to tell my friend not to come to stay over xmas because she divulged confidential private info?

(81 Posts)
gnocci Mon 10-Dec-12 11:59:42

I have a friend who I used to work with and we remained close after we both went our separate ways. She is due to come and stay with us over xmas.

Anyway I found out last week that she has spilled a very very personal and damaging piece of information that I told her in the utmost confidence as I needed someone to talk to. I need to be quite vague but it is info about someone in my immediate family that would likely ruin my professional reputation (by association) and put the security of my family and children at risk. Worse than this, the person she told is in my profession!!!

I was on a night out and this person told me they knew and that she had told her. I felt sick and humiliated and asked her about it but she denied it (of course). I didnt say they had said she had told them as I wanted to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible (she was there and was the one who had invited me!!! Knowing full well this person knew! I felt sick that I had been happily socialising and she'd made a total fool of me).

I dont think I can face her. She clearly has no idea how serious this is. I dont know what to do sad I dont even know how to re-open the subject and tackle it now.

saccrofolium Tue 11-Dec-12 13:29:06

YANBU. An ex friend of mine did this. She divulged something really personal and painful about a relative of mine, to a mutual friend. There was no reason whatsoever to do it, she did it because she can't keep her trap shut.
I ended the friendship and told her why. She tried to keep things going and I relaxed slightly - she called to tell me she was having another baby and we were having a nice chat. Then she dropped into conversation that another mutual friend had recently discovered her dad wasn't her dad, it was her godfather and her mum had had an affair! I have no doubt whatsoever that the friend would be mortified to know that this girl was talking about her in this way, but it was just too juicy a chunk of gossip for her to keep in. We haven't spoken since, as there can be no trust and without that well what's the point?

Casserole Tue 11-Dec-12 14:15:03

I think I would text back saying that you need some space and that for now, it is best if she doesn't come to stay over Christmas.

Don't end things completely. Wait and see how you feel in the New Year.

girlywhirly Tue 11-Dec-12 14:53:13

Actually, I think the friend has a lot to lose by spreading this information, even while drunk. Everyone will realise she is untrustworthy and no-one will fancy talking to her as a friend and she may find herself short of invitations this Christmas.

EldritchCleavage Tue 11-Dec-12 15:14:59

I really don't think telling the OP she did wrong or was unwise is fair.

She confided a difficult secret in someone she thought she could trust, a close friend. That's part of what friends are for. I've certainly been told things I've never told anyone else (including DH), because the person desperately wanted somebody to talk to. It really isn't wrong or unrealistic to expect a close friend to provide a listening ear without telling the world your business.

And blurting it out to your boss while pissed sounds like rank carelessness, not having a burden too heavy to carry.

PowerPants Wed 12-Dec-12 00:52:09

Agree with Eldritch. I am honest and open with my friends and never divulge their confidences unless they expressly tell me I can.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 12-Dec-12 22:39:56

There are also people that genuinely can't keep their mouths shut. They still have a place as a good friend in other areas. I tend to only divulge a secret to someone i totally trust. There are probably two people in the whole world i can do this with. Choose your confidantes wisely, very wisely.

SundaysGirl Wed 12-Dec-12 23:18:39

Well she was clearly hugely out of order and personally yes I would uninvite her.

Got to say though I think it's really sad that a person can have their reputations trashed (or greatly fear it) simply by being related to someone. Maybe it's stupid of me to be saddened by that but I just think it's a crappy thing to happen and you cannot choose your family..why the fuck should you be judged on their actions? Surely most reasonable people would feel the same? Or am I just naive?

DoingitOnTheRoofTopWithSanta Thu 13-Dec-12 00:13:36

dump her

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 13-Dec-12 00:27:05

Where did I hear recently that "Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead". Be more circumspect with whom you impart such sensitive information in future, OP. Why would you pass on information that has such risk to your family?

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Thu 13-Dec-12 01:09:57

Some of you must have pretty crappy friends if you couldn't tell them something important and personal and expect them to keep it to themselves sad

I have 'friends' and I have Friends - my Friends will go to their graves with my 'secrets' and me theirs. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have a Friend like this sad

OP - for your own piece of mind, would it not be better to get this out in the open with the appropriate people, rather than have it hanging over you. Surely you can't be held responsible for your relations?!

