To ask mothers of grown up sons what, if anything, their son has done to a woman that they are embarrassed about?

(78 Posts)
ATouchOfStuffing Sun 02-Dec-12 16:46:46

I see so many posts about apparently horrid and unfair men on here, I wanted to see it from the mother's view point. I know from my experience that mothers sometimes find it hard to believe their son would behave badly or hurtfully. However some mum's must have a few stories? <Wonders if mothers ever really know full story!>

Slumberparty Mon 03-Dec-12 12:34:37

One of my ex's was a bit of a loser who had been in trouble a lot in the past. His mum LOVED me! Said I was so good for her son and really went out of her way to make me feel welcome...I think because she knew I would probably dump him eventually. When I finally did she phoned to commiserate, and told me that it was a shame, but she didn't blame me! She was under no illusions about what her son was like. (He wasn't a bad person, just self-destructive and a bit of an idiot at times).
She was the best thing about my ex.

Pandemoniaa Mon 03-Dec-12 12:27:14

I have sons of 31 and 29. I would not be at all sympathetic if I discovered that they had behaved badly or hurtfully towards a woman. I would avoid taking sides (as my former MIL did) and would hope to maintain a good relationship with their former partners.

Having said all this, I am equally aware that I can't expect to know every single detail of their lives - as indeed my mother wasn't aware of mine. In this respect, I am fairly sure that ds1 did not break off a relationship he had in the USA in as thoughtful a way as I'd have liked and I did tell him this despite not knowing the girl.

notnagging Mon 03-Dec-12 12:08:14

Really interesting thread op. I have 5ds & I hope I'm not blinkered. My own DM is blinkered about my db but I think she's waking up now.

baublesandbaileys Mon 03-Dec-12 11:08:10

"I will probably be quite horrible to ds and much more likely to believe his partners than him - not necessarily a good thing"

sad men can get into all kinds of abusive/manipulative relationships too!
If he wasn't being very nice to a partner, why would the partner complain to YOU? rather than their own family/friends? wouldn't that make you a little suspicious? I don't ring MIL if I have a problem with DH, I talk to a friend or my mum or mumsnet it

ATouchOfStuffing Mon 03-Dec-12 11:04:21

I am sorry if I have offended anyone. I was asking about men as this is a predominantly female populated site, with a lot of posts about men not being very nice. Of course happy for people to talk about adult daughters as well.

CailinDana Sun 02-Dec-12 23:45:11

Fair enough Hesterton, as I said in my other post, I can see that you don't feel it was rape. I just wanted to point out that a person "giving in" doesn't mean it isn't rape. But I agree that it's not up to me to tell anyone they were raped - I just feel the need to take any opportunity to try to smash the myth that rape involves a man physically forcing a woman into sex. Coercion through social pressure is one of the many ways a man can get a woman to agree to sex she doesn't actually want and while you don't feel it was rape, many do.

wannaBe Sun 02-Dec-12 22:40:52

ibu to ask mothers of grown up daughters what your dd's have done to men that you are embarrassed about?

Reading mn there are as many vile women out there as men, maybe not in the same way as men, but horrible none the less. To single out men in this way is just nasty and horrible and as a mother of a DS I am dreading him growing up and encountering some of the men-hating attitudes that exist on here.

joanofarchitrave Sun 02-Dec-12 22:30:04

I will probably be quite horrible to ds and much more likely to believe his partners than him sad - not necessarily a good thing. Quite likely to lead to permanent damage in our relationship.

I don't think I would ever stop contact, whatever he'd done, but I would have said that was the same for all my relatives, until i was tested, and found it very very difficult to stay in contact with my dad (we are now, sort of). I just don't know. I don't think it says very much for me as a mum. 'Hate the sin, love the sinner' is how it should be, i think.

thebody Sun 02-Dec-12 22:26:38

Bound, agree in that one. Hope my dds behave honourably as well.

thebody Sun 02-Dec-12 22:25:11

I mean they have 2 younger sisters!! My dds not theirs or the post is worrying.

BoundandRebound Sun 02-Dec-12 22:24:15

Not to mention fathers

BoundandRebound Sun 02-Dec-12 22:23:35

What a horribly sexist post

I hope mothers of daughters are under the same spotlight

thebody Sun 02-Dec-12 22:23:25

My older dss are now 23 and 21.. Older one is the one who has long standing relationships and he falls in love totally so is consequently devastated when the girls end the relationship.

My younger one is a one night stand charming type who somehow manages to keep friends with lots of the girls he 'dates' I guess that's because h doesn't lie to get sex and equally the girls are not interested in a relationship and that's fine.

They have 2 younger dds though now both young teens and are always warning them off boys.. Sad and forlorn hope...ha ha.

