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Partners ex refuses to buy dsd a new bra....

(128 Posts)
humptydidit Sat 08-Dec-12 12:23:28

Briefly... Dp's ex recently made a payment of £1000 through CSA for arrears accrued over the last 5 years. His regular payments from CSA have been £50 per month so this was a great unexpected windfall.

Dp went out and bought dsd and dss christmas presents (an x box and a tablet computer thing), took dsd to a martial arts competition (costing approx £100 in total), paid dsd's martial arts training fees for the month (£50) and generally stocked up the cupboards ready for christmas etc etc.

As you can imagine, it has mostly gone now.

Cut to today, dsd is out shopping with her mum. We are being bombarded by dsd and ex-wife by texts demanding that dp pays for a new bra for dsd (15). Dp said no based on the fact that he is off work at the moment and money is tight and also that dsd has at least 3 other bras in the correct size in her drawer which she refuses to wear because they are not padded enough hmm

dp eventually agreed to go halves on the bra but that wasn't good enough and is now getting it in the neck because of the £1000 payout.

AIBU to think that if ex-wife agreed to take dsd shopping, then she should at least go halves on it? Especially since it is an extra, not an essential.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 08-Dec-12 13:26:14

Have the adults always played games with the children as counters?
For at least the last 5 years?

humptydidit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:27:47

hegsy that is exactly it.

angry

VivaLeBeaver Sat 08-Dec-12 13:29:02

The title of this post could easily be that your partner refuses to buy his dd a bra that she feels she needs.

Poor kid.

humptydidit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:34:39

viva she has got 4 fucking bras in the drawer that fit her perfectly, she is making a fuss over getting a new super dooper fancy one. Dp cannot afford it this week but ex-w is throwing it back in dp's face that she paid extra maintanacne and he should cough up.

Of course he will provide underwear and clothing for her. That is not the point, it is an extra which he cannot afford today. Suppose dsd was demanding her dad paid for a cd or make up, an extra, and he said no, would that be wrong too just because her mum finally paid her dues with CSA?

squeakytoy Sat 08-Dec-12 13:37:10

Does she not have spending money?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sat 08-Dec-12 13:38:07

humpty how do you know she hasn't just been measured and has gone up a size?

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 13:38:53

4 Bras that fit her but she would like a new 1 it is a bra Ffs

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 08-Dec-12 13:41:40

Teenagers can be very difficult, even if they come from a stable, harmonious home.
You have teenage attitude combined with a difficult family situation, so yes, she is probably manipulating you.
Have you asked yourselves why? And what the next situation will look like?
Is she generally an easy-going, non-demanding child, or have you had problems like this in the past and this is just one more incident?

HildaOgden Sat 08-Dec-12 13:41:51

Playing devils advocate here....the ex could well argue that instead of spending the CSA money (albeit paid in arrears) on essentials such as underwear,the childs father decided to be a flash git and spend it on a computer tablet and an X box to sway the kid in his favour.

Set a monthly budget for clothes including essentials,bring the dsd out every 3 months to spend it (alternate with the mother so that each parent brings her twice a year).If she (dsd) doesn't spend it wisely,she will have to make do with whatever she has bought until the next shopping trip 3 months later.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 08-Dec-12 13:43:09

There is nothing weird about going shopping for essentials at the weekend even if you have your children due to contact.

There is something weird if nrp has said " let me take you shopping for xyz" then told child they cannot have xyz unless pwc pays for it.

But if they just happen to be in town for other stuff and its been asked for its a bit different because all the nrp HAS to pay is what the csa tell them to and as shitty as it sounds that's the bottom line.

A bra is an essential item it is down to the pwc to decide if its needed and then pay for it.

And the need may very well be needed even if she has 4 already,I would never wear a lightly padded bra due to nipples poking through I also go through bras quickly I have large boobs.

Your dp has just received £1000 maintenance she should have used it for the basics and when those were sorted then done the luxurys.

Of course it would be nice if the nrp did buy it but if the nrp has always been a twat then its safe to assume they will remain a twat and twatness should be accounted for.

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 13:43:14

I agree with Hilda you were both quick to go out and buy nice things did you not think to keep some back to buy clothes for her,

Viviennemary Sat 08-Dec-12 13:43:29

I've read the opening post twice and can't work out who is who. Does it really matter who buys the bra. If you can't agree then each person buys her a bra. Honestly!!

