to feel unhappy about my best friend going after my ex boyfriend..

(92 Posts)
welshinexile Sun 09-Dec-12 13:45:44

I will keep this brief- I had a very intense relationship with a man I felt very strongly about 13 years ago- it lasted about a year and I felt very strongly about him. We stayed in contact for a while but lost touch but he has recently re-appeared in my life & we have spoken on the phone. We get on well & were always good mates & I am glad he is there to chat to once in a while.

I have 2 DC's & have been with my partner for 12 years. There are issues but generally we are Ok I think although I have always wondered if it was a re-bound relationship as we got together 6 months after the ex. This ex reappearing has brought up a few old feelings.

What I am not dealing with is my best friend told me that she thought my ex was hot and would quite like to be with him and I hate the thought of it. It makes me feel sick. I couldnt bear it.

So what does this say about me? Am I jealous? Do I still have feelings? Its all rocked me and made me question stuff.

Am I being unreasonable to not want my best friend to have anything to do with my ex? There arent enough words to describe how much I would hate it!

JenaiMathis Mon 10-Dec-12 05:03:30

Good grief, what's with the bunny boiler calling? It's a dreadful expression, as misogynistic as the vile film from which it originates.

I can think of someone I last saw over twenty years ago who'd have a similar impact if he were to return and I'd hate it if a friend started seeing him. You can't just turn these feelings on and off; unless you're some kind of sociopath maybe. It's how you handle them that marks you out as a grown woman rather than a possessive adolescent.

I'm not sure you should talk to your friend about this now though. It would be awful if she reacted badly, or heaven forbid told your husband.

BadLad Mon 10-Dec-12 04:59:23

"*BoneyBackJefferson LessMissAbs
"I think the ex sounds a bit of a ladiesman and a player, and likes attention."
Really? You get that from the OP’s first paragraph*

Yes. The ex is still single, still looking for a woman, has kept the OP in some way dangling enough to ensure she has feelings for him after 13 years and is married, and is quite possibly flirting with her best friend while knowing this.

Thats quite a player to me.

But of course, I may be wrong, and the man may be a latter day saint, and its just a coincidence he keeps exs on the back boiler and flirts with their friends... "

Even if by sheer coincidence you turn out to be correct, that is probably the most unreasonable assumption I have read on here. Here is the first paragraph again for you:

"
I will keep this brief- I had a very intense relationship with a man I felt very strongly about 13 years ago- it lasted about a year and I felt very strongly about him. We stayed in contact for a while but lost touch but he has recently re-appeared in my life & we have spoken on the phone. We get on well & were always good mates & I am glad he is there to chat to once in a while."

Absolutely nothing to suggest he is looking for a woman or flirting with the best friend, and nothing other than the fact than they broke up amicably and kept in touch to suggest that he kept her dangling.

You also criticize him for still being single - are all unmarried people therefore players?

I like the way you convince yourself further as your post continues, going as far as to say he does keep exs on the back boiler and flirt with their friends.

Anyway, OP, you are being a bit unreasonable, although your feelings are understandable to anyone with some empathy.

badgeroncaffeine Mon 10-Dec-12 04:37:19

Definite bunny boiler tendencies. Not 13 days, weeks or even months after the relationship ended, but 13 YEARS.

Wow..just wow.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Mon 10-Dec-12 03:23:04

Welsh - you aren't a bunnyboiler/weird/childish/shit friend etc Several of us can see where you are coming from. If she really was a good friend she wouldn't even consider it - you just don't do you, especially if you know your friend is feeling weird about him anyway (I presume you had the sense to tell her that?! If not, you should.

Wheresmypopcorn Mon 10-Dec-12 03:19:35

obviously you still have feelings for him. Why do you need him in your life?

DoingItOnTheRoofTopWithSanta Mon 10-Dec-12 03:16:06

Tell her how you feel, I personally would not mess around with an ex of a friend if I thought it would upset with them. I mean there are several billion men to go around,

NervousAt20 Mon 10-Dec-12 03:13:49

Normally I would say YANBU but 13 years is alot time it hasn't recently ended and you've been with your DP for 12 years and have 2 kids so I think YABU

It does sound like that by him reappearing has dug up old feelings but that will pass.

MyCannyBairn Mon 10-Dec-12 03:05:08

It's not ideal, I'd be feeling unreasonably hacked off too.

timeforachangebaby Sun 09-Dec-12 23:33:27

My advice is you are playing with fire and should cut contact with hi
.

cumfy Sun 09-Dec-12 22:46:09

Sounds like deep down you have strong feelings for him.

welshinexile Sun 09-Dec-12 21:59:27

Wow, jesus, didnt expect so many responses! Um, feel a bit of a twat now! I am not a bunny boiler, childish or a shit friend/ wife! Just happen to have some feelings that I didnt expect or plan for for a man that has turned up in my life again. Didnt expect it to happen and certainly wouldnt shit on my husband. Nor would i tell anyone who to be with or what to do. My unexpected feelings have just made me feel weird at the thought of them together but I wouldnt get in anyones way or interfere in anyones life.

Junebugjr Sun 09-Dec-12 20:58:08

From your OP, it suggests that it's not your friend going out with one of your ex's thats the problem. Its that it involves this particular man. I think it's understandable that you feel like this OP, I know I have one ex who I would feel a little like this about.

