To want to have a clumsy tantrum

(52 Posts)
Clumsyoaf Thu 13-Dec-12 14:17:10

Hi... just wanted to ask a wwyd? and would IBU....

Was invited to my lovely MIL for dinner last night - shes very thoughtful, it was my birthday, my husband is away and she knew I would be on my own. She had invited some of the family and generally made a fuss.

All was going well, left 4 year old DD on sofa with blanket whilst i went to nappy change the little one, i realised that I had left the sudocream in the change bag downstairs and heard an exchange between MIL and SIL's... I know eavesdropping always end in trouble but I have to admit I am very nosey. It appears that my SIL's are trying to persuade my MIL to "uninvite" me to xmas day dinner. Apparently the kids are too much of a hand full and it will take away the kind of xmas they want. They suggested they all come to clumsys early morning with a picnic breakfast to watch the kids open presents but leave it at that.

I am actually really really hurt by this, I have no family nearby and whilst I am meeting new people through the children i dont know anyone well enough outside the family with who i can share xmas day with. My mil sounded like she was on the verge of tears- which i feel horrible about. MIL said she will speak with me.

My SIL's although not close, are friendly enough. They always make effort on birthdays and fuss over the children... I cant think of anything that the children may have said or done to make them uninvitable...

I really can't understand why a day thats (in my opinion) all about the children means excluding mine at a family xmas day dinner. Btw, DH has a very big family, they have always come to MILand everyone chips in and its always lovely.. but my children are the youngest (my DH is the youngest of the family with a 12 year age gap between him and youngest SIL).

So, what do i do? WWYD? a part of me wants to save myself and MIL the humiliation by pulling out on my own accord... offer to come to MIL/FIL for breakfast or them come to mine but say dinner may be too much for the children. OR Do I sit it out and wait to see what is said? Or, do I raid the rainy day fund and fly out to my family and not tell any of them where I am (thats not even an option ...really ... wish it was).

I have really no one else that I can talk to ...Thanks if you have managed to stay awake this long...

FivesGoldNorks Thu 13-Dec-12 14:20:35

What a selfish bunch! Can you invite mil to yours nd make it clear they don't fit in with your idea of a perfect Christmas?

TheHoneyDragonsDrunkInTheIvy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:22:32

First of all ((hugs)). Your MiL does sound lovely and I feel so sorry for you and her sad

What do you want to do? If you do go, it will be tainted as you'll know SiL--is a nasty bitch face cow-- doesn't want you or her brother there.

Is it too late to organise a nice family Xmas for you guys and tell them to go fuck themselves if they think they are coming for breakfast?

Sounds like your SiL wants all the joy of the youngsters opening their presents and then a meal for grown ups - with no excited dcs. In which case tough tits to her.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Thu 13-Dec-12 14:22:34

I don't have any suggestions, that sounds awful and hurtful. You and your poor DC. Will your DH away at Christmas too?

TheHoneyDragonsDrunkInTheIvy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:22:58

strike out fail

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Thu 13-Dec-12 14:24:50

Clumsy I don't know what to say, if the celebrations are under MIL's roof I don't see why SILs get to dictate who gets (un)invited. Have you told DH? Won't he be sad at being excluded?!

If your own family is far away it's lovely that MIL has been at pains to make you welcome. The SILs presumably enjoyed Grandma being hostess when their DCs were little. I'd run it by DH see what he reckons.

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah Thu 13-Dec-12 14:26:42

I would have a quiet, polite word with MIL, when I'd had a chance to clam down, and say that I'd overheard what was said, that i understood that it put her in an awkward position and would she prefer you to make other arrangements.

Your SILs are bitches to try and make her choose between them and her youngest grand children angry

Clumsyoaf Thu 13-Dec-12 14:27:07

Yes DH isnt due back until at least April ...

The thing i dont understand is.. its my first xmas on my own without him and i now have 2 kids... by SIL are so not bitchy, it just seems so weird that they would want this.

I hate confrontation - i may just suggest it to MIL that we go to them for breakfast (I really dont have the space to accomadate everyone at mine as family start turning up on the 23rd onwards) at least then i can choose to end it when i want to by walking out.

TheHoneyDragonsDrunkInTheIvy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:28:07

Purples right. You were hardly eavesdropping, SiL knew you were there and your MiL will appreciate you for it.

Clumsyoaf Thu 13-Dec-12 14:29:41

Purple, thank you i think thats what rationale me thinks. My DH would absolutely hit the roof.. hes fiercly protective of the kids, we skyped last week and him and DD excitedly chatting away about xmas and how nom nom(thats what she calls grandma) will be making sprouts for granda...