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 13:47:17

3 pages of buy the bra most parents would just buy their daughter a new bra as an essential not as an excuse to bicker and bitch and 1 another very sad

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 08-Dec-12 13:47:30

viva she has got 4 fucking bras in the drawer that fit her perfectly, she is making a fuss over getting a new super dooper fancy one. Dp cannot afford it this week but ex-w is throwing it back in dp's face that she paid extra maintanacne and he should cough up.

Of course he will provide underwear and clothing for her. That is not the point, it is an extra which he cannot afford today. Suppose dsd was demanding her dad paid for a cd or make up, an extra, and he said no, would that be wrong too just because her mum finally paid her dues with CSA?

But He's had an extra £1000 this week.

Oh and I'm not a nrp I'm a pwc.

LoopsInHoops Sat 08-Dec-12 13:53:25

Totally don't get what's going on or who is who, but can you just buy her a bra for xmas? Or does she get pocket money?

Hegsy Sat 08-Dec-12 13:59:45

sock I thought op said it was recently the payment was received not this week? Also that her dp was working then but is now off sick? So her dp is ill enough to be on sick leave from work so probably needs to be resting/taking things easy and he's getting grief over a bra?!? TBH ex wife sounds like a shit stirrer and I'm struggling to understand why the OP and her DP are getting such a bad reaction on here?

the 1000 is neither here nor there, it's arrears for the last 5 years. Presumably the DC have had to go without things over that time. Why shouldn't their dad buy them treats with it! the DD has adequate clothing, the new bra isn't a need it's a want, the DF offered to pay half. He shouldn't be expected to do more than that!

McChristmasPants2012 Sat 08-Dec-12 14:02:38

I wouldn't be giving her the money for a bra she DOES NOT need, she has bras.

TBH £1000 for 5 years of maintence for 2 children is not alot.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 08-Dec-12 14:23:52

Yes the nrp is being twattish that's obvious to anybody reading, but it looks like its been many years of being twattish about money related stuff,

The £1000 is relevant as the pwc should have accounted for this twattery when he was in a position to do so as its a known thing.

But it all does hinge on if the bra is a need or a want.

If the bras fit and they are ones with pockets where the padding sits could you double up on padding until another can be brought.

And yep £1000 is not a huge amount but its pretty much what most users of the csa get over the same time period.

According to gingerbread the majority of pwc who use the csa get either nil or £5 per week that's £260 a year so 5 years of that is £1300. Unfortunately that means there is a huge amount of very twattish nrp's whose twattish ness does need to be accounted for and expected by the pwc's.

But all this is compleatly moot if the bra is a want and not a need.

squeakytoy Sat 08-Dec-12 14:24:33

a bra is only an essential if you dont have one, or dont have one that fits. OP has said the girl has at least 3 which do. This is more of a fashion want than a basic need.

TinyDancingHoofer Sat 08-Dec-12 14:35:27

It's nothing to do with the item being a bra. DSD mum has taken her shopping but expects your DP to foot the bill. So she would get the fun of a shopping trip but none of the cost.

YANBU to not want to fund this but maybe you should give some money for a bra or two because 4 isn't that many. But not some £30 wonderbra, which won't fit in 6 months if money is tight.

It was a shopping trip though, presumably for having a bit of fun. If the mum really can't afford to fund the other half, is it really such a huge deal to ask for the other half?

It's not about the bra I don't think, more about the mum stirring things.

timeforachangebaby Sat 08-Dec-12 14:39:03

This is because the mum has taken her shopping and wants to play the big I AM I bet it's not a £4 primark bra. I wouldn't dream of taking dc shopping and demanding ex paid half - nor would my ex - if we had arranged in advance different.

It isn't about a bra - it's about whether an NRP can take a child shopping and then demand half of the RP wIthout prior discussion - regardless of what the shopping is for

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sat 08-Dec-12 14:54:38

again, how does anyone here or the OP know that she hasn't just been measured and found to have grown a size?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sat 08-Dec-12 14:57:52

OP in your dp@s shoes i would text back saying " i am out of work siCK right now and Can@t afford to but new Clothes> i will get dp to take dd and get her Measured> if she needs new underwear we will buy it when we Can afford it. IN THE MEANTIme if you wish to buy her new things that is no problem."

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