SomersetONeil Thu 13-Dec-12 01:46:54

You poor thing OP. I would want to completely cut ties with such a person...

But the worry would be if you did this, that she'd blabber the secret far and wide, since there'd now be no reason to keep it. Especially if she found it just too juicy to keep thus far...

Not a great position for you to be in. sad

MrsMushroom Thu 13-Dec-12 05:25:18

If the secret is something that compromises someone's ability to do their job then YABU.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Thu 13-Dec-12 06:42:42

Yep, I'm with poozles go very carefully, a woman scorned and all that, I'm in the 'let's see how things are in the New Year, then slowly drift away, it's sad that she let you down, but you live and learn don't you sad

Rudolphstolemycarrots Thu 13-Dec-12 06:58:10

Has she grovelled? I think I would do Xmas but tell her that you can't trust and you can't risk ever confiding in her again. Highlight how much damage she potentially could do - worst case scenario.

There are people you can trust out there, but not her.

DoesntTurkeyNSproutSoupDragOn Thu 13-Dec-12 07:02:18

If the secret is something that compromises someone's ability to do their job then YABU.

I didn't get the impression that it compromised her ability - she likened it to an MP with a dodgy brother.

Whatistodaysname Thu 13-Dec-12 07:13:27

Or a childrens social worker living with a suspected peadophile?

It's got to be something along those lines - and if it is - it shouldn't be being kept from your employer anyway.

DoesntTurkeyNSproutSoupDragOn Thu 13-Dec-12 08:01:29

Regardless, the "friend" told someone when they were drunk. They didn't do anything out of a sense of "right". What the secret is and what it means is a red herring.

Whatistodaysname Thu 13-Dec-12 08:13:52

I don't know - there are some things that are just too horrible to expect one person to carry the burden of - I think what the secret is is very relevant. It may have been blurted out drunk because the friend has been really struggling with it and deep down needed help to cone to terms with it herself.

It's hard to say isn't it, without knowing.

scarletforyaOfficialXmasGRINCH Thu 13-Dec-12 08:25:03

Cut her dead.
She blabbed, then she lied about it and now the disingenuous 'pity me' groveling.
Red card her. Cheeky cow.

OP, reading between the lines, I think I understand (Sadly, I also have personal experience). I'd drop her like a stone. What to her is 'interesting gossip' is actually highly personal and damaging information. She's not the friend you thought she was, and she deserves to reflect on her own conduct here. But as others have said, your relative's behaviour does not reflect on you, and you don't have to share the burden of guilt iyswim. Hard, I know, but you've done nothing wrong.

Whatistodaysname Thu 13-Dec-12 10:04:13

Again I would disagree, if you choose to stand by someone who has done something absolutely dreadful, lie for them, or turn a blind eye while you know they are lying, then you are colluding with them and should share their shame. (Not relevant to this thread particularily - but how the family of a perpetrator of a crime acts can have a massive impact on the victim).

waltermittymistletoe Thu 13-Dec-12 12:09:58

Unless she has form for bitchy gossip I would guess that maybe she thought someone should know about this secret and it's possible consequences to be honest.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Thu 13-Dec-12 12:15:32

Depends what it was. If a child discloses that they are being abused, then you cannot keep it secret.

I imagine there are other disclosure types that cannot be kept secret and must be passed to line manager.

Are you sure your friend didn't feel obliged to pass on the disclosure?

DoesntTurkeyNSproutSoupDragOn Thu 13-Dec-12 12:27:34

Unless she has form for bitchy gossip I would guess that maybe she thought someone should know about this secret and it's possible consequences to be honest

I don't think that's that's the case because she said she was pissed and the OP says

Had some grovelling texts along the lines of I am a shit friend, I understand if you never talk to me again, I have massively broken your confidence etc.

gnocci Thu 13-Dec-12 12:41:49

Nothing to do with abuse. No need to disclose, she admits it was drunken gossip.

All the people who need to know, know.

She is grovelling massively but I have just text back saying I am too sad to talk at the moment.

TBH my main concern is press interest. I would be gutted for me children. I am the main breadwinner and would fear for my livlihood (I dont have an "employer", I am self-employed as such).

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