Cut and run or suck it up?(72 Posts)
There's my tether and there's me a mile down the road! Brief background: involved with a man 9yrs separated who has 16yr old DD. ex shagged another guy and pissed off with all 4 of her kids (3 of whom he raised as his own) and took half his house with her in payout. In the past 18mths I have had nothing but shit for being with him. Bitchy texts to work colleagues slagging me off, nasty fb comments, listening to slanging matches about me while I <respect privacy> in another room and hear about how horrible I am for stealing him from his DD (from his DD). Tantrums about me moving in my much loved pet (now dead so not an issue to 'anyone') and for having the nerve to fall pregnant. (Died at 8wks pg so now not an issue to 'anyone').
Basically after months of shit and now feeling angry and resentful about it all, we had an argument about his Disney parenting/unsupportive attitude towards the issues I've had and his drop everything attitude when his DD decides to come hang out for the evening. It's her second home and I totally get she should be welcome anytime and this is not my AIBU question!
But I want space. I want to know if I can slob in my jamas and not expect company. I would be happy to have every other night a potential 'family night' or 'couples only night'. no exclusion, just to know!! on the other hand I am almost 40 and in the voice of Glenn Close 'it may be my last chance to have a baby!'
I am aware this sounds garbled but I've had wine and adrenaline is making my thumbs go funny!! It's not an angry angst ridden thread and most of me wants to laugh <hysteria> but seriously!! WTF? I love kids!! I have great visions of us shopping together and laughing at silly 'daddy' but I'm seriously thinking fuckit, get a flat for selfish ole meeeeee!!!!!!
I'd only have a baby in a stable relationship. If it means I miss the boat then so be it. Yes it would be lovely to have a child but there are so many other exciting paths I could choose too . I am completely aware that if it gets to this stage with DP it will be a good cop/bad cop scenario. I would in no way pander to a child as I believe in boundaries and being firm but fair. I was raised with good values and would continue that on. But I won't get pg just for the sake of having a baby, Bridget. That wouldn't be fair on anyone concerned. His ex is very money focused but I prefer to make my own. I'd only want support for the child, and I wouldn't be looking for half his house as I haven't paid much into it.
That's not just against the grain, BridgetBidet, that's against sanity IMO!
Consider the consequences. He would be the father, with contact and parental influence. He would make as much of a mess of OP's child as he has already made of his DD. Would you really wish that on the OP and her child?
Sorry to go against the grain, but if you really, really want a baby are you seriously expecting you will find someone else who will commit and agree to get you pregnant before you run out of time for it to be a possibility? I'm not being nasty, I'm just being a realist.
The devil in me is saying stay long enough to get pregnant and then at least if you split then you know you'll be able to bully him into doing what you want and giving you money cos he's too spineless to say no.
PS Mamma, I am sorry about your MC. I know how emotionally painful it is. Xx
Mamma that is lovely to hear!
I hope it's the same for me but I'm not convinced my body is able to carry a child anyway. It just doesn't 'feel' possible IYSWIM no medical reason other than my own suspicions: age, high BP. Don't think I need to worry about any pregnancy, somehow. I can be a mad old cat lady, however! Won't have SS issues if I fancy going out.
Who knows how this will pan out, but I don't feel I will be a mother now. I shall plan lots of fun things anyway. I'm not a brooder, every cloud n that! xx
I have spoken before about my DSD, and how she was a little madam. She lived with us for some time. Her mum hated me, even though I met my (now ex)H four years after she had left him for someone else. This influenced her greatly.
There was loads of negativity around my first pregnancy (which ended in MC) and even more about the next one,my DD. But the girls are very close now and I am even close to my DSD.
Mamma, that's his fear. He's enjoying the 'last few months' she will want to hang out with him. Unfortunately for her, she hasn't got many close friends although the usual 500+ on FB.
One good sign is he's in the wine tonight! A rarity in case he's 'required' to drive. That in itself is a tiny ray of sunshine through the clouds!!
Where, I think it's for popularity reasons. I have no idea when it all started but way before my time. And trust me, if she was my kid things would be a whole lot different! She has said on several occasions that she doesn't want to see him any more. When she found out I was pg for example. She never follows it through but it does scare him. She is rather baby'd. Her mum still has to go with her to the dentist and hairdresser etc. she is incapable of even basic culinary skills like putting pre-packed goods in the microwave. I'm concerned for her future, really!
But we have had our chat, I'm saving for a deposit anyway. I won't rock the boat over Christmas and he has registered that I ain't shitting taking this no more! I am completely serious about moving on and he knows it. Christmas presents from my family will be Argos vouchers in case I need to suddenly furnish a flat soon. We have agreed on 2 complete couple days (no negotiations unless v special occasions like her birthday) and more household chore input for her. He has got to have my back, I have told him, and I will not tolerate her refusal to sit next to me etc (shyness apparently. My arse!)
