Mumsnet Talk

ok so AIBU to shove anything down anyone's throat but...

MIL is always on one diet or another

DD has spent a few days there while I worked so unavoidable and option of not sending her to MIL is unrealistic her dad is too busy to see his dcs over christmas, too busy hanging out with his friends

DD is coming home telling me that she is doing MIL's latest diet with her and has apparently 'only' eaten 800-1000 calories per day and will I buy her a bikini for our summer holidays if she sticks to it?

WTAF?????

dd is like any other child -rounds off then shoots up and slims down

she is currently at the high end of the normal BMI but is still normal and is due a spurt

what the bloody hell is my MIL playing at???

dds dad not interested and MIL always right so I am venting

That's awful. Did your MIL encourage DD or could she have just picked it up on her own?

It sounds as though she's very haphazardly trying to help.

Your DD obviously wants to lose weight and so she's turned to her gran for help.

If I were you I'd calm down and quietly speak to your DD about helping her to get trim, if that's what she wants to do.

What did your MIL say when you told her this?

YANBU. Not fair on your dd who is at an age where she will start feeling self conscious. Healthy eating and exercise I'm all for, but calorie counting at 11 is not healthy and your MIL deserves a bit of a shake tbh.

YANBU I think this attitude is extremely unhealthy. You might want to have a firm word with MIL to NEVER mention diets or weight again.

MIL thinks it's important for girls to know how to manage their weight as so many turn into fat teens

OMG!

Get trim? At 11? I would speak to her about healthy eating and explain that what your body needs aged 11 is totally different from what it needs when you are old. And that is true.

if she said to her gran she thought she was fat, gran should have told her she is lovely

she is a normal weight

Ah. So it's likely that she's encouraging this then? In that case I would definitely have a calm but firm chat with her.

Find alternative childcare, that is dangerous.

Dieting wrecks your metabolism over time, and your MIL is very misguided if she thinks she's helping: it's more likely to set her on a path to obesity. I agree that you need to tell her firmly to butt out.

So many teens develop eating disorders or body issues, too. What a twat.

By all means speak to your dd gently about a healthy eating plan and exercise, but show her that none of MIL's diets work, ridicule it as silly behaviour if you have to.

If my mum pulled this I would be utterly furious.

Hence what you MIL eats is not necessarily the best thing.

What is important is that you're honest with yourself about your DD's weight and about how your DD feels about it.

There's no point in getting angry with your MIL...although encouraging calorie counting was stupid of her.

You may see your DD as 'rounding off' and given how generous BMI is, being at the high end of it can still mean she's overweight.

Either way your DD should be turning to you about these things...so just make sure she can and that you won't over react.

Well done to your mother in law. She's taken your daughter one step down the road to a bloody eating disorder.

Worra - can you seriously not see how unhealthy it is to encourage an 11-YEAR-OLD to eat 800 calories a day?! Both physically and mentally.

worra I am honest with myself about her weight, most of the time she bumbles about at the bottom end of normal and then every so often gets a little belly and then grows about a foot slight exaggeration

she always stays within normal

I use elmo's theory of sometimes food and anytime food -got to love sesame street!

she cooks, has a balanced diet and is active

she does get a little bit about her changing body and we do talk about puberty & changing body shape etc

but I feel like all my messages to her have been undone in 2 days

Oh gosh that is dangerous.

My DP had an eating disorder when he was a teenager, these things can be triggered by something really small. Your MIL is not something really small. Disgusting attitudes and ideas are being put on your DD and it's not right or acceptable.

Seriously find someone else to look after her. This woman is not fit to do it.

What do you mean by the high end of BMI?

Id say now is your chance to teach your dd healthy food habits and what isn't good (calorie counting for example as you can eat shit food and be within the calorie limit).

Sit down with your dd and ask her about it. No accusation just ask.

Tell your MIL to back off but maybe she's hit a sore spot here?

Figuratively you can shove it down her throat.

That's bloody terrible! Like someone else said, if my Mum did that to one of my DD's there would be nuclear fallout.
It's hard enough being a teenage girl and that kind of yo yo dieting could set her on a crappy path of lifelong fad diets and unnecessary worrying over her body image.

Presumably you told your DD she can have the bikini without needing to do the diet? I guess you could encourage healthy eating and exercise with the holiday in mind but even then, I think it's better not to focus on one event as a time to have a nice body by. Better its just the normal way she lives than think she has to change herself to be seen on a beach.

I'm not normally one for confrontation, especially with MIL's but I think you need to pull your MIL up on this. Call her or arrange to see her and firmly tell her it's not ok.

My MIL is a terrible fattist and I dread the day but know it is coming, when she tells one of my DD's they are fat (they're just babies right now so this is hypothetical). She will get both barrels from me on that day.

That's terrible My exP had an eating disorder for years, mainly due to his mother constantly worrying aloud about food. Unfortunately, she herself is like that because of her own mother.

800-1000 calories for an 11 year old growing, developing girl is really dangerous.

high end of BMI

5ft 3

7st 10

according to the NHS BMI calculator this is a healthy weight, slidy bar thing is on the heavier side of the middle but still healthy

Worra - can you seriously not see how unhealthy it is to encourage an 11-YEAR-OLD to eat 800 calories a day?! Both physically and mentally

Huh?

I only made a couple of small posts, how on earth did you get that from reading them?

Of course it's seriously unhealthy!

My point to the OP (which she has since answered) was is she really being honest about her DD's weight?

If she wasn't, then getting annoyed at her MIL wouldn't be the answer.

Speaking to her DD, understanding how she feels and helping her to get fit and trim would have been the best way imo.