friends with?

Just avoid playdates imo are overrated honestly don't do it maybe the mum is wanting jack to mix with others but tbh I wouldn't encourage it, they are only little boys so I wouldnt worry about his behaviour to much and your son knows he is silly but they are not friends, they can play at school,

Thanks for replying, any other opinions from anyone?

If you do feel 'obliged' to have one, have it at Jack's house so that it isn't your DS's toys being potentially broken.
Or suggest mum comes back for coffee whilst the boys are at school. It might be she's looking for friends rather than for her DS.

Don't worry about it - if she asks put her off until the weather is warmer and suggest a meet up in the park with some other mums and children from your DS's class. That way they are playing but there are other children there as well for them both to mix with. Take a picnic and have fun

Why not arrange at a play centre so that it's on neutral territory and your ds has space to play on his own if he wants!

Tricky, theres a boy with lots of behavioural problems in ds1s class. Ds1 has SN and he is very easily led so his behaviour round this boy is really bad as well. I feel sorry for the child never having playdates but I just can't bring myself to invite him round, he's broken stuff and hurt people at every birthday party he's been at (spent the day punching kids at ds1s party) and id be really worried what he'd do to my youngest as well.

But. He's a nice boy underneath it all, just a terrible home life and obvious undiagnosed SN. So part of me feels I should give him a chance

If you do go for it arrange it at the boys house and go along too, lie and say your ds is nervous of going on his own if you have to.

Hmm. I disagree here. Coming for a couple of hours of supervised play and a bowl of pasta might help both boys- the OP's son might realise that people are different at school and at home and if- and I stress the if- he's been caught up in a pattern of labelling this other child, then he might start to think differently. And the other boy will benefit from being invited despite his school behaviour. Of course, it could confirm that he's a little horror- in which case it's only a couple of hours and you never have to do it again!

Seeker - "He initially played (with) everyone but more with a boy, lets call him Jack, but Jack is constantly in trouble at school and DS says 'he's silly and never listens, is always in trouble and ruins everything'. So ds doesn't really play with him now."

I think the OP's son has not been labelling this boy, he played with him at the beginning and has made his own mind up.

YANBU

I let my DS chose who he has play dates with & if he doesn't want to then I'm honest with the other parents & simply tell them thanks but DS doesn't want to right now & shrug it off.

I wouldn't accept an invite on behalf of my child without asking them first.

If she asks directly then do as others suggest and make an excuse re weather or you all go with a group of other moms to the local park or soft play.

Please can we not use the term 'play date' unless American. It's creeping into our vocab and its a vomit expression.

My kids only ever played with kids they wanted to play with, just as I only socialise with people I like. I hate the word playdate that thankfully wasn't around when my teenagers were young, you just had a kid round "for tea" or "to play". Why the need to stick the word "date" in it? I'd just do like onedev.

stop calling it a 'play date' - it's going to your mates to play ffs - like we did as kids

anyway just say no

I have never heard someone use the term play date in real life - do people really talk like this?. its just having someone over to play. Thankfully this is not something I need to organise for DS2 whos 10, he just goes to peoples houses and his friends come here whenever they want.

no my dds never went on playdates either do people really honestly call them that when they have other kids round to play

I wouldn't invite over a child who DC doesn't like.
You can't force friendships.
Avoid being asked to the other child's house, otherwise politeness dictates you'll have to ask him back to yours.
Or if you can't avoid it, take them to soft play. Neutral territory and all that.

I like the word playdate, says what it does on the Tin.
I agree with others about making it my child's decision. Wait for the other mother to invite your DS around then ask your DS, you may find he quite likes the idea after all!
If you have to beg off because your DS declines, then try to be as tactful as possible, your child could easily be the naughty one next week.

I don't use it in rl, it's just quicker to type on my phone

And my kids have started saying 'math' instead of maths!!!'n

Fucking irritating.

play date is like my other teeth gnashing phrase school run - it's taking your children to school.
Where in the name of Jeff does School Run come from?

WRT to the other boy- maybe your DS doesn't want his toys broken.
Maybe he's worried about other boys reaction towards him if it is seen that the "so naughty at school" boy who "ruins everything" is his friend going round to his house; they'll think your DS will behave the same?
He's 5 yo. They want to 'fit in'.

TBH I'd leave it a while and maybe do something more casual ( indoor play type if you can bear it)

the math/maths is American isn't it thebody.
I've noticed my DC pick things up from all the disney Channel crap they watch (thankfully now they've outgrown it, but I used to stop them watching some programmes - I-Carly especially)

I would try once. Maybe he'll be a different child outside of the school setting. You can also arrange it so both boys are in the same room with you so you can watch for yourself how he is...

My DD has a child that I tried to do this with, and well, quite frankly I had a very difficult time with her! She came to my DD birthday party, and she was soo bad. I even tried to contact her mom to come and get her, but she wouldn't answer her phone!! I won't be inviting her again!!

Try once...I feel for the other mom...she is prob. wanting to reach out and meet other mothers, esp. who's children go to school with her son.

It also teaches your son to not judge someone so quickly too.

I wouldn't do it at all. Your DS isn't friends with this child, he won't thank you for forcing him to play and share his toys with a child he doens't get along with.

My DS played with a boy when he started school because he knew him from nursery. He quickly realised that he is badly behaved and made other friends. I would not force him to become friends with this child or have him over. They should be able to decide for themselves who their friends are without parents forcing them to befriend children they don't like. Children say what they think and your son could end up saying something hurtful in earshot of this boy or him mum.

I am also glad that my DS is sensible enough to stay away from a badly behaved child and not want to be involved with him.

Your son has said of this boy "he's silly and never listens, is always in trouble and ruins everything". Has he actually said he doesn't like Jack? Because if he hasn't, I'd be inclined to arrange for Jack to come round once, and see how it goes. Because how Jack behaves in front of a lot of schoolfriends could be very different to how he behaves in another person's house. See for yourself what the boy is actually like, you (and your son) may like him on a one-to-one basis.

Invite the mother to stay for coffee and the pair of you monitor the children closely 'to see how they get on when it's just the two of them'. See how it goes.

I have a slightly different, but similar in some ways situation. My dd, who is 9 has been invited a few times to have a sleepover with a girl at her school (but they have never been best friends). This girl's mum is always very generous and takes them swimming, to the cinema, out for dinner etc. She has also taken her to the safari park. My dd tends to come home unhappy because this girl hasn't been nice to her while she was there and she is also 'snappy' with her at school.

So, on one hand I feel like her mum has been so generous with my dd that I really ought to return the favour (and give her mum a break too) but on the other my dd doesn't want her to come, because they don't actually get on that well and I feel if they don't get on what's the point.

If it's a party, we invite everyone, whatever but obviously 1:1 time together is far more intense.