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To think that the parents of bullies have it easy

(171 Posts)
EnyainIkea Thu 15-Nov-12 23:56:00

Because I see the efforts that the VICTIMS of bullying have to make to get support. They have to go through the hoops of trying to convince teachers and headteachers that they have a case in the first place. They have to convince these people that their child is not making it up, exaggerating, over-reacting and then wait.... whilst they hope the problem is being tackled by the school.

The parents are usually left in the dark about what "measures" are being taken to tackle the bullying behaviour "because that's confidential and can't be discussed". They have to reassure their children that they are trying to help and, of course, they did the right thing by telling them because now we can help you when, in actual fact, the parent feels absolutely powerless.

And then there are the meetings where it's suggested that your child is maybe not robust enough or needs to walk away from situations, or learn to stand up for themselves. You end up thinking that you need to move YOUR child from that classroom or, worse still, the school.

AIBU in thinking that the parents of the "accused" bullies are having it easy in comparison to this?

And BTW I would LOVE to hear from parents who have children who have been accused of bullying for the simple reason that I have never heard your side of the experience and it would help me immensely to know what YOU go through!

WorraLiberty Fri 16-Nov-12 00:54:59

Blimey LookAtAllTheseFucksIGive there are no words sad

Sinister, you didn't type it wrong at all. To pick at a typo is lame.

Wallison Fri 16-Nov-12 00:59:10

I agree that it must be much worse to be the parent of a bully than to be the parent of someone who is being bullied. If you have any kind of fellow feeling or compassion in you at all, then it must be dreadful to think that your child is making someone else unhappy. And even if you are the kind of person who just shrugs and says "Kids, innit, what can you do" ... well, I wouldn't want to be that kind of person either.

SinisterBuggyMonth Fri 16-Nov-12 00:59:28

I'm always making typos on here, just funny that its a bullying thread that it gets picked up on. The irony!

True Sinister. Even so you used 'Hear' in the right context.

Wallison Fri 16-Nov-12 01:03:22

LookAtAllTheseFucksIGive, that is a desperately sad story, both for you and for her.

My friends 8 yo dd isn't a bully by a long stretch but she is a bit of a self appointed Queen Bee amongst her group of friends. My friend says that she has to watch out for her bossing them about and reminds them that they have just as much right to choose a game or activity as she does. Hopefully it won't develop into anything sinister under her watchful eye.

Narked Fri 16-Nov-12 01:05:59

Of course they have it easy. They don't have their child suffering day after day.

WorraLiberty Fri 16-Nov-12 01:06:26

I'm not saying McChristmas was right to pick on your typos but she's already said she feels awful about her child and that the parents are not always to blame.

Then you said, "but from those i've met i'd doubt they could string a sentence together, let alone compose a post on hear, unless it contains the thrase "character building"

So I suppose it was a bit inevitable given how bad she felt and how your sentence wasn't strung together properly IYSWIM?

Valdeeves Fri 16-Nov-12 01:08:55

There is always a reason behind bullying others - yes problems at home are a factor. However, sometimes it's just simply because one kid isn't bright enough to realise about the pain they inflict on another. They haven't got the social skills to realise or care how they make the other feel.
That's what I remember as a pupil and I've observed as a teacher. Sometimes it's just banging your head on a brick wall. I remember constantly trying to subtlety protect pupils in the classroom because any hint that the victim had told takes and the bullying got worse.

saffronwblue Fri 16-Nov-12 01:09:10

I was very touched when the mother of a boy who was bullying DS made a point of walking across the school playground to talk to me and said that she felt dreadful about it. It was very brave of her.

Less impressed when my DD was being bullied and the teacher said she had to be more resilient. True, but how about don't let a thuggish small boy call her a retard during the lesson?

Oops I didn't see that bit. But I still hate typo nitpicking. Its just so unnecessary.

Valdeeves Fri 16-Nov-12 01:09:55

I would have sympathy for parents on both sides - I think most kids take their turn at being bully and victim.

Narked Fri 16-Nov-12 01:16:42

I think most kids take their turn at being bully and victim

Utter bollocks. Most children aren't bullies. I was in a year of 120 at school and there were 7 people who were bullies. They were vile. The others weren't bullies at all. And of those 7, only 3 would ever do anything without the presence of the others - they went along with it but we're alright away from the others. It's not a normal thing.

