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To want DH to get a grip and seriously shed the weight?

(129 Posts)
ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:30:12

Ok. Here goes. DH is Type 1 diabetic and has been for a decade. When he was diagnosed he was 'chunky' but very fit: football two or three times a week, walked plenty, played badminton and swam. He was a 34 inch waist. He contracted a viral infection and subsequently was diagnosed with diabetes in his late 20s. He has always been relatively fit but had to be on top of his weight - he has a big frame. Upon diagnosis of diabetes he did no exercise for a year as his blood sugars were just too erratic.
Slowly he took up exercise sporadically only to drift in and out of it. In the process the pounds began to pile on. For a long time we worked at it together - healthy eating, walks, etc. However, there are now 3 DC and DH has slowly over a number of years become obese.
I am in despair about this. He cannot walk because his back and calf gets too sore. He won't swim (alone or with kids) as he is too self-conscious. He refuses Weight watchers or any other slimming class, insisting that he can do this himself. He refuses any kind of professional help.
He needs to get rid of abut 6 stone. I am fully committed to helping him achieve this but I am so so frustrated. He will not exercise and can barely make it to the park with us. He is also continuing to eat crap but tells me he isn't. It is the continual procrastination that worries me/depresses me and now makes me so angry.
I appreciate it isn't easy but now, in his early 40s, he needs to seriously wise up and realise that as a family we need him to be fit and healthy.
Two years ago he lost 2 stone following a low carb diet but has since put it all back on.
We had a blazing row about it last night and I don't know where else to turn. I can't talk to friends about it as I would feel incredibly disloyal to DH. But what can I do? How can I get him off the couch?

SoleSource England Wed 16-Jan-13 19:31:46

A blazing row...if that was me I would leave

SoleSource England Wed 16-Jan-13 19:32:18

As I am fat too ..

magimedi88 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:32:31

Don't want to read & run.

Could he be depressed? It's all just too much for him to cope with? Possibly that needs tackling first??

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:38:36

Solesource, it's not about being fat. It's about his health - and our DC.
He can't make it to the park and back which is less than a ten mintes walk without heaving and sweating. He is sore all the time. He gets ill all the time.
We need him healthy. We need him to be there and be an active parent.
magimedi88. Yes, I think so. But DH keeps saying that if he lost the weight he would feel mentally and physically better.
I just feel really demorailsed and stuck. I love him, I want him to be healthy. Carrying so much weight is affecting us as a family and I just have no idea where to turn to next.

Do you not think the poor bloke feels bad enough without you having a go at him?

Why are you so angry with him? Do you not fancy him now he's fat? Are you concerned for his health? Do you get irritated that he's not doing what you want him to?

If my partner was in despair and picking rows with me about me being overweight, I'd leave them without a backward glance.

Although I'm probably wasting MN bandwidth by replying...

bigTillyMint Wed 16-Jan-13 19:42:59

I don't think this is just a weight issue - both DH's brother and father are probably obese, but they do physical jobs and could easily do a long walk or cycle a few miles. They do not get ill.
It sounds like he has other medical issues apart from the weight.

Obviously losing the weight would help him to get fitter though.

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:45:20

Almostahipster: Have you ever tried taking three kids swimming on your own?

I do feel bad for him, but this has been an ongoing issue for years. I just want him to get some help.

I'll feel really bad for my DC if the sedentary lifestlye of my DH causes signifciant health issues -as it is threatening to do.

Is it really so wrong of me to want him to lose weight so that we can do things together as a family?

Andro Wed 16-Jan-13 19:48:02

He sounds as though he's depressed and in denial, you sound as if fear has manifested its self as anger and lost your cool - both are completely understandable!

Does your DH see a specialist diabetic nurse? If so, maybe s/he can discuss the reasons for his weight gain/lack of exercise/lack of motivation.

Have you tried discussing your fears calmly? maybe ask if he mind if you go with him the next time he has a appointment?

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:50:43

Andro, you're right. I feel impotent and frustrated.
He does see a specialist but only once a year or so and it is not the same person each visit. The advice is always very generic - and I think he needs more help. Even weightwatchers or something I think would give him some motivation. I am talking to the wall though.... sad

Actually, yes, many times. I'm a lone parent with three children.

I just think you should give your DH a break. Being angry with him is not going to motivate him to lose weight. It is very difficult to lose weight, especially if you have a medical condition.

The only way he's going to lose weight is by him wanting to, feeling supported by those around him (rather than judging him) and finding an eating plan that he's comfortable with. Plus, it might take him a few attempts before he succeeds. He needs to know that you're not going to kick off if he 'fails'.

