...to wonder why my DH won't have sex with me?

(154 Posts)
Confusedandrejected Mon 14-Jan-13 19:48:41

Am a regular but have namechanged for this.

I'm feeling rejected, unattractive and unwanted as my DH won't as much as kiss me or hold me, let alone have sex with me, since our PFB was born three months ago.
He's sleeping in the spare room, under the excuse that he can't bear to be woken by my bfing at night. However, I think it's mainly because he's still repulsed by my body and doesn't want any sort of physical contact.

Prior to my becoming pregnant we had a fantastic sex life. But throughout my pregnancy my sex drive rose as his waned. He admitted he wasn't attracted to my changing body (I put on two stone, all bump and boobs) and we only had sex twice in the third trimester.

I hoped things would change once DS was born as I was so keen for things to get back to normal, but he's barely touched me. A kiss on the cheek is the most contact we've had. I talked to him about it and he says the birth (v long labour, failed ventouse, forcep delivery) has put him off.
This I understand, and I know I should give him time, but he won't hug me, kiss me or even let me give him a blow job (i hoped this would be a way to resume our sex life!)

I know it shouldn't matter, but fwiw I have lost all the baby weight and am back to my usual size 10/12. Still, he has pointed out the new jiggliness of my tummy, the few stretchmarks and the massiveness of my boobs while I'm bfing. He's even suggested I have a reduction as he dislikes them so much.

So AIBU to want some physical contact? I'm not trying to push him into sex, but I feel starved of any intimacy. I feel like a mother and not a sexual woman anymore- each night I'm feeding in our bed while he wanks off to porn in the spare room. I feel uncomfortable in my new postpartum body, a body he obviously finds repulsive. I'm scared he'll leave me and honestly don't know what to do.

carmenelectra Wed 16-Jan-13 11:46:11

Agree with ledkr. Even if you thought those things, who in the right mind would say em??
Also, the blatant playing with himself to porn just to make op feel worse.

Doesn't sound like a depressed man, sounds like an idiot.

EarlyMorningBaconDemon Tue 15-Jan-13 21:49:17

What the fuck?!?!

I rag on my body almost weekly at the moment. Do you know what my partner does?! He gives me the biggest cuddle he can and tells me that, no matter if I've put on three stone since we met, he finds me even more gorgeous because of all that I've achieved and how complete I've made him feel with us and our son.

THAT is how it should be.

I'm sorry but what an utter cuntfarthing. I'm genuinely shocked. How on earth are the blokes of this planet ever going to learn?! Fucking hell.

Just remember that no matter what he says - you're still beautiful. You could be awake for 49 hours straight without a single scrub or shampoo and you'd STILL be gorgeous because you have a beautiful baby who you created. Don't let some dumbass wankstain bring you down because of it.

shesariver Tue 15-Jan-13 21:37:00

He has been a bit on a nasty dopey twat, but as you say he has not always been like this

Actually the OP has said he has "form" for nasty cruel comments about her body.

OP I dont necessarily think you are a doormat, just a new Mum with all the ensuing hormones stuck in a pretty bad situation with no idea how to change it - and when you do try to talk to your DH it gets nowhere. Watch out for him getting worse as your DS grows, possibly getting jealous of your DS, he sounds like the type.

chandellina Tue 15-Jan-13 20:30:22

He sounds like he could be depressed. I know no one wants to hear a word in his defense but it doesn't sound like he's coping very well with being a husband or father and maybe needs professional help.

BinksToEnlightenment Tue 15-Jan-13 20:07:15

I know it's overwhelming having pages and pages of these comments. And that if you were to leave, now probably isn't the right time for you.

But what he has said to you is pretty awful. You deserve better than to be treated like this.

Just remember that.

I hope things get better for you

AgathaF Tue 15-Jan-13 19:55:48

TwoFacedCows - He has been a bit on a nasty dopey twat, but as you say he has not always been like this. Actually, the OP has said that he does have form for these type of nasty comments.

thebody Tue 15-Jan-13 19:54:13

Op I read your post to my lads, 23 and 21..

They were silent and then shocked at his childishness, entitlement and cruelty.

