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AIBU?

To not want to go to my mum's funeral?

51 replies

StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 29/11/2012 01:28

I'm opening myself up to your wrath here. I don't know what to do or if I am bu or just crazy.

I don't want to go to my mum's funeral. I love her to pieces and there were no issues between us for this to be a "I never liked you anyway" type of flounce.

But there will be lots of people I despise there. People who never cared about my mum and caused her no end of anguish. I feel like the funeral is for them not me somehow. I want to do something without them there.

Is this a bad decision? If I were to go I would have to stay at the back anyway due to toddler ds. Not taking him is not an option, I need him with me at the moment and he loved my mum more than most of the people that will be there with their fake tears.

Should I find something for ds and I to do on our own to commemorate my mum?

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ChippingInLovesAutumn · 29/11/2012 01:34

Oh my love :( That's so sad that you feel like this.

It is your Mum's funeral, you should go - I think you would regret it if you didn't. Take DS, sit at the front. Your Mum, his Gran/Nan - anyone who doesn't like it can sod off. If he has a little play around it doesn't matter - this is for you & him to say good bye.

Couldn't you tell them all the time has been changed and tell them 2 hrs later??

I am really sorry that your Mum has died and you are going through this, it's shit isn't it :( xxx

DudeIAmSoFuckingRock · 29/11/2012 01:38

i dont know how funerals work as thankfully have never had to arrange one but is it possible to have a private funeral with just you and your other siblings/close family?

DudeIAmSoFuckingRock · 29/11/2012 01:38

and i'm really sorry for your loss.

BOFingTheDude · 29/11/2012 01:41

In your shoes, I think I would go, and sit at the front with your son, no matter what. But you could have your own memorial ceremony too without the people who are stressing you out.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

fortyplus · 29/11/2012 01:42

How about a service somewhere other than the burial site/crematorium? Send the masses back to the wake then you join them after a very small private committal for you and the closest family only

BeRudeNotTo · 29/11/2012 01:49

Oh please go to the funeral it will do you good and you will only regret it if you don't go.Mark my words. you must go pointy

BeRudeNotTo · 29/11/2012 01:51

As my name suggests Pointy it will 'BE RUDE NOT TO'.

waitingforastartofall · 29/11/2012 01:59

It is my mums funeral tomorrow, I completely get where you are coming from but I will be there because I think I'd regret it if not after a while. Keep your head down Ds by your side and tell people to respect your privacy if you dont feel like talking would be my advice

Rindercella · 29/11/2012 02:00

I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother.

I would not give you my wrath but I think you would do regret it if you don't go...and sit at the front with your DS, not hiding away in the back.

Whatever has gone before with the others who will be there can be suspended, at least for the service.

The thing about funerals is that there is only one shot. You cannot re-do the event so that you are able to go at another date.

Fuck them all sweetheart. This is about you and your beloved mother. Please do not let anyone get in the way of you being there, for the last time for her.

Are you dealing with the undertakers at all? Even if you're not, I think perhaps you should call them, explain the situation and then the funeral director can make sure you and your DS are not hidden away at the back.

Much love to you xxx

lurkedtoolong · 29/11/2012 02:10

So sorry for your loss. Can I just ask why you feel as though you would have to sit at the back?

I'm torn on the advice to give you. When DH's gran died it was during a time of family arguments and although we went everything that took place hurt MIL more and more. She felt her grief was minimised and she was unable to say goodbye properly. We held a small gathering a couple of months later which was much nicer and more therapeutic (if that's the right word) for MIL.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 29/11/2012 02:11

I've not needed my mum for a long time. Now when I need her more than I ever remember she's not fucking here.

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Allalonenow · 29/11/2012 02:12

I'm so sorry that you have lost your Mum, it's such a hard thing to cope with I know.
I think you should go to the funeral, because, strange as it seems, it will help you to begin feeling better, because it is one of the steps along the grieving pathway you are on.
Don't sit at the back, take your son and sit at the front. Take a book and a little toy to help your child pass the time.
Don't worry about any of the other people there, focus on your Mum and how much you loved her.
In the days to come, if you want to you, you and your son could do something together, just the two of you, maybe visit somewhere your Mum was happy, to sit and remember her.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 29/11/2012 02:14

I would need to sit at the back (as close to the door as possible) because ds is likely to make a scene. Sitting still, being quiet, allowing himself to be distracted easily and not throwing tantrums when asked not to do something are all things he really hates doing at the moment.

OP posts:

lurkedtoolong · 29/11/2012 02:17

In that case I would go and sit with your DS at the back, ignore everyone else and say your own goodbye to your mum.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 29/11/2012 02:18

And the irony is, if my mum was there, ds would be as good as gold!

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lurkedtoolong · 29/11/2012 02:18

Oh and I'd also do what Allalonenow suggests and take your DS somewhere nice your mum liked and remember her.

Narked · 29/11/2012 02:19

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I agree with the other posters who've said to go and sit at the front with your DS. You won't get another chance. If you go and change your mind/ feel you can't cope/ feel you are about to scream at someone you can always leave.

piprabbit · 29/11/2012 02:24

Could you take friend with you to the funeral, who could take your DS for a little walk outside during the service. He would be close by and could accompany you into the chapel, then pop out when the service starts and then be waiting for you as soon as it is over.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, and that you are having to cope with difficult people on top of mourning for your DM. Do whatever you need to do, but do find a way to say a proper goodbye to your mum, you and she both deserve that.

casper91 · 29/11/2012 02:45

Where are you op? Is there anything any of us could do practically? Thoughts are with you

beautyfades · 29/11/2012 03:23

sorry for your loss xx

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/11/2012 09:08

This time next year, it would be far easier to look back on this time and regret not being there than it would be to look back and regret going. I hope that makes sense! Try not to do anything that you might find yourself regretting in the future, you can't get this time back.

Do you have closer friends and family that will be able to surround you and protect you slightly from the people who are likely to upset you?

valiumredhead · 29/11/2012 09:11

Sorry for your loss xxx

The beauty about sitting at the front at a funeral is you are not aware of ANYTHINg that is going on behind you and it becomes about YOU and YOUR mum's funeral iyswim. Much easier than sitting at the back ime where you can see all the people who have just turned up for show

PessaryPam · 29/11/2012 09:14

ChippingInLovesAutumn is right. It's your Mum, this is a primary relationship, very important.

However if you really can't face it I am sure your Mum won't mind and you can celebrate her life and say good bye another way. At the moment concentrate on getting through and being kind to yourself.

Lots of love and hugs.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 29/11/2012 09:15

So sorry for the loss of your mum.

From a motherless daughter, yes you do need to go, you will regret it forever if you dont.

You won't be seeing/thinking of the people there you despise, you will be locked in the memory of your lovely mum.

Make the day about you and Her and not about them - if you don't go then they have won.

Seriously, you cannot miss your mums funeral. No matter who was at my mums funeral I could never have not gone - it was the final thing i shared with her if you see what I mean.

Hope you are ok and sorry again :(

PessaryPam · 29/11/2012 09:18

If it's any consolation I would not have missed going to my Mothers funeral, I just miss my Mum even now. The funeral and the depressing drinks and nibbles afterwards were dire. I remember her by keeping her alive to my own children by talking about her.

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