BUT, I think YABU if you were to put any restrictions on your friend or him. They would be doing nothing wrong if it did go further, and you would look like a nutter grin. You need to let it go. Fwiw I am with one of my friends ex partners, they had been finished a few years before we got together, I never thought to ask her 'permission', they were over, we were very happy together and still are 12 years and 2 kids on. Maybe your friend just assumes its over, it's been years, your not bothered. Don't let it affect the relationship you have with your friend.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 09-Dec-12 20:52:50

"has kept the OP in some way dangling enough to ensure she has feelings for him after 13 years and is married, and is quite possibly flirting with her best friend while knowing this."

Thats a huge amount of assumption.

chocoluvva Sun 09-Dec-12 20:25:23

I'd hate it. It would be weird.

LessMissAbs Sun 09-Dec-12 20:18:34

*BoneyBackJefferson LessMissAbs
"I think the ex sounds a bit of a ladiesman and a player, and likes attention."
Really? You get that from the OP’s first paragraph*

Yes. The ex is still single, still looking for a woman, has kept the OP in some way dangling enough to ensure she has feelings for him after 13 years and is married, and is quite possibly flirting with her best friend while knowing this.

Thats quite a player to me.

But of course, I may be wrong, and the man may be a latter day saint, and its just a coincidence he keeps exs on the back boiler and flirts with their friends...

bottleofbeer Sun 09-Dec-12 19:43:06

If anybody wanted my ex I'd feel sorry for her. He's an arse. I dunno, it's kind of an unwritten rule isn't it? but logically it's a stupid one.

Two girls from my group of friends who had been the very best of friends for years no longer speak after a similar situation. I understand it to a degree. There's a man in my past that I couldn't bear to go out with anyone I know much less a friend.

I want to tell you to suck it up and move on but I can't because I see both sides. Toughie. On the whole if it's been an intense relationship that you've not really got over (we can still hurt from past relationships even if we've moved on) then I personally wouldn't consider it. If you'd had a three week fling that neither of you had felt strongly about then that's different.

It's all relative I suppose.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 09-Dec-12 19:20:57

Unfortunately wayneDeer they are the OP's feelings and her issues, frankly its all very "teenage crush" and nothing to do with her friend.

If the OP's friend has a chance at a good relationship with this man then the OP (after 13 years) should be happy for her.

Softlysoftly Sun 09-Dec-12 19:07:45

I just feel sorry for your DP, 12 years, 2 babies and you're not sure of he's a rebound shock I would be utterly destroyed if I thought my DH felt that way about me.

Cut contact with X, don't try and keep a foot on the dock and one on the boat, it's utterly self indulgent and childish.

Megatron Sun 09-Dec-12 18:59:32

Sorry but YABU. You are all adults and this is ancient history, though I accept that it may not be for you. My friend got together with my ex 15 years after we split up and although I found it slightly strange being in his company again, that quickly passed and it's fine.

We split up because we didn't want to be together and I want my friend to be happy. I have no 'dibs' on him and I'm afraid neither do you with your ex (I mean that kindly, not in a horrible way). Think of the things that are important to you, like your DH and your children, the rest really doesn't matter.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sun 09-Dec-12 18:50:15

One of my very best friends slept with my ex, we had been split up about 4 months, and I wasn't with anyone else. It was a one off and mutual friends told me about it. I never said anything to her, even though it made me feel a tiny bit sick, we got back together about 2 years later and have been together 12 years now, I've spoke to him about it, in a jokey way, but never said anything to her, because I wouldn't want her to feel she betrayed me, she didn't! We were split up, they got together, briefly! Not my business.
Maybe it will help you to move on OP, you need to.

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 18:42:48

The OP had a relationship with the man and rightly or wrongly has feelings she needs to work through surrounding him and the ending of their relationship

The OP has a friend who has said she thinks the ex is hot

Telling the friend she doesn't want her to try anything on with the ex isn't selfish. The friend doesn't have feelings for him. If she's a friend she will have respect for her friend, their friendship, her feelings and her wishes. If she doesn't the OP has lost nothing in her

StickEmUp Sun 09-Dec-12 18:28:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 09-Dec-12 18:12:43

OP, YABU, anything you had was 13 years ago.

WayneDeer
“If you can't explain your discomfort over a situation, have your feelings respected and listened to, well then I think you simply don't have a friendship.”

So the friends feelings mean nothing? Very selfish of you.

LessMissAbs
"I think the ex sounds a bit of a ladiesman and a player, and likes attention."
Really? You get that from the OP’s first paragraph.

WhatDoesTheDogSay Sun 09-Dec-12 17:52:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LessMissAbs Sun 09-Dec-12 17:47:12

YANBU OP, I'm with you. You might not have the right to dictate who your ex dates, but equally no-one has the right to dictate your feelings. You can't stop them dating, but you can choose how to deal with it, and personally I'd be bloody tempted to cut off contact with both of them, unless they were falling over themselves to placate me.

Its kind of happened to me, but worse - I was dating a guy I really liked and my best friend got off with him at my birthday party, he stopped contacting me and started going out with her. He has apologised multiple times and gone out of his way to be a friend since; she has never spoken to me again. So I know what competitive bitches women can turn into. Ironically he has tried it on several times with me since they both got married, and I rebuffed him. I doubt she'll ever thank me though.

I think the ex sounds a bit of a ladiesman and a player, and likes attention.

I find the views that your life should be over and you should become a Stepford Wife as soon as you have kids a bit unrealistic.

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