Think on chick.

ledkr Tue 15-Jan-13 19:42:45

I think what makes him twatty most is not that he is struggling with his feelings after giving birth and changes to your body, but the fact that he has told you how he feels even a child would know not to hurt someone's feelings and a half decent man would not be so frank about it knowing it was a horrible thing to say.
So it's probably not unheard of to have these feelings but only a complete bastard would actually tell his wife that.

RoLoh Tue 15-Jan-13 19:14:52

I'm not ruling out that your dh is a twat and he does sound hugely insensitive, but it also sounds to me like there could be other factors in play here. It might not be about you and your body at all.

Based on what you said, it could be that his self-esteem is low and he is taking it out on you (especially as he is seeing what an amazing job you're doing as a mum and bringing in the bacon). Perhaps deep down he wasn't really ok with being a SAHP (ego issues etc.) and then being made redundant gave him a further blow, combined with the fact that men tend to feel a lot of pressure to support their children financially as the prospect of being a father really sinks in. Plus seeing the trauma of the birth and his feeling even more helpless etc.

Some men deal with that stuff by withdrawing and focusing on something else. And in his case, I guess he is taking his own feelings of inadequacy out on you by being mean to you. He probably hasn't even considered how much pressure you're feeling or what impact the birth has had on you.

Of course if any of this is actually true, it doesn't make it ok, and I have no idea what you'd do about it other than try to talk it over and point out how he's making you feel. I do feel bad for you because I know how awful it is to feel rejected and in need of some physical affection!

I think a lot of men are probably freaked out by post-birth bodies but have enough sensitivity (and sense) not to mention it!

TwoFacedCows Tue 15-Jan-13 18:58:08

OP no I don't think eave the bastard should be your gut response. I think in most cases people on here say it far to easily. He has been a bit on a nasty dopey twat, but as you say he has not always been like this.

Maybe he is feeling unsure and overwhelmed at becoming a father and doesn't quite know how to handle it - and making you feel less confident is his ( stupid, unpleasant and wrong) way of handling it. Someone did say that men can suffer PND, so perhaps it is something like that.

I hope you are able to talk to him and find out exactly what is wrong. I dont think you need to leave the bastard. you love him, and want your DS to grow up with his mummy and daddy together, and all relationships need work ( especially after a baby!!) Sit down and have a bloody good open and honest talk, I am sure it will work wonders.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 15-Jan-13 18:33:48

Hi OP

Does he study all day or does he look after the baby during the day a fair bit so you can rest as you are having broken nights and he is having full nights of sleep?

Is the course something short term that will get him a short term job, as he will be SAHD in five months' time? Or is it a course for the future?

Sorry it is lots of questions but it sounds like you are being run ragged emotionally, physically and financially and I'm not sure how much of the burden is really being shared - as opposed to being added to by his cruel remarks and his leaving you isolated in the night.

NumericalMum Tue 15-Jan-13 18:05:15

I think that some counselling together would really help if you really don't want to leave.

I do find it odd that a man who is going to be a sahd sleeps in another room?!

AnyFucker Tue 15-Jan-13 17:57:17

Getting a job of some description (even if just PT) would also give him less time to go skulking off to his room to wank to porn. Incidentally, have you ever checked his history ? Compulsive porn use can escalate to webcamming, chat rooms, no-strings attached sex hook-ups and more "real life" encounters.

Men who do this have to demonise their partner, to make it "ok" in their eyes. I am really not sure you are being given the full picture here, and you seem strangely keen to accept his pathetic attempts at putting you off the scent when you do try to talk to him.

I would not be surprised if there is a whole other life he is leading.

dinkystinky Tue 15-Jan-13 17:50:26

OP - that's a lot of change - he lost his job, you got pregnant,had a difficult birth, now adjusting to life with a small baby and he is due to be a stay at home parent. I suspect both you and he are finding it hard. But while you are open to talking things through, he isnt - and when he does talk he says things that hurt you. If you think the relationship has something worth saving in it, then do encourage him to go to relate where you can both speak about how you feel and open up. Be prepared, you will most likely hear more things that hurt and upset you. Sadly if he wont commit to that, and wont open up, I dont see what you can do to make things change.