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Thu 13-Dec-12 14:30:27

Firthermore FIL might feel swamped by womenfolk he might like his son and family to come over.

You'll probably want to establish your own traditions at some point and maybe next year plan ahead to be with your family but this is short notice and why should SILs take charge let alone swan over like Ladies Bountiful to yours then exit for a dinner excluding their brother and younger more beautiful accomplished SIL...

SugaricePlumFairy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:30:28

That is so sad that SiL's is being such bitches! I'm angry on your behalf angry

You and dd's on your own on Christmas day while close family are nearby having the day without you, it's unthinkable really.

What would your dh think I wonder?

TheHoneyDragonsDrunkInTheIvy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:30:33

Oh Love. Didn't realise this was your first Xmas without dh too sad.

SugaricePlumFairy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:31:05

x posts , I am a slow typer. grin

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Thu 13-Dec-12 14:32:01

Sorry just read your DH will be absent, even more reason not to isolate you!

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman Thu 13-Dec-12 14:34:36

So they want you to spend Christmas day on your own with your kids, because they think your kids are too young.

What was mils response? Are you sure she didn't say she finds having the kids round hard. I just can't think of a reason they think this is ok.

KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat Thu 13-Dec-12 14:35:03

That's so sad. I'm not surprised you're hurt by it, I would be too. It's hard enough having your first Christmas with your DH (is he in the forces?) but to then be made to feel that you're intruding on a "grown-up" Christmas is unthinkably rude behaviour by your SIL.

I agree that a gentle chat with MIL would be the way forward. She needs to know that you're aware of her being in an awkward position thanks to her daughter and that you'd like to know what to do.

sad

I'd speak to mil, tell her you overheard what sil said. It's bloody mean when your sil knows dh is away and you will be on your own.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman Thu 13-Dec-12 14:36:20

This is awful.

By the way I would have told them all I heard and then gone and sobbed to dh about it.

I would have also told sils to not bother coming to see kids open presents.

Clumsyoaf Thu 13-Dec-12 14:38:28

Im going to call my MIL, I dont really think I can leave it any longer. I left yesterday quite quickly after that even though my SIL inisisted that she would pay for a taxi and FIL would drop car round early next morning so that I could enjoy my birthday.

I have this angry tone in my voice at the moment though that I need to shift, Im not angry MIL... or SIL but just dont understand why.

My SILs are treated like royalty in my IL's home.. as actually am I. They are all very close, for example youngest SIL moved in with her DH and three kids for nearly 7 months last year whilst they were waiting for their new home to be built. They told MIL one week before they were due to move in. She took them in and never said a word! DH and i stayed with them for 3 months when i was pregnant second time around as I had to take a long period of bed rest and found it impossible to run around after DD. I was waited on hand and foot and didnt want to leave!

roseamongstthorns Thu 13-Dec-12 14:38:44

Poor you! What horrible SILs - hopefully karma will get them one day.

I think you should think about the most important players in this scenario - your children (and you) who will be spending Christmas without their daddy. If you and they would be happiest at your MIL's house, then forget you heard what you did and go there and have a lovely time and try to ignore the SILs as best you can.

If you let your SILs get their way they have won their selfish battle and the majority of you, including your MIL will be sad.

Good luck - and hugs x

wineandroses Thu 13-Dec-12 14:39:45

If I was in your position, I would be feeling pretty upset and I would make damned sure they knew I'd overheard their conversation. I feel sorry for MIL being in the middle of this, but really, knowing that you are alone with the children as DH is away, why didn't she just so No to their mean-spirited request?

Anyway, MIL might not even say anything to you, if she doesn't want to rescind the invitation, but you may feel that you really wouldn't enjoy yourself now that you know how SILs really feel. In which case, don't go, but tell everyone why. And no invites for breakfast either!

Sorry, you may not want to spoil Christmas lunch for them, but why should they get away with pushing you out and still have a lovely time?

Bet DH won't be happy when he hears about it either.

Fakebook Thu 13-Dec-12 14:41:08

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TheHoneyDragonsDrunkInTheIvy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:41:59

I think your SiL is used to bring spoilt. And that your dcs will ruin and Xmas where she is looked after.

Nyancat Thu 13-Dec-12 14:44:15

Good luck with the phone call, I would gently tell her that you overheard and ask if she wants to change plans. Hopefully this would help her to maybe say why sil's are saying this. I would do that rather than changing plans with no explanation to your mil.

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