I won't ruin Christmas but he has till new year to sort this shit out or I'm off with my exhumed cat (joke!! ) and the other one and trotting off happily into the sunset.
Thank you for all your support. I have considered all your replies and fully expect to be on some 'tits up' type thread in the new year. Now pass me the microgynon and a wine!!!!!! Xxxxx
My view here, yes it is hard but she is 16, she will very soon be busy with her own life and have less time for her Dad.
Oh, and I forgot to add after my "And for what?" - For an easy life. In other words, for selfish rather than selfless reasons.
" I really admired his attentiveness to his DD in the beginning."
Is it attentiveness? Really? Because I really cannot see it as that. Nor is it 'care'. It is dancing attendance. It is complying. It is allowing himself to be manipulated by a child (what age was she when all this started?). And for what?
If he were genuinely attentive, genuinely caring, he'd have pulled her up short years ago and told her that strops to get her own way were childish tantrums, and she should be past that at her age. He is failing to parent, failing HER. Failing you. Just plain failing.
Cut and run. You do not owe him, or his DD, or his deeply dysfunctional ex and her family, ANYTHING. He has somehow persuaded you to accept his and their shit, and being bombarded by it day in day out has affected you. I can see no other reason for you to say "I'm going to let him try to meet me halfway on this as I don't want to be U about it." Because, I have to ask, on what fucking planet could you be considered unreasonable in this matter? Hmm?
Yes that's the idea, Captain. Knowing what to expect would be a Godsend. ExW has even asked for an increase in maintenance now that he has my income towards the house too. Bloody cheek! He already pays over what the CSS suggests. I think he thinks the more time DD and I spend together the more we will like each other. It actually creates the opposite effect as there's no breathing space. A bit like - how can I miss you if you won't go away! It did cross my mind it could be a tactic. He probably would hardly see her if I was gone off the scene.
Part of me says ' you're getting up everyones nose - do it, but more! ' because they are trying to bully you into leaving. But the other part says' its your life, you should be able to sit on your own sofa with your dp, in pjs, without tension or atmosphere.
Your dp should not be texting dd to come over everyday. If she wants to come over that's fine, but she should not be invited every day. He is being disrespectful to you, knowing that you and dd dont get on, to put you together all the time.
I think I'd look for a small flat, and he could visit you. If you wanted the relationship to continue.
Cheers ElNorma. You join the majority vote!!
No not at all CremeEgg. I wouldn't be surprised if your recent events have made you see things a bit differently. Personally I think an OW or an OM deserves all they bloody well get! (And even really blistery fanny/cock warts would be too good them IMO!! ) xx
Cut and run.
He sounds spineless.
Thanks, OP. It is awful.
I can see why you wanted to point out you weren't the OW, from rereading my earlier post, so sorry if I caused any confusion to anyone about that!
Hope things work out for you. .
Thanks, Hilda. I'm feeling more and more this is the way forward. I know most people his age have more bloody baggage than Gatwick but I really admired his attentiveness to his DD in the beginning.
Creme egg I also meant to say I'm sorry to hear about your recent troubles with your ex/ow. That must have been hard for you
I got stressed just reading your posts.
You're 40,you want a baby,you don't have time to hang around waiting for this to turn into a happy family scenario.Sorry to be so blunt,but you don't.
I'm another recommending you cut your losses and go out on your own.
Enjoy, the evening isn't over yet! I'm going to let him try to meet me halfway on this as I don't want to be U about it. I do love him but I'm no pushover. I've ironed out a few difficulties (for example he shouted at me once and I told him in my best teacher voice that this is NOT and never will be acceptable to me). Hasn't happened again.
Good god it sounds likes never ending, particularly shouty version of Eastenders.
Life really needn't be such hard work or so utterly unrewarding.
What exactly is in this for you OP? Honestly, I'd be calling a taxi to the nearest hotel.
Creme, His wife left him for another man years ago and I've only been on the scene 18mths. I would never go after another woman's man because I have a strong sense of sisterhood and I also know if they do it with you, they'll do it to you. I know you weren't accusing me of that but wanted to clear that up for anyone who hasn't read the full thread.
Thanks so much, Grape!! I was totally feeling like the evil stepmother for a bit!! I know it's a sensitive subject with a lot of people but I thought I'd be completely flamed for this! Home now and having tea made for me (wtf?) and then a compromise chat in which he says he will discuss set days with his DD. I found a flat online I liked and it shook him up. Watch this space.....xx
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