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to dislike this child and consider not letting him be around Ds2?

(44 Posts)
extremepie Tue 20-Nov-12 20:20:25

I'm currently living with a friend until I can move myself DH and DCs into a house of our own, hopefully at the beginning of next month.

DFriend's gf lives with him and her son from a previous relationship - I don't especially like him as I find him naughty, rude and aggressive sometimes but he is only 3 so I try to be understanding (hey, my dcs aren't perfect!) and I never let on that I don't really like him.

Despite this I was looking forward to seeing how he would get on with Ds1 and 2 as they and DH came to visit me recently and immediately this boy and Ds1 got on really well. Great. However he seemed to take an instant dislike to Ds2 - I am a bit more protective of Ds2 as he is autistic and non verbal.

This boy seemed the make a point out of tormenting Ds2 - he would constantly hit him 'because he (Ds) was being naughty

Astelia Thu 22-Nov-12 00:50:54

So a 3 year old is being introduced to his mother's male friend and there is another family living in the house and one of the children doesn't talk. I would imagine a 3 year old hasn't a clue what is going on.

You say it is only for a few weeks- in which case keep DS2 away from the 3yo when he visits. You say you have a room, do all four of you share it? do you have your own sitting room or private space? If there isn't space for your DS's to play when the 3 yo is there you will have to go out until he has gone home.

If the 3 yo is staying over then you will need to keep an eye on your DS's in the morning. Don't let them go down to watch tv without you or DH being there.

5madthings Thu 22-Nov-12 00:47:55

yanbu to feel.protective of your children or to not have contact with this little boy again.

i feel sorry for him tho, lots of change in his life and he needs help and support to learn its not ok. i also wonder what he has seen if he thinks hitting/kicking is what you do to naughty children sad he is only three and its never ok at any age but it is more understandable/a common enough phase for children if this age. tho this sounds a bit extreme.

i do also agree he is prob unsure of your little boy because of the communication issues, this doesnt make his behaviour ok but maybe is affecting his behaviour. have you or anyone explained simply to the boy about your ds's autism? or just explained that your ds doesnt talk and shown the boy alternative ways to communicate/intetact with your son that are not violent.

extremepie Thu 22-Nov-12 00:27:43

Well at the moment it is my house too - I have my own room and pay rent so I don't consider myself a 'guest' or a 'visitor' actually.

By the way you never answered my question about what age you feel it is acceptable to excuse violent behaviour? If another child was strangling your dc, would you just sit there and do nothing because 'its not my child so its not my place to intervene?'

I'm sorry but your statements are quite ridiculous as well as inaccurate!

SundaeGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 21:12:31

'I dont mind helping him to learn how to treat others with respect and to learn that hitting people is not acceptable' shock

If this is your attitude then you are not going to get on well. Who the hell do you think you are?

It's not up to you to help him learn anything. Your value judgements in this situation seem odd - you are staying in his house. You are a visitor - definitely not there to teach him. Get your beak out and remember you are a guest.

AmberLeaf Wed 21-Nov-12 02:35:54

I didn't mean if you or your DH had said it!

Im thinking if maybe his mum or someone she was talking to had described your DS as naughty?

*My son is also autistic, so sadly I know the sort of crap people can come out with with regards meltdown behavior etc.

extremepie Wed 21-Nov-12 02:29:31

No Amberleaf, none of us have said that - besides it started from the first time he met him before he had an opportunity to overhear anything!

That seems unlikely as df is a good friend we have known for years and we are moving to a house 5 minutes down the road!

Spermysextowel Wed 21-Nov-12 02:01:36

You're there by your friend's goodwill, whether this child is nasty or not, or whether you were there first. You may find that there will be no desire for contact on either side once you've moved out.

AmberLeaf Wed 21-Nov-12 01:38:05

He is very young, is it a possibility that he has heard adults saying your son is naughty?

extremepie Wed 21-Nov-12 00:56:51

Yep thats correct worra - they were only in close proximity for the short time they were visiting so it isnt an ongoing situation.

I dont mind helping him to learn how to treat others with respect and to learn that hitting people is not acceptable but I'm not sure I am happy to let Ds2 have contact with him until that lesson is learnt - he is going to nursery soon and I know they will not tolerate that behaviour there so hopefully its a lesson he will learn sooner rather than later.

Worra, agreed, I would keep them apart in future, I was thinking of how to deal with the problem now. It is possible that in another 10 days when the OP is due to leave that the problem will no longer be there.

If I targeted a behaviour in one of my children around the age of 3 consistently with naughty step 7 days was the max usually to put a stop to it.

Some things would persist for longer... It's a difficult situation. smile

WorraLiberty England Wed 21-Nov-12 00:49:31

Kickars the OP is asking... "WIBU to, when we move not allowing Ds2 to have any contact with this boy?"

Not about keeping them apart when they're living together.

Therefore I don't think it's down to the OP to invite this child to spend time with her DS2 when he doesn't have to put up with the way the other child treats him.

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 00:46:45

They are going to move out at the end if the month so te situation is no going to continue

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 00:44:44

I totally disagree coola, we are entitled to not like a child, just becase tey are chi,dren we have to like every child hmm. What would be wrong if you showed him you did not like him.