WorraLiberty Fri 16-Nov-12 01:17:46

Incidentally, my friend's son has grown into a lovely young man.

He feels very guilty about what he put his victims through and says it's because at the time, he resented them for being smart and for enjoying school work when he hated it.

He said that every 'geeky' child who got top marks and enjoyed school, magnified his own 'failures'. He wanted to come across as 'too cool for school' to his friends, but secretly envied and therefore 'detested' those who did better than him...that led to him mickey taking and then eventually bullying.

He's sorted his life out now and is getting married next year...he has a fairly good job and good prospects.

I doubt his victims are as happy and confident about their futures but I hope they are sad

Narked Fri 16-Nov-12 01:19:03

The hardcore are sociopaths.

foxy6 Fri 16-Nov-12 01:30:37

I have seen both sides of the coin with ds2 being bullied and the school not appearing to do anything about it, and telling me that they don't deal with incidents outside school ( the boys would wait outside the school gates ). To having ds3 being the bully. I was very upset and disappointed and couldn't understand why he would do that after seeing ds2 suffer. I only found put after My dad was at the school and witnessed ds3 hitting the girl in the cloak room. It turned put that it had been going on for a while, they we at there wits end and we considering changing school. I didn't have a clue what was going pj the school hadn't contacted me once about it. I complained as we we regularly visited the school regarding his behaviour. After this we told the girls parents to come to us straight away if anymore problems and I personally told the girl that if she had any more trouble to hit him back ( which she did ) and between us we managed to get him to stop. We still have problematic with his behaviour but no more bulling. I felt not only let down be ds3 but also let down by the school and have since sent My other children to a different one.ap before judging the parents consider that they may not even be swear of what's going on.

SinisterBuggyMonth Fri 16-Nov-12 01:32:23

Worra do you know if your friends son would ever seek out his old victim to explain or apologise?

Narked Fri 16-Nov-12 01:34:16

I hope not. He's done enough damage without intruding on their life again to ease his conscience.

WorraLiberty Fri 16-Nov-12 01:42:58

They're good friends now Sinister, they 'bumped into each other' on Facebook and live a couple of streets away.

So yes, they've put a lot of ghosts to rest and keep in contact with each other.

SinisterBuggyMonth Fri 16-Nov-12 01:59:22

Thats good

I'm friends in fb with a couple of my old bullies, one was just a follower really, the other had a violent dad and has had a bit of a hard time. Another girl though sexually bullied me for years, so I had to ignore her friend request.

LulaBear Fri 16-Nov-12 03:22:36

Oh please. The child that is bullying doesn't have crippling anxiety whenever they go to school.
If I was to be called into school to find out my child was a bully, my child would have hell to pay. That was how it was when I went to school, and it worked.

pigletmania Fri 16-Nov-12 06:50:53

I do agree with op, it seems that those being bullied get treated very badly by the system, they seem to cover up and support the bully more than the victim. However having read on here, it can be devastating on parents whose child bully, not all parents of bully children support their behaviour. Whilst some bullies may not have sn has such what they do have are underlying psychological behavioural issues that nodded to be professionally addressed

thegreylady Fri 16-Nov-12 08:04:55

Sadly Mrschristmas it is you who are wrong about the spelling though not about your attitude to bullying. It is a massive problem in some schools and needs to be addressed by schools never letting it go once they are alerted to it. The parents of the bullies must work with the schools and the main priority must be the safety of the bullied child.

cory Fri 16-Nov-12 08:17:24

My dc have occasionally been bullied, never afaik been bullies. I was bullied myself at school. Even so, I do not envy the parents of bullies. Either they are devastated when they find out or there is something really wrong with their take on life. Either way, I wouldn't want to be them.

Also fwiw it is a wild generalisation to say that schools do not deal with the victims of bullying. Some schools don't, others do, and the ones who don't should be asking themselves why they can't achieve what the others do. Otherwise we'll end up setting standards way too low.

Dc's schools (three, to date) have always dealt with bullying swiftly and efficiently. Which shows that it can be done and that that is the standard we should be asking of all schools.

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