MumVsKids Wed 16-Jan-13 19:55:19

My friend is in a very similar position.

Her DH is morbidly obese, but he does nothing to help himself. 10 years ago when they met, he was early thirties, 32-34 waist, fit, healthy and quite an attractive man. He's ex squaddie so was always quite active.

Fast forward 10 years, he now drives a hell of a distance to do his job, upwards of 4000 miles a week shock some weeks. He eats crap, takeaways every night, no breakfast unless he stops for a fry up at motorway services en route.

He's now maybe 8-10 stone overweight shock he looks twenty years older than he actually is (43), he sweats like a leaking sponge and shuffles like an old man as he can't walk properly - he waddles more than shuffles actually.

To cut to the chase, he is repulsive, his wife thins so, I think so and yet he is deaf to the comments and suggestions to take more exercise.

His wife is desperate to have back the man she married and has resorted to blazing rows to get him to listen, but to no avail. If he doesn't take action soon, i fear she will leave him as she is so worried about finding him dead after a massive heart attack.

She cannot understand why he won't do it for his DDs, and instead chooses to spend his nights in a hotel watching films or surfing the web, when he could make use of the very extensive gym facilities available to him.

Worse than this, is that he will bollock his wife around the block for treating their DDs to a McDonald's after their swimming lessons and he doesn't even see the irony. sad

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:55:56

AlmostAHipster, I didn't 'kick off'.
DH has been telling me for the past month that he is fed up being heavy, that he wants to lose weight and that he wants to feel better about himself. I have shooped accordingly, cooked accordingly and last night he turned his nose up at a decent dinner (mince and pots) and instead went out for petrol and had a McDonalds.

Sorry, but that's just shit.

DoubleMum Wed 16-Jan-13 19:56:09

You're not BU to want him to do it, of course.
But you're BVU to have a blazing row about it.

EmmaBemma Wed 16-Jan-13 19:57:16

Why are you so angry with him? Do you not fancy him now he's fat? "

What a stupid post. Do you know anything about diabetes? It's a serious enough condition on its own, and being overweight only adds to the risks. It's understandable that ali23 is worried and frustrated. It's not like someone being annoyed their husband has put on a couple of pounds over Christmas.

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:57:22

MumsvKids. I understand her frustration completely.

Andro Wed 16-Jan-13 19:58:02

AlmostAHipster - are we reading the same posts?

OP has 3 dc and a DH for whom she is scared. Losing the weight, especially with type 1 diabetes will not be easy but if he's not eating sensibly then he's on a path to self destruction! OP just doesn't want to be a widowed mother of 3!

EmmaBemma Wed 16-Jan-13 19:59:27

"But you're BVU to have a blazing row about it."

These things happen. Sounds like there's been a long lead-up to the blazing row, and whilst it's less than ideal, I can understand it. We're none of us perfect.

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:59:42

EmmaBemma. Exactly. We have three kids! I need him to be involved and also to be able to take kids to the park/beach on his own from time to time so that I get an hour to myself to do chores or sort things out at home or, god forbid, an hour to myself - which I never. ever get. Instead, he is always worried he'll 'hypo' on his own because the walk to the park takes so much out of him.

Vakant Wed 16-Jan-13 20:00:07

Yanbu. I don't know why you are getting such a hard time from some posters. You just want him to be healthy and be around for you and your kids. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. If he was a smoker with smoking related health problems and that was preventing him from participating fully in family life, then I doubt anyone would say you were being unreasonable.

So if a woman on here complains that her DH hates the fact that she's put on weight during the marriage, then most posters will respond that he's a bastard but it's ok for a wife to be angry about it?

M'kay then hmm

Fluffy1234 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:00:39

I feel sorry for your DH, the last thing he needs is you on his back. OP have you ever been fat? I've been in the position of your DH when I was obese and he started the nagging etc. It really doesn't help.

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:01:08

Andro - this is really helpful. Thanks so much.

EmmaBemma Wed 16-Jan-13 20:01:13

Read my post, Hipster. There are serious health implications involved here, life-limiting ones - it's not like creeping up from a size 12 to a size 16.

IslaValargeone Wed 16-Jan-13 20:02:21

I too am wondering whether depression might be a factor?
I don't think you are being unreasonable to want him to lose the weight. If somebody's lifestyle was affecting them to the point where they could not walk or engage with the family, any body would be pissed off.
I don't see it should be any different because it's a food issue. This is resolvable and I think you are justified in being upset.
That being said, I think you need to push for some help from a dietician or other specialist. I'm surprised his diabetic specialist isn't voicing more concern or giving him a referral.
Maybe a calm chat about seeing the GP to express any concerns over help with potential depression issues and taking it from there?

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