Worra, I've never suggested that the hitting be allowed to continue.

It is possible to protect a child and teach a child all at the same time and if they are to continue to live in the same house its going to be pretty tricky to keep them apart.

extreme clearly has the safety and well being of her child at the forefront of her mind, so I think the ultimate outcome of your last post is highly unlikely!!

WorraLiberty England Wed 21-Nov-12 00:43:27

How can you help your feelings though?

I dislike lots of people because of their behaviour.

I understand why they behave as they do (various reasons obviously) but understanding them doesn't make me like them.

Not when they behave the way they do.

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 00:39:22

Op it's not up to you to make him learn, tats his parents job

Well you clearly ("Because if that is what you are suggesting then YABVU!!") don't think YABU - so not sure why you even bothered to post.....

Children of three struggle with change - sounds like he has had plenty.

Also you don't know his background - your child may be more than likely is the first non-verbal child he has ever come across, and for all you know his mother may call him "naughty" if he doesn't answer her when she speaks. He may have been asking your DS a question, and when he hasn't replied (for obvious reasons) the 3 year old has seen this as naughty behaviour.

I doubt very much he has any concept at all of people being non-verbal, he probably finds it very confusing.

I'm not excusing his behaviour, but it sounds to me like the adults in his life have failed him.

YANBU to protect your son, and if you have to cut contact to do that, then that's up to you. But to say you dislike a child because of a behaviour that the adults in his life should be teaching him is unacceptable is unfair and puts too much onus and blame on the child. Dislike his Mum and her ineffectual parenting - don't dislike the child.

If noone teaches him it is wrong how on earth is he meant to know?

WorraLiberty England Wed 21-Nov-12 00:37:36

I don't know if you do need to help him learn to be honest.

The idea is a nice one but not at the expense of your child.

So you 'help him learn' while he's using your child as a punch bag...then what?

The next child who comes along and needs help to learn uses him as a punch bag too?

Where does that end and what will your child learn from the experience?

It's down to his parents to help him learn these things...it's not down to you and your child if the learning process affects your child negatively.

All your child will eventually learn is he should become a victim for the 'good' of others.

I don't think you are being overprotective, I think you are being reasonably protective!! smile

It does make sense, but it could still be the 3 year olds way of expressing that he doesn't understand your son. TBH, I don't know what the solution is other than watching like a hawk and consistently pulling the 3 year old up on his behaviour.

Can you get him to associate you son with something positive in his mind, like getting your ds to hand out lollies or something? Maybe he is perceiving your son as "naughty" because he feels intimidated by him in his own house???

No idea, but 3 year olds are fairly easy to trick! ;) Dust off your distraction techniques!!! Good Luck!

hb84 Wed 21-Nov-12 00:34:09

I know plenty of children I don't like. Children are people with personalities, too, and you don't have to like them all just because they're small.

extremepie Wed 21-Nov-12 00:27:14

You are right in that I do need to help him to learn its just that I cant help getting overprotective about Ds as he needs me to stick up for him because he cant do it himself.

I can understand 3yr olds sometimes get worked up and accidents happen but this really isnt like that - its hard to explain but as an example this boy (lets call him A) came down first thing in the morning, ds was already downstairs standing in the living room watching tv. A walks up and starts punching & kicking him for no reason! When I asked him why he said he was being naughty.

He would also takes Ds own toys off him then punch him for 'being naughty'.

Does that make any sense?

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 00:21:10

YANBU at all. Well put worra, just be pause he is a child does not mean we ave to like them. I didn't particularly like my friends ds. 5 who is quite rude and nasty to dd who has ASD for much the same reason as this boy is towards op ds. Te friend methods sound very I affective, I would meet up without the kds. I would not want my chi,d around someone who makes thm feel bad however old they are. For the record I would never show my friends ds that I am no keen on him

OK, clearly it's not ok for this child to hit your son and as a parent with a 3 year old DS who gets overexcited and will not stop when in that frame of mind I can imagine my DS getting in this situation.

However he is a child who needs to learn, and you can't "dislike" him for not having learnt better yet, help him to learn!

Lastly, I have a cousin who is autistic and when my DD was small she became very frightened of my cousin and hit her, she couldn't explain herself other than to say the cousin was "naughty, bad"!! and this was very out of character I think she was frightened because my cousin did not react the same as the other people she had met and this really frightened her.

Best suggestion protect both of them from the situation rising again.

Sorry you have ended up in this situation. smile

extremepie Tue 20-Nov-12 23:48:35

Well put worra :-)

extremepie Tue 20-Nov-12 23:47:20

Well FWIW I didnt really want to be in this situation but circumstances are such that I have to be until the end of the month - I was actually living here first, before the gf & her son moved in but there we go.

It is not ideal but my friend was kind and generous enough to offer me a place to stay and I wasnt in a position to turn it down.

If you really must know I have moved 300 miles across the country for a job opportunity that came up so suddenly I didnt have the money for a rental deposit on a house for me, DH & DC's hence I moved in with a friend until I could find a place for us.

Out of curiosity what do you think is the threshold for children to not be excused for violent behaviour? 3 is ok, what about when he gets to 4 or 5? Is it not ok then? Where would you draw the line, especially if it was YOUR vunerable sn child being bullied?

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