I hope my boys are kind to girls, small children and animals,,, oh and don't lie.

I think they are and don't and if that's so then I have done a good job.

Hesterton Sun 02-Dec-12 22:16:23

Cailin I wasn't raped, you weren't there; I do know what happened that night and it was not rape.

hopkinette Sun 02-Dec-12 22:12:26

Mu1berries or whatever the fuck her name is is the worst kind of insidious rape apologist of all. "Sort of raped" - FUCK OFF.

Hassled Sun 02-Dec-12 22:09:25

Ria - DS1 probably does vaguely pull his weight - it was just the fact he clearly had to be told to do it that riled me. Shades of when he was a sullen teenager and had to be told to put his plate in the dishwasher every bloody day. It made me feel I'd let the sisterhood down grin. The younger DSs will be whipped into shape.

baublesandbaileys Sun 02-Dec-12 22:06:38

well YABU becuase its mostly women on here so obv there's going to be a disproportionate amt of complaining about men treating women badly

I was quite horrible to a lot of men in my 20s, mainly because I hated dating. Why would my mum know the ins and outs of that though?

Polyethyl Sun 02-Dec-12 22:02:25

It's a source of continual friction in our family. My brother is promiscuous. We don't know the details of what happens between him and the various girls, but not all can have walked away happily. He is, thank goodness, scrupulously careful about contraception.

My mother and I have tried to talk to him about it, again and again, but to no avail. We've pointed out that there is nothing more pathetic than an ageing Lothario. And that he'll be the lonely one when his looks start to go - but until he wants to change.....

What I can't understand is why the girls want him. He's an impoverished artist. He's stoney broke. Why oh WHY are intelligent, beautiful, successful women falling for his lines again and again? It's depressing to see how few compliments it takes to make normally sensible women chuck their common sense out of the window and get all dopey about an impoverished, promiscuous bloke with obvious commitment issues.

Annunziata Sun 02-Dec-12 21:54:54

I could barely look at him for a week when he cheated on his girlfriend. My heart was broken.

thegreylady Sun 02-Dec-12 21:41:31

My son is 42 married 15 yrs once came near cheating on his wife but didn't. Yes he told me about it. I am proud of him :-)

CailinDana Sun 02-Dec-12 21:35:03

Hesterton if you are coerced into agreeing to have sex then it is rape. You don't feel it was rape, which is fair enough but in real terms it was. Many many many rape victims "give in" and let it happen for various different reasons, that does not mean it wasn't rape. You don't have to be screaming no or fighting him off or anything like that. Sex you don't want, no matter how it comes about, is rape.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 02-Dec-12 21:28:03

MrsD very good point. i have found myself very angry with my mother for alot of things that happened in my childhood. but you know what, i had a father who lived in that house too and had just as much responsibility to protect me. i think the fact that my mother was the default caregiver and dealt with all the issues, she was the one i assosiate with everything. whereas dad was a bystander. he could have been just as involved as her but chose not to.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 02-Dec-12 21:16:40

My last husbands mother was wonderful, when the police were trying to find him she told them where he was,as soon as he had been arrested she phoned me to say I was safe to go home.

I have had one contact with her since where she told me she was ashamed of his behaviour that she didnt blame me in any way and that every time he tried to minimise what he had done to me in her presence she would correct him no matter who else was there. She also said that she hoped I would understand that it would be inappropriate to maintain a relationship with me but that she would offer to give a statement to the police detailing what she had seen personally.

And she did.

MrsDeVere Sun 02-Dec-12 20:58:32

When your adult son, who you have bought up to be a certain way, behaves in a way that goes against everything you believe in,

it rips your heart in two.

And what makes it worse is that as The Mother, whatever you do will be wrong.

If you condemn and turn away you will be a Terrible Mother
If you do not condemn and turn away it will be Well What Do You Expect With a Mother Like That.

Because it is always the woman's fault.

Do a google of 100 serious crime stories. The mother, the girlfriend, the wife will be mentioned and blamed in some way.

His wife threatened divorce/was having an affair so he killed his children.
His mother was depressed when he was a child
His girlfriend taunted him that she was going out with a policeman so he shot one in the face
His mother left his father when he was two
His wife nagged him
His mother was distant
His mother was smothering

Etc etc etc etc.

TeWisBeenNargledByTheMistletoe Sun 02-Dec-12 20:56:26

DS is a baby, so really I have no idea. BUT, there are loads of things I could forgive, even if I found them disappointing. Other things, like rape, abandoning their dc, dv... (as with my DD) I don't know how I would forgive those. I don't think I could.

I think when you are presented with "my child is a rapist" it can be easier to disbelieve than to believe and look your child in the face ever again. So you don't believe.

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