And FWIW I would be livid if my DH said to me what your DH said to you. And if you and he are finding it hard on just SMP, then perhaps he should get out there and see if he can get a job while you are on maternity leave (to fit around his study) as some money coming in is better than none at all.

MadameOvary Tue 15-Jan-13 17:45:26

Oh classic. You try to talk to him about something that is distressing you and he gets upset and refers to your need to talk as "putting him under pressure". He is unwilling to offer even verbal comfort FFS.
All he really wants is for you to stop talking about it. He will not suddenly become loving and supportive, why would he? He has offered the excuse why he doesn't want sex, and you are the one trying to make it better (!) when you should be telling him to go fuck himself.

If you want to consider what caused these changes I would also look at the possibility of an OW.

AgathaF Tue 15-Jan-13 17:36:54

Of course it doesn't make you a doormat at this stage. I know that posters would just wish hope that you don't allow this erosion of your self-esteem and confidence from his cruel remarks and behaviour to go on in the long term.

It seems that there are two issues, although they are linked. The issue of his current lack of intimacy during your pregnancy and since the birth. Even if he was traumatised following the delivery, that doesn't mean that he should deliberately try to sabotage your self-esteem like this, and it doesn't mean that there should be no intimacy - he could hug, kiss, hand hold, generally be affectionate even if sex is not manageable for him at present.

The other issue is his verbal cruelty. That is not connected to your changed body, but has been a long term issue. Did you ever challenge him on this before? What was his response?

I wonder if he is withholding sex/affection as a punishment because you are now given attention to something other than him?

AnyFucker Tue 15-Jan-13 17:33:52

If he doesn't want to be loving and supportive (and his actions suggest not) then you cannot achieve the relationship you want.

Have you thought about the possibility that his sexual needs are being taken care of elsewhere...other than the porn ?

Confusedandrejected Tue 15-Jan-13 17:15:05

He's not currently looking for work, as we decided together that he would be a SAHP. He was made redundant while I was pregnant and has since started a course to give him more chance of getting a decent job once it's completed.
I earn almost double what he did (he was on min wage) so it makes more sense for me to be the worker. We saved as much money as we could after he lost his job, to enable me to have 8 months off with DS. DH is studying while I'm on mat leave- hope that explains the finances better.

He has said some cuntish and cruel things, which sap away at my self esteem. I know this. I also know i'm more sensitive than usual at the moment and am not standing up for myself properly. I'm exhausted, skint, and my body's not my own.

But I am loath to simply LTB straight away, and leave my newborn without a dad at home, without trying to get to the bottom of it.
We had a brilliant sex life before, and a very strong loving relationship, and I don't understand how it can have changed so drastically with DS's arrival.
I love him and before I dismiss his twattish behaviour with "oh, he's a cunt" and walk out, I would rather consider what could've caused these changes.

Does this make me a doormat? Some of you evidently think so. But should LTB really be my gut response? I tried to talk to him earlier about the lack of intimacy, he got upset and said I shouldn't put him under so much pressure.
I want him to be loving and supportive but I honestly don't know if we can achieve this.

nannyof3 Tue 15-Jan-13 17:11:41

What a bastard !!

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Tue 15-Jan-13 17:04:31

I agree with OTT, posts like this just make me want to scream. I'm walking away from this thread

AnyFucker Tue 15-Jan-13 16:43:00

OoOOoo, back of the net Snatch smile

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 15-Jan-13 16:35:30

Does he sleep in the spare room so that he is fresh for intensive job hunting during the day, OP?

sannaville Tue 15-Jan-13 14:48:49

Man boobs not man joins!

sannaville Tue 15-Jan-13 14:48:05

What a nob! Perhaps point out to him in the time you have known him how much his stomach has dropped, his balls have sagged, his man joins have grown and his Dick looks considerably more shrivelled but you don't comment AMD still love him! Then tell him to get over it or move out!

AnyFucker Tue 15-Jan-13 13:39:42

My 12 yo knows that this man's attitude is all kinds of wrong

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