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to feel unhappy about my best friend going after my ex boyfriend..

(92 Posts)
welshinexile Sun 09-Dec-12 13:45:44

I will keep this brief- I had a very intense relationship with a man I felt very strongly about 13 years ago- it lasted about a year and I felt very strongly about him. We stayed in contact for a while but lost touch but he has recently re-appeared in my life & we have spoken on the phone. We get on well & were always good mates & I am glad he is there to chat to once in a while.

I have 2 DC's & have been with my partner for 12 years. There are issues but generally we are Ok I think although I have always wondered if it was a re-bound relationship as we got together 6 months after the ex. This ex reappearing has brought up a few old feelings.

What I am not dealing with is my best friend told me that she thought my ex was hot and would quite like to be with him and I hate the thought of it. It makes me feel sick. I couldnt bear it.

So what does this say about me? Am I jealous? Do I still have feelings? Its all rocked me and made me question stuff.

Am I being unreasonable to not want my best friend to have anything to do with my ex? There arent enough words to describe how much I would hate it!

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 13:47:42

Speak to your friend about it. Tell her no, she'll understand
See a therapist about the rest

Is it just your best friend you feel like this about or is it any woman with him?

Tbh if they become attracted to each other there is nothing you can do about it and you dont really have a right to after 12 years.

AllSnowballsAndNoKnickers Sun 09-Dec-12 13:54:26

Tell her no, she'll understand

If I were her I'd tell you to fuck right off. Who are you to be telling anyone who they may or may not have a relationship with?

thornrose Sun 09-Dec-12 13:54:36

Did you think about him much before he reappeared?

I don't think it's that unusual for you not to want your best friend to have a relationship with this ex.

I think your feelings have been stirred up by him reappearing. How did the relationship end?

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 14:03:29

I think it rather odd and grim when friends fish from within the same catch and release pool
That's why I said she'd understand Snowballs..shurley most wouldn't be arsed, especially if your friend requesteded

atacareercrossroads Sun 09-Dec-12 14:06:37

Yabu, 13 years is a long time, let it go.

WorraLorraTurkey Sun 09-Dec-12 14:08:51

Catch and release pool?

These are human beings you are talking about ffs.

OP, after 13yrs I'm sorry but I think your friend has every right to date him and you're just going to have to try your best to get over it.

I'm sure it'll be tough at first though.

Aspiemum2 Sun 09-Dec-12 14:10:36

I understand why you find it strange but it really isn't any if your business, though you may feel it is.

We have no ownership rights over who are ex's choose to date. You are in a long term relationship yourself, you have children. Let your old flame go and date who he chooses but remember that just because she finds him attractive doesn't mean it's mutual, you may be worrying over nothing

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 09-Dec-12 14:13:32

I have had some amazing exes, but I tend to go for serial relationships.
Not this is mine, and this is mine and this is also mine.
Are you really saying that you have a partner and two children, and you still want your ex as well?
You sound jealous and possessive to me, let it go or destroy your current relationship, and your friendship with your ex and your friendship with your best friend.

FestiveDigestive Sun 09-Dec-12 14:17:41

If she was your best friend at the time & she remembers the relationship, then of course she shouldn't and you shouldn't be put in the position where you have to say anything. A man you'd briefly dated in the past would be different but I don't think that close friends should go after your serious ex-boyfriends. I would never do that to a friend - there are plenty of other men out there to choose from!

HildaOgden Sun 09-Dec-12 14:19:31

I think you like to feel that the option of being with him is still open to you (even if you don't act on it) and if he hooks up with her,that door closes.

I'd say nothing to either of them yet....he might not be even interested in her anyway...but I'd try to get my head around still seeing your husband as a 'second prize' even after all these years.That can't be healthy.

Well I can understand you feeling bad about it, a bit, but I don't think you have any right to tell her to back off him especially after well over a decade. I think this is one of those occasions where you just acknowledge your negative feelings to yourself and move on, sister.

What happens if they fall in love and turn out to be a great match? Do you have the right to stop that happening? But then as a previous poster mentioned, he might not even want to start anything with her.

Also, you have a DP and kids. Do you really want to be daydreaming about coulda shoulda woulda and the grass being greener...where will it end?

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 14:22:51

yeah, catch and release

I think very few of you would be feeling differently from the OP regarding a mate dating your ex in RL
I know she has married etc but as there are billions of men on the planet why must make a move or accept a move from this one?

Friend's relationship is with OP. OP says it would make her uncomfortable.
That should be the end of the musing over how hot he is or is not.
Otherwise she's a pretty poor friend

fuzzywuzzy Sun 09-Dec-12 14:25:11

You really can't do anything without looking a bit crazy.

And if they get together, you risk losing both their friendship & the respect of mutual friends if you try to stop them.

Take a step back & work on your own relationship.

welshinexile Sun 09-Dec-12 14:29:31

I am definately not jealous and possesive nebulous- just extremely wierded out by the whole scenario. My friend was about when I wad in the original relationship & knew my ex well- I had no idea she felt this way about him.
Its just rocked me. I love my husband- i have 2 kids with him. The ex turning up has just put the cat amongst the pigeons for me as it ended when he left to live overseas & we never had a 'proper ending' if there is such a thing.
Its all been very unexpected thats all- i dont want to umreasonable, hence asking the question on here!

HairyGrotter Sun 09-Dec-12 14:30:53

I dunno, the whole mates and ex thing doesn't sit right with me. If there is an u deniable spark between them, then not much one can do but accept it, but I personally value my friendships and wouldn't wish to cause distress to my friends.

You do need to get over it though, they are both available, but some lines, for me, need not be crossed

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 09-Dec-12 14:33:56

She may not have felt this way when you were together. It was years ago as you have said.

I think you would be very unreasonable to tell her she cannot date him. You feeling weird about it is your problem, not hers. You are married with kids, your friend i assume is single and likes this man. Who are you to stop her from dating him? If you ask me, you sound like a pretty shitty friend.

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 09-Dec-12 14:36:45

Thirteen years and you are still weirded out?
Have you talked to your current partner about how you feel?
Of course not. He'd either think you were very odd or start recognising that you see him as a rebound second prize.

welshinexile Sun 09-Dec-12 14:38:16

Thanks for that judgement puds- not. Part of me asking the question was about trying not to be a shitty friend

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 09-Dec-12 14:40:44

Look at your thread title, it sounds like breaking news, hot off the press. Not something dead and buried for over a decade that you have a hidden shrine to,
How many other relationships has he had between then and now? Hopefully a lot.

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 14:43:38

It isn't normal to be happy seeing ex partners date your friends
Some people may tolerate it but really it's odd and awkward all round
It's also unnecessary

No matter what your feelings for him I'd question the motives and self esteem of anyone of my friends who wanted to feed on my leftovers. No matter how cold they were

HairyGrotter Sun 09-Dec-12 14:44:32

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time. I can see where you're coming from OP. Your friend and your ex are both single and eligible to date, but the fact your friend would want to date an 'ex' of yours creeps me out a little.

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 09-Dec-12 14:44:59

I'm going to leave this thread now, bunny-boilers are a bit weird.
If you feel unsupported, post in relationships.

HairyGrotter Sun 09-Dec-12 14:46:56

Hardly bunny boiling...nice bit of hatred towards women again

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