to think my friends are total shits

(54 Posts)

my mum passed away mid november, although terminally ill it was quite unexpected. since then none of my friends have visited me or asked to meet up ect. i have had three texts one saying friend has been really busy at work, fair enough but plastered all over facebook are night out photos ect. male friend said he would have come round but thinks dp would find it weird him visiting. dp has never before been bothered by him coming round and doesnt do jealous at all. and other friends with dc who we all usually exchange presents over christmas have just totally avoided us too. im aware ive not been the.most fun to be around over christmas but ive been okay. a coffee with a friend and the chance to talk would of been nice. ive even asked to go out ect but just get excuses why its not convenient.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Tue 01-Jan-13 14:06:05

I know people often find it uncomfortable to be around someone who is grieving but your friends don't sound much like friends to me. Have they given you any support at all? I am sorry to hear about your mum.

YouOldTinsellySlag Tue 01-Jan-13 14:06:21

YANBU. They should be seeing more of you not less of you. That's awful and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Calabria Tue 01-Jan-13 14:08:50

I am very sorry for your loss.

YANBU

missrlr Tue 01-Jan-13 14:08:57

So sorry to hear of your loss.

No you ANBU Shocking behaviour, not friends at all. Ignore the ignorant so and so's.

Hopefully you have some proper friends who do speak with you and can support you at this time and beyond.

noteventhebestdrummer Tue 01-Jan-13 14:09:45

Ask them to help you?

i havent seen a single one of my friends since the start of november when we found out what was.happening. i had one friend coming round but she wanted to come the night i came out of hospital but i wasnt up to it. it was the day after the funeral. nothing since, i feel really pathetic being upset about it but i have seen them all through some horrible things and i feel totally let down

TheMonster Tue 01-Jan-13 14:13:25

Sadly, people don't know how to help or react to people who are grieving. When my sister died in 2004 my friends all vanished.

have asked, male friend says dp wont like him coming round. which is crap. his dp quite posessive and doesnt like him visiting friends without her. i am friends with both of them. rest of friends just say oh yes will let you know when free then never bother,excuse for over christmas was well we didnt think you would feel like it so didnt ask

sorry to hear that eeyore, i never thought about it before but it seems to be true

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat Tue 01-Jan-13 14:16:30

It is sad when people just ignore those with a recent family bereavement. When my stepdad died, people would cross the street when they saw my mum coming. Some don't know what to say or how you may react when asked how you are doing. Not fair on you though. Sorry for your loss.

YANBU, I'm sorry your friends are being awful, could you arrange coffee out with them all, tell them what you think and see where it goes from there?

Paiviaso Tue 01-Jan-13 14:18:16

I also was going to say a lot of people aren't really sure how to help someone who's had a loss, but if you've specifically asked them to spend time with you and they are avoiding it, then they are indeed being very shit.

NewYearsEvelyn Tue 01-Jan-13 14:21:52

So sorry to hear of your loss. I know this is a difficult time and your feelings are perfectly natural. I am a rubbish friend in some ways so always wonder if these threads are about me. (I confess I can be a little neurotic too). I read them with my heart in my mouth, in case I've forgotten something or caused offence without realising how. It's easily done as we, as a species, tend to be self absorbed and insular. Being thoughtful of others takes time and effort and when families are young, we are sometimes not as good at this as we should be.

Having said all of that, I like to think I would be around for a friend who had suffered a loss. It's not always easy, but I would at the very least have been in contact a few times and would have offered a shoulder.

You have to assess how good these friends are. Would they be there if you asked them for help? Have they been helpful to you in the past? Is your relationship with them equal to some degree? I know we don't do things for friends to get things back but we can feel very aggrieved if we are giving and giving and getting little or nothing back in return. Also, are their lives complex at the moment? There may be things going off for them too.

If, on balance, your friends aren't a positive factor in your life, maybe you need to look at making some new friends... Take care of yourself and I hope you get your strength back soon.

from reading your post i wonder if there is a point in me getting in touch to be honest. bar one couple all my friends are childless, work normal hours and live within 5 to 15 minutes of me. i havent necessarily asked for help more some company especially when dp on nights to stop me going over and over things. i love my friends very much but they are all mid 20s, have never lost a parent and dont know what its like i guess.

nearly2013 Tue 01-Jan-13 14:35:27

Sorry to hear of your loss, and yes your friends are shits. My dad died when I was just turned 17 and my friends were tw*ts too. Not one was there for me and I had been there for them for other things. Years later one said she felt guilty she wasnt there but still. In fact I dont bother with any of them now but thats another story.

sorry to hear you went through the same thing nearly i wondered if i was being oversensitive because of how naff i feel

nearly2013 Tue 01-Jan-13 14:42:40

No definetly not, thats not being a real friend if you want to just have fun and forget things like that. This is my opinion so I'm sure not everyone will agree with me but I would feel like you do.

JuliaScurr Tue 01-Jan-13 14:47:32

lots of people are uncomfortable around grief and bereavement. that doesn't help the bereaved, but at least you know it's nothing personal
hope they pull themselves out of it soon

i dont see it happening to be honest, its a shame we have been friends since first year of high school but i feel like theres no point in trying if they care that little about how im doing

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas Tue 01-Jan-13 14:57:06

Went through the exact same thing when my dad passed away 2 yrs ago. Tbh it left me feeling like I didn't have any friends, well not true, good friends anyway.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

i am. and for the most part im doing okay but dreading the inquest. i am managing though and going about things. dp and children and family being brill i just miss my friends i guess

EarlyInTheMorning Tue 01-Jan-13 15:14:11

I'm sorry you've lost your mum. You need your friends now more than ever. I don't know what's wrong with people sometimes...

JustAHolyFool Tue 01-Jan-13 15:15:42

They sound twattish, OP. I know a lot of people are not comfortable with grief, but I don't think that excuses ignoring a friend.

ProPerformer Tue 01-Jan-13 15:25:21

OP that sounds awful for you.
I've never lost a parent so don't have a clue what you're going through, but if you live anywhere near me I'd take you for a coffee or summin - I'm sure your friends are not deliberately leaving you alone, they probably just don't know what to do. Sucks for you though.

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